my own personal happy dimension...

have you ever wanted something so much it hurt?

have you ever felt so strongly about someone that you would do anything to keep them in your life even if they couldn't be yours?

have you ever been so afraid that you would screw something up that you felt frozen in time (almost outside your body), unable to make decisions or move in any direction - let alone forward for fear of the outcome?

i know what i want. i know where i want to be. i know who i want to be next to me.

i just don't know how to make that a reality.

i'm afraid it will end up like all of the other things in my life. i don't want to ruin this. i don't want to jeopardize this. i want to do everything right. i want things to work out.

if only i could explain the way i feel. the way it feels.


the way it felt...

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self-destruction...

i took another large step down my inevitable path of self-destruction.

it's what i do.

it's who i am.

i break what isn't broken. i ruin what is good. i shatter everything that is fragile. i search for the impossible. i yearn for the unattainable. i seek out unhappiness, despair and turmoil. i strive for inner conflict. i am my own worst critic. i inflict inner emotion damage until i hurt so bad i can't think straight. i destroy every single tiny piece of self-worth that i have inside of me.

maybe its better if the only person that can hurt me - is myself.

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the resolution...

there's a lot that i don't know,

there's a lot that i'm still learning.
when i think i'm letting go, i find my body, it's still burning.
AND YOU HOLD ME DOWN.
and you've got me living in the past,
come on and pick me up, somebody clear the wreckage from the blast...

yeah i'm alive.
but i don't need a witness to know that i survive.
i'm not looking for forgiveness, yeah i just need light
i need light in the dark as i search for the resolution.

and the bar's are finally closed so i tried living in the moment,
'til the moment it just froze, and i felt sick and so alone.
I CAN HEAR THE SOUND of your voice still ringing in my ear,
i'm going underground, but you'll find me anywhere i fear...

yeah i'm alive.
but i don't need a witness to know that i survive.
i'm not looking for forgiveness, yeah i just need light
i need light in the dark as i search for the resolution.
i need light in the dark as i search for the resolution...

resolution...

and you hold me down, yeah you hold me down.

yeah i'm alive but i don't need a witness to know that i survive,
i'm not looking for forgiveness,
yeah I'm alive but i don't need a witness to know that i survive.
i'm not looking for forgiveness, yeah i just need light
i need light in the dark as i search for the resolution
i need light in the dark as i search for the resolution
I NEED LIGHT I NEED LIGHT

light in the dark as i search for the resolution

resolution...

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rollercoaster...

one year later... this still fits -

i really detest the up and down rollercoaster of feelings that my insufferably depressing poignant mind puts me through on a daily basis. i can't seem to keep my state of mind in the white… it tends to want to creep back into the black unexpectedly, without warning. it sneaks up behind me and slides its cold grey fingers along my spine and up my neck and across my collarbone until i feel suffocated.

while i can admit that i am doing a much better job of coping than i had anticipated… i was theorizing a hunkered figure in the corner shaking and trembling in a sordid illusory, morbid alternate reality… i somehow manage to exit the sanctuary of my bed every morning.

but that doesn't negate the fact that i don't seem to have reasonable control over the rollercoaster that is my emotional state.

does this mean that i must resort to a life of medicated melancholy monotony?

and if so, how many buffet lines full of pharmaceuticals do i have to go through before i find one that can be deemed worth the side effects?

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