so many pantones, so little time...

Thursday, October 30, 2008

have i mentioned how much i love graphic design???

well... i do.

i could spend hours choosing the perfect fonts (i have over 700... it may actually be a mental condition), selecting the perfect pantone shade, and finely tuning a design right down to the last pixel.

i especially like designing with type.

but desinging in general makes me happy. i'm content.

the reason i bring this up... there aren't many things that currently bring me contentment and while reading some of my favorite blogs the other day i happened upon a color IQ test. oh yes. you read that right. this is right up my nerdy alley.

i got a PERFECT score! woot!

(hmm... maybe i should rethink my career path... again...)

Read more...

is there quiet inside my mind...?

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

midnight
lock all the doors
and turn out the lights
feels like the end of the world
this sunday night

there's not a sound
outside the snow's coming down
and somehow i can't seem to find
the quiet inside my mind

3:02
the space in this room
has turned on me
and all my fears have cornered me here
me and my TV screen

the volume's down
blue lights are dancing around
and still, i can't seem to find
the quiet inside my mind

daylight is climbing the walls
cars start and feet walk the halls
the world awakes and now i am safe
at least by the light of day

at least by the light of day???

Read more...

seriously...?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

how can i be sick? again?


(things just keep getting better and better...)

Read more...

nowhere to hide...

Monday, October 27, 2008

give me something to believe in.
so write it down,
i don't think that i'll close my eyes
'cause lately i'm not dreaming
so what's the point in sleeping?
it's just that at night,
i've got nowhere to hide.

to the sleepless, this is my reply:
i will write you a lullaby,
a lullaby.

Read more...

is it worth it...?

Sunday, October 26, 2008

"No one can ever promise you they will never hurt you, because at one time or another it will happen. The real promise is if the time you spent together will be worth the pain in the end."
~Source Unknown


i've been telling myself all these years that i have to move on. that i need to let myself take a chance again.

after "he" came along, the one i've always referred to as "The One", i've wondered if i've i missed my one chance. i had it and then i lost it.

and since then... having just come out of the best (and worst) relationships of my existence... i've "dated" other men... but i've never really considered letting them in. they are just small attempts at filling an otherwise cavernous void.

i am really great at choosing disastrous relationships. if there is a bad guy out there (disguised as a good guy) for the taking, i will take him, fall madly in "love" with him and then be left dumbfounded when he leaves and moves on... while i am left confused with handfuls of my broken heart. that or i never let him get close enough to hurt me. my brick walls are tall and thick. but either way... i will always blame myself. while i do know that i play some part in the problems that arise... i let myself take the blame 100%.

it's easy for me to have a crush. i love having crushes... there is little to no post-relationship pain, the feelings usually just fade eventually, or get passed on to the next crush. i'm good at crushes. but they do call them crushes for a reason. don't they? while i completely enjoy the tingle i feel inside when i see them, or the heat that rises from my throat to spread across my cheeks, to fantasize about how things could be. inevitably, it's one-sided. i get nothing in return.

if by some off chance an object of my desire returns my affections... i self-destruct.

there's this fella that i met purely by chance. (i've mentioned him before.) i can not understand why this man wants me. i have this urge to keep asking him why he wants to be with me, when he is going to start treating me badly, when he is going to leave... i'm afraid i've closed off my heart and i'll never be able to allow myself to let him in. i push him away, i shut down, my defenses go up. and i force him to question his desire.

but the worst part is that i yearn for him. not quite the same way that even years after "The One" left, i continued to yearn for him... but in a different way i yearn for him. and i don't want to push him away. i don't want to keep him on the other side of my brick walls. but i don't know how not to. and most of the time... i don't even see that i am doing it until too late.

all of these things have caused quite a bit of heartache over the last few weeks and i've always been the one telling my friends that it has to be worth it to take a risk and open up and make yourself vulnerable to get hurt just to feel those emotions, that tingle, those sparks, that high.

but is it?

that special someone has the potential to bring the darkest clouds we’ve ever encountered. let's be honest... love hurts. being vulnerable to someone is one of the scariest things there is. and if you ever have been hurt by love you can understand what i mean. is it worth the risk that love demands? is the heartache and emptiness and constant questioning of yourself and every one of your actions worth it?

it scares me that i am questioning this because i've always believed deep down that because we know of love’s potential for healing, for companionship, for understanding, for the positive emotional, physical and chemical responses, we take the risk... for without love we are nothing.

without love... what is there?

Read more...

another bad day...

Saturday, October 25, 2008

"it's been a bad day, another bad day
and all i want to do is look at you and know i'm okay.


when i wake up in the morning is it gonna be another ugly day
?"


how do i get myself into situations like this? i'm a magnet for heartache and despair... i think i've come to terms with that.

but this? a text message. to someone else.

seriously?

is this real?

Read more...

seems its my destiny...

Friday, October 24, 2008

shadows are fallin' all over town
another night and these blues got me down

oh, misery... i sure could use some company.

since you've been gone, i ain't been the same
i carry the weight like an old ball and chain
guess its all meant to be
for love to cause such misery

oh misery...
oh misery...

tell me why does my heart make a fool of me?

seems its my destiny

for love to cause me misery.

and, oh
... i've been down this road before
with a passion that turns into pain

and each time i saw love walk out the door
i swore never get caught again

but ain't it true? it takes what it takes

and sometimes we get too smart to leave.

one more heartache for me
another night of misery
...

and oh misery
... oh misery...
tell me why does my heart make a fool of me?

oh misery
... oh misery...
tell me why, why, why, why, why,
why does this heart make a fool of me?

seems its my destiny
for love to cause
misery, oh
... misery...

guess its all meant to be
for love to cause me
misery...
misery.

Read more...

lie to me...

Thursday, October 23, 2008

lie to me and tell me everything is all right
lie to me and tell me that you'll stay here tonight
tell me that you'll never leave
oh, and i'll just try to make believe
that everything, everything your telling me is true
come on baby won't you just

lie to me, go ahead and lie to me

lie to me, it doesn't matter anymore
it could never be, the way it was before
if i can't hold on to you
leave me somethin' i can hold onto
for just a little while won't you, won't you let me be

lie to me, go ahead and lie to me…

Read more...

another year goes by...

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

"so they say it's your birthday!..."
~ farmer ted

i just might have broken the 7 year streak of bad birthdays...

fingers crossed.

Read more...

i'll be your downfall...

Monday, October 20, 2008

i wonder how you sleep
i wonder what you think of me
if i could go back
would you have ever been with me
i want you to be uneased
i want you to remember
i want you to believe in me
i want you on my side
come on and...

lay it down
i've always been with you
here and now
give all that's within you
be my savior
and i'll be your downfall

here we go again
ashamed of being broken in
we're getting off track
i want to get you back, again
i want you to trouble me
i wanted you to linger
i want you to agree with me
i want so much so bad
come on and...

lay it down
i've always been with you
here and now
give all that's within you
be my savior
and i'll be your downfall


yeah be my savior
only love can save us now
love save me now
only love can save us now
i'll be your downfall
our love can save us now
love save me now

lay it down
i've always been with you
here and now
give all that's within you
be my savior
and i'll be your downfall

now i'm back, on my own
yeah my feet are heavy, made of stone
i'll make you go, where i go
well they're here, can i take you home
and i'm coming home, on my back
kissing me, your lips painted black

i'll be your downfall...

let me be your downfall.

Read more...

i've never been good enough...

Sunday, October 19, 2008

she said i don't know if i've ever been good enough,
i'm a little bit rusty, and i think my head is caving in.
and i don't know if i've ever been really loved
by a hand that's touched me, and i feel like something's gonna give.
and i'm a little bit angry, well…

this ain't over, no not here, not while i still need you around
you don't owe me, we might change it
yeah we just might feel good

i wanna push you around, well i will, well i will
i wanna push you down, well i will, well i will
i wanna take you for granted, i wanna take you for granted
well i will

she said i don't know why you ever would lie to me

like i'm a little un-trusting when i think that the truth is gonna hurt ya.
and i don't know why you couldn't just stay with me,
you couldn't stand to be near me,
when my face don't seem to want to shine
cause it's a little bit dirty well…

don't just stand there, saying nice things to me
i've been cheated, i've been wronged, and you,
you don't know me, i can't change
i won't do anything at all

i wanna push you around, well i will, well i will
i wanna push you down, well i will, well i will
i wanna take you for granted, i wanna take you for granted
well i will

oh but don't bowl me over,
just wait a minute well it kinda fell apart, things get so crazy, crazy
don't rush this baby, don't rush this baby…

i wanna push you around, well i will, well i will
i wanna push you down, well i will, well i will
i wanna take you for granted, yeah yeah yeah.i wanna take you, take you...
well i will.
push you around.
drag you down.
push you around.
well i will.

Read more...

bad mood...

Friday, October 17, 2008

would you want me when i'm not myself?
wait it out while i am someone else?

Read more...

StrengthsQuest #1 - Empathy

Thursday, October 16, 2008

and here it is folks... if you thought that the other top 4 were perfect definitions of my strengths, wait until you get a load of this...

this defines me.

completely.


Empathy

Theme Description

You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person’s perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person’s predicament—this would be sympathy, not Empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. This instinctive ability to understand is powerful. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need. Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings—to themselves as well as to others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you.

Action Items

You can sense what it feels like to be someone else.

You can pick up on the pain and joy of others -- sometimes before they express it. Other people feel heard by you and experience your compassion.

Because you can quickly understand others, people are drawn to you when they have a need or a problem, especially in relationships.

Your Empathy can be challenging because you may become overwhelmed with all of the emotions you can pick up in a day.

You have a natural ability for getting in touch with the feelings of others. Hone this talent by refining the words you use to name the feelings you experience and those you observe in others. Help others name their feelings, as well. People who can name their feelings seem to work better with other people.

At times your Empathy talents can drain you, if you are not careful to develop rituals at the end of each day that allow you to "decompress."

Absorbing others' emotions sometimes leads to experiencing those emotions yourself. Establish clear boundaries between yourself and those to whom you connect.

If you pick up negative emotions more easily than the positive, you may need to intentionally become more aware of positive emotions. This proactivity can keep you more balanced and emotionally rewarded.

You are an emotional person, and you need to express your own emotions to someone you trust.

Sometimes it is important to be silent. You likely have the talent to let people understand you know how they are feeling, without even talking. Refine your nonverbal communication skills.

Let others know you can feel their pain and that tears are okay. Communicating that you understand their feelings builds trust.

Keep a journal in which you reflect on what you learned from other people and their passions, fears, joys, and other emotions.

As soon as you have an idea, write it down, including your feelings about it.

When you read, identify how you can relate the emotions of the characters to your own or those of people you know. This will make the material come alive for you and help you remember the it better.

Discuss issues that are on your mind with your friends. You are usually there for them. Allow them, likewise, to be there for you. Share you feelings with them, because they may not be able to identify feelings as easily as you do.

Use your Empathy talents when conflicts arise at work and other group settings.

Be careful not to let those you support overwhelm you. Just as it is important you be there for your friends and family whenever they need you, it is crucial that you keep your goals a priority.

Become involved in activities, clubs, or organizations that will help you feel like you're making a difference with individuals through your empathy.

Consider working with students to help them to better understand their own feelings and sort through their emotions.

Position yourself as a confidante for your students. Many students feel overwhelmed at school; you'll understand and help them get through the difficulties they're facing.

Because you're nonjudgmental and understand the feelings of individuals, you'll be a welcome addition to most groups.

The "emotional tone" of your work environment is important. You might find that surrounding yourself with others who are positive and upbeat is highly rewarding.

Seek work environments in which emotions are valued and not repressed. The rich emotional economy will be the perfect environment for your Empathy talents.


how freaky is that???

(* note the italics... things i need to think about. seriously.)

Read more...

StrengthsQuest #2 - Learner

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

my #2. i am such a nerd. ;o)

Learner

Theme Description

You love to learn. The subject matter that interests you most will be determined by your other themes and experiences, but whatever the subject, you will always be drawn to the process of learning. The process, more than the content or the result, is especially exciting for you. You are energized by the steady and deliberate journey from ignorance to competence. The thrill of the first few facts, the early efforts to recite or practice what you have learned, the growing confidence of a skill mastered—this is the process that entices you. Your excitement leads you to engage in adult learning experiences—yoga or piano lessons or graduate classes. It enables you to thrive in dynamic work environments where you are asked to take on short project assignments and are expected to learn a lot about the new subject matter in a short period of time and then move on to the next one. This Learner theme does not necessarily mean that you seek to become the subject matter expert, or that you are striving for the respect that accompanies a professional or academic credential. The outcome of the learning is less significant than the “getting there.”

Action Items

You want to continuously learn and improve.

You enjoy the process of learning as much as what you actually learn -- perhaps even more.

You get a thrill out of learning new facts, beginning a new subject, and mastering an important skill. Learning builds your confidence.

You can get frustrated about wanting to learn so many different things because you fear you'll never be an expert.

You are energized by the challenge of keeping up with constantly changing fields.

Identify your own learning style. How do you learn best -- through doing? By reading? When you listen to experts? When you are able to work with friends in a group? Find your best learning environments and organize your life so that you are in these environments more. Use your Learner talents to learn about yourself -- and achieve more in the process.

Find ways to track the progress of your learning. If there are distinct levels or stages of learning within a body of knowledge or skill, celebrate your progression from one level to the next. If no such levels exist, create them for yourself. (For example, set a goal of reading five books on the subject.)

You love the challenge of a steep learning curve, so beware of learning plateaus. Seek opportunities to stretch yourself with more difficult or complex assignments and courses.

Learning is meaningful to you. Keep the mentality that you are never done learning, not even when school is over. You are a lifelong learner. Keep a journal of "lessons learned" that you can go back to often.

You love the process of learning so much that the outcome may not matter to you. As a result, you may have a number of unfinished projects that you plan to come back to "someday."

Keep a journal in which you reflect on what you learned from your experiences.

Exceed expectations. Do more than is required of you.

Look at every situation as a possible learning experience. This approach will help you become aware of what you do well and where you need help.

Always ask, "What did I learn from this?"

Have lots of conversations on subjects you are passionate about with people who are interested in learning.

Build relationships with those from whom you want to learn.

Don't restrict your learning experiences to the classroom. Engage in activities in which you can expand your knowledge about subject that interest you most.

Choose a work environment that encourages constant learning or where study is a way of life.

Environments that value the learning process will bring out your best, particularly if you will have opportunities to develop strengths.

Read more...

StrengthsQuest #3 - Developer

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

i love that this is one of my strengths...

Developer

Theme Description

You see the potential in others. Very often, in fact, potential is all you see. In your view no individual is fully formed. On the contrary, each individual is a work in progress, alive with possibilities. And you are drawn toward people for this very reason. When you interact with others, your goal is to help them experience success. You look for ways to challenge them. You devise interesting experiences that can stretch them and help them grow. And all the while you are on the lookout for the signs of growth—a new behavior learned or modified, a slight improvement in a skill, a glimpse of excellence or of “flow” where previously there were only halting steps. For you these small increments—invisible to some—are clear signs of potential being realized. These signs of growth in others are your fuel. They bring you strength and satisfaction. Over time many will seek you out for help and encouragement because on some level they know that your helpfulness is both genuine and fulfilling to you.

Action Items

You naturally see others' potential to move, change, grow, and develop for the better.

You love to see others make progress, and you will notice even the slightest progress.

Being a part of another person's development is the one of best experiences in the world for you.

Other people may not be as interested in their development as you are. In fact, they might push you away because they feel you are pressuring them.

Your role in any setting usually involves facilitating growth. Roles in teaching, advising, coaching, or managing might prove especially satisfying for you, so seek out those opportunities.

Notice when your friends learn and grow, and enhance their growth by sharing your specific observations.

You are a natural encourager. Take the time to call or e-mail people who need your encouragement most.

You probably will flourish when you help less fortunate people or disadvantaged students see that their talents are opportunities for development.

Recognize that while you notice the "baby steps" of progress, others may expect bigger steps. Be able to articulate these intermediate steps to others.

Keep an ongoing list of your key learning experiences. Track your own progress and growth.

Pretend that you are going to explain to others what you are trying to learn. This will help you retain more information and improve your comprehension.

Always have one or more mentors, and let them know what they add to your life. Consult them regularly.

Help your friends choose developmental experiences.

Coach friends who have a specific goal or focus in mind (such as running a marathon or losing weight). Encourage them in their progress.

Use your ability and passion to help others by joining organizations that will allow you to exercise your talents in helping others succeed. This will allow you to feel good about what you do and learn from your experiences. For example, consider becoming a mentor or peer counselor, or join community service organizations.

You likely have a talent for noting people's progress and for helping them become even better at what they do. Seek an environment in which your work involves getting "people done through work" rather than "work done through people."

You will be most satisfied in a career that provides some type of service to people or in which organizational success is based on interpersonal relationships and your ability to help people be successful.

Environments that are collaborative and people-oriented, where you can be part of a team but also have time to work one-on-one with others, is likely to allow your Developer talents to flourish.

Talk to counselors, teachers, speech therapists, athletic coaches, acting coaches, life coaches, and those who work in your campus learning center to find out what they enjoy most about their work.

Read more...

StrengthsQuest #4 - Input

Monday, October 13, 2008

bring on strength #4...

Input

Theme Description

You are inquisitive. You collect things. You might collect information—words, facts, books, and quotations—or you might collect tangible objects such as butterflies, baseball cards, porcelain dolls, or sepia photographs. Whatever you collect, you collect it because it interests you. And yours is the kind of mind that finds so many things interesting. The world is exciting precisely because of its infinite variety and complexity. If you read a great deal, it is not necessarily to refine your theories but, rather, to add more information to your archives. If you like to travel, it is because each new location offers novel artifacts and facts. These can be acquired and then stored away. Why are they worth storing? At the time of storing it is often hard to say exactly when or why you might need them, but who knows when they might become useful? With all those possible uses in mind, you really don’t feel comfortable throwing anything away. So you keep acquiring and compiling and filing stuff away. It’s interesting. It keeps your mind fresh. And perhaps one day some of it will prove valuable.

Action Items

You always want to know more. You crave information.

You like to collect certain things, such as ideas, books, memorabilia, quotations, and facts.

You have an active curiosity. You find many things very interesting. A few minutes of "surfing the Net" may turn into hours once your curiosity takes off, and you might have difficulties filing and housing all of the new information you acquire.

You are naturally curious but may need to intentionally schedule time to feed your mind. Take time to read books and articles that stimulate you, or to travel to new places. Your Input talents need regular "feeding."

Devise a system for storing and easily locating the information you gather. This system can be as simple as a file for all the articles you have clipped or as sophisticated as a computer database.

Identify situations in which you can share the information you have collected with other people. Being able to share your "stuff" with others will make for a better learning experience for everyone.

A sense of when to stop seeking information is just as valuable a talent as your thirst for information.

Save all notes, books, magazines, etc. to create a personal library.

To continue making progress and stay on track while doing required work, put sticky notes on areas you wish to go back and look at.

Prioritize the most critical information. Otherwise, you might become distracted by other information that fascinates you but is not as relevant.

Share your information with friends. Determine who would be interested in each bit of information, rather than giving all information to everyone.

Be aware that the more you know, the more likely it is that others will seek you out for information and see you as highly credible.

Study about fascinating places to travel. Gather information, and go!

Environments that give you the freedom to pursue threads of information and that focus on informed decision-making are likely to bring out your best.

You probably will enjoy a career in which you are always on the cutting edge of knowledge and you can gather and share valuable pieces of relevant information.

Choose jobs that require you to be an expert collector and consumer of research. This type of environment will energize you.

Read more...

StrengthsQuest #5 - Adaptability

Sunday, October 12, 2008

so we had to take this test for work that defines our top 5 strengths. i was skeptical at first. i've done so many personality tests, leadership tests, etc. then i took StrengthsQuest.

it completely defines me.

eerily so.

here is my #5. (the rest will follow...)


Adaptability

Theme Description

You live in the moment. You don’t see the future as a fixed destination. Instead, you see it as a place that you create out of the choices that you make right now. And so you discover your future one choice at a time. This doesn’t mean that you don’t have plans. You probably do. But this theme of Adaptability does enable you to respond willingly to the demands of the moment even if they pull you away from your plans. Unlike some, you don’t resent sudden requests or unforeseen detours. You expect them. They are inevitable. Indeed, on some level you actually look forward to them. You are, at heart, a very flexible person who can stay productive when the demands of work are pulling you in many different directions at once.

Action Items

In many ways, you modify yourself to meet the demands of your environment.

You easily adjust to many things all day long because you naturally live in the moment.

You create the future out of the choices you make right now, one choice at a time.

Your "go with the flow" attitude may seem like irresponsibility to those who prefer structure and predictability. They may get irritated with what they perceive to be sloppiness or carelessness.

Adaptability talents are valuable because they allow you to keep moving forward when the unexpected happens. You can press ahead in a world of unknowns and seemingly unfair treatment when others would give up. You can deal with everything from injustices to crises and still find a way to make progress.

Your ability to take things in stride means that you can be a calm and reassuring influence to people who don't handle change well. Use your exceptional ability to deal with stress by making yourself available to those who need your perspective.

You enjoy the journey as much as you enjoy the destination. Help others find enjoyment along the way by encouraging them to see what's happening in the moment. You will enjoy the journey even more when there are others to share it with you.

Your spontaneity can help others realize how many valuable experiences might be missed if they don't seize the moment.

Because you live in the moment, you might find yourself easily distracted by new things that come along. You might be particularly likely to drop everything when your friends want you to go out with them. Connect your Adaptability talents with some of the talents in your other Signature Themes to help you remember the importance of what you're doing, so you'll be more likely to stay on task when necessary.

Your natural ability to "go with the flow" enables you to make adjustments easily, but added perspective on how to organize your schedule or be more efficient when the pressure hits is important.

To others, things seem to just "fall into place" for you. Help them recognize that it isn't luck. You have a talent for adjusting to changing circumstances and that it takes a lot of hard work.

Live in the moment.

Leverage your ability not to feel overwhelmed by multifaceted assignments. Document three to five instances during the day when you successfully juggled competing tasks.

Surround yourself with individuals who, like you, pause to take in the world's loveliness as it appears. Identify people who automatically put aside what they are doing to watch a sunset, listen to rustling leaves, or enjoy the arts.

Convince those around you of the importance of not fighting change. Outline the benefits of letting go of the original plan in order to try a new process.

Your Adaptability talents will flourish in environments that reward responsiveness and your ability to "turn on a dime."

You may thrive in chaos. Avoid environments that are highly structured or routine, with lots of rules and regulations.

Read more...

possibly...

Saturday, October 11, 2008

"sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison.
and the crime is how much we hate ourselves.

it's good to get really dressed up once in a while. and admit the truth:
that when you really look closely, people are so strange and so complicated that they're actually...

beautiful.

possibly even me."

~ angela chase

Read more...

tangled web of thought...

Friday, October 10, 2008

confusion.

misleading information regarded as a curse branded with confusion.

i may have mentioned how many paths and lives i lead, or follow. do i lead or follow? well, i am confused. which path is my life heading now? it could be luxurious cohabitation, ungratefully absorbed and now suddenly dismissed. dismissed because of an apparition?

what is it.

longing.

there is a certain mischievious dance in the sable eyes animated in a torrent of feeling, undefinable to even the owner of those eyes.

ignore. no, please.

try with all your might to untangle the web of thoughts, feelings, dreams, inhibitions. pour them through your speech, mouth, eyes, touch, hands. i will soak them up and comprehend them in the simple manor my mind is capable of. i will comfort your soul.

confusion. yes, i suppose. but everyone is confused. spurred by feelings rather than thought. reasonable and probable. a change in the position of life. an understanding of happiness, but yet, usually only at first sight. ordinary and realistic. start to think. a curtain has fallen over my eyes. they are closing slowly…. tragedy.

no, no, no! tragedy.


Read more...

break myself...

Thursday, October 9, 2008

i'm on fire.
and the day is feeling hopeless.
you'd see me burning but the burning's turning smokeless.
soon i won't feel at all.
no.

it's electric, the neon hurt inside your phone call.
the layered sadness and the madness it revolves,
bringing down the walls where you found me.
no.

well, i'm willing to break myself
to shake this hell from everything i touch.
i'm willing to bleed for days my reds and grays
so you don't hurt... so much.

and now i'm static,
as your sky is turning purple and gray.
i'm learning that the further that i crawl
the farther that i fall, is that ok?
no.

and you're in pieces,
as your world becomes a rainstorm.
you've got no shelter, i'm a thousand miles away
if you survive the day...

you say your leaving,
...say your leaving.

well, i'm willing to break myself
to shake this hell from everything i touch.
i'm willing to bleed for days my reds and grays
so you don't hurt so much.

so you don't hurt... so much.

never again will we fire this gun,
no. never again your the only one.
never again but you're already gone.

i'm willing to break myself
i'm not afraid
i'm willing to break myself
i'm not afraid
i'm willing to break myself
i'm not afraid

well, i'm willing to break myself
to shake this hell from everything i touch.
i'm willing to bleed for days my reds and grays
so you don't hurt so much...

so much.
so much.
so much.
so much.

Read more...

flaws...

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

"she's not just a fantasy. she's got, like, ... flaws. she's real."
~brian krakow

Read more...

completely unexpected...

he said exactly the right things. not because he had to. not because he wanted to. he said them because that is all that he knew to say. he said them because it that was what he was thinking and feeling.

and they were exactly what i needed to hear.

he let me mumble incoherently. he let me sob. he let me be irrational and self-destructive.

and when i managed to gather some semblance of control... he told me how amazing i am. he told me that he knew i was doing everything that i could. he told me how selfless i am. he talked through everything that i said. not looking for answers... but to try and make some sense of everything.

and to help me realize that i tried.

and to help me understand that i need to think about myself once and awhile... because he can see that i don't. ever. he said he wants to put me first. he said that way he knows that if i can't put myself first, someone will.

in a situation that is extremely complicated and confusing. in a situation he really knows very little about. in a situation that makes him uneasy, for many reasons... rightfully so. he was patient. and understanding. and honest.

and the entire time he kept his arms wrapped around me... so i felt safe.

Read more...

never where i thought i'd end up...

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

scratch that.... never where i want to end up. so i won't let myself.

not anymore.


all i can ever be to you,

is a darkness that we knew,
and this regret i've got accustomed to,
once it was so right,
when we were at our high,
waiting for you in the hotel at night.
i knew i hadn't met my match,
but every moment we could snatch,
i don't know why i got so attached.
it's my responsibility,
and you don't owe nothing to me,
but to walk away i have no capacity.

he walks away,
the sun goes down,
he takes the day but i'm grown,
and in your way, in this blue shade
my tears dry on their own.

i don't understand,
why do i stress a man,
when there's so many bigger things at hand.
we could a never had it all,
we had to hit a wall,
so this is inevitable withdrawal.
even if i stop wanting you,
a perspective pushes true,
i'll be some next man's other woman soon.

i shouldn't play myself again,
i should just be my own best friend,
not fuck myself in the head with stupid men.

he walks away,
the sun goes down,
he takes the day but i'm grown,
and in your way, in this blue shade
my tears dry on their own.

so we are history,
your shadow covers me
the sky above,
a blaze only that lovers see

he walks away,
the sun goes down,
he takes the day but i'm grown,
and in your way, in this blue shade
my tears dry on their own.

i wish i could say no regrets,
and no emotional debts,
cause that kiss goodbye the sun sets.
so we are history,
your shadow covers me,
the sky above a blaze that only lovers see,

he walks away,
the sun goes down,
he takes the day but i'm grown,
and in your way,
my deep shade,
my tears dry…

Read more...

wisdom...

Monday, October 6, 2008

"all i can do is be me. whoever that is."
~ bob dylan

Read more...

peanuts...

Friday, October 3, 2008

"i think i'm afraid to be happy because whenever i get too happy, something bad always happens."
~ charlie brown

Read more...

reaching...

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

girl, you are like summer rain
soft and warm and delicate.
and i am a foolish boy
tryin' to catch every drop of you on my tongue...
but there's just too many
and i can't get enough...

you're inches from my fingertips,
i've come as close as i can get.
i'm reaching but the rest is up to you.
cause i don't ever wanna miss
being here with you like this
i'm trying but it's all that i can do.
i'm reaching but the rest is up to you...

girl you are the morning sky,
glowing calm with burning light.
and as i am waking up
you paint your reflection in my eye...
wonder if you've noticed
i can't look away...

you're inches from my fingertips
i've come as close as i can get
i'm reaching but the rest is up to you.
cause i don't ever wanna miss
being here with you like this
i'm trying but it's all that i can do.
i'm reaching but the rest is up to you...

and you say, so you say
it's a brilliance meant to fade.
love is wild like a fire
burning underneath the rain.
but this is not the same...

you're inches from my fingertips
i've come as close as i can get
i'm reaching but the rest is up to you.
cause i don't ever wanna miss
being here with you like this
i'm trying but it's all that i can do.
i'm reaching but the rest is up to you...

up to you...

girl you are like summer rain, soft and warm and delicate.
and i am a foolish boy, trying to catch every drop that i can of you...

Read more...