hmmm, what's my "but"?...

as you all know, i'm semi-addicted to how i met your mother. now understand that i go on and on about my love for barney stinson because i just started watching it a few months ago. i know, i know! that's blasphemous! but i needed something distracting to watch so one of my dvd-addicted friends let me borrow season 1 and 2 of HIMYM. (and i just got season 3 in from netflix). so yes... i'm late to the game. don't judge.

i was watching season 3 disc 1 last night while i was whipping up a batch of my famous beer dip for a bbq after work today and episode 3.04 "little boys" came on... here is a little taste of the beginning...

lily: so, robin, i've got a guy for you. he's cute, he's funny, he's smart.
ted: what's his 'but'?
lily: what do you mean?
ted: when someone wants to set you up they always tell you the good qualities first but then they leave out their huge flaw.

(flashback to maclaren's, barney telling ted about a girl)

barney: she's totally hot and really fun.
barney: (to himself) but she has a dead tooth.

(flashback to maclaren's, marshall telling ted about a girl)

marshall: she's superhot and she's so successful.
marshall: (to himself) but she has a pug that she pushes around in a stroller.

(flashback to maclaren's, lily and ted sit at booth, lily tells ted about a girl)

lily: she's so cute and she's so smart.
lily: (to herself) but her last boyfriend had to get a restraining order against her and then his cat and new vacuum cleaner both went missing.
ted: wow, set it up.

(back to present scene)

ted: i'm still convinced she killed my turtle.
robin: hey, you know what, not every setup has a 'but'. what about, um, jamie, that girl that lily set you up with? she was really nice.
barney: if memory serves me, she had a huge 'but'. her huge butt. nailed it!

and then a bit later...

robin: yeah. hey, what's my 'but'? you know, i'm really nice, but...
ted: (to himself) but she's afraid of commitment.
lily: (to herself) but she's a gun nut.
barney: (to himself) but she's canadian.
marshall: (to himself) but she didn't like field of dreams.
barney: i can't think of anything.
ted: you don't have a 'but'.

so that got me thinking... what's my "but"?

i could probably guess (i push people away, i don't let people in, apparently i'm intimidating, i'm emotional, my actual butt, lol...) but i don't really know. i wonder what other people would say...

what's your "but"???

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everyone, meet mr. west (part 3)...

(now i warned you all at the beginning that this was looooooooonnnng... sorry.)

so there i was sitting in my office on friday afternoon, all by myself. no, really. i was all. by. myself. it seems that with finals upon us and may term ahead of us everyone in the department peaced out friday afternoon. i had been going back and forth all day about whether or not i should/would/could take the trip to AZ. literally ALL day. i had woken up somewhere around 6am after a wee 3ish hours of sleep. or something that sort of resembled sleep anyway, and i laid in bed thinking to myself... "yes, i'm going." "nah, i shouldn't go." "but yeah, i'm gonna go." "no, i can't go."

i text mr. west and he said that he was cleaning their condo (aka bathroom!) so that it would be decent for a lady to stay in and he had already made plans for the entire day saturday.

my mind was still going back and forth. and for lots of reasons, not just the last minute trip (which i normally prepare for mentally days in advance... like what to pack!!!) or staying awake on the long drive, but also, what was going to happen between us? and what did i want to happen?

i proceeded to do this throughout the entire day until finally i realized that no one else was working, why should i be? and what the hell else and i going to do this weekend? sure i could have caught up on my life and done the 73 loads of laundry i have, or any of those other mundane things responsible adults should do, but who wants to be a responsible adult? i sure don't.

so i left work early (not that anyone noticed) and headed home to finally get something to eat, take a shower, and pack my bag. i text mr. west that i was on my way and with that i was out the door with a rockstar in my hand, sunglasses on my face and a load of cd's under my arm.

and after approximately 5 hours, at around 10pm, i made it to AZ and pulled up outside of mr. west's condo.

he was just pulling up behind me after running to the gas station and i felt butterflies in my stomach at the thought of seeing him in person and having him see me. he got out of his car and looked just as gorgeous as ever. (its really hard to describe but he just has this way about him... this confident but not cocky, familiar but yet not, perfect with so many imperfections) and the first thing he says to me - one of the best possible compliments that you could ever hope to get from him - he compared how good he thought that i looked to halle berry. now let me just explain that one just a bit... no, i do not look anything like halle berry. but to him, she is the most perfectly gorgeous woman on the planet and he's even said he would drink her bath water. soooo... being compared to her by him - epic.

just being able to walk up to him and have him wrap his arms around me again... definitely worth the trip.

so we hugged, he told me how much he liked my whip, we talked, he complimented me again, we hugged again, and he showed me around his place. then we made a late night trip to the store to get a few things. it was funny for me because he kept asking me if i needed anything, want to buy something for me. it's not that he was trying to impress me, or show off, i think it made him feel good that he can do that now. when we were "together" in undergrad he was working 3 jobs to make it through school and i was working 50 hours a week, on top of my full course load, just to pay the bills. come to think of it... i'm not quite sure how either one of use survived and even had time to study and get the amazing grades we did - let alone spend time with each other.

the best part of the night was laying down next to him though. just being able to lay down knowing he was right there next to me, to hear him breathing, to be able to tangle my arms and legs over him, to be able to take a deep breath and just exhale and relax. it was so nice. and being able to just turn my head and kiss him wasn't bad either. ;o) he did then ask me where the ring was (because i wasn't wearing it). i told him it was in my jewelery case in my luggage. he wondered why it was in my luggage and i told him honestly that i don't wear it all the time. and all he said was as long as you still have it... we'll talk about that later (reference number one to the "issue" at hand...)

now i'm sure you don't want to hear every single detail of our weekend together so i'll try to summarize and only emphasis the important parts...

now mr. west loves to sleep in - on the rare occasion that he gets the opportunity. but you all know me. i don't sleep. i just can't seem to get a good nights sleep more than a few times every few weeks. and i definitely don't sleep in. i was prepared and had brought my old copy of "slaughterhouse five" to keep me entertained but mr . west had other ideas. when he woke up in the morning and looked over and saw me reading - instead of rolling over and going back to sleep - he got up, put on his clothes and drove me to starbucks (since they didn't have food in the house for breakfast or have any coffee, they didn't even have a coffee maker!!! bachelors, lol.) we then made our way to barnes & noble because we both agree that it's one of the best stores in existence.

after perusing the shelves, we made our way back home so we could get ready for the day. we went sightseeing and shopping, out for happy hour with one of our friends from undergrad, ry (one of his fraternity brothers) and then headed back home to change and pick up one of the roomies for our dinner and a night out on the town.

and while i was getting ready, ry was surfing the interwebs, and mr. west was obsessively ironing his shirt for the evening, we had a nice time reminiscing about some of the hi-jinks we had gotten ourselves into in the "good ol' days". it was fun to think about all those good times and interesting to hear the guys tell their version of some of the stories. i picked up on a lot of references to me by both rymr. west that made me realize i was more a part of their life than i thought. i always considered them good friends of mine, and i always wanted to be in mr. west's life, but for some reason i didn't really think that they thought of me the same way. (low self-esteem much? you betcha!)

i had been nervous all day about going out. i wanted to make sure that i looked my best, that i was wearing something mr. west liked, that i wasn't over or under dressed. hey, it was the first time going out with them in years and my first time going out in AZ,i'm a girl, gimme a break people!

it was nice when i walked out of the bathroom and mr. west looks at me and the first thing he says is "girl, you look good."

we made our way to this great pub for dinner and then out down on mill st. which is apparently, the place to be. we went from bar to club to bar. drinking, dancing, drinking, and having a blast. it was nice to be out at some "real" clubs and bar. and with 3 gorgeous men no less! they were really sweet, too. my hand was never without a drink, if any of them went to the bathroom or the bar the others stayed right next to me the entire time, and on the dance floor no other guy got within feet of me... which was an accomplishment at some of the clubs that were just packed with people! lol.

now throughout the weekend mr. west had made numerous comments about how i looked and how much weight i had lost since he had last seen me. now i have lost some weight since being in california but by no means do i weigh what i did when i was a freshman in college (who does? lol). he kept saying that he had to fatten me up - although he did make sure to comment on the fact that i still had the ass. which i do! now i tell you this because as we were making our way back to the car after stopping at just one last club i was walking a little way ahead of the fellas and drunkenly dancing around the square holding my little black shirt up so that the nice breeze would cool me down a little - it gets hot and sweaty when you are dancing up a storm! anyway, the guys were all talking about some unfortunate chicky that should not have been dancing on the pole in the last club, when mr. west stops and looks up at me dancing around in front of them with my shirt half off trying to cool down and says "girl, there is just no way you are not going to be mrs. west." and then continues talking to the fellas, slyly dropping a comment about how unbelievable it is that i could have abs like that with an ass like mine. leaving me to stare drunkenly after them in awe (only the second reference to the "issues" at hand all weekend...).

we made it home and after a shower or two, we made it into bed (and i'm only sharing this part because of the conversation that was had so get your minds out of the gutter, this isn't going to be a play by play!!!lol.) after he gave me one of his perfect kisses he says to me "so if i asked you, what would you say?"

out of the blue. no working up to it, no preface, no introduction.

and i didn't know what to say. partly because i didn't want him to ask me right then and partly because i did. the sane part of me knows full well that we actually need to give the "relationship" thing a shot before we start talking about planning the honeymoon but there is definitely a large percentage of me that is NOT the "sane" part of me.

so my reply...

ME: "you know that i love you."
MR. WEST: "so that 's a no?"
ME: "no, not at all, its just... that..."
MR. WEST: "i'm not saying that i am going to ask you right now... but when i do..."
ME: "we'll just have to see what happens..."
MR. WEST: "when i do the ring is going to be platinum and gorgeous, just like you..."
ME: "you know i don't care about that."
MR. WEST: "i know you don't. you are probably the only woman that doesn't. but you should."
ME: "it's not about that."
MR. WEST: "but you deserve it. i'm going to get myself settled, i'm going to make some millions, then i'm going to give jacob the jeweler a call... you won't be able to say no."
ME: laughing "you let me know when you get all that taken care of... i'll be here."
MR. WEST: "so if i asked you, what would you say?"
ME: "i love you."
MR. WEST: "i love you, too."

and sunday was just as wonderful. he got mad at me for letting him sleep and not waking him up to go get me coffee... but seeing as it was his day off and i was on "vacation" and we hadn't gone to sleep until after 4am, i talked him out of being angry with me. ;o)

we spent the day chilling out, sightseeing some more, and having the best lunch. it was a wonderful day. way too hot, but wonderful. we talked a little bit about the future, but nothing like he had brought up the night before (he doesn't talk about emotions like that very often). he did talk about his move back to themidwest and how happy he was about it. he also tried to talk me into finding a job close to his hometown. which isn't out of the question, not that i am going to plan my life around him just yet. he also talked about how i have to gain some weight if i want to make a good impression on his mama, lol. oh and how i have to change my mind about not wanting any kids, because i have to have kids to pass on the "west" name, not too mention our little mixed babies would be GORGEOUS. which they totally would be!!! :o) the deal we made is that after he makes his first million, i will seriously reconsider - and then ultimately have - the first (of many) little gorgeous babies. lol.

as i packed up to leave late sunday evening i was torn between being sad about leaving and being happy knowing how much i mean to him. it was hard to say goodbye to him again.

but i left knowing that whatever happens between us, he'll always hold a very special place in my heart. always. and i apparently hold a special place in his heart as well.

and 5 hours later, when i called him to let him know that i made it home alright, he still made me nervous - in a good way.

we've only talked a few brief times since the weekend. but the one thing he always says - "i miss you." and that makes me heart swell up.

i really don't know what will happen between us... maybe it was meant to be and the pieces just haven't fallen into place quite right just yet. maybe we will never end up being in the same place at the same time. maybe i'll always keep my heart unavailable and he will never decide to open up. but no matter what... i hope he knows just how absolutely wonderful he is and how important he is/was and always will be to me.

oh so many thoughts going on in my head...

(and yes, i do still have the ring.)

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everyone, meet mr. west (part 2)...

(enjoy part 2 of the mr. west saga... while i am on a field trip to magic mountain with a crew of my students!)

so there we were... mr. west and i entangled in a "relationship" that was still never defined, but oddly lasting over time and distance...

mr. west flew from AZ to see me (about 2 years ago exactly) while i was finishing up grad school and things were great, seeing him again was just like old times (well maybe not entirely like old times... we had grown up quite a bit, but damn was he still handsome, lol.) but i have to admit, i was distracted trying to wrap up school, my upcoming comps, teaching, and being consumed with my assistantship. so i didn't really know what i was in for.

now keep in mind, he's always joked that we were going to get married some day, that i was going to be his baby's mama, that his family was going to love me. we even made the "my best friend's wedding" deal with each other, but never really specified an age. we've even talked about whether or not my family would approve of him, he knows that he really needs to be on my ma's good side ( just like i have to get his mama's approval) and i always reassured him that she would adore him as long as he was good to me. my father being another story. but we've come a long way on that front... hell, i even got him to vote for Obama! but we've ALWAYS joked about that sort of thing. he tells me how gorgeous our babies would be (which they would be, lol.), and how he is going to take care of me, and wonders how he is going to but up with me (when he knows he really has to worry about how i'm going to put up with him)... it's what we do.

anyway... i digress. not all that long after he visited me when i was in grad school he sent me a package. in the package, a ring box and a note. in the box, a very lovely (but definitely not ME, i don't wear gold - unless its white gold, and i like simple, retro... wondering does he even know me???) ring. very lovely and very clearly an engagement ring. now why would someone send an engagement ring to someone in the mail you might ask? i wondered the same thing. now why would someone send an engagement ring to someone they've never "really" dated and weren't currently dating you might ask? i wondered the same thing. now what in the world did the note say you might ask?

"i love ya, mr. west."

yes, it said "ya". ladies... do you know what that means? oh yes, so do i. fellas... do YOU know what that means? i sure as hell hope so.

and that was it. that was the package. that was the ring. and that was the note.

our next phone conversation:

MR. WEST: "did you get the ring?"
ME: "yes."
MR. WEST: "good."

and that was it! he never asked anything more about it. i never asked more about it. (why you ask? well i was afraid. i didn't want him to ask because i knew i had to say no and i was sure that if he asked me then he would never ask me again when i would be ready to say yes.) my friends were shocked that i didn't send it back. (i do still have it. to be completely honest with you all, i even wear it sometimes). but i couldn't send it back, not unless he asked me to. that would have been one hell of a blow to his ego and it would have closed doors that i didn't want closed.

so almost 2 years later, we are still in touch, we are both still single, and i've been thinking about him so much lately. he's been talking about wanting to come and see me, but considering i was in the state and not working for somewhere around 15 seconds of the last semester it just hasn't worked out. he finally made plans to fly out this next weekend but then i find out this past thursday that he can't make it. he put in his papers to be transferred back to the midwest (closer to his home, his family, and out of the AZ heat) and so he had to meet with the district managers, etc, etc. i had been so excited to see him... and disappointment is just not handled well on my part. ya'll remember the trip #23 was supposed to make? yeah, so needless to say i was devastated. part of the reason i went out and drowned my sorrows thursday night. i was in a very down mood and this just tipped the scales.

so apparently mr. west and i had a very drunken (on my part) conversation late thursday night and talked about how he had saturday and sunday off and i may or may not have mentioned coming to see him. so in my exhausted, depressed, stressed state on friday afternoon i decided that while a 5 hour car ride was a bitch, i only live once and i just needed to see mr. west before i live the rest of my one life always wondering what if...

and that sets the stage for my impromptu trip to AZ... stay tuned.


on a very personal sidenote: have you noticed a pattern here? i let these fellas get close but just not too close... damn. i guess that is why people make comments about me having fellas all over the place... hmmm. it's easier for me to excited about someone that lives across the country, or is completely unavailable, because i'm not at such a risk of having to let them in... think about it - mr. west, the ranger, The Man, #23, "rob lowe", the dr. - all of them... i bring it all on myself...

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everyone, meet mr. west (part 1)...

(i'm sorry this ended up being SO long!!!)

so i think i have some explaining to do. or maybe a LOT...

with that, i'd like you all to meet mr. west. we met in undergrad. we officially "met" my junior year (he was a sophomore, but we are the same age - what? i'm a smarty pants, sorry. and yes, it's strange he's my age, lol.) i knew who he was before that. i think most people did. lol. he's hard to miss. he's gorgeous (like kanye west gorgeous - hence the name). smart. driven. but he's cocky and extremely moody. not too mention he is a mama's boy. lol.

like i said, i knew who he was before we actually met but we eventually ended up running with some of the same crowd - his fraternity and my sorority were pretty close. and i happened to be in most of the same classes as his roommate.

i suppose we officially met at one of our fraternity/sorority mixers (ahhh, memories...) but i was seeing someone at the time and he was somewhere in the middle of having very intense drama with his soon to be ex-girlfriend. we both had our fair share of relationship issues during undergrad. i consumed with "the one" and he was going through something very similar with his gf at the time. i guess we "dated" off and on over the course of the next few years. sometimes more than others. we were never a "couple" even though i wanted to be. i was never willing to push him (hell even nudge him) because i knew that he was having a hard time getting over his ex and i understood that. also, i was never really sure of his feelings towards me. he isn't easy to read and he definitely doesn't take sharing his feelings lightly. apparently he felt a lot more towards me than i realized... but i'm only finding that out now.

he intimidates me. and i don't really mean that in a bad way, but he does. being with him wasn't like it was with other guys. i wasn't always "comfortable". basically the opposite of how i felt with the ranger, both good, but very different (and yes... the ranger is one of his fraternity brothers, lol.) does that make sense? i always wanted him to be happy, i was always wondering what he was thinking, i was always hoping that i was good enough for him, i always wanted to make him happy. and i don't mean any of those things in a bad way. i felt those things because of how important he was to me. if i didn't care about him, i wouldn't have worried about it. i would have been "comfortable" doing whatever i wanted and not worrying about if it made him happy or not and i wanted to be the best version of myself not just to make him happy, but because i was happier that way, too.

but i never really let him know how i felt.

we've had a lot of really great times together. some of my favorite memories. both the good ones and the not so good ones.

i think we were both scared of getting hurt again. and our "relationship" was never really defined and i had myself convinced that he didn't feel the same way about me that i felt about him.

fast forward a bit and i graduate college while he is still finishing classes. i end up moving but i still visit him off and on... in the meantime, i was going through a phase trying to get over "the one" and adjust to life outside of the college bubble. if you've ever seen "down with love" you'll understand what i mean when i say that i was "dating like a guy". i told myself that i didn't care if they cared about me because i never left them get close enough to hurt me. if i felt like they were getting attached... i cut them out of my life. and there were plenty of fellas around that appreciated that i didn't want anything from them emotionally. were they using me? sure. but i used them right back. and at the time i thought it was making me happy. i know better now, but you know what? i wouldn't change it. i needed that time in my life. i needed it to better understand who i am now. i needed it to make sense of what was going on with me. i needed it to be able to get the affection that i wasn't getting anywhere else, even if it was trivial. (and yes, i wasn't getting it from my family either... but that's another story).

you can judge me for the things that i've done, or the way i've lived my life but you'll never really understand unless you are me. so go on and make your assumptions, but i don't want to hear it. so save it.

meanwhile, mr. west and i stayed in touch but we might've hit a bit of a rough patch when one of the times i returned to see him i ended up chilling with one of fraternity brothers. WAIT! before you jump to hating on me, understand this: i REALLY had no idea that mr. west felt ANYTHING of ANY significance for me. i was convinced that i was just another girl in his back pocket and if you knew the situation you would probably agree. honestly, i'm not even finding out how he felt about me then (i'm talking over 4 years ago people!) until now, and that took talking to some of our other friends.

well, things worked out after an extremely intense evening of people climbing on roofs, cops being called, and me calling in a tip and driving the get-away blazer... haha, long story. but we still went our separate ways. i was living in a different state and planning my move to grad school and then he up and moved to AZ with a couple of his fraternity brothers...


to be continued...

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keirsey makes me crazy...

so i recently took the keirsey personality test again... i hadn't taken it since undergrad. this is what i found out: INFP: you have a capacity for caring that is deeper than most. you strive for unity, are fascinated by the battles between good and evil, and can be something of an Idealist. only 1% of the population shares your type.


all Idealists (NFs) share the following core characteristics:

• Idealists are enthusiastic, they trust their intuition, yearn for romance, seek their true self, prize meaningful relationships, and dream of attaining wisdom.
• Idealists pride themselves on being loving, kindhearted, and authentic.
• Idealists tend to be giving, trusting, spiritual, and they are focused on personal journeys and human potentials.
• Idealists make intense mates, nurturing parents, and inspirational leaders.

Idealist portrait of the Healer (INFP)

Healers present a calm and serene face to the world, and can seem shy, even distant around others. but inside they're anything but serene, having a capacity for personal caring rarely found in the other types. Healers care deeply about the inner life of a few special persons, or about a favorite cause in the world at large. and their great passion is to heal the conflicts that trouble individuals, or that divide groups, and thus to bring wholeness, or health, to themselves, their loved ones, and their community.

Healers have a profound sense of idealism that comes from a strong personal sense of right and wrong. they conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place, full of wondrous possibilities and potential goods. in fact, to understand Healers, we must understand that their deep commitment to the positive and the good is almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. set off from the rest of humanity by their privacy and scarcity (around one percent of the population), Healers can feel even more isolated in the purity of their idealism.

also, Healers might well feel a sense of separation because of their often misunderstood childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood-they are the prince or princess of fairy tales-an attitude which, sadly, is frowned upon, or even punished, by many parents. with parents who want them to get their head out of the clouds, Healers begin to believe they are bad to be so fanciful, so dreamy, and can come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. in truth, they are quite ok just as they are, only different from most others-swans reared in a family of ducks.

as a romantic partner, you are usually supportive and nurturing, however, you have a high need for individuality. harmony is extremely important to you as you are very affected by conflict and tension, which also makes you resist confronting your partner directly about problems. when you get angry, you usually blame yourself, rather than your partner. you can also be stubborn and unyielding when you feel you are being criticized or mistreated. you feel the most appreciated when your partner listens to you carefully. you need to be understood. you need to hear your partner express their feelings, the more often, the better.

at work, Healers are adaptable, welcome new ideas and new information, are patient with complicated situations, but impatient with routine details. Healers are keenly aware of people and their feelings, and relate well with most others. because of their deep-seated reserve, however, they can work quite happily alone. when making decisions, Healers follow their heart not their head, which means they can make errors of fact, but seldom of feeling. they have a natural interest in scholarly activities and demonstrate, like the other Idealists, a remarkable facility with language. they have a gift for interpreting stories, as well as for creating them, and thus often write in lyric, poetic fashion. frequently they hear a call to go forth into the world and help others, a call they seem ready to answer, even if they must sacrifice their own comfort.

princess diana, richard gere, audrey hephurn, albert schweiter, george orwell, karen armstrong, aldous huxley, mia farrow, and isabel meyers are examples of Healer Idealists.

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homemade pizza and a beer...

alright, before i get into the emotional stuff, let's recap:

because i am a good friend (or at least i try to be) about a week and a half ago on thursday night i went out for dinner with some friends for veedub's birthday... and because everyone but the dr. and i went home right after dinner i felt obligated to head out with them for a birthday drink at our bar (partly because veedub joined me for my birthday and partly because i know what it's like to have a lame birthday). an you know what happens when i head to our bar...

i get ridiculous. then start dancing. and flirting. and just can't stop taking shots. (and eventually i take my pants off...)

and of course, all of my favorite peeps were there, jack sparrow, JD, and of course... charles ingalls (who i got a few kisses and a few drinks from, lol.) and of course they were all wondering where i'd been...

so i ended up staying out way to late and getting way to drunk... heehee. (but i did wait until i got home to take off my pants... this time.) which wouldn't have been bad except i still had to pack for my mini-holiday break and leave for the airport at 4:30 am!!!

i am a glutton for punishment. haha.

anyway... i made it (barely), passed out on the planes, and was completely exhausted, but too excited to see my sisters and present at the conference to let myself slow down. so i spent the first weekend at another conference... the last leg in my tour for february. and i have to say that it was absolutely amazing! my sisters are wonderful, my sessions went so great, and don't even get me started on the hotel. can anyone say polynesian getaway in the middle of winter??? we took to referring to it as TIKILAND. heehee. it was unforgettable. i managed to get second place in our annual euchre tourney for the second year in a row which was fun (but one of these years i am going to win!!!) and spend time with my favorite asians.

after the conference was over i headed even farther north into the upper midwest to enjoy a week of sleeping, eating, napping, drinking, watching movies, dozing off, and having fun away from work! i'm pretty sure that i slept all of monday and tuesday besides eating, sleeping, and a couple movies. after that i was up for some shopping, heading out to a basketball game, seeing some friends and family, drinks and bar darts (which i LOVE!), and an epic hockey game!

i stayed most of the week with one of my old pals, fresh. he now lives in an old farm house with 4 guys in a sort of hostel. there are guys coming and going, staying for a few days here and there, popping in for video games, beers, basketball. all in all, a scene i pretty much dig, EXCEPT: the ONE bathroom! it was awful! dirty, small, NO outlets! seriously... there were NO outlets! ladies, trust me when i tell you that i did my best to convince those fellas that if they ever hoped to have an ladies stay there on any sort of regular basis they needed to remedy that situation. and fast. lol.

oh and the hockey game... let's just say that it was preempted by me eating my weight in wings, it was dollar beer night at the arena, there were people kicked out in the first 3 minutes, i witnessed one of the best and bloodiest hockey fights ever, and i made new friends! heehee... and by friends i mean the guys in the 2 rows in front of us (we were in the third row behind the players box) that were amused by my amazing decibel level and clever antics when yelling at the players, coaches, refs, fans, whoever or whatever i could think of to yell at! what can i say... i'm loud. (did i ever tell you that i was once told to "QUIET DOWN" by a REF at a HOCKEY GAME? seriously. no joke. they skated over to the glass, pointed at me, and told me to "QUIET DOWN!" ahh, but i digress...) they were amused... the one fellas girlfriend, not so amused. but hey, she was lame and had no idea what was going on anyway. it was a blast and we kicked the other teams ass!

and so yeah... i also got to enjoy a really comfy hotel suite, a trip to a giant bass pro shop, yummy food at my favorite restaurants, snowstorms and -20 degree weather, and some great clearance shopping.

it was GREAT!

i was sad to have to come back to socal.

unfortunately, i have tons and tons of work that has been waiting for my return and i just can't seem to shake this melancholy mood that has taken over.

and i think i know what started it (its not all of it, but i think it is what started it).

#23.

originally, i planned on extending my conference trip so i could spend the rest of the week with #23. but since that fell apart i had to make other plans. and yes, it was great to have the time off and catch up with friends and family, in the back of my mind i knew i was supposed to be seeing #23. and i think that a part of me was hoping that i would get to see him. nothing serious. just something like dinner or drinks, a little catch up.

and it's not even that i was hoping he'd see me and realize he made a mistake. because i really don't think it's the right time for us... and timing is everything. it's that i was really hoping that we would be able to be friends.

we kind of skipped that part and if given the chance, i think we would make quite good friends. but unfortunately, it looks as though that isn't going to happen.

and i know, we live far apart, we have separate lives, we have plenty of other friends. i guess i just thought that there was enough between us that we would be good for each other.... as friends.

but alas, he doesn't return my calls, or my e-mails, or my texts. and that's that. so now what do i do? i need to stop thinking of him and just stop trying. so how do i do that when there are little things that make me think of him that only he would understand, or things that make me laugh that only he would laugh at with me, or things that happen that i only want to share with him? maybe i should cut him out, delete him from my facebook/myspace/phone, etc. ugh, i don't know.

what i do know is that it got me into a funk and now i can't stop thinking too much. thinking too much about what in the world is going on with the ranger. thinking too much about how much mr. west wants to come and see me. thinking too much about how it seems that fresh is looking at me as more than friends these days. thinking about what in the world i am going to do about the dr. thinking about whet i'm going to do and where in the world i am going to go and if i'm going to have to do it all alone.

and all i want is my happy, positive mood back. ugh...

oh and my boys were pissed that i was gone (again). and i can't blame them... but at least buddy has willie to hang out with (terrorize) when i'm gone now. the dr. played cat sitter for me again, which i appreciate beyond comprehension. and when i return sunday night they were surely not going to let me sleep... they wanted attention from mom and they were not going to have it any other way.

so much for catching up on my sleep... lol.

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the winds that blow remind me, of what has been, and what can never be...

i've been struggling while attempting to summarize this past weekend.

not sure of what to say or how to go about saying it. but i feel like no matter how it ends up coming out... i need to say something.

it all started friday... besides staying out way too late and drinking way too much on thursday night, i was doing rather well for being so excited (nervous) i couldn't sit still. i picked the ranger up at the airport (and even though it was pouring buckets and traffic was terrible, i was only 10 minutes late!) and he greated me with a rose and before he said he even said hello he asked...

"will you be my valentine?"

and that small exchange sets the example for exactly how the rest of the weekend works out. wonderful.

i will keep all the specific details to a minimum... they are still floating lazily through my thoughts, reminding me of all the special moments that we shared between us in the short time we had together. let's just say that there was lots of laughter, smiles, drinks, my first drunken trips to Denny's, entwined hands, stories, hugs, the rangers first visit to In-n-Out, jokes, sightseeing, mini golf, good food, more drinks, bowling alley karaoke, and kisses. we acted like tourists and long lost loves. we fell right back in to "comfortable" and it felt amazing.

and it was so completely unexplainable to be able to lay down next to someone that i love at the end of the day and have his arm around me as i fall asleep listening to his slow steady breathing like a lullaby.

and it started to hit me as we were laying in bed sunday night and he was telling me about how he gets depressed every time he has to leave someplace. and i told him that he couldn't feel that way yet... because we still had the night and the morning. but inside i completely agreed and my heart was already starting to ache.

i held in my emotions as i drove him back to the airport. i didn't let it hit me until i was on my way home. and again at work. and again on my dinner break. and again after my late meetings. and again as i was laying in bed...

alone.

we figured out that before new years it had been over 4 years since we had actually seen each other in person. it didn't feel that long. but thinking about going that long without seeing him again makes me ache. and knowing that he is only going to be in NC until the end of the year and then he is moving to Germany for what could be 2 years or more doesn't really make the future any brighter... or clearer.

and now i'm forced to face climbing into bed alone again tonight.

maybe i'll sleep on the couch...

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alright, alright... here are my "25 random things"...

alright… i finally gave in…


Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.


1. my favorite color in the world is orange… but i love to wear black (debra messing said redheads look hot in black, and she is right!!!), shades of blue calm me down, and i used to wish my gray eyes were green but now i wouldn’t change them a bit.

2. i have 2 cats, buddy and willie. i’ve had buddy since undergrad and he has moved to 3 different states, driven across the country, and lived in 6 (?) different apartments with me! i would be lost without him, he is such a momma’s boy, too! he greets me at the door, gives kisses on command and always cuddles with me. willie on the other hand is quite the handful… i just got him in september and he is definitely still in kitten mode. actually, i think he may be a dog. no joke. he chews everything (and usually eats it!), begs for food, and talks a lot! but all in all, you really can’t beat laying in bed and having each one of my little sweets curled up in the crook of my elbow or in between my knees…

3. i hate talking on the phone… a lot. i love texting, IM’ing, e-mail, facebook, myspace, whatever… but no phone calls. Oh and i hate leaving messages or checking my voicemail… weird, right?

4. i’m not a girly girl (by any means) but i love makeup! it’s like getting to paint-by-numbers your face, in different colors in different ways – everyday! i guess that is the artist in me…

5. speaking of art… i have a bachelor of fine arts degree in graphic communication and a masters of science – education in college student development and administration. and i LOVE learning.. it’s fun for me! right now i am using my master’s degree in my current profession and my graphics degree on the side (and for fun)… but sometimes i wonder if that will ever reverse itself???

6. i am a member of a sorority and am so grateful for each and every wonderfully amazing, talented, brilliant sister i have in my life because of it. Not too mention all the magnificent opportunities!

7. i am completely enthralled with all things retro. i’m talking 1950’s here people. i think i was born in the wrong time! someday i want a completely retro kitchen… and the outfits to go with it!!!

8. i am slightly obsessed with music. and my iTunes. and my iTunes playlists. seriously. and i listen to everything from country to hip-hop. not too mention i have to have music playing AT ALL TIMES. what can i say? the soundtrack to my life is AHHH-mazing!

9. i don’t watch tv anymore (1. because i am never home 2. because i can’t justify paying for cable when i am never home 3. there’s not much on that i want to watch anyway 4. i’d rather watch a movie, yay netflix!) but when i did my favorite shows were, and always will be, gilmore girls and my so-called life!!! i can totally relate to angela chase, I still have a huge crush on jordan catalano… and who doesn’t want to grow up to be lorelai gilmore and have her wardrobe?!?!

10. i am a redhead. a real one. and i love it!

11. my favorite food is cheese. but some people don’t consider that a valid answer because it is not a meal (bah, i say it is!) so my alternative answers would be pizza and gnocchi! and chocolate!!! yum!

12. my favorite season is fall. i love the chilly weather, the leaves, the smell. i love the clothes, scarves, sweaters, and sweatshirts. football season! october is my favorite month, my birthday, and halloween. (other favorites include, but are not limited to: chapstick, shoulder rubs, laughing so hard i sound like an owl, dancing, checking things off my to-do list(s), swimming, staying in a hotel, candles, traveling, mountain dew, m&m’s, busting out a rap, making people happy, and smelling good…)

13. i’m not what i appear to be on first impression. there is a lot more to me and it usually surprises most people when they get to know me further.

14. i absolutely LOVE the green bay packers! i’ve been a huge fan for pretty much my entire life and i am not a fair-weather fan… i’m standing behind my team win or lose! GO PACK GO!

15. i am ridiculously scared of spiders! to an insane level. it makes me physically upset just thinking about them…

16. i have about a million favorite movies but some of my all-times are: sixteen candles (i have the hugest crush on jake ryan and who doesn’t secretly want to be molly ringwald?!?) and the goonies (because who didn’t always want to go hunting for treasures with all of your best friends?).

17. i am my own worst critic. i am very judgmental of myself. i never think that what i do is good enough. and it makes for some seriously low self-esteem and little to no self-worth on my part… not to mention i put everyone and everything in front of myself. but if you ever need anything… just ask. i’ll do whatever i can to make sure you get what you need!

18. i absolutely love to read. i think i get this from my mom. i read every night before i go to bed. stephen king is by far my favorite author. actually… i think he is a god. i have read almost every single one of his books at least 3 times (if not more) and i own almost every one of them also (some i own 2 and 3 copies of…). but i’ll read just about anything i can get my hands on. someday i want a library in my house… books and comfortable chairs and lots of lamps (no overhead lighting… eew!).

19. i have the most amazing friends… all over the country. and i’d be lost with out them. (thank you!)

20. i LOVE the midwest! i miss it so much… the weather, the people, everything! and along with that… i LOVE my family… from my parents to my sisters and brother, to all of my millions of cousins. my family is crazy and amazing and i wish i lived closer to them… they are all so wonderful and unique! it makes my heart swell with happiness just being around them all! i miss them SO much.

21. i am an extremely passionate person. when i care about something/someone, or when something/someone is important to me, i give it my all. (even little things – like the fact that i will always love the packers, i prefer chevy to ford, and i love macs and think PC’s are crap, hee hee!).

22. i am overly sensitive and defensive. i put on a tough act, but really i’m a big ol’ softy and way too emotional for my own good. this makes for some tough relationships… also, i’m an empathy. which i love. but it’s also really hard on me as well. it makes me a quality friend and very good at my profession (i think?). but it weighs heavily on my heart, shoulders, and mind…

23. i enjoy cooking and baking (just not cleaning up afterward!). and one of my favorite hobbies is decorating cakes, cupcakes, and cookies! how much fun is creating art made of deliciousness?!?

24. i love to sleep! unfortunately, i have had trouble sleeping on and off for the past few years and it has taken a toll on me. i’m talking only 3 and 4 hours of sleep a night here people! i just can’t seem to stay asleep… or shut my mind off (i think too much!). i need to not be so stressed out!!!

25. i love clutter. most people would say that i am messy, but i just love to be surround with “stuff!” it makes things cozy. pictures, books, candles, retro collectibles, lamps, ceramics, lots of things that most people would consider junk but hold a memory that i think is priceless… it makes my apartment interesting and my small office very inviting (i think!).


and that is that. just a little glimpse into the randomness that is me! now tell me about you!

i am supposed to tag 25 people… but i’ll leave it at this: if you are reading this, consider yourself tagged!

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