many lives...

the arrangement of incident. a very specific detail to the ending results of every single experience. can i say i'm spinning? i'm lost in an entirety.

i'm lost.

i suppose life is not passing me by. i live many lives. many. my pen is running out of ink, otherwise i would try to explain the continuously discontinuous cause and effect that determines my numerous lives.

bartenders hear about all kinds of lives. confession of things bothering you, troubles, pain, forthcomings, frustrations, sorrows, discomfort, consequences, and heartbreaks. life. the incident of action? sure. frustration? sure, frustration. frustration. frustration.

"do not go gently into that good night." declares a certain dylan thomas.

quiet and nursing some sense of loss. mildly agitated with them. something of a masterful, you know. gaudy, demanding, needy, loving, sympathetic, attractive, sardonic, strident, complex, treacherous, and brightly-colored.

can i exhale now?

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drained...

so many thoughts and emotions and things running through my head right now.

so much so that it hurts.

and it's really not helping that i am exhausted. (...and i have been for weeks... and now i'm sick because of it.)

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anticipation and expectation...

gourmet pizza. a gorgeous man. nervous butterflies.

hmmm... what will the night hold in store???

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between green and gray...

i'm in a room full of people, hanging on one person's breath.
we would all vote him most likely to be loved to death.
i hope he still wants it, but it might remind him of when,
he aimed for the bulls eye and hit it nine times out of ten.
that one time his hand slipped, and i saw the dart sail away.
i don't know where it landed, but i'm guessing between green and gray.
well i thought nothing of it, but it still haunts him like a ghost.
with all eyes upon him, except two that matter the most.

he says "green is the color that everyone sees all around me.
gray is the color i see around her, she's just a blur."
the more the corwd cheers, the less i can hear
and they don't really care what i play. it might be for her,
but for now it's between green and gray.

we paid and we cheered, now we're gone and to us that feels right.
but for him every one of those evenings turns into a night.
with another hotel room where he lays awake to pretend
that he's doing fine with his notebook and discman for friends.

he says "green is the color that everyone sees all around me.
gray is the color i see around her, she's just a blur."
night after night what i hear, what i write fills the room
and my head starts to sway. it might be for her,
but for now it's between green and gray.

i want you to love me, he whispers, unable to speak.
and he wonders aloud why feelings so strong make the body so weak.
then he awoke, now he's scared to death somebody heard.
if it was you, and you know her, please don't say a word.

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flickering light...

its strange how people meet. how things can happen when you are least expecting them to. how things turn out exactly the opposite of how you thought they would.

random paths crossing...

he makes me smile.
he makes me nervous.
he makes me happy.

he makes me hope...

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holes...

"holes. in and around me. i keep falling back in to. holes. dig in and surround me. god knows what i'm going to do. to fill in these holes, left by you."

i just realized...

that is what i'm made up of.

holes.

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that's me...

hammer away in the most obvious fashion. do something. yes, do something.

a quotation. maybe. looked after and taken care of. ostrichization, hmm. an odd human societal quality. espionage, there's one. talk in a focused way. hypothetical relationships will begin to turn out. leads to larger understanding. you will see the four-leaf-clover and use the experience you have to speak the words using the best knowledge you have obtained.

saying interesting things. say them. i don't want to be the filler if the void is souly yours. a hope, a desire, things to look forward to bring that hope, that desire. visiting hours are 9 to 5, but if you show up at 10 past 6, well, i already know that you'll find someway to sneak me in, and ohh. wow. romantic fiction.

everything is headed in a different direction. things, stuff, clutter, etc. that's me. there's a lot going on in my life, in my head. that's me. the whatever group of whatever size? hmm.

a certain stage in this story. did i mention you should say them? yes. say them. differentiated in a certain way. a superior toughness. tragic yet pathetic. as far as that goes. does it make a difference? some people do not believe so. i do. do you?

make your argument. say your words.

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if you ever feel lonely...

carrie poses a perfect question...

"can you make a mistake and miss your fate?"

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like mud...

enlightenment. hmm. i wish i could be enlightened. i have a need to help people. i want to take care of everyone, except me. i suppose i don't want to admit to my problems, face them, analyze them, try to solve them,...

particular imaginative phenomenon. an object of my attention. confined to the information being revealed.

hurt.

i suppose i'm hurt, maybe confused. both probably. conversation. i need to hear things. consequently, i have a preference to the words i hear and accept, but will take the words as valued information desperately needed and use them to bandage the damage done to the core of a being so fragile that a serious traumatic experience such as this has wilted and broken its entirity.

confused?

how can i go on living in such despair? like mud, you may assume. don't assume, but yes. it scratches and coats. it inhibits and crushes. it lays a heavy pressure with its icy hands. it will swallow you and never hive up its winnings. pass it around, like champagne on a holiday.

poison?

no. just pass it around, let it go, de-burden those shoulders of the weight that holds down and suppresses such an avid intelligence and free-spirited soul. grounded? please disperse this pain and handle these bounds.

spread those wings.

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sleepless binge...

i am completely and utterly overtaken with exhaustion. i can't seem to comprehend basic things any longer. i am even more forgetful than normal. i am even more disorganized that my usual self. it's actually getting kind of ridiculous.

there have been numerous periods in my life that i have struggled with insomnia, problems sleeping, troubles staying asleep, or what have you. but this might even be worse. at least during those other dark sleepless days the little bit of sleep that i did get was decent... i just couldn't stay asleep.

these days the sleep i get is terrible. it's never very deep. i barely fall below the surface before i am waking up constantly. i toss and turn the whole night through. and when morning finally officially comes i not only feel like i just laid down, but i literally feel like i am hungover. and i don't normally get hungover (although it has happened a few times now that i am getting "older"). so even though i am not getting the enjoyment of a few too many spirited beverages, i wake up feeling like i did a couple rounds with my good friends jack and jose.

it was annoying at first. it then became a hassle. it then moved on to being a big frustration. it has now transitioned to being physically painful. i can't concentrate. its giving me ridiculous mood swings. i have constant headaches. i can't think straight. and my body physically hurts.

what i wouldn't give for a shoulder rub (one of my most favorite things in the world!).

seriously.

and what really takes the cake... my philosophy has always been that there are 2 reasons for living:
1) good food
2) good sleep

and since i'm trying to eat healthier and diet, i'm missing #1 and now i can't seem to get any #2. and its not like i have any fellas around to give me a shoulder rub, so... what does that leave me?

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flowers and endings...

we must get back inside. we are lost among faces.

"faces?" you say. no, you ask.

maybe not faces, souls, spirits, people, feelings, aspirations, expectations. can't i just say faces? serious, deadly serious, to regard something to be as serious as death.

well.

can you believe it? no, of course not. i'm lost. i do see flowers. lots of flowers. pink ones, purple, white yellow, green orange, brightly glowing. roses. rust colored roses, maybe the color of dried blood. huge gorgeous roses. red roses. red tipped, pink, and white roses.

flowers. wafting with thick perfume. a dizzy smell. a fragrance you drink in and can't stop until you are drunk with the rich heavy perfume.

flowers. i can imagine standing in a field filled with these flowers drinking in the smell and entranced by the colors.

flowers. i can see flowers on a corsage at the prom. flowers on the altar and held in a bouquet at a wedding. flowers for valentines, sickness, birthdays, anniversaries. flowers in a cabin. flowers on my casket at my funeral. flowers on my gravesite in the hot summertime.

flowers. do you see all the flowers? i hate flowers. i love flowers.

flowers. do you see all the flowers?

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lonesome... i know you too well.

it’s 3am and the snakes have moved in,
i’m playing to 4 drunks and me.
but the beer is cold and the memories old
and the lights are so bright i can't see.

and lonesome, i know you too well.
you ring in my ears, just like a bell.
and you're hollow, like a dark empty well.
lonesome... i know you too well.

...

now time stands still
and it spins like a wheel,
whenever i see her around.
but she doesn’t know and i’ll never show.
there’s to many eyes in this town.

and lonesome, i know you too well.
you ring in my ears, just like a bell.
and you're hollow, like a dark empty well.
lonesome... i know you...

it’s 3am and the snakes have moved in...

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trains and thoughts...

subordinate to everyone's wishes. here i am...

a story of a girl in a spot.

ahh! what have i done? now, everyone is cautious around me. psycho? me? no. unwitting, maybe. hmm. would death be good for me? death. sure. twists, all sorts of twists. under the general heading of irony.

what do you think of that?

attention. fixed and grey and dead. character in the moral ethical sense. the first thing they knew it was hot summertime. feeling terribly sleepy. what was it that i had done? a lovely image of deep purple. i turn off on college avenue.

right.

turn right. a similar kind of aesthetic appreciation. ones nature. you see? can you see the picture i've painted before you? a change of mind. of mind. devita. are you confused? it's "of and about life."

hmm. a kind of contrast in plasticity. or no? placidity.

maybe.

an expectation. refined individuals. still cautious. immaturity or simple maturity? not a moment later. a degree of darkness out the window. going to great lengths.

trouble?

highly probable. a keen attention speculating on reason. or unreasonable. insane. personally, that is too social. identify please... that's the end.

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scotch tape & scars that won't heal...

there is an uncontrollable desire that has overtaken my otherwise realistic senses...

the desire to be near him. next to him. with him.

no matter what the reason.

and then every time that i am with him. every time that he actually is next to me. every time i get to be close to him... it's the most wonderful thing in the world.

and the worst.



it actually hurts.

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photographs & memories...

i keep your picture by my bed
for when i'm feeling sad,
and i don't know why i would be.
the way your smile looks so real
i feel like i could start to understand your grace.
but i...
i don't understand why you're not here with me.
and i...
i don't even wanna know where else
you'd be.

cause i have photographs and memories of the times
when you weren't on my mind and i was alone.
and i have poetry and drawings of my life
when you weren't on my side and i didn't know
just what is love...

writing moments on the wall with different colors
keeps my mind away from missing you.
and i can't wait to fall asleep
to slip into my dreams,
where we can dance upon a star..
and i...
will be as patient as a boy in love could ever be.
and i...
don't feel like i was real until you were
a part of me.

cause i have photographs and memories of the times
when you weren't on my mind and i was alone.
and i have poetry and drawings of my life
when you weren't on my side and i didn't know
just what is...

i need you back, i need you back,
i need you here.
i need your smile, i need your eyes,
i need you dear.

every line on your face
makes a beautiful maze
for my eyes to trace...

photographs and memories of the time
you weren't on my mind,
and i was alone...

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