... call me captain backfire.

a snowy season's greeting...

2009-12-23T10:44:00.000-08:00

wishing you and yours the best this holiday season...

Picasso Pictures Christmas Card 2009 from Amael Isnard on Vimeo.

peace and love to you,
calixta.jive.

"hello... you've reached the winter of our discontent..."

2009-12-22T07:43:00.000-08:00

have you ever gone through each day wondering if a decision you made may have been the biggest mistake you've ever made?

i have.

i do.

merry yule everyone!...

2009-12-21T14:47:00.000-08:00

yuletide greetings, happy winter solstice, merry darkest night... whatever you prefer to call it. may your day, and (longest) night, be filled with joy and love.

xoxo.

is that a yule log in your pocket or are you just feeling festive? lol.

i'm too old for this...

2009-12-18T08:11:00.000-08:00

to be honest with ya'll, i'm not even sure where to start.

i guess i'll take the easy (easiest?) route and try starting at the beginning... when i last left you i was headed to my last day of work in SoCal before my big move back to WI.

let me summarize the experience by saying this... it was me and my 2 cats in the car for a little less than 3 days... wow. actually, it was kind of fun. and my cats like hotels. who knew?

i arrived in WI in the middle of july or so... and when did the moving company get all of my things to WI? THE. END. OF. AUGUST. no joke.

i packed my car with enough stuff for me and my cats to survive 2 weeks. i'm talking the basics here folks, some clothes, my travel toiletries, all my cat stuff, my sleeping bag and pillow, my laptop, my camera, and some valuables i didn't want to pack. so let's just say that sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag for 5 weeks is NOT my idea of a good time. hell, i realized i am far too old for that... i was so sore! and yes, it crossed my mind to buy/borrow an air mattress but i have 2 cats with all their claws. enough said.

the kicker is that the end of august and september is one of the busiest times at work for me... especially starting a new job. so how fast do you think i got my stuff unpacked? oh yeah, there are still a few boxes that i haven't even emptied yet. i'm hoping to tackle that over the holiday break. *fingers crossed*

so that is just a little bit of why i haven't been blogging in awhile... understandable, i think so. the rest of the saga, to be continued...

drenched in vanilla twilight...

2009-12-17T11:57:00.000-08:00

the stars lean down to kiss you
and i lie awake and miss you
pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'cause i'll doze off safe and soundly
but i'll miss your arms around me
i'd send a postcard to you, dear
'cause i wish you were here

i'll watch the night turn light-blue
but it's not the same without you
because it takes two to whisper quietly

the silence isn't so bad
'til i look at my hands and feel sad
'cause the spaces between my fingers
are right where yours fit perfectly

i'll find repose in new ways
though i haven't slept in two days
'cause cold nostalgia
chills me to the bone

but drenched in vanilla twilight
i'll sit on the front porch all night
waist-deep in thought because
when i think of you i don't feel so alone

i don't feel so alone, i don't feel so alone

as many times as i blink
i'll think of you tonight
i'll think of you tonight

when violet eyes get brighter
and heavy wings grow lighter
i'll taste the sky and feel alive again

and i'll forget the world that i knew
but i swear i won't forget you
oh, if my voice could reach
back through the past
i'd whisper in your ear
oh darling, i wish you were here

someone turn off my mind...

2009-12-16T17:19:00.000-08:00

i know i've been gone a looooong ass time. and i'll get to that at some point. but for now, i need to know...

are there such things as "signs" out there?

now, i'm not talking about red octagons and yellow triangle type signs. i'm talking about having a dream about smoke and then your house burns down the next day. or your not sure where to eat for lunch and then you get a restaurant coupon in your email. alright, maybe those weren't very good examples, but you get my point.

see here's the deal... i try really hard to not think about my ex, "the one", but he just happened to come up in casual conversation today. no big deal. right? i haven't talked about him in months and i haven't seen him in years, but whatever. then just a few short hours later i check my e-mail and guess who has friended me on FB? yup, "the one".

so is that a sign? a freaky coincidence? or just something to get my overworked brain all messed up about?

if only my mind had an off switch...

you may need to sit down for this one...

2009-12-15T08:37:00.000-08:00

yes. it's true.

i'm back.

:o)

a short hiatus...

2009-07-13T10:46:00.000-07:00

today is my last day at work before i start my trek cross country to my new job. therefore i probably will not get a chance to update ya'll until i'm settled back in good ol' WI. don't worry, i'll try to update via twitter @CALIXTAJIVE and i'll catch up on all of your lovely blogs in the hotel rooms along the way...

it's a sad and happy last day... i'm sort of at a loss for words.

discontinuity...

2009-07-08T17:32:00.000-07:00

today i read an interesting article about the new ad campaign by Wieden+Kennedy that is supposed to help re-brand the dying Levi’s.

here is a tidbit:

"...was supposed to target Generation O seems to have ignored all the participation and multi-culturalism that this Obama-era is supposed to represent. Instead, we find lone white young men and women running through the hills and towards waves reflecting a misplaced interpretation of freedom..."

Levi’s and its campaign don’t connect with the great things that are happening in this country, the radiant mix of cultures evolving within it nor the reality of its past."

"Probably the most appalling ad in the campaign is the one where a young girl runs through a meadow by the words “This Country Was Not Built By Men In Suits”. Now, some of us here (me) didn’t spend a lot of time studying US history but I know that the people who built this country couldn’t even run freely in the fields. Agency Spy spotted graffiti daubed on the ad in New York’s subway which spells out who a little more clearly: “By Slaves”."

read the entire thing HERE...

what frustrates me most as a graphic designer is the discontinuity of the images and overall message in the video advertisement compared to the print campaign. does THIS commercial look reflective of the above statements and posters?

i don't think so.

consistency and accuracy are key in branding. how could an advertising agency not see this? (especially W+K...)

maybe the day has come...

2009-07-07T19:22:00.000-07:00

"and the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

~ anais nin

i'm still smiling...

2009-07-01T16:38:00.000-07:00

there are so many millions of things that are stressing me out, frustrating me, making me angry, worrying me, etc. for example:

i am moving to WI in 2 weeks... 2 weeks!... and i still don't have an apartment.
because i still don't have an apartment i can't finalize the movers.
i haven't even started packing.
i still have a million things to do at work and my last day is july 13.
i have to start work 2 days after i get to WI... what?!
i have to start my life over... again.
i have to make all new friends... again.
i have to learn a new job and meet all new students... again.
canceling/setting up utilities and changing addresses on EVERYTHING is no fun.
have i mentioned that i haven't started packing???

but even after all of that... i am still smiling.

wanna know why?

i think i just unintentionally may have sort of accidentally kinda randomly unexpectedly maybe fell in love.

and i should be completely distraught about the thought of leaving him and moving halfway across the country. but i'm not.

i feel so lucky that he has been a part of my life, and that i have gotten to be a part of his, that i am just oh so grateful for him i'm smiling.

and it hasn't been like any other "relationship" i've ever had. i know i haven't regaled you all with a play-by-play of how things have been going (besides the occasional update) like i have in the past, but it's just been so different. it's hard to explain. it's hard to put in words. it's a little overwhelming and a whole lotta scary, but it is just so good.

and who knows... maybe if things are meant to be they will work out in the end.

if not... i am just so damn glad that the driver decided to let me be a part of his world these last few weeks. my heart has grown because of it...

:o)

spit that game, v.4...

2009-06-30T22:59:00.000-07:00

once again, it is that time...

if you missed the introduction to "SPIT THAT GAME ", let me fill you in...

because i love hip-hop and because i'm "down" (i mean really, who doesn't need a tip drill?) (not too mention i have the ass to prove it, lol, that is a topic for another post...), i feel that it is my duty to share with you a random sampling of a few of my all time favorite lines. now some of these lines have specific memories associated with them, some are just so true it is pure genius, and some just crack my shit up!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

because it's been far too long since our last installment, i bring you... VOLUME 4!!!

"protection, for gangs, clubs and nations. causing grief in human relations. it's a turf war, on a global scale. i'd rather hear both sides of the tale. see, its not about races, just places, faces. where your blood comes from is where your space is. i've seen the bright get duller, i'm not going to spend my life being a color." - l.t.b. (in michael jackson's black or white) (now those are some rap lines that still ring true...)

"check it out! once upon a time in '94, montell made no money and life sure was slow.
all they said was 6'8" he stood, and people thought the music that he made was good..." - montell jordan (seriously awesome... because this is how we do it!)

'so what up, what's haapnin'?
all you haters, can get at me
'cause i hear you, and am watchin' but am serious
haters, so all i got to say is WHAT UP!?...
"what it is bruh? what it do man?"' - t.i. (i'm not gonna lie to ya... i greet all my friends with "what it is bruh? what it do man?" now... lol, it's funny 'cause it's true...)

"hell yeah ma, i love a girl that's willin' to learn. willin' to get in the driver's seat and willin' to turn. and not concerned about that he say, she say, did he say what i think he said? squash that, he probably got that off ebay or some, internet access, some website chat line. mad cause i got mine, oh don't wind up on the flat line..." - nelly (who doesn't love rapping this line? 'cause this girl does!!! i even have hand motions for it... heehee.)

"watch out for the medallion my diamonds are wreckless.
feels like a MIDGET is hanging from my necklace." - ludacris (classic. CLASSIC!)

i'm itching to go dancing now... bring on JULY!!!

don't stop 'til you get enough...

2009-06-25T19:37:00.000-07:00

i am currently listening to PYT in honor of the King of Pop.

i can't put it any better than rs27 over at Your Beard is Good:

'"As my friend told me today, "He is the soundtrack of our childhood." I couldn't put it any better. So he was weird. So he was flakey and made poor decisions. Whatever. His music ruled.
....
If you don't like 80s Michael Jackson music you hate life.'

because MJ made us dance, MJ reminded us to not stop 'til we got enough, MJ made music fun, MJ made us all smooth criminals, MJ made music say something, MJ helped us remember the time, MJ thrilled us, MJ made us look at the man in the mirror, MJ was "bad", MJ made us ALL moonwalk, and of course...

MJ had some serious talent. no matter what choices he made, his music never ceased to be amazing... thanks for everything MJ, rest in peace...

wine and water...

2009-06-24T14:15:00.000-07:00

i'm not a big fan of e-mail forwards (i'm sure ya'll understand when i already get around 200-300 e-mails a day for work), but i couldn't pass this one up (not sure where it originated though...). it made me giggle... heehee... enjoy!

"Wine and Water

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine (or beer, rum, tequila, vodka, whiskey... or other spirited beverage) ...and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia Coli, (aka. E. Coli - the bacteria found in feces).

In other words, we are consuming

1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when:
Drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey, vodka... or other spirited beverage), because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

So remember:

Water = Poop
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service."

bumblebee is my homeboy...

2009-06-23T15:21:00.000-07:00

yes. i said it. bumblebee IS my homeboy!

and i am so extremely ridiculously crazy excited for TRANSFORMERS 2: Revenge of The Fallen tonight at midnight!!!

(i'm even going out to buy the NEW limited transformers strawberried peanut butter M&M's before we go get in line... woot!)

i'm an old lady...

2009-06-17T14:33:00.000-07:00

and no, it's not my birthday. not even close. it may be worse than that.

i threw out my back. for the second time this year.

damn, i'm old.

so now... do i go to the doctor or not? do i go and have them tell me to rest and take aleve and i'll be better in a couple weeks... or even better have them tell me to use a heating pad and remember to walk around every few hours... or do i just tough it out?

i guess there is a chance it could be something bad.

but the reality is... it hurts. and this sucks.

you're driftin' in and out of my dreams...

2009-06-16T21:35:00.001-07:00

let me update you on my weekend...

so as you may know, saturday was LA day! my girlfriends and i were complete tourists and despite the gloomy weather in the morning, i had an absolute blast!!! i had the best hotdog at pink's and bought some great buttons and stickers at johnny cupcakes... along with this shirt:

how cute is this?!?! ;o) (and no... that is not me. but that does remind me, i still need to show you my latest tattoo.)

oh and i bought yummy cupcakes at sprinkles, walked down rodeo drive, we shopped at the farmer's market, i got to see the USC campus, and we ate dinner at the original el cholo's!!! mmmm, green corn tamales!

after we got home saturday night i was exhausted but i just couldn't pass up the invitation the driver's invitation to come over. things have been interesting between us. i can't even believe how much he means to me. and this is coming from me... who decided not to feel too strongly about anyone too fast after my latest debacles with the male species. i just can't get over how great we get along, how happy he makes me, and how attracted to him i am. rarrr. lol.

anyway... we had talked friday night (yes... when i was so upset) and it was good. he helped me put my feelings about work and moving into perspective. and we also talked about us for a little bit. he told me that he was considering telling me that he couldn't see me anymore, that we shouldn't talk anymore... but he came to the same conclusion that freckledk helped me realize - that he'd rather spend the rest of my time here with me than spend the rest of his life wondering "what if".

so i stayed with him saturday night and we spent sunday morning being lazy before he took me to IKEA for the first time... and all i have to say about that is WOW! the rest of the afternoon was spent building cabinets and laughing that he got all of the measurements wrong. then me remeasuring everything and making a second trip to IKEA. heehee. in the end we got all the right parts and i proceeded to put together all of his kitchen cabinets. it was so much fun!!! and yes... he adores me. hopefully as much as i adore him. :o)

and even more proof of how wonderful the driver is, he told me to bring my laptop - my baby - and then went ahead and added more RAM and all kinds of other techinical amazingness (cuz that's how he rolls). now how sweet is that?!?!

oh and he bought us tickets to see transformers at the arclight in hollywood! woot! i am so so excited!!!!! the best part is that he is not even close to as pumped as i am, he bought them just because he knows how excited i am! he is damn near perfect... ;o)

so about this whole WI not being next to CA.........

and that. was. my. weekend.

i'm sorry, what?!?...

2009-06-15T19:29:00.001-07:00

i have two things for you blogbunnies today... and because i'm trying to even out the craziness one is funny and one is just ridiculous (and not in that totally rad way that i love... more like what-the-eff? ridiculous). i'll update you on LA day and my fun weekend tomorrow...

ready?

i'll go with the fun first. ya'll know i have a BFA. yup. i was an art student. and i LOVED it!!! i'd go back in a heartbeat. in fact, i still dream about getting my MFA someday (because my MSed is not enough???) and have even sent away for all the info on my top choices of schools. so along those lines... i do keep up on my design skillz (though not always as much as i'd like to, unfortunately) and i spend some time reading a few of my favorite art/graphic/design etc. blogs. and low and behold what did i stumble upon today?

over on blog 30x30 by chuck dillon he asks the question "which student are you?"

chuck dillon 2009 - www.blog30x30blogspot.com

hilarious!!! and so true. i may have made a few slight changes (simply due to the fact that i went to a different school in a very different part of the country) but nonetheless... hilarious!!!

can you guess which one i was??? (and no... it is not the one featured here... lol.)

and now on the what-the-eff ridiculousness...

do you remember the ranger? yup, this one. one and the same. and you remember this (oh yes, almost 2 months to the day after visiting me, i find out about his gf)?

well, more big news thanks to good ol' FB. almost 2 months to the day after finding out that the ranger has a gf he never ever mentioned to me (and we are supposed to be good friends... or so i thought) and almost 4 months to the day after the aforementioned incident above i log on to facebook and what do i see???

over in the so-called "highlights" section it reads: "the ranger is engaged to girl i didn't know existed" (formerly known as girl who is not me) (once again, names have been changed, slightly).

ENGAGED? what-the-eff???

seriously!

and no, i'm not interested in being with the ranger. that's not it. it just bothers me that we are supposed to be good friends and yet he is dating someone i've never heard him mention and then suddenly he is engaged to her. i guess my idea of being friends is slightly different than his???

and what was his visit all about then? i just don't even have words...

hmmmm...

today is...

2009-06-13T08:06:00.000-07:00

LA Day!!! and i couldn't be more excited.

(and no, that is not an official day) LA Day is this super fun and exciting day that me and 3 of my girlfriends have planned out for weeks. we are heading into LA and we are going to be complete tourists! it is going to be amazing...

here is a list of some of the things we have planned:

pinks! (you have no idea how excited i am for this... yum yum yum!!!)
johnny cupcakes (no, it's not a cupcake shop)
beverly hills
sprinkles (yes, this one actually is a cupcake shop... and i've never ever been!)
the farmer's market
hollywood
... and a whole bunch of other things, places, and sights that i can't even remember right now!!!

this is just what i need to cheer me up. i'll tell you all about it when i get back! :o) and if you have any suggestions of things i need to do before i leave CA... let me know!!!

i apologize in advance...

2009-06-12T21:26:00.000-07:00

yes, i know i'm not supposed to apologize for myself in my blogs. or complain too much or make my posts too long, but fuck it. this is my blog and i'll do what i want.

and i'm all fucking riled up tonight. because if i'm not riled up i'm bawling my eyes out.

i have been off and on all fucking day.

i just never ever thought that i'd be upset about leaving. my only thoughts were how many happy dances i would be doing. i certainly didn't think i'd be this. fucking. upset.

damn i'm swearing like a drunken sailor this evening.

i can't even get my thoughts out right now. i can't make them make sense. i want to get them out. i need to. and i just can't seem to do it. argh. one minute i'm fine... the next i'm hysterical.

this is just so unexpected. i moved out here and i had a rough time. i didn't realize that it would be so hard for me to be so far away from my family. especially since i have such a rough relationship with my mom and sister. but it was everything that i missed... the big family get-togethers, the ability to drive home whenever i needed to, the midwest, the nice people, the seasons, everything that was familiar to me...

and my job was so rough at first. it is such a tough position and it was one hell of a rocky road... but i am a fighter. i don't give up easy. and i have a midwest work ethic dammit!

at first all i wanted to do was leave... but i just couldn't. i knew that eventually i had to move on, move up, move back... for my health, my sanity, i was being realistic.

but in the meantime... i got attached.

i have seen my students come so far. i ahve seen them grow. i have seen them fight me, push back on everything i tried to do, battle every single change. and then i watched them accept me, open up to me, and trust me. i have seen them make huge leaps and strides. i have seen them step on the path to greatness. followers have become leaders. angry, frustrated kids have become passionate, driven adults. and i am so protective of them. i want the best for them. i don't want them to take a step back. i want them to continue on this path to greatness.

i can't even describe it. i guess i feel like they are all my kids and it is my job to take care of them. and yes, i know i can't take care of them forever, but i'm just not ready to let go yet. i want to be sure that they are ready. i want to protect them from everything. i want to be there to fight for them. and i know i can't be there for them forever...

i just can't believe i'm fucking feeling this way.

i don't like it out here. i want to live in the midwest. i have a great new job.

but the thought of leaving my students is just tearing me apart. it hurts physically. i have myself so worked up.

is the next "me" going to take care of them? lead them down the right path? understand the unique system they have? work with them for 15 hours a day because they love them so so much? fight for them because they have their best interest at heart? be at all of their events just to show them how much they care about them? be patient and understanding but firm? have their office open to them all day and all night just to talk things out - good and bad? support them and believe in them?

and the worst damn part... i have no one to talk to.

no one.

all of my "close" friends here have moved on. and my friends back home just don't understand. my family never went to college let alone understand what i do... they didn't want me to move out here in the first place. and i have built my fucking walls so high that i haven't let anyone in enough to have someone to talk to. i know it's my own damn fault but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck ass.

so here i am. bitching. and crying. on a friday night. to the interwebs.

i just hope my students know how so so so proud i am of them. and i know that they can accomplish great things. i believe in them. no matter how many times i tell them... i hope they don't forget...

i expected to be elated... and i'm so nervous and scared and upset...

this isn't how it is supposed to be.

****************************
one addition to that last post:

having my two adorable kitties curl up with me sure does make me feel better. :o)

hmmm, what's my "but"?...

2009-06-11T10:01:00.000-07:00

as you all know, i'm semi-addicted to how i met your mother. now understand that i go on and on about my love for barney stinson because i just started watching it a few months ago. i know, i know! that's blasphemous! but i needed something distracting to watch so one of my dvd-addicted friends let me borrow season 1 and 2 of HIMYM. (and i just got season 3 in from netflix). so yes... i'm late to the game. don't judge.

i was watching season 3 disc 1 last night while i was whipping up a batch of my famous beer dip for a bbq after work today and episode 3.04 "little boys" came on... here is a little taste of the beginning...

lily: so, robin, i've got a guy for you. he's cute, he's funny, he's smart.
ted: what's his 'but'?
lily: what do you mean?
ted: when someone wants to set you up they always tell you the good qualities first but then they leave out their huge flaw.

(flashback to maclaren's, barney telling ted about a girl)

barney: she's totally hot and really fun.
barney: (to himself) but she has a dead tooth.

(flashback to maclaren's, marshall telling ted about a girl)

marshall: she's superhot and she's so successful.
marshall: (to himself) but she has a pug that she pushes around in a stroller.

(flashback to maclaren's, lily and ted sit at booth, lily tells ted about a girl)

lily: she's so cute and she's so smart.
lily: (to herself) but her last boyfriend had to get a restraining order against her and then his cat and new vacuum cleaner both went missing.
ted: wow, set it up.

(back to present scene)

ted: i'm still convinced she killed my turtle.
robin: hey, you know what, not every setup has a 'but'. what about, um, jamie, that girl that lily set you up with? she was really nice.
barney: if memory serves me, she had a huge 'but'. her huge butt. nailed it!

and then a bit later...

robin: yeah. hey, what's my 'but'? you know, i'm really nice, but...
ted: (to himself) but she's afraid of commitment.
lily: (to herself) but she's a gun nut.
barney: (to himself) but she's canadian.
marshall: (to himself) but she didn't like field of dreams.
barney: i can't think of anything.
ted: you don't have a 'but'.

so that got me thinking... what's my "but"?

i could probably guess (i push people away, i don't let people in, apparently i'm intimidating, i'm emotional, my actual butt, lol...) but i don't really know. i wonder what other people would say...

what's your "but"???

adorably awe-summm...

2009-06-10T22:39:00.000-07:00

thanks to my sweetheart nickie over at Learn to Fly. =) for these super fun awards! who doesn't appreciate a sweet compliment every once in awhile? THANKS HUN!

the rules are to:

include the award logo in your blog or post.
nominate as many blogs which you like.
be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
oh and share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

now that's AWE-Summm!!!

rules:

list 7 things that make you awe-summm and then pass to 7 bloggers that you love.
make sure to tag your recipients and let them know that they have won!

i can bake some seriously mean vanilla bean cupcakes. or dark chocolate cinnamon. (those are my two recent faves... i make lots of others!!!)
i am slightly obsessed with stephen king. (ask if you really want to know how obsessed... lol.)
i really really want a '70 Chevelle 454 SS.
i'm moving back to the midwest! woot!
i am mildly addicted to how i met your mother... i just freaking love barney stinson! SUIT UP!
i heart the summer... working normal hours makes life seem so exciting! there are just so many possibilities...
i recently realized that i break all kinds of blog rules and commit numerous blog faux-pas. oops.

now i don't know if any of that makes me AWE-Summm... but it sure does qualify as random... and that is so totally my style!

now tag your blogging buddies... and i tag: anyone who is reading this... enjoy! and thanks for reading!

here (in your arms)...

2009-06-10T07:14:00.000-07:00

i stole this fun little gem from Rose over at Delightfully Inappropriate.

here are the rules...

1. put your iTunes on shuffle.

2. for each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

4. feel free to add some commentary if you’d like.

IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY? she's country - jason aldean (heehee, is that an excuse for something? i'm using it!)
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY? follow through - gavin degraw (interesting.)
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? whatcha need - boyz II men (you bet i like it if they got what i need... lol.)
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE? morning glory - oasis (not sure...)
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? ain't that a bitch - aerosmith (truer words my friend, truer words.)
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? where the blacktop ends - keith urban (that is a good question...)
WHAT IS 2+2? more gangsta music - cam'ron f/ juelz santana (that's my kind of math!)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS? we luv deez hoes - outkast (hell yes!)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE? i'm not strong enough to say no - blackhawk (damn, that's a good one.)
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? who am i? (what's my name?) - snoop dogg (this is perfect, haha!)
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? my wife - the who (umm, what?)
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? on the run - pink floyd (oh damn.)
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? role model - eminem (nice.)
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? i love you - sarah mclachlan (how sappy.)
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? psycho - system of a down (uhh, this makes me nervous.)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? let's get high - dr. dre (well? let's!)
HOW WILL YOU DIE? unwell - mathcbox twenty (good to know.)
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET? my favorite mistake - sheryl crow (but i'll never tell...)
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH? do right woman, do right man - aretha franklin (that's just silly.)
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY? how's it going to be - third eye blind (well i guess so...)
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED? you ain't missin' nothing - t.i. (now that's a fact!)
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST? easy - fuel (wow, scary.)
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU? dance, dance, dance - steve miller band (you mean who doesn't???)
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE? i alone - live (that's a thinker...)
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW? she will be loved - maroon 5 (well, ouch.)
HOW AM I FEELING TODAY? people are strange - the doors (that is a fact.)
WILL I GET FAR IN LIFE? jesus jesus bobeezus - jason mraz (ahahahaha!!!)
HOW DO MY FRIENDS SEE ME? can you handle it? - usher (nope... prolly can't. i'm a handful!!!)
WHAT IS MY BEST FRIEND’S THEME SONG? i wanna be sedated - the offspring (not because of me, i hope.)
WHAT IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE? nails for breakfast, tacks for snacks - panic! at the disco (not very promising... but quite accurate.)
WHAT WAS HIGH SCHOOL LIKE? mouth - bush (umm, sure?)
HOW CAN I GET AHEAD IN LIFE? won't stop - one republic (damn right!)
WHAT IS THE BEST THING ABOUT ME? open arms - journey (good one.)
HOW IS TODAY GOING TO BE? comin' for ya - dmx (uhhoh.)
WHAT IS IN STORE FOR THIS WEEKEND? social disease - bon jovi (AHAHAHA, EPIC!)
WHAT SONG DESCRIBES MY PARENTS? ready to run - dixie chicks (that is for sure... they should've!)
TO DESCRIBE MY GRANDPARENTS? clocks - coldplay (ugh, kinda sad...)
HOW IS MY LIFE GOING? everything i am - kanye west (i like it.)
WHAT SONG WILL THEY PLAY AT MY FUNERAL? beautiful lie - 30 seconds to mars (is that me???)
HOW DOES THE WORLD SEE ME? working class hero - green day (ahh, quality... i love this.)
WILL I HAVE A HAPPY LIFE? don't let the sun go down on me - elton john (oh how dramatic. perfect!)
WHAT DO MY FRIEND’S REALLY THINK OF ME? i put a spell on you - creedence clearwater revival (what they don't know...)
DO PEOPLE SECRETLY LUST AFTER ME? like a prayer - madonna (you betcha!!!)
HOW CAN I MAKE MYSELF HAPPY? on top - the killers (heehee.)
WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY LIFE? rock with you - michael jackson (sounds like a plan...)
WILL I EVER HAVE CHILDREN? ain't going down 'til the sun comes up - garth brooks (ummm, i'll take that as a NO.)
WHAT IS SOME GOOD ADVICE FOR ME? touch, feel, & lose - ryan adams (i can do that.)
HOW WILL I BE REMEMBERED? back 2 good - matchbox twenty (i like it.)
WHAT IS MY SIGNATURE DANCING SONG? stand up - ludacris (hell yes it's a luda song!!!)
WHAT DO I THINK MY CURRENT THEME SONG IS? got it right this time - keith urban (hmmm, i hope that's true.)
WHAT DOES EVERYONE ELSE THINK MY CURRENT THEME SONG IS? (oh no) what you got - justin timberlake (umm, sexy...)
WHAT TYPE OF MEN/WOMEN DO YOU LIKE? jackson - johnny cash f/ june carter (this is good...)
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS? here (in your arms) - hellogoodbye

now how fun and random was that??? love it!

it's alright, cause i'm saved by the bell...

2009-06-09T11:44:00.000-07:00

for those of you that don't know me very well, i have to tell you... i LOVE me some saved by the bell!!!

so news of the possible reunion makes my heart happy and flashbacks of childhood race through my mind... watch this and just try and tell me you don't get a little bit giddy and a whole lot of nostalgic...

ohmygosh it's zack morris!!! (and damn he looks the same even after 20 years!) and thank you jimmy fallon (i heart the fact that you giggled during the first "time out"). and of course... thanks to freckledk for the link!!!

what person around my age can't sing the lyrics to the saved by the bell theme song???

let me get you started...

when i wake up in the morning
and the alarm lets out a warning
i don't think i'll ever make it on time...
by the time i grab my books and i give myself a look
i'm at the corner just in time to see the bus slide by...

it's alright cause i'm saved by the bell...

(so sorry that i just got that stuck in your head!!! heeehee, no i'm not! i'm going to watch episodes of saved by the bell on netflix instantly during my lunch break... oh what a good day!)

'cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life...

2009-06-08T20:38:00.000-07:00

i'm going to preface my exciting news with a quick recap of my weekend... which was amazing. and unexpected.

when i was out of town last week the driver asked me if i wanted to join him at his house friday night so we could get up early and head to the beach. and because i've been looking for an opportunity to spend more time with him, not only because i adore him, but also because it seems as though every time we go out we are staying up till the wee hours, not getting any sleep, and dropping me off or picking me up at the airport. he then invited me to one of his friends birthday/graduation party at a club in downtown LA saturday night.

do you understand what that means? i spent the entire weekend with the driver.

i was super nervous. i was looking forward to spending more time with him, but a whole weekend? i was anxious about staying at his place, meeting his friends, what to wear to the club, him getting sick of me over the course of 2 1/2 days... lol. basically i worked myself up quite a bit.

but it was amazing. really.

i headed out to his place late friday night where we preceded to make a grocery run for our beach trip. we woke up early saturday morning and headed straight to the beach so as not to miss out on the good waves. i spent the morning reading vonnegut on the beach while the driver caught some waves with his friends. we spent the afternoon picnicking and soaking up the rays. then we were headed to downtown LA to check-in to our hotel, get dinner, have a few drinks and get ready for the evening.

we eventually headed out to the club. and what i finally decided on wearing worked out perfect... long, perfectly fitted black pinstripe pants (i'm talking they really emphasized my curves... and ya'll know i have some curves! we will get to that later...), my kenneth cole heels, and a sheer cap-sleeve black turtleneck. yea, i wore a lot of black, but debra messing says that red-heads look good in black and who am i to disagree with that. heehee.

upon arriving at the club i realized two very interesting things. 1) this was apparently a lock & key party. and until this time i didn't really think this happened in real life, not too mention i was there on a date... can you say "awkward"? 2) i was the only white person in the bar. now i don't have a problem with this, not that it has ever happened to me before - the northern midwest isn't really the most diverse place, let alone filled with many "clubs." lol. it was just new for me. the driver was actually pretty impressed with how little it phased me, i think it bothered him more that every time he walked away from me there was a fella standing next to me trying to fit his key in my lock or commenting on how fine my ass is, especially for a white girl. lol. it got to the point where he just said to me "for all intensive purposes, tonight you are my girlfriend." so we spend the rest of the evening dancing and laughing.

until we got back to the hotel.

which leads me to my exciting news (oh yeah, we slept in sunday morning, ate dim sum in chinatown for lunch, and spent the afternoon talking and laughing... then i headed home where i decided to have a bit too much fun for a sunday night... i'll get to that later...).

i was offered a job back in the midwest! a good job. a great opportunity. in a great place.

approximately 2,400 miles from here.

and i couldn't be more excited and nervous and sad at the same time if i tried.

excited because i'll be moving back to the midwest... where i really feel like i fit, into a job with a lot of promise and opportunity. but i'll be leaving my job here... and yes, i won't have to deal with the ridiculousness, the politics, the never-ending hours, the madness. but i will also be leaving my students, my hard work, my new leaders, and i know that they still have work to do. and i know they can do it... i just hope that they keep up the hard work and the amazing progress even after i leave. i know all of their success isn't just because of me, but i just know that they are capable of great things, and i need to know there will be someone there to push them...

oh so bittersweet.

and i just met the driver. and not only to i adore him, but i have so much fun with him, i like to make him laugh, because we have these little things between us that mean so much... oh and he's gorgeous.

after getting back to the hotel saturday night... he made a comment to me while we were drunkenly discussing our "situation" (not the best time to discuss these kinds of things, i know) that really pulled my heart strings... "i want to hate you. i want to be angry with you. ... but i can't."

and he has a right to feel that way... but he's so understanding. he knows that this is a great opportunity that i can't pass up... but that leaves so little time for us. and he told me how much he enjoyed that he could be himself with me, that he likes that i accept and adore him for who he is.

so do we spend the next month enjoying each other's company? or do we stop now before we get in deeper and then i have to leave?

damn.

i'm supposed to be elated right now and all i can dwell on is leaving my students and not being able to see the driver anymore. oh, new adventures and the struggles involved...

so what do i do? i spend sunday night trying to forget my problems and get wasted with Charles Ingalls and the crew. lots of fun, no sleep, and i sure didn't think about anything of substance. oh the pun's i didn't intend... hahahaha!!!

guess who's b-back, back...

2009-06-05T15:05:00.000-07:00

yes, it's true... i'm back!

so sorry for my absence... may was a whirlwind of activity, work, travel, work, interviews, work, and oh yes, work.

here are a few random tidbits to help sum up my brief intermission (but actually they don't really sum it up much at all... :o)

the semester is over! woot! i will now be working somewhat normal hours... i'm talking maybe even closer to 40 hours a week people!!!
i'm going to miss some of my graduates... others, not so much, heehee.
senior dinner was amazing but i'm glad it's over. being in charge of an 1,100 person dinner is stressful!
the outerbanks, NC are amazing!
ACE and eddie's wedding was glorious and the mini RED DOT reunion was nice, too. :o)
my few days at the beach were blissful (for the most part...) and i met some wonderful people, worked on my freckles (in leiu of a tan... i AM a redhead), met some yummy fishermen, drank a couple or 12 spirited beverages, and read 4 novels... 4, now that's my kind of vacay!
above is the view from our three-story beach house equppied with 7 bathrooms, a pool, a hot tub, innumerable beds, and a short walk to the ocean!!!
had another interview (that involved flying half way across the country and then getting stuck in the airport for about 24 hours)
i adore the driver... seriously. and actually, i'll be spending the weekend with him, too. the beach, a night out, and an entire weekend of his gorgeousness... fun! (so maybe this whole online dating thing isn't so terrible???)
i spoke to my sister for the first time since thanksgiving yesterday... strange.
i missed you all... and my google reader is right around 500 unread items... so sorry if i haven't commented, i will be getting through them now that i will have a bit of down time.
expect big news coming from my corner of the interweb this monday!
oh and why did i drink so much last night? heehee...

oh and did i mention i missed you?!?!!!

xoxo,
calixta.jive.

mixed up time zones...

2009-05-19T22:53:00.000-07:00

so you've been wondering where i've been, let me fill you in...

if you haven't been wondering, you should have been, and if you don't care, then why are you reading this? heehee... i'm sassy today.

anywhooo... after my wonderful awards banquet last week, thursday was intense day of work. lots of things to get done before i flew out friday morning. not too mention, we had a program in which we rented a theater and had a midnight showing of angels & demons for the students. it was great! i even got the chance to have my second date with the driver. :o) i had a blast. he's gorgeous, smart, funny, and sweet... it's ridiculous.

the issue was we didn't get home from the program until after 2:30am and we had to be on the road to the airport at 4:30am. ugh. the driver made sure i made it in plenty of time, but we sure didn't get any sleep. that made for a rough day friday.

i flew into baltimore and after picking up a few of my other sisters we headed to HQ to work for the weekend. we stayed at the office until almost midnight on friday and because some of us sisters don't see each other anytime except these events throughout the year, we stayed up until the wee hours chatting and catching up. we started bright and early at 8am on saturday (yes, that's 5am socal time!) headed back to the office and we didn't leave until after 11pm, where i then went back to the hotel to finish up some of my regualr work via computer and free wireless, then we all headed out to crapplebees to fill up on appetizers and mucho-sized drinks (their mango-strawberry margarita is TASTY!). so then after a night of being up way too late again, we started at am and worked straight through until the time we need to be dropped off at the airport. you might be wondering the benefits of this intense weekend??? well, i love to volunteer and they fed us really really well! heehee.

now sunday i didn't fly back to socal. i actually flew to the midwest, arrived around 10pm and was picked up and driven to my hotel (which i didn't realize that the 45 minutes trip would not only take me through #23's town but directly past his road... i text him to say hi and after he said hi back and asked what i was doing in the area he never replied... oh well, i guess being friends is out of the question). i arrived at my hotel at around 11pm and then tried desperately to get some sleep... unfortunately i was much too nervous because...

monday i had an interview! it started at 8am and went all throughout the day. i was driven back to the hotel around 7:30pm... can you say long day!!! the interview went really well and i think it would be an extremely good fit for me... i guess i'll just have to wait and see what happens. fingers crossed. that's a whole other topic... you all know i don't much like socal, but i am going to have a hard time leaving my students... ugh.

so i was up and at the airport by 5:30am (yes, 3:30am socal time!)... and when i got back to my apartment around 1pm, i changed quick and then headed back into work...

and that takes me to now. not quite sure what time it is, or isn't or is supposed to be, or what i feel like it is... and i know i need sleep because the rest of this week/weekend are going to be just as intense as the past weekend... but i'm all a jumbled mess right now!

some of my favorite highlights:

getting to spend time with the driver.
seeing my sisters and laughing, a lot!
interviewing for a great job back in the midwest.
running into people in the elevator.
wearing a big bow.
being in the midwest.
good text messages.
making the driver "feel weird", lol.
wishing i had a lion.
realizing i have a lot to offer professionally.
eating way too much!
heading back to work and realizing how much people missed me...

my heart is all swelled up...

2009-05-13T22:12:00.000-07:00

tonight was my big awards banquet.

i've been planning it for weeks and weeks. i've completely reworked the awards and the application process and the event. it stressed me out. it drove me crazy.

but it was so worth it.

to see all of the individuals and chapters being recognized for all of their hard work. to honor all of the advisors and leaders that dedicate so much of their time and effort to the fraternal movement. to be in a room full of my students talking, laughing, and sharing in each others accomplishments.

it was worth it.

my keynote went great. i spoke about fraternal relevance and not only managed to get a few oohs and ahhs but even a few laughs.

and the best part...

my students surprised me at the end of the night with an award to honor me. they showered me with love and even got me gorgeous flowers. sweet smelling star-gazers lilies to be exact.

i cried.

i am so lucky to be able to do what i do.

if today was not an endless highway...

2009-05-11T23:43:00.000-07:00

if tonight was not a crooked trail
if tomorrow wasn't such a long time
then lonesome would mean nothing to me at all

yes, and only if my own true love was waiting
if i could hear his heart softly pounding
yes, and only if he was lying by me
would i lie in my bed once again

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

so as i have mentioned earlier, i have been trying out the whole online dating thing. besides the fact that any and all men in my life live in another state, which makes the whole commitment thing a bit difficult, i seem to be running short in the friend department these days. so... i put myself out there. i figured that even if i don't find my soul mate (even if i end up with mr. west) i could meet some new friends.

this has been my experience so far:

lots of creepy messages from even creepier fellas (including married men)
lots of really weaksauce attempts at witty/intelligent e-mails
a fair share of x-rated messages from fellas i've never communicated with previously
lots of lamesauce messages from fellas who clearly didn't ever even glance at my profile, just looked at my photos
and a handful of interesting fellas

among those interesting fellas, here is a rundown of the most interesting:

the soccer player - who i decided to have dinner with and then realized after meeting him in person that he is gay. and i'm not trying to be rude here people, this fella is gay... he just hasn't admitted it to himself yet.
the dude - who i had a few beers with but then realized that all he does is drink beer and talk about philosophy and theory.
the professor - he teaches religious studies and when we met for lunch he didn't wait for me to get there to be seated (i had to search the restaurant for him) and even though he asked me to lunch, i paid. yes, you read that right. check came, he just sat there. i pulled out my wallet (thinking to myself that he would, too and we would at least go dutch) and he continued to just sit there. seriously. that's class.
texas - who lives approximately 1300 miles away but we just so happen to get along great (of course he lives in another state, why wouldn't he? lol) but he scares me a bit when he talks about visiting.

and the best:

the driver - he's interesting, never fails to make me laugh, we have a lot in common (but not too much), his smile could make ANYONE smile, he's intelligent, random, my age (strange, right?) completely gorgeous... i mean devastatingly handsome people (makes me wonder why he's single???), and we connected by quoting on of my fave movies... heehee.

we finally met in person last night and it was wonderful. it may have been one of the best dates i've ever been on. no, wait. it was one of the best dates (not that i've been on many "dates", i tend to have the "let's hang out" kind of scenario more often... anyone have that issue?), hands down. i was nervous, i changed 4 times, i actually did something with my hair, and did i mention i was nervous? but it was so good... we had dinner, talked, laughed, talked, saw a movie.

and then after he dropped me off and walked me to the door he kissed me. and ladies... i felt the tingle. the spark. i felt all wiggly inside and i'm not going to lie... if he had kissed me any more my thighs would have started to itch... it was glorious.

and he text me before he had even made it home to thank me for the evening, let me know how much fun he had, and how he couldn't wait to see me again.

and i spent my 15 hour work day today with a shit-eating grin on my face... all day. :o)

happy mother's night...

2009-05-09T23:58:00.000-07:00

hahahaha!

i love JT on SNL - this is hilarious...

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

FREE chocolate...

2009-05-08T15:28:00.000-07:00

yes, i said FREE* chocolate!!!

sign up at the Mars Real Chocolate Relief Act every friday until september and you could win coupons for FREE* chocolate... i did!

from their website:

what is real chocolate relief?

Times are tough and we at Mars want to help. How, you ask? Every Friday through September, Mars will give away FREE* real chocolate to 250,000 people. That means you can enjoy your favorite Mars candy brands—M&M'S®, SNICKERS®, TWIX®, 3 MUSKETEERS®, MILKY WAY® and DOVE®— for free*!

what is real chocolate?

U.S. Standards of Identity are government regulations that define which ingredients may be used to make a food product in order to be allowed to call it by a certain name. For chocolate, the Standards of Identity require that cocoa butter be the only source of fat (except for milk fat). There are several other requirements too, such as a specific amount of chocolate liquor, use of flavorings and sugar substitutes.

* limit: 250,000 Coupons per Friday (9:00:00AM ET to 11:59:59PM ET)

on a pizza?...

2009-05-05T22:49:00.000-07:00

you know what's yummy?

pizza with cream cheese, pesto, angel hair pasta, pepperoni, sausage, cashews, green onions, and jack cheese.

they call it the "brando." i call it perfection.

oh... so... yummy.

fave film characters...

2009-05-04T23:14:00.000-07:00

i've been tagged by my BBF Nickie over at Learn to Fly =) to do a meme about my top 10 favorite film characters and tell you why they made my list. now people, this is going to be TOUGH (only 10?!) but i'll give it a whirl...

Samantha Baker (Molly Ringwald) - Sixteen Candles
she's got to be one of my all-time favorites! not only to i love love this movie, but when i was younger i wanted to BE molly ringwald. and who doesn't have a crush on Jake Ryan?!?!

Ben Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) - The Graduate
this is a classic, seriously. dustin hoffman is absolutely amazing in this film, especially since it was his first film!

Bridget Jones (Rene Zellweger) - Bridget Jones's Diary & Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason
i have one good reason for this pick: bridget jones is ME. heehee... oh how i can relate.

Mikey Walsh (Sean Astin) - The GOONIES
who doesn't love the goonies??? this is one of my all-time favorites! i have it on VHS and DVD and even taped off of TV! and seriously, sean astin is so freakin' adorable in this movie. "it's our time, it's our time... down here!"

Billy Costigan (Leonardo DiCaprio) - The Departed
mmm, leo is so damn hot in this movie. i've seen it at least 12 times and it never gets old. great story (yay martin scorcese!), wonderful cast (how cool is mark walhberg and jack nicholas?) and leo is not just hot, he's amazing in this flick!

Matt Buckner (Elijah Wood) - Green Street Hooligans
if you haven't seen it, you should. who would have thought that frodo baggins could be a BAD ASS??? well, it's not only funny, but it has depth and even a few tears... not to mention hard core fighting scenes! elijah is a great actor and i think this role is underrated.

Connor McManus (Sean Patrick Flannery) & Murphy McManus (Norman Reedus) - The Boondock Saints
yes, i kinda cheated putting them both in there (but hey, at least i cut it down to 10ish, i originally had 16!) this move is epic (yes, i'm nervous for the sequel... let's not fuck up a good thing, fingers crossed) and the McManus brothers are not only gorgeous (i have to admit connor is my fave! yum.) but they are just perfect in this film.

Creasy (Denzel Washinton) - Man on Fire
people, it's denzel. and the story is heart-wrenching . he's flawed, troubled, and yet somehow perfect. i cry every time i see it...

Josh Baskin (Tom Hanks) - Big
don't you just love tom hanks?!?! i do! this is another of my all-time faves. and when i was younger i wanted to be just like josh baskin when i grew up, haha!

Vivian Ward (Julia Roberts) - Pretty Woman
i'm not going to lie, i sort of want to be julia roberts. i even have the unruly vivian hair... lol. what's funny is that when i first saw the movie i had no idea what she did for a living, i didn't really get it at all. but now, i know its sort of an unreal, raunchy, stereotypical, fairytale type story... but i just love the idea of the fairytale and the happy ending. don't you? and julia is just so wonderful!

and that's my list! at least the 10 i decided on for today. hope you enjoy.

anyone else want to take a whirl? feel free!!!

oh how the sun hates me...

2009-05-03T21:47:00.000-07:00

i had a glorious day off today (which doesn't happen often) so i decided to hit up the beach.

it was wonderful, great weather, nice breeze, yummy picnic lunch, a good book... and of course the best people watching ever... venice beach is seriously one of the best places in the world to people watch! i love it!

the trouble started when i was walking through the people and checking out all of the street vendors. the backs of my legs felt funny. i looked back and realized i was pink. really pink. i didn't think too much of it because i had used sunblock and had asked my friends to let me know if i was getting red.

then the car ride back inland... ouchie. sitting down hurt. and i was cold... but burning all at the same time.

then i get home, walk into the bathroom and pull off my tank top and board shorts and untie my bikini...

i'm a lobster. a lobster with freckles and a white halter top bikini. seriously. you can see the outline of my new suit perfectly. it doesn't hurt too bad, but the back of me knees are oh so tender and trying to sleep is going to be fun... and i kinda feel nauseous. ugh.

seriously people, when you are a redhead and run out of spf45... spf 25 just doesn't cut it.

the sun hates me. (but i do have 8,347 new freckles...)

extravaganza...

2009-04-30T23:55:00.000-07:00

so at the university where i work we have fall semester, spring semester, and then may term. this whole thing was new to me upon my arrival here. i had done fall semester and spring semester (and summer sessions if you so chose) in undergrad. and fall semester, january term (j-term), and spring semester (and summer sessions if you so chose) in grad school. but never may term.

now let me expand upon may term... it is a month long session in which students generally only take one class, sometimes they are study abroad classes where students have a chance to visit wonderfully great places like buddhist monasteries and rainforests - but for only 4 weeks. the other students have the opportunity to take some make-up classes, etc. but the majority of students take calsses such as: wine tasting, beer-making, the chemistry of art (where they learn to make crayons), life, religion & the simpsons, etc. that meet for 2-3 hours 3-4 times a week... i kid you not.

sounds great, right?

well, may term is also fondly referred to as "play term" and frequently described as "a keg a day in may" or "every day in may" (yes, that is referring to drinking). so basically it is a nightmare for administration... particularly my department. it's tough to program for students when their hardest decisions during may tend to be whether to go to the pool, get a drink, lay out on the quad, or get a drink, go to a party, or get a drink...

anyway, to make a long story less long... a couple of the organizations that i advise, along with my department, sponsored the DIVE-IN MOVIE POOL PARTY EXTRAVAGANZA last night and it was a HUGE success. we had a giant BBQ, tons of pool games (belly-flop contests, t-shirt relays, water balloon tosses, etc.), great prizes and we showed JAWS!!! at the pool!!!

so what was i doing at work until 11pm after i finished my regular business for the day? i was flipping burgers and judging belly-flops...

now that is what i call "play term"!

simple, part 2...

2009-04-29T23:45:00.000-07:00

so does everyone remember The Man?

well... how's this for a perfect text message?

"i'm painting right now, thinkin about you. thinking about how simple things, simple lines can be so beautiful when they've got just the right curves. we're forced into such a simple relationship as is but it's so beautiful. every word i read of yours fills me with life."

mmhmmmm...

steak sauce...

2009-04-28T23:27:00.000-07:00

"marshall, i should feel tremors of psych-itude rock my body like a seizure. that was like a declawed, pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly on a lazy sunday afternoon."

~barney stinson, how i met your mother.

because the only way i feel sane after working all of these 14 hour days lately is coming home and putting on one of the HIMYM dvds i just got in from netflix while i catch up on my blog reader and remind my cats that i really do still live here...

and because barney is hilarious!

(and yes, i know i should be going to bed to catch up on my much needed sleep but for some reason... i just can't catch any good shut-eye lately...)

brief thoughts...

2009-04-28T00:35:00.001-07:00

yes, it is 12:35 am and i am just getting home from work. yes i went to work at 9 am.

ugh.

i just had a few thoughts i need to get out there:

swine flu? seriously?
would i rather have a student meeting of 60 people that is angry, fighting, and stressful or laughing, off-topic, and basically a silly mess? i pick B.
i mastered my maple buttercream frosting... yum.
it was my ma's birthday today... happy birthday!!! (not that she reads this...)
i'm confused... but happy.
i wish i could move a few cities of my choosing next to each other.
what's with all of this plagiarism? if you don't have anything good (whatever that may be) to write just be emo post some song lyrics about how you feel and give credit to the band... like i do.
i'm frustrated (which equates to hurt in my world) by some of my "friends" these days.
i miss my family.
i think my cats may be crazy... and i think they get that from me.
paying $6 for a pint of beer makes me very very sad.
how about that nfl draft?

and that is all my mind can come up with tonight... more tomorrow. or later today rather.

night!

spit that game, v.3...

2009-04-24T16:19:00.000-07:00

once again, it is that time...

if you missed the introduction to "SPIT THAT GAME ", let me fill you in...

because i love hip-hop and because i'm "down" (i mean really, who doesn't need a tip drill?) (not too mention i have the ass to prove it, lol, that is a topic for another post...), i feel that it is my duty to share with you a random sampling of a few of my all time favorite lines. now some of these lines have specific memories associated with them, some are just so true it is pure genius, and some just crack my shit up!!!

the story for this volume - more proof that "i'm down" :

i just got my great new bag from be smart, be green thanks to ...love Maegan and here it is! lol. (thanks so much Maegan!)
i currently have 114 songs by and/or featuring ludacris on my iTunes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

to help me get through the last of this friday work day, i bring you... VOLUME 3!!!

"i know your heart is weathered by what studs did to you, i ain't gon' assault em, 'cause i probably did it too.
because of you, feelings i handle with care, some niggaz recognize the light, but they can't handle the glare.
you know i ain't the type to walk around with matchin' shirts, if relationship is effort, i will match your work." - common (oh common, you are so enlightened...)

"i don't got the bright watch, i got the right watch.
i don't buy out the bar, i bought the night spot." - jay z (jay z really is the man.)

"so you up and comin' rappers wanna dis, just kill it.
i'm officially the realest. point, blank, period." - t.i. (that shit is for real... point, blank, period.)

"hell yeah ma, i love a girl that's willin' to learn. willin' to get in the driver's seat and willin' to turn. and not concerned about that he say, she say, did he say what I think he said? squash that, he probably got that off ebay or some, internet access some, website chat line. mad cause i got mine, oh don't wind up on the flat line..." - nelly (you know what? I. AM. #1!)

"girl you get me aroused how you look in my eye,
but you talk to much, man your ruinin' my high." - fat joe (i hate it when bitches ruin my high... ahahaaha!)

"they shootin'!... aw made you look,
you a slave to a page in my rhyme book." - nas (admit it, ya'll looked, didn't ya?)

"i love you like a fat kid loves cake." - 50 cent (this is classic. seriously.)

"fuck you! fuck you! i'm screwed up.
i feel better than i've ever felt before, ah!
intoxicated but maintaining self-control, ah!" - ludacris (always a perfect opening to a great night... and words i like to live by.)

'you just popped in the "Kanye West Get Right for the Summer" workout tape and ladies if you follow these instructions exactly you might bear to pull you a rapper, a NBA player, man, at least a dude wit' a car...
so first of all we gon' work on the stomach, nobody wants a little tight ass! 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and get them sit ups right and tuck your tummy tight and do your crunches like this. give head, stop breathe, get up, check your weave.' - kanye west (hey wat's up girrrrrrl?! ...i'm the bootleg queeeeeen, i'll give it to you for $FREE.99! aahhahahhaha! thank you kanye!... love it!!!)

hope you enjoyed!!!

everyone, meet mr. west (part 3)...

2009-04-23T21:08:00.000-07:00

(now i warned you all at the beginning that this was looooooooonnnng... sorry.)

so there i was sitting in my office on friday afternoon, all by myself. no, really. i was all. by. myself. it seems that with finals upon us and may term ahead of us everyone in the department peaced out friday afternoon. i had been going back and forth all day about whether or not i should/would/could take the trip to AZ. literally ALL day. i had woken up somewhere around 6am after a wee 3ish hours of sleep. or something that sort of resembled sleep anyway, and i laid in bed thinking to myself... "yes, i'm going." "nah, i shouldn't go." "but yeah, i'm gonna go." "no, i can't go."

i text mr. west and he said that he was cleaning their condo (aka bathroom!) so that it would be decent for a lady to stay in and he had already made plans for the entire day saturday.

my mind was still going back and forth. and for lots of reasons, not just the last minute trip (which i normally prepare for mentally days in advance... like what to pack!!!) or staying awake on the long drive, but also, what was going to happen between us? and what did i want to happen?

i proceeded to do this throughout the entire day until finally i realized that no one else was working, why should i be? and what the hell else and i going to do this weekend? sure i could have caught up on my life and done the 73 loads of laundry i have, or any of those other mundane things responsible adults should do, but who wants to be a responsible adult? i sure don't.

so i left work early (not that anyone noticed) and headed home to finally get something to eat, take a shower, and pack my bag. i text mr. west that i was on my way and with that i was out the door with a rockstar in my hand, sunglasses on my face and a load of cd's under my arm.

and after approximately 5 hours, at around 10pm, i made it to AZ and pulled up outside of mr. west's condo.

he was just pulling up behind me after running to the gas station and i felt butterflies in my stomach at the thought of seeing him in person and having him see me. he got out of his car and looked just as gorgeous as ever. (its really hard to describe but he just has this way about him... this confident but not cocky, familiar but yet not, perfect with so many imperfections) and the first thing he says to me - one of the best possible compliments that you could ever hope to get from him - he compared how good he thought that i looked to halle berry. now let me just explain that one just a bit... no, i do not look anything like halle berry. but to him, she is the most perfectly gorgeous woman on the planet and he's even said he would drink her bath water. soooo... being compared to her by him - epic.

just being able to walk up to him and have him wrap his arms around me again... definitely worth the trip.

so we hugged, he told me how much he liked my whip, we talked, he complimented me again, we hugged again, and he showed me around his place. then we made a late night trip to the store to get a few things. it was funny for me because he kept asking me if i needed anything, want to buy something for me. it's not that he was trying to impress me, or show off, i think it made him feel good that he can do that now. when we were "together" in undergrad he was working 3 jobs to make it through school and i was working 50 hours a week, on top of my full course load, just to pay the bills. come to think of it... i'm not quite sure how either one of use survived and even had time to study and get the amazing grades we did - let alone spend time with each other.

the best part of the night was laying down next to him though. just being able to lay down knowing he was right there next to me, to hear him breathing, to be able to tangle my arms and legs over him, to be able to take a deep breath and just exhale and relax. it was so nice. and being able to just turn my head and kiss him wasn't bad either. ;o) he did then ask me where the ring was (because i wasn't wearing it). i told him it was in my jewelery case in my luggage. he wondered why it was in my luggage and i told him honestly that i don't wear it all the time. and all he said was as long as you still have it... we'll talk about that later (reference number one to the "issue" at hand...)

now i'm sure you don't want to hear every single detail of our weekend together so i'll try to summarize and only emphasis the important parts...

now mr. west loves to sleep in - on the rare occasion that he gets the opportunity. but you all know me. i don't sleep. i just can't seem to get a good nights sleep more than a few times every few weeks. and i definitely don't sleep in. i was prepared and had brought my old copy of "slaughterhouse five" to keep me entertained but mr . west had other ideas. when he woke up in the morning and looked over and saw me reading - instead of rolling over and going back to sleep - he got up, put on his clothes and drove me to starbucks (since they didn't have food in the house for breakfast or have any coffee, they didn't even have a coffee maker!!! bachelors, lol.) we then made our way to barnes & noble because we both agree that it's one of the best stores in existence.

after perusing the shelves, we made our way back home so we could get ready for the day. we went sightseeing and shopping, out for happy hour with one of our friends from undergrad, ry (one of his fraternity brothers) and then headed back home to change and pick up one of the roomies for our dinner and a night out on the town.

and while i was getting ready, ry was surfing the interwebs, and mr. west was obsessively ironing his shirt for the evening, we had a nice time reminiscing about some of the hi-jinks we had gotten ourselves into in the "good ol' days". it was fun to think about all those good times and interesting to hear the guys tell their version of some of the stories. i picked up on a lot of references to me by both rymr. west that made me realize i was more a part of their life than i thought. i always considered them good friends of mine, and i always wanted to be in mr. west's life, but for some reason i didn't really think that they thought of me the same way. (low self-esteem much? you betcha!)

i had been nervous all day about going out. i wanted to make sure that i looked my best, that i was wearing something mr. west liked, that i wasn't over or under dressed. hey, it was the first time going out with them in years and my first time going out in AZ,i'm a girl, gimme a break people!

it was nice when i walked out of the bathroom and mr. west looks at me and the first thing he says is "girl, you look good."

we made our way to this great pub for dinner and then out down on mill st. which is apparently, the place to be. we went from bar to club to bar. drinking, dancing, drinking, and having a blast. it was nice to be out at some "real" clubs and bar. and with 3 gorgeous men no less! they were really sweet, too. my hand was never without a drink, if any of them went to the bathroom or the bar the others stayed right next to me the entire time, and on the dance floor no other guy got within feet of me... which was an accomplishment at some of the clubs that were just packed with people! lol.

now throughout the weekend mr. west had made numerous comments about how i looked and how much weight i had lost since he had last seen me. now i have lost some weight since being in california but by no means do i weigh what i did when i was a freshman in college (who does? lol). he kept saying that he had to fatten me up - although he did make sure to comment on the fact that i still had the ass. which i do! now i tell you this because as we were making our way back to the car after stopping at just one last club i was walking a little way ahead of the fellas and drunkenly dancing around the square holding my little black shirt up so that the nice breeze would cool me down a little - it gets hot and sweaty when you are dancing up a storm! anyway, the guys were all talking about some unfortunate chicky that should not have been dancing on the pole in the last club, when mr. west stops and looks up at me dancing around in front of them with my shirt half off trying to cool down and says "girl, there is just no way you are not going to be mrs. west." and then continues talking to the fellas, slyly dropping a comment about how unbelievable it is that i could have abs like that with an ass like mine. leaving me to stare drunkenly after them in awe (only the second reference to the "issues" at hand all weekend...).

we made it home and after a shower or two, we made it into bed (and i'm only sharing this part because of the conversation that was had so get your minds out of the gutter, this isn't going to be a play by play!!!lol.) after he gave me one of his perfect kisses he says to me "so if i asked you, what would you say?"

out of the blue. no working up to it, no preface, no introduction.

and i didn't know what to say. partly because i didn't want him to ask me right then and partly because i did. the sane part of me knows full well that we actually need to give the "relationship" thing a shot before we start talking about planning the honeymoon but there is definitely a large percentage of me that is NOT the "sane" part of me.

so my reply...

ME: "you know that i love you."
MR. WEST: "so that 's a no?"
ME: "no, not at all, its just... that..."
MR. WEST: "i'm not saying that i am going to ask you right now... but when i do..."
ME: "we'll just have to see what happens..."
MR. WEST: "when i do the ring is going to be platinum and gorgeous, just like you..."
ME: "you know i don't care about that."
MR. WEST: "i know you don't. you are probably the only woman that doesn't. but you should."
ME: "it's not about that."
MR. WEST: "but you deserve it. i'm going to get myself settled, i'm going to make some millions, then i'm going to give jacob the jeweler a call... you won't be able to say no."
ME: laughing "you let me know when you get all that taken care of... i'll be here."
MR. WEST: "so if i asked you, what would you say?"
ME: "i love you."
MR. WEST: "i love you, too."

and sunday was just as wonderful. he got mad at me for letting him sleep and not waking him up to go get me coffee... but seeing as it was his day off and i was on "vacation" and we hadn't gone to sleep until after 4am, i talked him out of being angry with me. ;o)

we spent the day chilling out, sightseeing some more, and having the best lunch. it was a wonderful day. way too hot, but wonderful. we talked a little bit about the future, but nothing like he had brought up the night before (he doesn't talk about emotions like that very often). he did talk about his move back to themidwest and how happy he was about it. he also tried to talk me into finding a job close to his hometown. which isn't out of the question, not that i am going to plan my life around him just yet. he also talked about how i have to gain some weight if i want to make a good impression on his mama, lol. oh and how i have to change my mind about not wanting any kids, because i have to have kids to pass on the "west" name, not too mention our little mixed babies would be GORGEOUS. which they totally would be!!! :o) the deal we made is that after he makes his first million, i will seriously reconsider - and then ultimately have - the first (of many) little gorgeous babies. lol.

as i packed up to leave late sunday evening i was torn between being sad about leaving and being happy knowing how much i mean to him. it was hard to say goodbye to him again.

but i left knowing that whatever happens between us, he'll always hold a very special place in my heart. always. and i apparently hold a special place in his heart as well.

and 5 hours later, when i called him to let him know that i made it home alright, he still made me nervous - in a good way.

we've only talked a few brief times since the weekend. but the one thing he always says - "i miss you." and that makes me heart swell up.

i really don't know what will happen between us... maybe it was meant to be and the pieces just haven't fallen into place quite right just yet. maybe we will never end up being in the same place at the same time. maybe i'll always keep my heart unavailable and he will never decide to open up. but no matter what... i hope he knows just how absolutely wonderful he is and how important he is/was and always will be to me.

oh so many thoughts going on in my head...

(and yes, i do still have the ring.)

i am a gladiator in the colisuem of thrill...

2009-04-22T18:13:00.000-07:00

now get this, my university often plans trips for students to get out and about, camping trips, trips to the beach, trips to museums, trips to shows and plays, etc. the latest trip - a trip to six flags magic mountain! so who volunteered when they needed an administrator to drive one of the vans??? oooh, ooh, me, pick me, ME!

needless to say, yesterday i spent 7 1/2 hours at six flags and managed to not only ride every rollercoaster in the park but i totaled 27 rollercoaster rides!

27!!!!!!

i had the time of my life - even though i was covered in spf 45, walked what felt like 92.3 miles, drank gallons of water until i sloshed when i moved, and sweat like a man - a very sweaty man.

the park was dead so we had free reign of almost all the rides... i rode goliath 5 times in a row! and when i say that i mean, i didn't even get out of my seat 5 TIMES IN A ROW! it was epic. seriously. and my kids were so cute... on the way there they were excitedly planning their attack, judging which rides were the best and asking me when we'd get there. on the way home i stopped to get them some food at in-n-out and 15 minutes later i looked back and they were ALL asleep. it was a great day! (i still think that X2 is my fave though!!! you can't really beat a ride that plays such a great soundtrack and has flames shoot out at you!!! tatsun comes in second because it is so rad and scares the crap outta me!!!)

with that, you can all guess that i am not only even more of a freckled mess, but absolutely exhausted. lol. so you will have to wait for tomorrow for part 3 of the mr. west saga...

sorry!

everyone, meet mr. west (part 2)...

2009-04-21T15:21:00.000-07:00

(enjoy part 2 of the mr. west saga... while i am on a field trip to magic mountain with a crew of my students!)

so there we were... mr. west and i entangled in a "relationship" that was still never defined, but oddly lasting over time and distance...

mr. west flew from AZ to see me (about 2 years ago exactly) while i was finishing up grad school and things were great, seeing him again was just like old times (well maybe not entirely like old times... we had grown up quite a bit, but damn was he still handsome, lol.) but i have to admit, i was distracted trying to wrap up school, my upcoming comps, teaching, and being consumed with my assistantship. so i didn't really know what i was in for.

now keep in mind, he's always joked that we were going to get married some day, that i was going to be his baby's mama, that his family was going to love me. we even made the "my best friend's wedding" deal with each other, but never really specified an age. we've even talked about whether or not my family would approve of him, he knows that he really needs to be on my ma's good side ( just like i have to get his mama's approval) and i always reassured him that she would adore him as long as he was good to me. my father being another story. but we've come a long way on that front... hell, i even got him to vote for Obama! but we've ALWAYS joked about that sort of thing. he tells me how gorgeous our babies would be (which they would be, lol.), and how he is going to take care of me, and wonders how he is going to but up with me (when he knows he really has to worry about how i'm going to put up with him)... it's what we do.

anyway... i digress. not all that long after he visited me when i was in grad school he sent me a package. in the package, a ring box and a note. in the box, a very lovely (but definitely not ME, i don't wear gold - unless its white gold, and i like simple, retro... wondering does he even know me???) ring. very lovely and very clearly an engagement ring. now why would someone send an engagement ring to someone in the mail you might ask? i wondered the same thing. now why would someone send an engagement ring to someone they've never "really" dated and weren't currently dating you might ask? i wondered the same thing. now what in the world did the note say you might ask?

"i love ya, mr. west."

yes, it said "ya". ladies... do you know what that means? oh yes, so do i. fellas... do YOU know what that means? i sure as hell hope so.

and that was it. that was the package. that was the ring. and that was the note.

our next phone conversation:

MR. WEST: "did you get the ring?"
ME: "yes."
MR. WEST: "good."

and that was it! he never asked anything more about it. i never asked more about it. (why you ask? well i was afraid. i didn't want him to ask because i knew i had to say no and i was sure that if he asked me then he would never ask me again when i would be ready to say yes.) my friends were shocked that i didn't send it back. (i do still have it. to be completely honest with you all, i even wear it sometimes). but i couldn't send it back, not unless he asked me to. that would have been one hell of a blow to his ego and it would have closed doors that i didn't want closed.

so almost 2 years later, we are still in touch, we are both still single, and i've been thinking about him so much lately. he's been talking about wanting to come and see me, but considering i was in the state and not working for somewhere around 15 seconds of the last semester it just hasn't worked out. he finally made plans to fly out this next weekend but then i find out this past thursday that he can't make it. he put in his papers to be transferred back to the midwest (closer to his home, his family, and out of the AZ heat) and so he had to meet with the district managers, etc, etc. i had been so excited to see him... and disappointment is just not handled well on my part. ya'll remember the trip #23 was supposed to make? yeah, so needless to say i was devastated. part of the reason i went out and drowned my sorrows thursday night. i was in a very down mood and this just tipped the scales.

so apparently mr. west and i had a very drunken (on my part) conversation late thursday night and talked about how he had saturday and sunday off and i may or may not have mentioned coming to see him. so in my exhausted, depressed, stressed state on friday afternoon i decided that while a 5 hour car ride was a bitch, i only live once and i just needed to see mr. west before i live the rest of my one life always wondering what if...

and that sets the stage for my impromptu trip to AZ... stay tuned.

on a very personal sidenote: have you noticed a pattern here? i let these fellas get close but just not too close... damn. i guess that is why people make comments about me having fellas all over the place... hmmm. it's easier for me to excited about someone that lives across the country, or is completely unavailable, because i'm not at such a risk of having to let them in... think about it - mr. west, the ranger, The Man, #23, "rob lowe", the dr. - all of them... i bring it all on myself...

everyone, meet mr. west (part 1)...

2009-04-20T20:40:00.000-07:00

(i'm sorry this ended up being SO long!!!)

so i think i have some explaining to do. or maybe a LOT...

with that, i'd like you all to meet mr. west. we met in undergrad. we officially "met" my junior year (he was a sophomore, but we are the same age - what? i'm a smarty pants, sorry. and yes, it's strange he's my age, lol.) i knew who he was before that. i think most people did. lol. he's hard to miss. he's gorgeous (like kanye west gorgeous - hence the name). smart. driven. but he's cocky and extremely moody. not too mention he is a mama's boy. lol.

like i said, i knew who he was before we actually met but we eventually ended up running with some of the same crowd - his fraternity and my sorority were pretty close. and i happened to be in most of the same classes as his roommate.

i suppose we officially met at one of our fraternity/sorority mixers (ahhh, memories...) but i was seeing someone at the time and he was somewhere in the middle of having very intense drama with his soon to be ex-girlfriend. we both had our fair share of relationship issues during undergrad. i consumed with "the one" and he was going through something very similar with his gf at the time. i guess we "dated" off and on over the course of the next few years. sometimes more than others. we were never a "couple" even though i wanted to be. i was never willing to push him (hell even nudge him) because i knew that he was having a hard time getting over his ex and i understood that. also, i was never really sure of his feelings towards me. he isn't easy to read and he definitely doesn't take sharing his feelings lightly. apparently he felt a lot more towards me than i realized... but i'm only finding that out now.

he intimidates me. and i don't really mean that in a bad way, but he does. being with him wasn't like it was with other guys. i wasn't always "comfortable". basically the opposite of how i felt with the ranger, both good, but very different (and yes... the ranger is one of his fraternity brothers, lol.) does that make sense? i always wanted him to be happy, i was always wondering what he was thinking, i was always hoping that i was good enough for him, i always wanted to make him happy. and i don't mean any of those things in a bad way. i felt those things because of how important he was to me. if i didn't care about him, i wouldn't have worried about it. i would have been "comfortable" doing whatever i wanted and not worrying about if it made him happy or not and i wanted to be the best version of myself not just to make him happy, but because i was happier that way, too.

but i never really let him know how i felt.

we've had a lot of really great times together. some of my favorite memories. both the good ones and the not so good ones.

i think we were both scared of getting hurt again. and our "relationship" was never really defined and i had myself convinced that he didn't feel the same way about me that i felt about him.

fast forward a bit and i graduate college while he is still finishing classes. i end up moving but i still visit him off and on... in the meantime, i was going through a phase trying to get over "the one" and adjust to life outside of the college bubble. if you've ever seen "down with love" you'll understand what i mean when i say that i was "dating like a guy". i told myself that i didn't care if they cared about me because i never left them get close enough to hurt me. if i felt like they were getting attached... i cut them out of my life. and there were plenty of fellas around that appreciated that i didn't want anything from them emotionally. were they using me? sure. but i used them right back. and at the time i thought it was making me happy. i know better now, but you know what? i wouldn't change it. i needed that time in my life. i needed it to better understand who i am now. i needed it to make sense of what was going on with me. i needed it to be able to get the affection that i wasn't getting anywhere else, even if it was trivial. (and yes, i wasn't getting it from my family either... but that's another story).

you can judge me for the things that i've done, or the way i've lived my life but you'll never really understand unless you are me. so go on and make your assumptions, but i don't want to hear it. so save it.

meanwhile, mr. west and i stayed in touch but we might've hit a bit of a rough patch when one of the times i returned to see him i ended up chilling with one of fraternity brothers. WAIT! before you jump to hating on me, understand this: i REALLY had no idea that mr. west felt ANYTHING of ANY significance for me. i was convinced that i was just another girl in his back pocket and if you knew the situation you would probably agree. honestly, i'm not even finding out how he felt about me then (i'm talking over 4 years ago people!) until now, and that took talking to some of our other friends.

well, things worked out after an extremely intense evening of people climbing on roofs, cops being called, and me calling in a tip and driving the get-away blazer... haha, long story. but we still went our separate ways. i was living in a different state and planning my move to grad school and then he up and moved to AZ with a couple of his fraternity brothers...

to be continued...

2.0 hours of sleep, v.6...

2009-04-17T12:48:00.000-07:00

i drowned my sorrows in liquor last night... and then bawled my eyes out.

it was fun (in a real - i'm pathetic and even alcohol can't cure these blues - kinda way).

and now i am randomly driving to AZ to see mr. west.

yes, the same mr. west that may or may not have sent me a ring* in the mail.

* yes, THAT type of ring.

i don't believe in magic anymore...

2009-04-16T16:32:00.000-07:00

i don't know what's wrong with me but you could say anything to me today and here is exactly what my reaction would be:

burst into tears.

yes, that's super. and maybe i have a little idea of what it's about but... girl, get a hold of yourself! it's not even 5 pm and i've burst into tears 5 separate times today.

that's. just. great.

so besides the fact that i've actually started to try out the online dating scene, the ranger is now "in a relationship", and my job makes me feel terrible about myself... L is too busy with her boyfriend to make time for me and The Dr. doesn't need another complication (in the form of me) in his life, which basically equates to my two closest friends here in SoCal aren't really in my life. so i work, work some more, work, and then work. and that is the entirety of my existence these days.

its fun.

wow, i'm just a barrel of depressing sarcasm today.

i've also had this overwhelming feeling that i'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.

yes yes, except for my cats. oh that makes me feel better.

i'm am steady and unstable...

2009-04-15T23:10:00.000-07:00

because this is exactly how i DON'T fee at the moment, but wish i did...

if i live to be a hundred
and never see the seven wonders
that'll be alright
if ii don't make it to the big leagues
if i never win a Grammy
i'm gonna be just fine
'cause i know exactly who i am

i am rosemary's granddaughter
the spitting image of my father
and when the day is done
my momma's still my biggest fan
sometimes i'm clueless and i'm clumsy
but i've got friends who love me
and they know just where i stand
it's all a part of me
and that's who i am

so when i make big mistake
when i fall flat on my face
i know i'll be alright
Should my tender heart be broken
i will cry those teardrops knowin'
i will be just fine
'cause nothin' changes who i am

i am rosemary's granddaughter
the spitting image of my father
and when the day is done
my momma's still my biggest fan
sometimes i'm clueless and i'm clumsy
but i've got friends who love me
and they know just where i stand
it's all a part of me
and that's who i am

i'm a saint and i'm a sinner
i'm a loser, i'm a winner
i'm am steady and unstable
i am young but i'm able

it's all a part of me
and that's who i am...

dammit facebook...

2009-04-14T17:58:00.001-07:00

so like a lot of people out there, i have a facebook.

it comes in very handy in my profession, not too mention keeping in touch with lots of folks due to the fact that i am across the country. generally, i enjoy facebook.

until it bitchslaps me.

for example: today i log on to facebook and glance over at the "highlights" column on the right side to see this sentiment "the ranger is now in a relationship with someone that is not me." (names have been changed, slightly).

BITCHSLAP.

yes, he's moving to germany. yes, he lives on the other side of the country. yes, i shouldn't care. but couldn't he have told me?

just one more reason for me to come to terms with the fact that i have now joined a dating site. yes. it's true. i said it. just give me a minute... i think i might pass out...

...

ok. i'm better now. i think. dammit facebook.

simple is beautiful...

2009-04-13T19:40:00.000-07:00

is it possible to have feelings for someone that you only met once? have only spent a few short hours with? have only talked to on the phone and by text since that night almost a year and half ago?

it was early december 2007, i was at a conference in chilly cincinnati. it had been a long week and it was saturday night after the closing banquet. i was spending the wee hours of the night hanging out at the hotel bar with a bunch of friends talking, laughing, and of course - drinking.

there was a group of fellas at the bar that my table had been eyeing up and they dared me to talk to them. immature? maybe. but fun? yes. so with the help of my liquid courage i attempted to talk to them. we started by devising a plan...

in the meantime, this extremely handsome fella (tall, dark, handsome, one of the group we had been eyeing) came over to our table, walked right up to me and told me how beautiful i was. then walked away.

it didn't take much for me to approach them after that. i started talking to him and he eventually joined our table. we talked and laughed and drank... and i couldn't stop smiling. The Man was intelligent, gorgeous, and had a great sense of humor. it was wonderful.

well, as the morning slowly crept towards us we eventually made our way to the lobby and then slowly to the elevators. he walked me to my room, said goodbye outside of my door, exchanged our cards, and then we shared a few of the most delicious kisses ever experienced in a random hotel hallway.

we text, call, text, etc. we'll talk all the time, then not so much, and then one day i'll randomly get the sweetest text message from him. he always sends me the most amazing text messages.

so is it crazy that i can't help myself when i read something like this?:

"i miss you so much. i wish we could live out the end scene of wicker park. i wish i could stop you from leaving somewhere at the airport. i wish i could kiss you and you'd know everything i've felt for so long. since i met you."

so it's easter...

2009-04-12T09:16:00.000-07:00

and i am in SoCal and all of my family is in the midwest.

and all of my friends here have somewhere to be.

and so...

i am spending the entire day baking (and watching season 1 of how i met your mother on dvd in the background).

i'm making cupcake pops (seen here although mine don't look quite that perfect), peanut butter cup brownie bites, and double stuf cupcakes! it's delicious and depressing all at the same time... lol.

suit up!...

2009-04-11T09:34:00.000-07:00

"look at you, you beautiful bastard, you suited up! ...this is totally going in my blog."

~barney stinson, how i met your mother.

keirsey makes me crazy...

2009-04-10T18:20:00.000-07:00

so i recently took the keirsey personality test again... i hadn't taken it since undergrad. this is what i found out: INFP: you have a capacity for caring that is deeper than most. you strive for unity, are fascinated by the battles between good and evil, and can be something of an Idealist. only 1% of the population shares your type.

all Idealists (NFs) share the following core characteristics:

Idealists are enthusiastic, they trust their intuition, yearn for romance, seek their true self, prize meaningful relationships, and dream of attaining wisdom.
Idealists pride themselves on being loving, kindhearted, and authentic.
Idealists tend to be giving, trusting, spiritual, and they are focused on personal journeys and human potentials.
Idealists make intense mates, nurturing parents, and inspirational leaders.

Idealist portrait of the Healer (INFP)

Healers present a calm and serene face to the world, and can seem shy, even distant around others. but inside they're anything but serene, having a capacity for personal caring rarely found in the other types. Healers care deeply about the inner life of a few special persons, or about a favorite cause in the world at large. and their great passion is to heal the conflicts that trouble individuals, or that divide groups, and thus to bring wholeness, or health, to themselves, their loved ones, and their community.

Healers have a profound sense of idealism that comes from a strong personal sense of right and wrong. they conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place, full of wondrous possibilities and potential goods. in fact, to understand Healers, we must understand that their deep commitment to the positive and the good is almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. set off from the rest of humanity by their privacy and scarcity (around one percent of the population), Healers can feel even more isolated in the purity of their idealism.

also, Healers might well feel a sense of separation because of their often misunderstood childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood-they are the prince or princess of fairy tales-an attitude which, sadly, is frowned upon, or even punished, by many parents. with parents who want them to get their head out of the clouds, Healers begin to believe they are bad to be so fanciful, so dreamy, and can come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. in truth, they are quite ok just as they are, only different from most others-swans reared in a family of ducks.

as a romantic partner, you are usually supportive and nurturing, however, you have a high need for individuality. harmony is extremely important to you as you are very affected by conflict and tension, which also makes you resist confronting your partner directly about problems. when you get angry, you usually blame yourself, rather than your partner. you can also be stubborn and unyielding when you feel you are being criticized or mistreated. you feel the most appreciated when your partner listens to you carefully. you need to be understood. you need to hear your partner express their feelings, the more often, the better.

at work, Healers are adaptable, welcome new ideas and new information, are patient with complicated situations, but impatient with routine details. Healers are keenly aware of people and their feelings, and relate well with most others. because of their deep-seated reserve, however, they can work quite happily alone. when making decisions, Healers follow their heart not their head, which means they can make errors of fact, but seldom of feeling. they have a natural interest in scholarly activities and demonstrate, like the other Idealists, a remarkable facility with language. they have a gift for interpreting stories, as well as for creating them, and thus often write in lyric, poetic fashion. frequently they hear a call to go forth into the world and help others, a call they seem ready to answer, even if they must sacrifice their own comfort.

princess diana, richard gere, audrey hephurn, albert schweiter, george orwell, karen armstrong, aldous huxley, mia farrow, and isabel meyers are examples of Healer Idealists.

sometimes i wanna quit this all and become an accountant now...

2009-04-09T17:59:00.000-07:00

but i'm no good at math and besides the dollar is down...

so i try not to use this blog to bitch and moan about work. but there comes a time when things just have to happen... or i'll explode. seriously. so if you are unenthusiastic about reading through the perils and frustrations of my exasperating job, please hit the eject button now.

ok.

for those of you all still here, let's get some framework in place: as you may know, i work in higher education. i love what i do. i love working with students (most of them anyway). no, this isn't what i set out to do, this just sort of happened... one day i realized that i love this and i'm pretty good at it.

what i don't love... the institution in which i am currently employed is a small/private. i have a background in medium/state. i had no idea of the political differences, nor the administrative absurdities that go on at an institution like mine. well, maybe it is only this one.

the inconsistencies, the playing favorites, the disregard for policy, the list goes on and on... i struggle everyday fighting for what is best for my students when i should be spending my time aiding my students in their development. it's unnerving. and it's eating away at me.

and it's not just that i "wear many hats" in my role here. i expected that at a school this size. it's that when you add up my responsibilities/duties you don't get 100%. you get close to %200... for ONE person to do. and it's not that i work some nights and weekends, because i expected that as well. it's that i work almost EVERY night and weekend. some weeks i count my hours and when i hit 70 by thursday i just stop counting, that's the salary life.

it's that none of these things are in my contract. it's that none of these things are ever discussed with me. it's that i am not supported in any of the decisions that i make. it's that when i do research and present best practices, the higher-ups disregard it and just do what they want... but then expect me to enforce it. it's that all the spirit that i have, all of the passion, is being beaten-down, sucked out, and trampled upon.

it's that i'm afraid if i stay here, i will burn myself out, i will feel defeated every single day and i will end up quitting this profession all together.

i stay because of the students. but when do i say enough is enough and put myself first?

grins thank you...

2009-04-08T18:04:00.000-07:00

thanks to nickie over at learn to fly for the BBF award...

thanks for thinking my blog is "pretty f*cken sweet"!!! *hugs*

you made my day.

spit that game, v.2...

2009-04-06T19:24:00.000-07:00

to help entertain you (and because i missed you all!) it's been too long...

if you missed the introduction to "SPIT THAT GAME ", let me fill you in...

because i love hip-hop and because i'm "down" (i mean really, who doesn't need a tip drill?) (not too mention i have the ass to prove it, lol, that is a topic for another post...), i feel that it is my duty to share with you a random sampling of a few of my all time favorite lines. now some of these lines have specific memories associated with them, some are just so true it is pure genius, and some just crack my shit up!!!

the story for this volume - more proof that "i'm down" :

once again it was undergrad. i had recently accepted a bid and joined an amazing sorority. i was new to the Greek world and i didn't know all of my sister that well yet. one weekend we spent saturday evening hanging out, acting goofy, and getting ready for a party thrown by one of our favorite fraternities. once we got to the party we made our way to the dance floor in the basement and we were having a blast and dancing up a storm (have i mentioned i love dancing?). anywhoo, the Luda song "fatty girl" came on and i proceeded to not only shake what my momma gave me, but rap. every. single. line.

needless to say, my sisters were a bit surprised. i got a lot of comments like... "we thought you were kinda NERDY?" "how do YOU know the words to that song?" "you seem like such a GOOD GIRL?" "did that just happen?" "but, but, aren't you really SMART?".... HAHAHAHA! oh, what they had yet to discover... heehee.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and now i bring you... VOLUME 2!!!

"QUIET!!! shh, hush yo mouth. silence when i, spit it out. in yo face. open yo mouth, give you a taste. (Holla) ain't no stoppin me, copywritten so, don't copy me. y'all do it, sloppily. and y'all cant come, close to me." - missy elliot (i remember rapping these lines will working orientation during undergrad... good memories.)

"are you custom-made, custom-paid, or you just custom-fitted?" - ludacris (this is a question i ask frequently, lol!)

"i'm the MBP, Most Ballenous Player.
make my own rules, bitch call me the mayor." - jermaine dupri (you can call me the mayor anytime...)

'one said "ain't you that boy that be on BET?"
"ya that's me, ching-a-ling equipped wit much ding-a-ling"' - chingy (seriously chingy, ding-a-ling? lol.)

'i'm Kan the Louis Vuitton Don. bought my mom a purse now she Louis Vuitton Mom. still might throw on a little low arm they want me to stop, go on go on. they don't want me to shop and me spending that hard. "oh my gawd, is that a black card?" i turned around and replied "why yes, but i prefer the term African-American Express"' - kanye west (i love rapping these lines...)

"i know this world is so cold & deceiving,
but i keep my head up like my nose is bleeding" - lil wayne (that's deep...)

"oh yeah, i represent the Dirty Southside.
i'm a dentist makin' women open they mouth wide" - ludacris (Luda is just so damn clever!)

hope you enjoyed!

you see this isn't where my head is, if you knew me, i'm not like this...

2009-04-05T21:43:00.000-07:00

alright folks... after an unplanned hiatus from my blog i have returned.

literally. i just got back from a conference in san fran. i had the pleasure of taking 12 of my students to the city by the bay for 4 days of learning, laughter, and leadership.

let's just say it was amazing... and exhausting.

i'm looking forward to having a somewhat calm week after the last few weeks of craziness. i'm actually staying in the state/city this weekend... strange.

oh and i have so many things to tell you all. be prepared. this week is going to be filled with lots of blog fun...

i hope ya'll have a great week!

oh and GO STATE!!!

adventures in VEGAS, march madness style...

2009-03-23T19:08:00.000-07:00

"Las Vegas looks the way you'd imagine heaven must look at night."
~ chuck palahniuk

it's been awhile. i know.

between getting ready to leave for VEGAS last week and recovering/catching up from being in VEGAS this week, i've been busy. to say the least.

i promise i will update soon... until then, highlights from VEGAS:

meeting Flava Flav
watching copious amounts of basketball
the M&M store
cabana day (which involved 3 fifths of jager - straight from the bottle, endless bloody marys, and glasses and glasses of marshmallow & cokes - i'll explain that later...)
hanging out in the boston cabana, the socal cabana, and the texas cabana
getting invited to Flava Flavs birthday party
the best limo ride EVER!
watching some teams LOSE
dancing, dancing, and more dancing... and then more dancing! (what can i say, i love shaking my ass!)
making out with hot texas tommy!!!
drinking for 15 hours straight - and i mean DRINKING!
meeting some amazing people
getting to experience VEGAS nightlife (and not so nightlife) for the first time!!!

and a few lowlights:

those last 6 shots of absolut citron (probably could have lived without those...)
losing texas tommy in the elevator
my bestie getting mad because i ditched dinner one night (hey, i'm not a lawyer, attorney or doctor like most of the rest of the crew - i work in education, i couldn't afford ANYTHING on the menu, and i don't take well to charity, so sue me)
watching some of MY teams losing
being awake and drunk for 3 days straight hurts the next day...

proposition 3-17...

2009-03-17T15:09:00.000-07:00

this march 17th, help make st. patricks day and official holiday...
unite with guinness and sign the petition!

and in honor of "hug your favorite red head day",i mean, st. patrick's day, here is my recipe for the best irish car bomb you could ever ask for... (play close attention to the ingredients, they are specific for a reason, make your car bomb legit people!)

ingredients:
3/4 pint Guinness® stout
1/2 shot Bailey's® Irish cream
1/2 shot Jameson® Irish whiskey

directions:
add the Bailey's and Jameson to a shot glass, layering the Bailey's on the bottom.
pour the Guinness into a pint glass 3/4 of the way full and let settle.
drop the shot glass into the Guinness and chug.

enjoy!

NOTE: if you don't drink it fast enough it will curdle!

happy st. patrick's day!
now go eat some lucky charms, drink a green beer, and hug your favorite red head!

words of wisdom on this monday...

2009-03-16T10:12:00.000-07:00

"i believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean."

"you say grace before meals. all right. but i say grace before the concert and the opera, and grace before the play and pantomime, and grace before i open a book, and grace before sketching, painting, swimming, fencing, boxing, walking, playing, dancing and grace before i dip the pen in the ink."

"the poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."

"lying in bed would be an altogether perfect and supreme experience if only one had a colored pencil long enough to draw on the ceiling."

"let your religion be less of a theory and more of a love affair."

"i regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles."

"a room without books is like a body without a soul. "

~ g.k. chesterton

spit that game, v.1...

2009-03-13T15:28:00.000-07:00

i am starting a new tradition here at ...call me captain backfire entitled-

"SPIT THAT GAME"

excited?!?! of course you are... so am i!

here is the deal - yes i am an extremely white girl from the northern midwest, but no that does not stop me from being the most "down" white girl you know.

alright, i may be exaggerating just a bit, but hey... the most "down" white girl that i know, hated (who can c-walk better than ANYONE, just for the record), once told me i was "down" and it is probably one of the best compliments that i have ever received. this is how the conversation went:

(sometime in the year 2000, hated and i were sitting in an art history class in undergrad...)

hated: "andele andele mami, E.I. E.I. uh-ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh! what's poppin' tonight?"
(she randomly busts out a rap quite frequently, this is not unusual for her...)
ME: "andele andele mami, E.I. E.I. uh-ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh! if the head right, Nelly there ery'night"
hated: (turns and stares at me dumbfounded) "i never knew..."
ME: "you never knew what?"
hated: "you're down."
ME: (un-phased) "most people don't."

anyway, back to my point... because i love hip-hop and because i'm "down" (i mean really, who doesn't need a tip drill?) (not too mention i have the ass to prove it, lol, that is a topic for another post...), i feel that it is my duty to share with you a random sampling of a few of my all time favorite lines. now some of these lines have specific memories associated with them, some are just so true it is pure genius, and some just crack my shit up!!!

from time to time i will post the next edition of "SPIT THAT GAME," but for my inaugural post let me share with you these lyrical gems...

"love a combination big ass and tight jeans" - ludacris (this defines me... lol! oh and be warned... there will be a lot of my man, luda, he's a lyrical genius)

"check it, i grew up a fuckin' screw up.
got introduced to the game,
got a ounce and fuckin' blew up" - notorious B.I.G. (classic biggie...)

"put up your peace sign, put your index down." - gym class heroes (i loved seeing the entire crowd throw it up at the gch concert...)

"took your momma 9 months to make ya...
might as well shake what your momma gave ya." - ludacris (rules to live by, and hey, i warned you!...)

"spoil me mama, back rub oil me mama...
when i'm left over, aluminum foil me mama." - murphy lee (one of the most hilarious rap lyrics EVER, not too mention murphy lee is outstanding in concert...)

"wee ooh wee ooh wee (wee),
wee ooh wee ooh wee (wee),
wee ooh wee ooh wee,
(like a cop car)" - lil' wayne (he makes the chorus sound just like the siren of a cop car... hahaahahahaaahaahaaaha!...)

now tell me that didn't put a smile on your face? oh, and feel free to share some of your faves to hold you over until the next edition of...

"SPIT THAT GAME!!!"

work it, make it, do it, makes us...

2009-03-12T00:38:00.000-07:00

scarletnite over at Grad School Prison led me to this link...

http://www.najle.com/idaft/

you have to try it! it is more fun than you ever thought you'd have with just 16 keys on your keyboard... woot!

oh books, how i love thee...

2009-03-11T13:02:00.000-07:00

here is my book list!

(and you can see that i added a few of my own must-reads off the top of my head at the bottom!!! yes, i am a nerd. it's ok, i've come to terms...)

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you started but did not finish.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
4) Reprint this list in your own blog so we can try and track down those people who’ve read 6 or less and force books upon them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
2. The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
3. The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
4. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
5. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
6. The Secret Gard - Frances Hodgson Burnett
7. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
8. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
9. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
10. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
11. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte_
12. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell_
13. His Dark Materials (trilogy) - Philip Pullman
14. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
15. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
16. The Hobbit - J.R.R. Tolkien_
17. Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger
18. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
19. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
20. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
21. Chronicles of Narnia - C.S. Lewis
22. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – C.S. Lewis
23. Winnie the Pooh - A.A. Milne
24. Animal Farm - George Orwell
25. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
26. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
27. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
28. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
29. Charlotte’s Web - E.B. White
30. Hamlet - William Shakespeare
31. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
32. Complete Works of Shakespeare
33. Ulysses - James Joyce
34. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
35. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo
36. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
37. The Bible
38. The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald
39. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
40. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
41. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
42. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
45. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
46. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
47. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
48. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
49. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
50. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
51. Little Women - Louisa M. Alcott
52. Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
53. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
54. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
55. Middlemarch - George Eliot
56. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
57. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
58. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
59. David Copperfield -Charles Dickens
60. Emma - Jane Austen
61. Persuasion - Jane Austen
62. Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
63. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
64. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
65. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
66. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
67. Anne of Green Gables - L.M. Montgomery
68. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
69. Atonement - Ian McEwan
70. Dune - Frank Herbert
71. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
72. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
73. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
74. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
75. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
76. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
77. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
78. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
79. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
80. Bridget Jones' Diary - Helen Fielding
81. Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
82. Moby Dick - Herman Mellvile
83. Dracula - Bram Stoker
84. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
85. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
86. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
87. Germinal - Emile Zola
88. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
89. Possession - A.S. Byatt
90. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
91. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
92. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
93. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
94. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
95. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
96. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
97. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
98. Watership Down – Richard Adams
99. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
100. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A. It - Stephen King
B. Choke - Chuck Palahniuk
C. Flowers in the Attic - V.C. Andrews
D. Slaughterhouse Five - Kurt Vonnegut
E. A Feminine Mystique - Betty Friedan
F. The Shining - Stephen King
G. The Stand - Stephen King
H. The Long Walk - Stephen King
I. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn - Mark Twain
J. The Secret Life of Bees - Sue Monk Kidd
K. Walden - Henry David Thoreau
L. Odd Thomas - Dean Koontz
M. The Dark Tower Series - Stephen King

anyone see a theme here? yes... i do adore stephen king...lol.
and don't even get me started on children's books!

looks like i have some reading to do... ;o)

now it's one more night at the upside down...

2009-03-10T23:38:00.000-07:00

well... that's that.
i really do wish #23 all the best and i hope that he has all the happiness in the world. i hope he knows that.

there's a dark cloud hanging over my heart
i can't see where it ends, or where it starts.
i should get over you, but baby, it's so hard,
with this dark cloud hanging over my heart.

there's a sad song ringing in my head.
baby, it's been here ever since you left.
i should be moving along how far would i get
with this sad song ringing in my head.

i just really miss you, i just really miss you,
there's a life i can't ask you to leave.
i just really miss you, right now i kinda want to.
the closest that you'll ever be to me
is free.

there's a hard wind blowing through this town.
and nothing left to hold is pushing me down.
it blows over you and me without a sound.
there's a hard wind blowing through this town.

i just really miss you, i just really miss you,
there's a life i can't ask you to leave.
i just really miss you, right now i kinda need to.
the closest that you'll ever be to me
is free.

now it's one more night at the upside down,
it's ten steps in, and hundred miles back out.

i just really miss you, i just really miss you,
there's a life i can't ask you to leave.
i just really miss you, right now i kinda need to.
the closest that you'll ever be to me
is free.

there's a dark cloud hanging over my heart.....

i loathe the bus...

2009-03-09T23:52:00.001-07:00

working from 9am until 11:30pm with only a break for dinner makes me loathe the thought of getting up and having to repeat it all again tomorrow.

(and makes me really really really want someone to rub my shoulders... i'm just sayin'...)

oh sundays, mmmm sundaes...

2009-03-08T20:59:00.000-07:00

i really love sundays.

now don't get me wrong, they are not necessarily the perfect day of the week. they sure do have their faults. for example: its inevitable that after sunday is over it is monday, ugh, and when its been a long week and a busy weekend, sunday just isn't long enough.

but alas, i do love sundays.

sleeping in late (or at least until after 8am), football, watching movies, reading books by the pool, catching up on laundry (while its not fun, its good when it's all done!), nascar, marathons of gilmore girls, my so-called life, weeds, or 90210, staying in my pj's all day, not showering, napping, baking treats, falling asleep on the couch with my two kitties draped all over me...

oh that sure does make my heart happy.

what would i do without those two little fellas? i don't even want to think about it.

and after the whirlwind that was february, this is the first weekend that i have been in town for the weekend, and the first sunday i have had the day off/nothing to do in weeks and weeks. it makes me want to never schedule anything on a sunday again... haha. too bad i have the next few sundays already scheduled. not to mention, after last nights events at work a sunday in my pj's was just what i needed...

so what do you do on your sundays???

the walking wounded...

2009-03-05T08:09:00.000-08:00

i just watched the movie "the holiday" for the first time and i thought this monologue was fitting for the moment...

Iris: "I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought.
Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives.
It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night.
And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. It's called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert.
Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone?
We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!
Yes, you are looking at one such individual."

beer pong anyone...?

2009-03-04T17:42:00.000-08:00

now i am not the biggest fan of beer pong. don't judge me. i am a very big proponent of flip-cup, drinking jenga, and games like sevens and king's cup.

beer pong... eh, it's alright.

now due to the fact that i work in higher education, these are the types of things that i have to be concerned about:

Beer Pong spreads Herpes
Beer Pong spreads herpes, mono, flu
Beer Pong Herpes Outbreak

luckily those claims were not confirmed by the Center for Disease Control, like they said they were... phew...

'Beer pong,' oral herpes stroy discredited

BUT... that doesn't mean they don't have some validity.

oh the joys of my job are endless.

brought to you by the letter B...

2009-03-04T09:48:00.000-08:00

i've seen a number of my fave bloggers doing this rad post where you're given a letter and you have to pick your top ten favorite things that start with said letter. well, Rose over at Delightfully Inappropriate was sweet enough to assign me with the letter:
1. books - i absolutely love to read. i go through books like water and i can usually read most books more than once (as long as i don't hate it). i'll read almost everything at least once though, classics, chick-lit, everything. i enjoy books like the outsiders and the bell jar, slaughterhouse five and harry potter. and yes i have read all of the twilight books, lol. i adore children's books like the bridge to teribithia and all of the narnia books. i really like horror and suspense like dean koontz and chuck palahniuk. but my all time favorite is stephen king. i firmly believe that he is somewhat of a god. i've read all of his books/stories at least twice, some up around 10-12 times. i've even been to his house... but i swear it wasn't in a super-stalker kinda way. i swear! lol.

2. beer - especially beer from the Jacob Leinenkugel Brewing Company, which is the 7th oldest brewery in the nation and resides in Chippewa Falls, WI, and is in my opinion... the best brewery in the world! my faves are leinie's sunset wheat (mmm, my fave beer! i'm so glad that added this seasonal beer to their year-round brews) and leinie's fireside nut brown (which goes really well with chocolate cake... no joke, lol! but watch out, it's seasonal!)

3. bees (honey bees to be exact) - because they are absolutely fascinating and the way they live their life intrigues me. enough so that i have a honey bee that i drew tattooed on the inside of my left wrist. (oh and if you have never read "the secret life of bees", you should.)

4. baking - because baking is one of my hobbies! not too mention i enjoy eating the finished products!!! and one day i aspire to be as great as my idol over at Bakerella... and just fyi... that is not a pic of a box of candy... that is CAKE!

5. beaches - because i could lay on the beach and people watch and/or read for hours and hours and hours all the while collecting more and more freckles... i love the sound of the waves, the feel of the sand and who doesn't love a good beach sunset???

this is a pic from our little cabins on the beach in jamaica during the spring break service trip i led in 2007...

6. blizzards - just because i really am a midwest girl at heart. i don't mind the snow (which is strange because i hate being cold... but i like being warmed up!). although for some reason every time i travel back to the midwest (or anywhere that gets snow for that matter) i seem to bring torrential blizzard like conditions... i'm talking 28" of snow in one night people! and the latest... snow/sleet thunderstorms in february! i think one of my all-time favorite daydreams involves a cabin in the mountains, a really big fireplace, a hot tub on the deck and tons and tons of snow outside... with those big huge ol' fluffy flakes falling lazily from the sky...

7. buttons - i found my love for buttons when i was growing up... it might be because i am a child of the 80's, who knows. what i do know is that i still have a love for the buttons! who didn't have a jean jacket or a backpack or purse covered with buttons?!?! i know i still do! and thanks to facebook flair i get to enjoy the digital version as well...
8. blogs - i still consider myself a newbie when it comes to blogging and i'm not quite sure that i've found my niche yet, i'm not the funniest blogger, the best writer, or even able to stay on topic for an entire post... but what i do know is that blogging has really helped me find a place to "think out loud", be myself without risking anyone in my "real" life judging me, and make some very wonderful, interesting, hilarious new friends. so to that i say... thank you!
9. bubbles - and/or most any bath & body product. i'm somewhat addicted. actually, no, strike that. i AM addicted. you should see the shelves in my shower, my bathroom cabinets and counter, the shelf in my bedroom... ok, ok, you get the picture. but really, there are many worse things i could be addicted to than personal hygiene products that make me smell like a freshly baked cookie or a bouquet of sweet peas, right? i simply adore shower gel, body wash, body lotion, body spray, body butter, bubble bath, creams, sprays, butters, lotions, potions... you name it. my current faves are warm vanilla sugar and midnight pomegranate from B&BW. the odd thing... i'm don't like citrus smells. that's for washing dishes. lol. but i do love bubbles. there is just something absolutely wonderful about being covered in millions of bubbles...

10. nick barnett - nick barnett is one of the NFL's best middle linebackers and in my opinion, not only the greatest, but also the sexiest! he plays arguably the most challenging position on defense and excels remarkably. he has been a starting player since he was drafted from oregon by the packers in 2003. he has led the team in tackles, been defensive team captain, played with a club on his arm for half a season, and been actively involved in the community as well as his hobbies in music/producing. and of course... he is a green bay packer!!! the best team EVER!!!

and that is my list of B's! hope you enjoyed!

feel free to leave me a comment if you want a letter of your very own!!!

awards! so thoughtful...

2009-03-03T23:32:00.000-08:00

thanks so much to Nickie for these adorable awards... i needed the smile today!!!

"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers."

"This award acknowledges the values that every blogger shows in his/her effort to transmit cultural, ethical, literary and personal values every day."

Deliver this award to those bloggers who so deserve, and then they may pass it along, and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.

and with that... i am passing along these wonderful little awards to:

Nicole over at Breakfast at Wal-Mart
Shannon over at Love, Shannon
Courtney over at Sex and the Travelling Satchel

enjoy!

homemade pizza and a beer...

2009-03-03T19:44:00.000-08:00

alright, before i get into the emotional stuff, let's recap:

because i am a good friend (or at least i try to be) about a week and a half ago on thursday night i went out for dinner with some friends for veedub's birthday... and because everyone but the dr. and i went home right after dinner i felt obligated to head out with them for a birthday drink at our bar (partly because veedub joined me for my birthday and partly because i know what it's like to have a lame birthday). an you know what happens when i head to our bar...

i get ridiculous. then start dancing. and flirting. and just can't stop taking shots. (and eventually i take my pants off...)

and of course, all of my favorite peeps were there, jack sparrow, JD, and of course... charles ingalls (who i got a few kisses and a few drinks from, lol.) and of course they were all wondering where i'd been...

so i ended up staying out way to late and getting way to drunk... heehee. (but i did wait until i got home to take off my pants... this time.) which wouldn't have been bad except i still had to pack for my mini-holiday break and leave for the airport at 4:30 am!!!

i am a glutton for punishment. haha.

anyway... i made it (barely), passed out on the planes, and was completely exhausted, but too excited to see my sisters and present at the conference to let myself slow down. so i spent the first weekend at another conference... the last leg in my tour for february. and i have to say that it was absolutely amazing! my sisters are wonderful, my sessions went so great, and don't even get me started on the hotel. can anyone say polynesian getaway in the middle of winter??? we took to referring to it as TIKILAND. heehee. it was unforgettable. i managed to get second place in our annual euchre tourney for the second year in a row which was fun (but one of these years i am going to win!!!) and spend time with my favorite asians.

after the conference was over i headed even farther north into the upper midwest to enjoy a week of sleeping, eating, napping, drinking, watching movies, dozing off, and having fun away from work! i'm pretty sure that i slept all of monday and tuesday besides eating, sleeping, and a couple movies. after that i was up for some shopping, heading out to a basketball game, seeing some friends and family, drinks and bar darts (which i LOVE!), and an epic hockey game!

i stayed most of the week with one of my old pals, fresh. he now lives in an old farm house with 4 guys in a sort of hostel. there are guys coming and going, staying for a few days here and there, popping in for video games, beers, basketball. all in all, a scene i pretty much dig, EXCEPT: the ONE bathroom! it was awful! dirty, small, NO outlets! seriously... there were NO outlets! ladies, trust me when i tell you that i did my best to convince those fellas that if they ever hoped to have an ladies stay there on any sort of regular basis they needed to remedy that situation. and fast. lol.

oh and the hockey game... let's just say that it was preempted by me eating my weight in wings, it was dollar beer night at the arena, there were people kicked out in the first 3 minutes, i witnessed one of the best and bloodiest hockey fights ever, and i made new friends! heehee... and by friends i mean the guys in the 2 rows in front of us (we were in the third row behind the players box) that were amused by my amazing decibel level and clever antics when yelling at the players, coaches, refs, fans, whoever or whatever i could think of to yell at! what can i say... i'm loud. (did i ever tell you that i was once told to "QUIET DOWN" by a REF at a HOCKEY GAME? seriously. no joke. they skated over to the glass, pointed at me, and told me to "QUIET DOWN!" ahh, but i digress...) they were amused... the one fellas girlfriend, not so amused. but hey, she was lame and had no idea what was going on anyway. it was a blast and we kicked the other teams ass!

and so yeah... i also got to enjoy a really comfy hotel suite, a trip to a giant bass pro shop, yummy food at my favorite restaurants, snowstorms and -20 degree weather, and some great clearance shopping.

it was GREAT!

i was sad to have to come back to socal.

unfortunately, i have tons and tons of work that has been waiting for my return and i just can't seem to shake this melancholy mood that has taken over.

and i think i know what started it (its not all of it, but i think it is what started it).

#23.

originally, i planned on extending my conference trip so i could spend the rest of the week with #23. but since that fell apart i had to make other plans. and yes, it was great to have the time off and catch up with friends and family, in the back of my mind i knew i was supposed to be seeing #23. and i think that a part of me was hoping that i would get to see him. nothing serious. just something like dinner or drinks, a little catch up.

and it's not even that i was hoping he'd see me and realize he made a mistake. because i really don't think it's the right time for us... and timing is everything. it's that i was really hoping that we would be able to be friends.

we kind of skipped that part and if given the chance, i think we would make quite good friends. but unfortunately, it looks as though that isn't going to happen.

and i know, we live far apart, we have separate lives, we have plenty of other friends. i guess i just thought that there was enough between us that we would be good for each other.... as friends.

but alas, he doesn't return my calls, or my e-mails, or my texts. and that's that. so now what do i do? i need to stop thinking of him and just stop trying. so how do i do that when there are little things that make me think of him that only he would understand, or things that make me laugh that only he would laugh at with me, or things that happen that i only want to share with him? maybe i should cut him out, delete him from my facebook/myspace/phone, etc. ugh, i don't know.

what i do know is that it got me into a funk and now i can't stop thinking too much. thinking too much about what in the world is going on with the ranger. thinking too much about how much mr. west wants to come and see me. thinking too much about how it seems that fresh is looking at me as more than friends these days. thinking about what in the world i am going to do about the dr. thinking about whet i'm going to do and where in the world i am going to go and if i'm going to have to do it all alone.

and all i want is my happy, positive mood back. ugh...

oh and my boys were pissed that i was gone (again). and i can't blame them... but at least buddy has willie to hang out with (terrorize) when i'm gone now. the dr. played cat sitter for me again, which i appreciate beyond comprehension. and when i return sunday night they were surely not going to let me sleep... they wanted attention from mom and they were not going to have it any other way.

so much for catching up on my sleep... lol.

peanut butter cups and too much work...

2009-03-02T15:37:00.000-08:00

i have returned!!!

unfortunately my work has been piling up waiting impatiently for just this moment. sad panda. therefore, i have limited amounts of time today to regal you with stories of my much-needed, midwest holiday mini-break.

don't worry! i will make sure you are all fully updated as soon as i get a minute. in the meantime... i leave you with this wordle that i made from my blog:

i like it. :o)

the ABC game...

2009-02-28T10:01:00.000-08:00

Nickie tagged me to play this little blog game and it seemed to be perfect for my vacation blogging mood (not to mention i heart her and hope she keeps her chin up!)... here goes:

the rules are :
1. for each letter of the alphabet, write a word connected to you.
2. tag 6 people.

A – Awkward... i am really really good at being awkward.
B – Buddy! the best cat in the world (don't tell Willie!) and my partner in crime... he's been with me through a lot!
C – California... even though i'm a midwest girl at heart.
D – Deliciousness... because i've recently used this word to descride what things taste like, ex: "what does it taste like?" "deliciousness." "very helpful, thank you."
E – Exciting... just because i need a little excitement in my life.
F – Firsts... because firsts can be good, bad, and/or ugly!
G – Graphic design, because it's one of my fave hobbies!
H – Hilarious... because laughing is so much fun!
I – iTunes... because i love music and making rad playlists!
J – Jaded... because it is what i am, and i am trying desperately not to be.
K – Knee-high socks... because i adore them!
L – Lipgloss, and chapstick, and lipbalm... love it!
M – Movies... i love movies!
N – Naps... because i would enjoy one right about now.
O – Ohmygosh!... because i say that way too much.
P – Pizza... because it is tasty and delicious.
Q – Quiet... which is something i am NOT (well not at sporting events, or when i've been drinking, or when i've been drinking at sporting events...)
R – Rad. because i still say things like RAD!
S – the Soundtrack to my life is Super rad!
T – Tipsy... because it's fun gettin' a lil' tipsy.
U – Ultra... because we should start adding ultra to the begining of more words... ex: ultracool, ultrarad, ultrahip, ultranasty, ultratasty, ultrafancy, ultradrunk... etc!
V – Vacation... who doesn't love a good vacay?!?!
W – Woot!... because i say that too much, but it's fun!
X – Xerox machine... because the copier is outside my office which has inherently made me an expert at troubleshooting. lol.
Y – You betcha.
Z – Zoo... because most of the time my job makes me feel like i work at a zoo.

this was actually harder than it should have been for me to accomplish... i'm lame.

the 6 people i tag are: whoever wants to play!!!

a girl like me...

2009-02-27T14:46:00.000-08:00

you don't need a girl like me
i've got bruises you can't see
and when the lights go out
i won't be around
you don't need a girl like me

you can't have a heart like mine
but you can hold it for a while
and when the lights go out
i won't be around
you can't have a heart like mine

there's a rule that goes unwritten
and i break it from time to time
if you're fool enough to listen
then i'm fool enough to lie

that's the kind of girl i am
i take off before i land
and even though you think you can
you can't change the way i am

cause the rule remains unwritten
i still break it from time to time
if you're fool enough to listen
then i'm fool enough to lie

you can't change the way i am
you don't need a girl like me

we interrupt your regularly scheduled blog...

2009-02-23T10:44:00.000-08:00

for these important announcements:

ok. so they are not important to you all. but they are to me.

#1. i am officially on vacation. (alright, not vacation so much as a much needed break to attempt to catch up on sleep and regain some sense of sanity... my insane february schedule and conference tour really caught up to me...)

#2. i am in the midwest. woot! and you all know how much i heart the midwest!!!

#3. i've been doing some thinking (and i imagine there will be a lot more of that over the course of the next few days...), i have a lot of thinking to do, and i need to not think so much. make sense?

#4. i will be sleeping, eating, drinking, napping, watching movies, snoozing, catching up with friends, and catching some zzzz's...

#5. i won't be regularly updating my blog... but i will have plenty of updates when i return... i know you are all just boiling over in anticipation... heehee.

can't wait to update ya'll and catch up on all of your news when i return...

xoxo,
gossip girl.
oh, wait... i mean, calixta.jive.

let me be forgetful...

2009-02-19T14:35:00.000-08:00

"better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember and be sad."

~christina georgina rossetti

i hope someone is looking for me...

2009-02-18T10:28:00.000-08:00

maybe you're just jaded from some nobody's unforgotten words maybe you're just faded, a little gray from every time that you've been hurt
so you're lookin' for your skin that you never did fit in
you can't hide when you're turned inside out
love is looking for you now

maybe you been burnin' but you can't blow out a flame that you can't find
maybe you've been thirsty but the rain just ain't enough when you're this dry
so you're runnin' from the water and the fire's getting hotter
i think you better find some level ground
love is lookin' for you now
love is lookin' for you now

maybe you been wearing the shoes that someone else is wearing now
maybe you've been swearing forever might have already run out you can't love yourself at the expense of someone else
you can't hide a liar from the truth
love is lookin' for you
love is lookin' for you

i've been looking for you
baby i've been lookin.....
i've been looking for you

depths and seperations...

2009-02-17T23:51:00.000-08:00

"ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation."

~kahlil gibran

the winds that blow remind me, of what has been, and what can never be...

2009-02-17T22:24:00.000-08:00

i've been struggling while attempting to summarize this past weekend.

not sure of what to say or how to go about saying it. but i feel like no matter how it ends up coming out... i need to say something.

it all started friday... besides staying out way too late and drinking way too much on thursday night, i was doing rather well for being so excited (nervous) i couldn't sit still. i picked the ranger up at the airport (and even though it was pouring buckets and traffic was terrible, i was only 10 minutes late!) and he greated me with a rose and before he said he even said hello he asked...

"will you be my valentine?"

and that small exchange sets the example for exactly how the rest of the weekend works out. wonderful.

i will keep all the specific details to a minimum... they are still floating lazily through my thoughts, reminding me of all the special moments that we shared between us in the short time we had together. let's just say that there was lots of laughter, smiles, drinks, my first drunken trips to Denny's, entwined hands, stories, hugs, the rangers first visit to In-n-Out, jokes, sightseeing, mini golf, good food, more drinks, bowling alley karaoke, and kisses. we acted like tourists and long lost loves. we fell right back in to "comfortable" and it felt amazing.

and it was so completely unexplainable to be able to lay down next to someone that i love at the end of the day and have his arm around me as i fall asleep listening to his slow steady breathing like a lullaby.

and it started to hit me as we were laying in bed sunday night and he was telling me about how he gets depressed every time he has to leave someplace. and i told him that he couldn't feel that way yet... because we still had the night and the morning. but inside i completely agreed and my heart was already starting to ache.

i held in my emotions as i drove him back to the airport. i didn't let it hit me until i was on my way home. and again at work. and again on my dinner break. and again after my late meetings. and again as i was laying in bed...

alone.

we figured out that before new years it had been over 4 years since we had actually seen each other in person. it didn't feel that long. but thinking about going that long without seeing him again makes me ache. and knowing that he is only going to be in NC until the end of the year and then he is moving to Germany for what could be 2 years or more doesn't really make the future any brighter... or clearer.

and now i'm forced to face climbing into bed alone again tonight.

maybe i'll sleep on the couch...

today...

2009-02-16T14:40:00.000-08:00

today is monday.

today is rainy and grey.

today my thoughts are melancholy, lugubrious, and pensive.

today the ranger left for home.

today i struggle to keep my chin up... and my eyes dry.

today it is hard to be the positive, optimistic, strong person that i want to be.

image: people.always.leave. ~Lunati-que via www.deviantart.com

for goodness sake i think i'm on the edge of something new with you...

2009-02-12T13:20:00.000-08:00

alright... there has been a lot of things going on in my little corner of the world lately and i have been doing a bad job of keeping you updated. i will not apologize however... (apparently you shouldn't, lol. not that i don't regularly break most of these rules...) but alas, what can i say? i've been a busy bee. ;o)

here goes... besides working way too much (as in 12-15 hour days monday-friday and some weekend days/nights, besides being on-call, or 12-15 hour days monday-thursday and traveling/conferencing friday-sunday only to hit repeat...), i have been doing really great.

let us summarize with bullets:

i love my sisters! LITP!
i despise canceled flights (especially when you get re-routed to an entirely different destination and get seated in the center seat on a 5 hour flight and the women behind you pukes everywhere...)
i love being busy... even though i love being lazy, too.
i think my cats are actually dogs (more on that some other day...).
i'm normally not optimistic, positive or strong. but i'm trying to be! (and thanks for all of the great words of encouragement... i appreciate them all more than you know).
knee-high socks make me happy. i'm kinda obsessed...
holiday filled weekends are fun (friday-the-13th, valentines day, president's day...)!
i've made it to balitmore and newark on my conference tour so far... chicago and san francisco are yet to come...
i love peanut butter.
my blog isn't really funny (well, it is to me, i'm easily amused!)... but i think it serves a great purpose.
my mom/sister make my blood pressure rise.
i can't wait for friday at 3 pm!!!

and on that note... the important part of today's post: this weekend!!!

as you may recall, the ranger is flying across the country to spend the weekend with me and i couldn't be more excited! seriously!

we've known each other for about 8 years now (wow... it's been that long???) and we originally met in undergrad... i'll spare you the fraternity/sorority hijinks! lol. let's just say that i was completely enamored of him, but i wasn't really in the best place in my life at the time. the time we did spend together was wonderful... some of the best memories and most hilarious stories i have from undergrad involve the ranger! time passed, i graduated, i moved, he graduated, he moved, there were other gf's and bf's, there were more moves, and more moves... we would see each other every once in awhile when we were back in the ol' college town, and we somehow have always kept in touch (even if it meant weeks or months had gone by...).

and i've never completely let him go.

he is an amazing man (although he would never agree). he's brilliant and humble. gorgeous and down to earth. we have a lot in common and it's always been easy to be "comfortable" with him (not in a bad, way... in a really really good way. and he always makes me laugh- which is always a huge plus in my book!

anyway... we started talking again regularly this past fall (due to some random events... and proof that this is one small world that we live in!). we've been exchanging phone calls and the ever-so-popular digital communication... via myspace/facebook, etc. (although he doesn't have text messaging... which makes me CRAAAAZY!) we've always joked about when the other person was going to move closer, and we've always made comments about how no one is quite equal to who we each are. it's been casual, strictly friends. but he does have the unrivaled ability to call me at that exact moment when i need it the most, at those hopeless moments, at those lost moments. it's unexplainable and completely wonderful.

i was lucky enough to get to see him over new years... and it made my heart happy to know that i could be in the same room with him and still feel at ease, he could still make me laugh like no one else, that everything between us was still "easy", and that spark was still there (not to mention, the fact that i had a blast going out on the town with him and all of our friends, we had an epic time out-and-about in the ol' college town drinking, dancing, drinking, laughing, drinking, reminiscing, drinking, watching the ball drop in the -30 degree weather, drinking (for warmth!), and stumbling back to the hotel close to sunrise! and it sure didn't hurt that he made sure that whenever my hands were empty he had a drink waiting to replace it!!!)

and ever since... we've stayed in touch just that much more.

it was about 2 weeks ago when we were chatting on the phone and i was talking about how i wasn't going to get to see him again until may when i head over to NC for a wedding (which is going to be amazing btw!) and he made a comment about how far away that was. i told him that he should come out to SoCal and visit... he mentioned that maybe he should, he hasn't been out to CA since he was 5. of course he mentioned that he would but i am always traveling so i wouldn't be here anyway. i told him that wasn't true (well not entirely... lol!). so he mentioned that he did have a 4 day weekend coming up... over president's day. i exclaimed - that is the only weekend i will be in CA all month, you should totally come out and visit! ... and that is pretty much where the conversation ended.

until the next morning when i get a message that simply says: "what airport would i fly in to?"

i message him back, trying desperately to not get my hopes up... because i didn't want to get crushed again. that evening i get a phone call 'round about the time he would have been getting home from work...

"i'm buying a plane ticket, what time can you pick me up?"

so we chatted about flights, and risks involved with flying on friday-the-13th, and then he says, ok, talk to you later. and that was that! ;o)

and that leads me to now... i've been trying desperately to plan some fun things to do while he is here, but of course the weather is not cooperating!!! we have some fun plans for a night of drunken debauchery filled with spirited beverages and all of my favorite peeps tomorrow night and will probably end with me taking my pants off... again... BUT... it's valentine's day this weekend!!!

and so far he's referenced friday-the-13th and even president's day. but no mention of the day of hearts-n-flowers-n-chocolate-n-xoxo's!

so what do i do?!?!

do i acknowledge it? plan something? get him a present? get him a present but hide it and only reveal its existence if he acknowledges it first? pretend it doesn't exist? act like i don't know what day it is? ahhhh!

and it sure doesn't help when we are in some sort of pseudo "friends but past flames" state and this weekend feels somewhat like a "let's-see-how-this-goes-and-then-take-it-from-there" audition for the future. and this is the first time WE are going to be spending an extended period of time together, just US. and i'm SUPER nervous (but not necessarily in a bad way...).

oh geez. what have i gotten myself into. ;o)

just let me remind you... i did not pick the weekend. and yes... this is what has been on my mind today... so shoot me.

I AM SO EXCITED!!! (i can't stop smiling...)

i've kept all the words you said in a box underneath my bed...

2009-02-11T14:28:00.000-08:00

i have a lot of things to say... so bear with me.

because i couldn't say it then, i am going to try and say it now. (if only because i need to get it out).

written last week:

2009 has been one intense rollercoaster of emotions so far. i thought i found "love." and i've lost it already.

#23 was a whirlwind. everything involved... from our chance meeting and everything that followed. i got caught up in the idea of fate, love, happiness, and someone to fill all those empty holes in my heart (and whose heart i could fill in return). i wanted to believe him when he told me he was ready. i wanted to believe him when he asked me to be his. i wanted to believe him when he told me he loved me.

but i should've known better.

it's all too much to write down. it hurts too much to remember. too many moments of joy that hurt my heart now. i thought i had found exactly what i needed, what was right for me. but once again... i was wrong. and i'm tired of being wrong. and i'm tired of being alone.

i wanted to take care of him. he asked me to be open and honest... and i was (which is new to me). but he wasn't. and that led me here.

i need to take care of myself for once. and i need to find someone that wants to take care of me - and that will let me take care of him.

i want to be a better me. i want to be someone worth having. worth loving. worth fighting for.

he broke my heart.

but i can't let this destroy me. i can't.

i will be better. i will get stronger. i will do what i have to do. i will let myself be happy. i will take care of myself.

and not because he said to... but because i deserve it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

update:

i'm surprise by how well i am doing. seriously. it hasn't even been 2 weeks and i'm holding my own. ;o)

i've realized there's more. there IS more. (that wasn't it for me...)

i've done a good job of not spending my time and energy dwelling on the past, lost in what was and what might have been, trying to analyze what i could have done differently. instead, i've been creating space and time between all of those memories and feelings. but it isn't a bad thing! it's good i swear! and it's actually working quite well.

everything was too fresh, the feelings to new, the frustrations burned too deeply.

and i don't want to resent #23. i don't want to reject the unexplainable events surrounding our meeting and short whirlwind relationship.

part of me knows that i should. because ultimately, i did all that i could. but that's just it. i DID do ALL that i could.

he's not ready. not in the right place. it's not me. i believe it would be the same with anyone at this point.

and that is OK.

i have to be ok with that because i understand. i understand completely. he doesn't grasp just how much i understand. but i do.

and that is OK, too.

that are some things that i know... (and often need to remind myself of) - i am not worthless. i do have people that love me for who i am... just the way that i am. i'm not perfect, and that's OK. i can't fix everything. sometimes i do need to take care of myself. being happy is OK. loving someone is OK... even if they do not love you in return (love is something to be shared, not something to keep to yourself).

and i may be a little bit lost and a lot confused (more on that... later. :o), but it's OK to take it one day at a time.

i don't have to doubt myself all the time.

and in the meantime... maybe it is fate that has brought me to this point in time (again, more on this later...oh the suspense... ;o).

i'm not entirely sure what exactly is responsible for my completely changed outlook. i think it has to be a combination of things... that just happened to click into place all at the same time. it's really hard to put it all into words...

because i had hit another extreme low and because i had lost hope for any other options but despair...
because i understand where #23 is coming from...
because i'm tired of being unhappy...
because i'm the only one who can change things for myself (even if i don't have control over everything, i do have control over SOME things)...
because i realized that my sisters value me, love me, appreciate me, find me funny. and they aren't the only ones...
because i got that unexpected phone call at the exact perfect moment...

so many things, so many thoughts, so many feelings...

and no matter how much i want something to work, forcing it will never work in the end. and ultimately, i do want #23 to be happy.

i really do.

and i want to be happy.

and you know what? maybe that isn't too much to ask. maybe that isn't too selfish of me...

i'm an ingrid...

2009-02-10T18:16:00.000-08:00

thanks to Ashley over at Turquoise Ribbons for this clever little quiz (that's quite accurate if you ask me!)...

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz ...

You Are an Ingrid!

You are an Ingrid -- "I am unique"

Ingrids have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being an Ingrid

my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
my ability to establish warm connections with people
admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
being unique and being seen as unique by others
having aesthetic sensibilities
being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being an Ingrid

experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
feeling guilty when I disappoint people
feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
expecting too much from myself and life
fearing being abandoned
obsessing over resentments
longing for what I don't have

comment help anyone...?

2009-02-09T08:01:00.000-08:00

can no one comment on this darn blog?

i'm not trying to be a comment-whore and beg ya'll to write something to boost my ego... but apparently even those of you who want to post a comment haven't been able to. i tried fixing it last week, but to no avail. what am i doing wrong?

argh. i'm frustrated.

so, really... can you comment on this blog? or what?

alright, alright... here are my "25 random things"...

2009-02-05T14:23:00.000-08:00

alright… i finally gave in…

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1. my favorite color in the world is orange… but i love to wear black (debra messing said redheads look hot in black, and she is right!!!), shades of blue calm me down, and i used to wish my gray eyes were green but now i wouldn’t change them a bit.

2. i have 2 cats, buddy and willie. i’ve had buddy since undergrad and he has moved to 3 different states, driven across the country, and lived in 6 (?) different apartments with me! i would be lost without him, he is such a momma’s boy, too! he greets me at the door, gives kisses on command and always cuddles with me. willie on the other hand is quite the handful… i just got him in september and he is definitely still in kitten mode. actually, i think he may be a dog. no joke. he chews everything (and usually eats it!), begs for food, and talks a lot! but all in all, you really can’t beat laying in bed and having each one of my little sweets curled up in the crook of my elbow or in between my knees…

3. i hate talking on the phone… a lot. i love texting, IM’ing, e-mail, facebook, myspace, whatever… but no phone calls. Oh and i hate leaving messages or checking my voicemail… weird, right?

4. i’m not a girly girl (by any means) but i love makeup! it’s like getting to paint-by-numbers your face, in different colors in different ways – everyday! i guess that is the artist in me…

5. speaking of art… i have a bachelor of fine arts degree in graphic communication and a masters of science – education in college student development and administration. and i LOVE learning.. it’s fun for me! right now i am using my master’s degree in my current profession and my graphics degree on the side (and for fun)… but sometimes i wonder if that will ever reverse itself???

6. i am a member of a sorority and am so grateful for each and every wonderfully amazing, talented, brilliant sister i have in my life because of it. Not too mention all the magnificent opportunities!

7. i am completely enthralled with all things retro. i’m talking 1950’s here people. i think i was born in the wrong time! someday i want a completely retro kitchen… and the outfits to go with it!!!

8. i am slightly obsessed with music. and my iTunes. and my iTunes playlists. seriously. and i listen to everything from country to hip-hop. not too mention i have to have music playing AT ALL TIMES. what can i say? the soundtrack to my life is AHHH-mazing!

9. i don’t watch tv anymore (1. because i am never home 2. because i can’t justify paying for cable when i am never home 3. there’s not much on that i want to watch anyway 4. i’d rather watch a movie, yay netflix!) but when i did my favorite shows were, and always will be, gilmore girls and my so-called life!!! i can totally relate to angela chase, I still have a huge crush on jordan catalano… and who doesn’t want to grow up to be lorelai gilmore and have her wardrobe?!?!

10. i am a redhead. a real one. and i love it!

11. my favorite food is cheese. but some people don’t consider that a valid answer because it is not a meal (bah, i say it is!) so my alternative answers would be pizza and gnocchi! and chocolate!!! yum!

12. my favorite season is fall. i love the chilly weather, the leaves, the smell. i love the clothes, scarves, sweaters, and sweatshirts. football season! october is my favorite month, my birthday, and halloween. (other favorites include, but are not limited to: chapstick, shoulder rubs, laughing so hard i sound like an owl, dancing, checking things off my to-do list(s), swimming, staying in a hotel, candles, traveling, mountain dew, m&m’s, busting out a rap, making people happy, and smelling good…)

13. i’m not what i appear to be on first impression. there is a lot more to me and it usually surprises most people when they get to know me further.

14. i absolutely LOVE the green bay packers! i’ve been a huge fan for pretty much my entire life and i am not a fair-weather fan… i’m standing behind my team win or lose! GO PACK GO!

15. i am ridiculously scared of spiders! to an insane level. it makes me physically upset just thinking about them…

16. i have about a million favorite movies but some of my all-times are: sixteen candles (i have the hugest crush on jake ryan and who doesn’t secretly want to be molly ringwald?!?) and the goonies (because who didn’t always want to go hunting for treasures with all of your best friends?).

17. i am my own worst critic. i am very judgmental of myself. i never think that what i do is good enough. and it makes for some seriously low self-esteem and little to no self-worth on my part… not to mention i put everyone and everything in front of myself. but if you ever need anything… just ask. i’ll do whatever i can to make sure you get what you need!

18. i absolutely love to read. i think i get this from my mom. i read every night before i go to bed. stephen king is by far my favorite author. actually… i think he is a god. i have read almost every single one of his books at least 3 times (if not more) and i own almost every one of them also (some i own 2 and 3 copies of…). but i’ll read just about anything i can get my hands on. someday i want a library in my house… books and comfortable chairs and lots of lamps (no overhead lighting… eew!).

19. i have the most amazing friends… all over the country. and i’d be lost with out them. (thank you!)

20. i LOVE the midwest! i miss it so much… the weather, the people, everything! and along with that… i LOVE my family… from my parents to my sisters and brother, to all of my millions of cousins. my family is crazy and amazing and i wish i lived closer to them… they are all so wonderful and unique! it makes my heart swell with happiness just being around them all! i miss them SO much.

21. i am an extremely passionate person. when i care about something/someone, or when something/someone is important to me, i give it my all. (even little things – like the fact that i will always love the packers, i prefer chevy to ford, and i love macs and think PC’s are crap, hee hee!).

22. i am overly sensitive and defensive. i put on a tough act, but really i’m a big ol’ softy and way too emotional for my own good. this makes for some tough relationships… also, i’m an empathy. which i love. but it’s also really hard on me as well. it makes me a quality friend and very good at my profession (i think?). but it weighs heavily on my heart, shoulders, and mind…

23. i enjoy cooking and baking (just not cleaning up afterward!). and one of my favorite hobbies is decorating cakes, cupcakes, and cookies! how much fun is creating art made of deliciousness?!?

24. i love to sleep! unfortunately, i have had trouble sleeping on and off for the past few years and it has taken a toll on me. i’m talking only 3 and 4 hours of sleep a night here people! i just can’t seem to stay asleep… or shut my mind off (i think too much!). i need to not be so stressed out!!!

25. i love clutter. most people would say that i am messy, but i just love to be surround with “stuff!” it makes things cozy. pictures, books, candles, retro collectibles, lamps, ceramics, lots of things that most people would consider junk but hold a memory that i think is priceless… it makes my apartment interesting and my small office very inviting (i think!).

and that is that. just a little glimpse into the randomness that is me! now tell me about you!

i am supposed to tag 25 people… but i’ll leave it at this: if you are reading this, consider yourself tagged!

then i realized i'd rather fight with you, then make love with anyone else...

2009-02-04T23:58:00.000-08:00

this scene in "the wedding date" makes my heart swell up.  i want this...


KAT:  you know what pisses me off? 
i've been spilling my guts all weekend
and i don't know anything about you.

NICK:  i'm allergic to fabric softener. 
i majored in comparative literature at Brown. 
i hate anchovies.   
...i think i'd miss you even if we'd never met.

it's lucky i'm clever...

2009-02-03T08:43:00.000-08:00

because i can't seem to put all of my thoughts and feelings into words right now, and because i am doing surprisingly well at keeping my spirits high (with lots of help, thank you), i am not going to dwell on the fact that #23 and i are no longer. i'll let this say it for me...

for now...

as high as the moon
so high were my spirits
when you sang out my name

and coming from you
it was enough just to hear it
oh, it rang like the bells did today

but even the sturdiest ground
can shift and can tremble and let us fall down

kindly unspoken
you show your emotion
and silence speaks louder than words
it's lucky i'm clever
if i didn't know better
i'd believe only that which i'd heard

in the days of my folly
i followed your lead
did what simon said to do

but i won't let melancholy
play me for a fool
oh, no i'm on my way somewhere new

and as far as your lack of something to say
well, to tell me goodbye there was no better way

kindly unspoken
you show your emotion
and silence speaks louder than words
it's lucky i'm clever
if i didn't know better
i'd believe only that which i'd heard

so don't keep me up till the dawn
with words that'll keep leading me on
i know much better than to wait for an answer from you

the times, they are a changin'...

2009-02-02T19:41:00.000-08:00

it seems like it was just a few mondays ago that i was reveling in the fact that #23 was going to come to visit.

and look how that turned out.

but this monday, i am happy to quote bobby d. because "the times, they are a changin'!"

and i have lots of people to thank... right now, top of the list is the ranger. he's coming out here to visit me in less than 2 weeks and i couldn't be happier!

i am so lucky...

2009-02-01T21:38:00.000-08:00

baltimore was amazing.

my sisters are amazing.

my weekend was amazing.

travel, sisters, leadership, learning, fun, food, spirited beverages, affirmation, laughs, inside jokes, bonding, growing, crying, support, companionship, values, strangers, story time, beyonce, yelling, no sleep, pictures, asians, renewal, growth, quotes, development, time zones, text messages, good times, memories, lifelong bonds...

and remembering that there are people out there that love me, value me, and appreciate me... and always will... just the way that i am.

thank you.

string together all the little things...

2009-01-29T23:54:00.000-08:00

"hey, it's me, bailey. you don't have to use this in your movie or anything.
although, now that i think of it... fainting in wallmans does kind of qualify me as a loser.
but then again... wearing a price sticker on your forehead probably makes you one too.
you know, i don't know, tibby. maybe the truth is there's a little bit of loser in all of us, you know?

being happy isn't having everything in your life be perfect.
maybe it's about stringing together all the little things...
like wearing these pants... or getting to a new level of "dragon's lair"...
and making those count for more than the bad stuff.

maybe we just get through it... and that's all we can ask for."

~ bailey, the sisterhood of the traveling pants

abstract expressionism...

2009-01-28T16:16:00.000-08:00

"my painting does not come from the easel. i prefer to tack the unstretched canvas to the hard wall or the floor. i need the resistance of a hard surface. on the floor i am more at ease. i feel nearer, more part of the painting, since this way i can walk around it, work from the four sides and literally be in the painting."

~jackson pollock

happy birthday jackson pollock!

you have to try out this website... its fun, its art you can do at your desk during work, and its an ode to jackson pollock!

(thanks to maegan over at ...love maegan for this great find!!!)

let's all just take a second...

2009-01-27T18:06:00.000-08:00

here's the deal... i've been crazy busy at work (partly because of the time of year, partly because i am not going to be here this weekend, or the next...), as i've stated previously, i've been on a shitshow of an emotional rollercoaster lately, and i am so stressed out that i hurt physically.

therefore, all of the things in my head that i want to type... won't seem to expel themselves through my fingers at the moment. so let's leave it at this... i am SO extremely excited for this weekend!!! i am traveling for a volunteer position and will be at a conference all weekend in maryland (sounds exciting? no? not convinced yet?) and i will get to see some of my all time faves! some of the greatest, most amazing women i have ever met! and it is going to be a long, tiring, stressful, amazing, exciting weekend. and exactly what i need right now... although i will curse the time change with all of my being when i have to get up EARLY all weekend.

and finally, i am doing an extremely good job of keeping my head up amidst all the confusion and frustration and bad luck that is my life right now. and i can't really ask for more than that.

so with that said, i leave you with this... (a pic from one of the greatest scenes in one of my favorite movies "the wedding date", and one of the best quotes from that movie) enjoy!!!

"oh, god. i think i've just come."

~TJ, kat's (debra messing) cousin, after seeing nick mercer (dermot mulroney) for the first time.

i feel like a monster...

2009-01-26T23:56:00.000-08:00

this is what my rollercoaster of emotions have left me feeling like lately...

what's wrong with me?
why do i feel like this?
i'm going crazy now

no more gas in the rig
can't even get it started
nothing heard, nothing said
can't even speak about it
all my life on my head
don't want to think about it
feels like i'm going insane
yeah

it's a thief in the night
to come and grab you
it can creep up inside you
and consume you
a disease of the mind
it can control you
it's too close for comfort

throw on your brake lights
we're in the city of wonder
ain't gonna play nice
watch out, you might just go under
better think twice
your train of thought will be altered
so if you must faulter be wise
your mind is in disturbia
it's like the darkness is the light
disturbia
am i scaring you tonight
disturbia
ain't used to what you like
disturbia
disturbia