extravaganza...

Thursday, April 30, 2009

so at the university where i work we have fall semester, spring semester, and then may term. this whole thing was new to me upon my arrival here. i had done fall semester and spring semester (and summer sessions if you so chose) in undergrad. and fall semester, january term (j-term), and spring semester (and summer sessions if you so chose) in grad school. but never may term.

now let me expand upon may term... it is a month long session in which students generally only take one class, sometimes they are study abroad classes where students have a chance to visit wonderfully great places like buddhist monasteries and rainforests - but for only 4 weeks. the other students have the opportunity to take some make-up classes, etc. but the majority of students take calsses such as: wine tasting, beer-making, the chemistry of art (where they learn to make crayons), life, religion & the simpsons, etc. that meet for 2-3 hours 3-4 times a week... i kid you not.

sounds great, right?

well, may term is also fondly referred to as "play term" and frequently described as "a keg a day in may" or "every day in may" (yes, that is referring to drinking). so basically it is a nightmare for administration... particularly my department. it's tough to program for students when their hardest decisions during may tend to be whether to go to the pool, get a drink, lay out on the quad, or get a drink, go to a party, or get a drink...

anyway, to make a long story less long... a couple of the organizations that i advise, along with my department, sponsored the DIVE-IN MOVIE POOL PARTY EXTRAVAGANZA last night and it was a HUGE success. we had a giant BBQ, tons of pool games (belly-flop contests, t-shirt relays, water balloon tosses, etc.), great prizes and we showed JAWS!!! at the pool!!!

so what was i doing at work until 11pm after i finished my regular business for the day? i was flipping burgers and judging belly-flops...

now that is what i call "play term"!

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simple, part 2...

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

so does everyone remember The Man?

well... how's this for a perfect text message?

"i'm painting right now, thinkin about you. thinking about how simple things, simple lines can be so beautiful when they've got just the right curves. we're forced into such a simple relationship as is but it's so beautiful. every word i read of yours fills me with life."

mmhmmmm...

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steak sauce...

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

"marshall, i should feel tremors of psych-itude rock my body like a seizure. that was like a declawed, pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly on a lazy sunday afternoon."

~barney stinson, how i met your mother.


because the only way i feel sane after working all of these 14 hour days lately is coming home and putting on one of the HIMYM dvds i just got in from netflix while i catch up on my blog reader and remind my cats that i really do still live here...

and because barney is hilarious!

(and yes, i know i should be going to bed to catch up on my much needed sleep but for some reason... i just can't catch any good shut-eye lately...)

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brief thoughts...

yes, it is 12:35 am and i am just getting home from work. yes i went to work at 9 am.

ugh.

i just had a few thoughts i need to get out there:

  • swine flu? seriously?
  • would i rather have a student meeting of 60 people that is angry, fighting, and stressful or laughing, off-topic, and basically a silly mess? i pick B.
  • i mastered my maple buttercream frosting... yum.
  • it was my ma's birthday today... happy birthday!!! (not that she reads this...)
  • i'm confused... but happy.
  • i wish i could move a few cities of my choosing next to each other.
  • what's with all of this plagiarism? if you don't have anything good (whatever that may be) to write just be emo post some song lyrics about how you feel and give credit to the band... like i do.
  • i'm frustrated (which equates to hurt in my world) by some of my "friends" these days.
  • i miss my family.
  • i think my cats may be crazy... and i think they get that from me.
  • paying $6 for a pint of beer makes me very very sad.
  • how about that nfl draft?

and that is all my mind can come up with tonight... more tomorrow. or later today rather.

night!

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spit that game, v.3...

Friday, April 24, 2009

once again, it is that time...

if you missed the introduction to "SPIT THAT GAME", let me fill you in...

because i love hip-hop and because i'm "down" (i mean really, who doesn't need a tip drill?) (not too mention i have the ass to prove it, lol, that is a topic for another post...), i feel that it is my duty to share with you a random sampling of a few of my all time favorite lines. now some of these lines have specific memories associated with them, some are just so true it is pure genius, and some just crack my shit up!!!

the story for this volume - more proof that "i'm down" :

i just got my great new bag from be smart, be green thanks to ...love Maegan and here it is! lol. (thanks so much Maegan!)
i currently have 114 songs by and/or featuring ludacris on my iTunes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

to help me get through the last of this friday work day, i bring you... VOLUME 3!!!

"i know your heart is weathered by what studs did to you, i ain't gon' assault em, 'cause i probably did it too.
because of you, feelings i handle with care,
some niggaz recognize the light, but they can't handle the glare.
you know i ain't the type to walk around with matchin' shirts,
if relationship is effort, i will match your work." - common (oh common, you are so enlightened...)

"i don't got the bright watch, i got the right watch.

i don't buy out the bar, i bought the night spot
." - jay z (jay z really is the man.)

"so you up and comin' rappers wanna dis, just kill it.
i'm officially the realest. point, blank, period.
"
- t.i. (that shit is for real... point, blank, period.)

"hell yeah ma, i love a girl that's willin' to learn
. willin' to get in the driver's seat and willin' to turn. and not concerned about that he say, she say, did he say what I think he said? squash that, he probably got that off ebay or some, internet access some, website chat line. mad cause i got mine, oh don't wind up on the flat line..." - nelly (you know what? I. AM. #1!)


"girl you get me aroused how you look in my eye,
but you talk to much, man your ruinin' my high." - fat joe (i hate it when bitches ruin my high... ahahaaha!)

"they shootin'!... aw made you look,
you a slave to a page in my rhyme book.
" - nas (admit it, ya'll looked, didn't ya?)


"i love you like a fat kid loves cake." - 50 cent (this is classic. seriously.)

"fuck you! fuck you! i'm screwed up.
i feel better than i've ever felt before, ah!
intoxicated but maintaining self-control, ah!
" - ludacris (always a perfect opening to a great night... and words i like to live by.)

'you just popped in the "Kanye West Get Right for the Summer" workout tape and ladies if you follow these instructions exactly you might bear to pull you a rapper, a NBA player, man, at least a dude wit' a car...
so first of all we gon' work on the stomach, nobody wants a little tight ass! 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and get them sit ups right and tuck your tummy tight and do your crunches like this. give head, stop breathe, get up, check your weave.' - kanye west
(hey wat's up girrrrrrl?! ...i'm the bootleg queeeeeen, i'll give it to you for $FREE.99! aahhahahhaha! thank you kanye!... love it!!!)

hope you enjoyed!!!

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everyone, meet mr. west (part 3)...

Thursday, April 23, 2009

(now i warned you all at the beginning that this was looooooooonnnng... sorry.)

so there i was sitting in my office on friday afternoon, all by myself. no, really. i was all. by. myself. it seems that with finals upon us and may term ahead of us everyone in the department peaced out friday afternoon. i had been going back and forth all day about whether or not i should/would/could take the trip to AZ. literally ALL day. i had woken up somewhere around 6am after a wee 3ish hours of sleep. or something that sort of resembled sleep anyway, and i laid in bed thinking to myself... "yes, i'm going." "nah, i shouldn't go." "but yeah, i'm gonna go." "no, i can't go."

i text mr. west and he said that he was cleaning their condo (aka bathroom!) so that it would be decent for a lady to stay in and he had already made plans for the entire day saturday.

my mind was still going back and forth. and for lots of reasons, not just the last minute trip (which i normally prepare for mentally days in advance... like what to pack!!!) or staying awake on the long drive, but also, what was going to happen between us? and what did i want to happen?

i proceeded to do this throughout the entire day until finally i realized that no one else was working, why should i be? and what the hell else and i going to do this weekend? sure i could have caught up on my life and done the 73 loads of laundry i have, or any of those other mundane things responsible adults should do, but who wants to be a responsible adult? i sure don't.

so i left work early (not that anyone noticed) and headed home to finally get something to eat, take a shower, and pack my bag. i text mr. west that i was on my way and with that i was out the door with a rockstar in my hand, sunglasses on my face and a load of cd's under my arm.

and after approximately 5 hours, at around 10pm, i made it to AZ and pulled up outside of mr. west's condo.

he was just pulling up behind me after running to the gas station and i felt butterflies in my stomach at the thought of seeing him in person and having him see me. he got out of his car and looked just as gorgeous as ever. (its really hard to describe but he just has this way about him... this confident but not cocky, familiar but yet not, perfect with so many imperfections) and the first thing he says to me - one of the best possible compliments that you could ever hope to get from him - he compared how good he thought that i looked to halle berry. now let me just explain that one just a bit... no, i do not look anything like halle berry. but to him, she is the most perfectly gorgeous woman on the planet and he's even said he would drink her bath water. soooo... being compared to her by him - epic.

just being able to walk up to him and have him wrap his arms around me again... definitely worth the trip.

so we hugged, he told me how much he liked my whip, we talked, he complimented me again, we hugged again, and he showed me around his place. then we made a late night trip to the store to get a few things. it was funny for me because he kept asking me if i needed anything, want to buy something for me. it's not that he was trying to impress me, or show off, i think it made him feel good that he can do that now. when we were "together" in undergrad he was working 3 jobs to make it through school and i was working 50 hours a week, on top of my full course load, just to pay the bills. come to think of it... i'm not quite sure how either one of use survived and even had time to study and get the amazing grades we did - let alone spend time with each other.

the best part of the night was laying down next to him though. just being able to lay down knowing he was right there next to me, to hear him breathing, to be able to tangle my arms and legs over him, to be able to take a deep breath and just exhale and relax. it was so nice. and being able to just turn my head and kiss him wasn't bad either. ;o) he did then ask me where the ring was (because i wasn't wearing it). i told him it was in my jewelery case in my luggage. he wondered why it was in my luggage and i told him honestly that i don't wear it all the time. and all he said was as long as you still have it... we'll talk about that later (reference number one to the "issue" at hand...)

now i'm sure you don't want to hear every single detail of our weekend together so i'll try to summarize and only emphasis the important parts...

now mr. west loves to sleep in - on the rare occasion that he gets the opportunity. but you all know me. i don't sleep. i just can't seem to get a good nights sleep more than a few times every few weeks. and i definitely don't sleep in. i was prepared and had brought my old copy of "slaughterhouse five" to keep me entertained but mr . west had other ideas. when he woke up in the morning and looked over and saw me reading - instead of rolling over and going back to sleep - he got up, put on his clothes and drove me to starbucks (since they didn't have food in the house for breakfast or have any coffee, they didn't even have a coffee maker!!! bachelors, lol.) we then made our way to barnes & noble because we both agree that it's one of the best stores in existence.

after perusing the shelves, we made our way back home so we could get ready for the day. we went sightseeing and shopping, out for happy hour with one of our friends from undergrad, ry (one of his fraternity brothers) and then headed back home to change and pick up one of the roomies for our dinner and a night out on the town.

and while i was getting ready, ry was surfing the interwebs, and mr. west was obsessively ironing his shirt for the evening, we had a nice time reminiscing about some of the hi-jinks we had gotten ourselves into in the "good ol' days". it was fun to think about all those good times and interesting to hear the guys tell their version of some of the stories. i picked up on a lot of references to me by both rymr. west that made me realize i was more a part of their life than i thought. i always considered them good friends of mine, and i always wanted to be in mr. west's life, but for some reason i didn't really think that they thought of me the same way. (low self-esteem much? you betcha!)

i had been nervous all day about going out. i wanted to make sure that i looked my best, that i was wearing something mr. west liked, that i wasn't over or under dressed. hey, it was the first time going out with them in years and my first time going out in AZ,i'm a girl, gimme a break people!

it was nice when i walked out of the bathroom and mr. west looks at me and the first thing he says is "girl, you look good."

we made our way to this great pub for dinner and then out down on mill st. which is apparently, the place to be. we went from bar to club to bar. drinking, dancing, drinking, and having a blast. it was nice to be out at some "real" clubs and bar. and with 3 gorgeous men no less! they were really sweet, too. my hand was never without a drink, if any of them went to the bathroom or the bar the others stayed right next to me the entire time, and on the dance floor no other guy got within feet of me... which was an accomplishment at some of the clubs that were just packed with people! lol.

now throughout the weekend mr. west had made numerous comments about how i looked and how much weight i had lost since he had last seen me. now i have lost some weight since being in california but by no means do i weigh what i did when i was a freshman in college (who does? lol). he kept saying that he had to fatten me up - although he did make sure to comment on the fact that i still had the ass. which i do! now i tell you this because as we were making our way back to the car after stopping at just one last club i was walking a little way ahead of the fellas and drunkenly dancing around the square holding my little black shirt up so that the nice breeze would cool me down a little - it gets hot and sweaty when you are dancing up a storm! anyway, the guys were all talking about some unfortunate chicky that should not have been dancing on the pole in the last club, when mr. west stops and looks up at me dancing around in front of them with my shirt half off trying to cool down and says "girl, there is just no way you are not going to be mrs. west." and then continues talking to the fellas, slyly dropping a comment about how unbelievable it is that i could have abs like that with an ass like mine. leaving me to stare drunkenly after them in awe (only the second reference to the "issues" at hand all weekend...).

we made it home and after a shower or two, we made it into bed (and i'm only sharing this part because of the conversation that was had so get your minds out of the gutter, this isn't going to be a play by play!!!lol.) after he gave me one of his perfect kisses he says to me "so if i asked you, what would you say?"

out of the blue. no working up to it, no preface, no introduction.

and i didn't know what to say. partly because i didn't want him to ask me right then and partly because i did. the sane part of me knows full well that we actually need to give the "relationship" thing a shot before we start talking about planning the honeymoon but there is definitely a large percentage of me that is NOT the "sane" part of me.

so my reply...

ME: "you know that i love you."
MR. WEST: "so that 's a no?"
ME: "no, not at all, its just... that..."
MR. WEST: "i'm not saying that i am going to ask you right now... but when i do..."
ME: "we'll just have to see what happens..."
MR. WEST: "when i do the ring is going to be platinum and gorgeous, just like you..."
ME: "you know i don't care about that."
MR. WEST: "i know you don't. you are probably the only woman that doesn't. but you should."
ME: "it's not about that."
MR. WEST: "but you deserve it. i'm going to get myself settled, i'm going to make some millions, then i'm going to give jacob the jeweler a call... you won't be able to say no."
ME: laughing "you let me know when you get all that taken care of... i'll be here."
MR. WEST: "so if i asked you, what would you say?"
ME: "i love you."
MR. WEST: "i love you, too."

and sunday was just as wonderful. he got mad at me for letting him sleep and not waking him up to go get me coffee... but seeing as it was his day off and i was on "vacation" and we hadn't gone to sleep until after 4am, i talked him out of being angry with me. ;o)

we spent the day chilling out, sightseeing some more, and having the best lunch. it was a wonderful day. way too hot, but wonderful. we talked a little bit about the future, but nothing like he had brought up the night before (he doesn't talk about emotions like that very often). he did talk about his move back to themidwest and how happy he was about it. he also tried to talk me into finding a job close to his hometown. which isn't out of the question, not that i am going to plan my life around him just yet. he also talked about how i have to gain some weight if i want to make a good impression on his mama, lol. oh and how i have to change my mind about not wanting any kids, because i have to have kids to pass on the "west" name, not too mention our little mixed babies would be GORGEOUS. which they totally would be!!! :o) the deal we made is that after he makes his first million, i will seriously reconsider - and then ultimately have - the first (of many) little gorgeous babies. lol.

as i packed up to leave late sunday evening i was torn between being sad about leaving and being happy knowing how much i mean to him. it was hard to say goodbye to him again.

but i left knowing that whatever happens between us, he'll always hold a very special place in my heart. always. and i apparently hold a special place in his heart as well.

and 5 hours later, when i called him to let him know that i made it home alright, he still made me nervous - in a good way.

we've only talked a few brief times since the weekend. but the one thing he always says - "i miss you." and that makes me heart swell up.

i really don't know what will happen between us... maybe it was meant to be and the pieces just haven't fallen into place quite right just yet. maybe we will never end up being in the same place at the same time. maybe i'll always keep my heart unavailable and he will never decide to open up. but no matter what... i hope he knows just how absolutely wonderful he is and how important he is/was and always will be to me.

oh so many thoughts going on in my head...

(and yes, i do still have the ring.)

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i am a gladiator in the colisuem of thrill...

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

now get this, my university often plans trips for students to get out and about, camping trips, trips to the beach, trips to museums, trips to shows and plays, etc. the latest trip - a trip to six flags magic mountain! so who volunteered when they needed an administrator to drive one of the vans??? oooh, ooh, me, pick me, ME!

needless to say, yesterday i spent 7 1/2 hours at six flags and managed to not only ride every rollercoaster in the park but i totaled 27 rollercoaster rides!

27!!!!!!

i had the time of my life - even though i was covered in spf 45, walked what felt like 92.3 miles, drank gallons of water until i sloshed when i moved, and sweat like a man - a very sweaty man.

the park was dead so we had free reign of almost all the rides... i rode goliath 5 times in a row! and when i say that i mean, i didn't even get out of my seat 5 TIMES IN A ROW! it was epic. seriously. and my kids were so cute... on the way there they were excitedly planning their attack, judging which rides were the best and asking me when we'd get there. on the way home i stopped to get them some food at in-n-out and 15 minutes later i looked back and they were ALL asleep. it was a great day! (i still think that X2 is my fave though!!! you can't really beat a ride that plays such a great soundtrack and has flames shoot out at you!!! tatsun comes in second because it is so rad and scares the crap outta me!!!)

with that, you can all guess that i am not only even more of a freckled mess, but absolutely exhausted. lol. so you will have to wait for tomorrow for part 3 of the mr. west saga...

sorry!

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everyone, meet mr. west (part 2)...

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

(enjoy part 2 of the mr. west saga... while i am on a field trip to magic mountain with a crew of my students!)

so there we were... mr. west and i entangled in a "relationship" that was still never defined, but oddly lasting over time and distance...

mr. west flew from AZ to see me (about 2 years ago exactly) while i was finishing up grad school and things were great, seeing him again was just like old times (well maybe not entirely like old times... we had grown up quite a bit, but damn was he still handsome, lol.) but i have to admit, i was distracted trying to wrap up school, my upcoming comps, teaching, and being consumed with my assistantship. so i didn't really know what i was in for.

now keep in mind, he's always joked that we were going to get married some day, that i was going to be his baby's mama, that his family was going to love me. we even made the "my best friend's wedding" deal with each other, but never really specified an age. we've even talked about whether or not my family would approve of him, he knows that he really needs to be on my ma's good side ( just like i have to get his mama's approval) and i always reassured him that she would adore him as long as he was good to me. my father being another story. but we've come a long way on that front... hell, i even got him to vote for Obama! but we've ALWAYS joked about that sort of thing. he tells me how gorgeous our babies would be (which they would be, lol.), and how he is going to take care of me, and wonders how he is going to but up with me (when he knows he really has to worry about how i'm going to put up with him)... it's what we do.

anyway... i digress. not all that long after he visited me when i was in grad school he sent me a package. in the package, a ring box and a note. in the box, a very lovely (but definitely not ME, i don't wear gold - unless its white gold, and i like simple, retro... wondering does he even know me???) ring. very lovely and very clearly an engagement ring. now why would someone send an engagement ring to someone in the mail you might ask? i wondered the same thing. now why would someone send an engagement ring to someone they've never "really" dated and weren't currently dating you might ask? i wondered the same thing. now what in the world did the note say you might ask?

"i love ya, mr. west."

yes, it said "ya". ladies... do you know what that means? oh yes, so do i. fellas... do YOU know what that means? i sure as hell hope so.

and that was it. that was the package. that was the ring. and that was the note.

our next phone conversation:

MR. WEST: "did you get the ring?"
ME: "yes."
MR. WEST: "good."

and that was it! he never asked anything more about it. i never asked more about it. (why you ask? well i was afraid. i didn't want him to ask because i knew i had to say no and i was sure that if he asked me then he would never ask me again when i would be ready to say yes.) my friends were shocked that i didn't send it back. (i do still have it. to be completely honest with you all, i even wear it sometimes). but i couldn't send it back, not unless he asked me to. that would have been one hell of a blow to his ego and it would have closed doors that i didn't want closed.

so almost 2 years later, we are still in touch, we are both still single, and i've been thinking about him so much lately. he's been talking about wanting to come and see me, but considering i was in the state and not working for somewhere around 15 seconds of the last semester it just hasn't worked out. he finally made plans to fly out this next weekend but then i find out this past thursday that he can't make it. he put in his papers to be transferred back to the midwest (closer to his home, his family, and out of the AZ heat) and so he had to meet with the district managers, etc, etc. i had been so excited to see him... and disappointment is just not handled well on my part. ya'll remember the trip #23 was supposed to make? yeah, so needless to say i was devastated. part of the reason i went out and drowned my sorrows thursday night. i was in a very down mood and this just tipped the scales.

so apparently mr. west and i had a very drunken (on my part) conversation late thursday night and talked about how he had saturday and sunday off and i may or may not have mentioned coming to see him. so in my exhausted, depressed, stressed state on friday afternoon i decided that while a 5 hour car ride was a bitch, i only live once and i just needed to see mr. west before i live the rest of my one life always wondering what if...

and that sets the stage for my impromptu trip to AZ... stay tuned.


on a very personal sidenote: have you noticed a pattern here? i let these fellas get close but just not too close... damn. i guess that is why people make comments about me having fellas all over the place... hmmm. it's easier for me to excited about someone that lives across the country, or is completely unavailable, because i'm not at such a risk of having to let them in... think about it - mr. west, the ranger, The Man, #23, "rob lowe", the dr. - all of them... i bring it all on myself...

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everyone, meet mr. west (part 1)...

Monday, April 20, 2009

(i'm sorry this ended up being SO long!!!)

so i think i have some explaining to do. or maybe a LOT...


with that, i'd like you all to meet mr. west. we met in undergrad. we officially "met" my junior year (he was a sophomore, but we are the same age - what? i'm a smarty pants, sorry. and yes, it's strange he's my age, lol.) i knew who he was before that. i think most people did. lol. he's hard to miss. he's gorgeous (like kanye west gorgeous - hence the name). smart. driven. but he's cocky and extremely moody. not too mention he is a mama's boy. lol.

like i said, i knew who he was before we actually met but we eventually ended up running with some of the same crowd - his fraternity and my sorority were pretty close. and i happened to be in most of the same classes as his roommate.

i suppose we officially met at one of our fraternity/sorority mixers (ahhh, memories...) but i was seeing someone at the time and he was somewhere in the middle of having very intense drama with his soon to be ex-girlfriend. we both had our fair share of relationship issues during undergrad. i consumed with "the one" and he was going through something very similar with his gf at the time. i guess we "dated" off and on over the course of the next few years. sometimes more than others. we were never a "couple" even though i wanted to be. i was never willing to push him (hell even nudge him) because i knew that he was having a hard time getting over his ex and i understood that. also, i was never really sure of his feelings towards me. he isn't easy to read and he definitely doesn't take sharing his feelings lightly. apparently he felt a lot more towards me than i realized... but i'm only finding that out now.

he intimidates me. and i don't really mean that in a bad way, but he does. being with him wasn't like it was with other guys. i wasn't always "comfortable". basically the opposite of how i felt with the ranger, both good, but very different (and yes... the ranger is one of his fraternity brothers, lol.) does that make sense? i always wanted him to be happy, i was always wondering what he was thinking, i was always hoping that i was good enough for him, i always wanted to make him happy. and i don't mean any of those things in a bad way. i felt those things because of how important he was to me. if i didn't care about him, i wouldn't have worried about it. i would have been "comfortable" doing whatever i wanted and not worrying about if it made him happy or not and i wanted to be the best version of myself not just to make him happy, but because i was happier that way, too.

but i never really let him know how i felt.

we've had a lot of really great times together. some of my favorite memories. both the good ones and the not so good ones.

i think we were both scared of getting hurt again. and our "relationship" was never really defined and i had myself convinced that he didn't feel the same way about me that i felt about him.

fast forward a bit and i graduate college while he is still finishing classes. i end up moving but i still visit him off and on... in the meantime, i was going through a phase trying to get over "the one" and adjust to life outside of the college bubble. if you've ever seen "down with love" you'll understand what i mean when i say that i was "dating like a guy". i told myself that i didn't care if they cared about me because i never left them get close enough to hurt me. if i felt like they were getting attached... i cut them out of my life. and there were plenty of fellas around that appreciated that i didn't want anything from them emotionally. were they using me? sure. but i used them right back. and at the time i thought it was making me happy. i know better now, but you know what? i wouldn't change it. i needed that time in my life. i needed it to better understand who i am now. i needed it to make sense of what was going on with me. i needed it to be able to get the affection that i wasn't getting anywhere else, even if it was trivial. (and yes, i wasn't getting it from my family either... but that's another story).

you can judge me for the things that i've done, or the way i've lived my life but you'll never really understand unless you are me. so go on and make your assumptions, but i don't want to hear it. so save it.

meanwhile, mr. west and i stayed in touch but we might've hit a bit of a rough patch when one of the times i returned to see him i ended up chilling with one of fraternity brothers. WAIT! before you jump to hating on me, understand this: i REALLY had no idea that mr. west felt ANYTHING of ANY significance for me. i was convinced that i was just another girl in his back pocket and if you knew the situation you would probably agree. honestly, i'm not even finding out how he felt about me then (i'm talking over 4 years ago people!) until now, and that took talking to some of our other friends.

well, things worked out after an extremely intense evening of people climbing on roofs, cops being called, and me calling in a tip and driving the get-away blazer... haha, long story. but we still went our separate ways. i was living in a different state and planning my move to grad school and then he up and moved to AZ with a couple of his fraternity brothers...


to be continued...

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2.0 hours of sleep, v.6...

Friday, April 17, 2009

i drowned my sorrows in liquor last night... and then bawled my eyes out.

it was fun (in a real - i'm pathetic and even alcohol can't cure these blues - kinda way).

and now i am randomly driving to AZ to see mr. west.

yes, the same mr. west that may or may not have sent me a ring* in the mail.



* yes, THAT type of ring.

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i don't believe in magic anymore...

Thursday, April 16, 2009

i don't know what's wrong with me but you could say anything to me today and here is exactly what my reaction would be:

burst into tears.

yes, that's super. and maybe i have a little idea of what it's about but... girl, get a hold of yourself! it's not even 5 pm and i've burst into tears 5 separate times today.

that's. just. great.

so besides the fact that i've actually started to try out the online dating scene, the ranger is now "in a relationship",
and my job makes me feel terrible about myself... L is too busy with her boyfriend to make time for me and The Dr. doesn't need another complication (in the form of me) in his life, which basically equates to my two closest friends here in SoCal aren't really in my life. so i work, work some more, work, and then work. and that is the entirety of my existence these days.

its fun.

wow, i'm just a barrel of depressing sarcasm today.

i've also had this overwhelming feeling that i'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.

yes yes, except for my cats. oh that makes me feel better.

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i'm am steady and unstable...

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

because this is exactly how i DON'T fee at the moment, but wish i did...


if i live to be a hundred
and never see the seven wonders
that'll be alright
if ii don't make it to the big leagues
if i never win a Grammy
i'm gonna be just fine
'cause i know exactly who i am

i am rosemary's granddaughter
the spitting image of my father
and when the day is done
my momma's still my biggest fan
sometimes i'm clueless and i'm clumsy
but i've got friends who love me
and they know just where i stand
it's all a part of me
and that's who i am

so when i make big mistake
when i fall flat on my face
i know i'll be alright
Should my tender heart be broken
i will cry those teardrops knowin'
i will be just fine
'cause nothin' changes who i am

i am rosemary's granddaughter
the spitting image of my father
and when the day is done
my momma's still my biggest fan
sometimes i'm clueless and i'm clumsy
but i've got friends who love me
and they know just where i stand
it's all a part of me
and that's who i am

i'm a saint and i'm a sinner
i'm a loser, i'm a winner
i'm am steady and unstable
i am young but i'm able

it's all a part of me
and that's who i am...

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dammit facebook...

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

so like a lot of people out there, i have a facebook.

it comes in very handy in my profession, not too mention keeping in touch with lots of folks due to the fact that i am across the country. generally, i enjoy facebook.

until it bitchslaps me.

for example: today i log on to facebook and glance over at the "highlights" column on the right side to see this sentiment "the ranger is now in a relationship with someone that is not me." (names have been changed, slightly).

BITCHSLAP.

yes, he's moving to germany. yes, he lives on the other side of the country. yes, i shouldn't care. but couldn't he have told me?

just one more reason for me to come to terms with the fact that i have now joined a dating site. yes. it's true. i said it. just give me a minute... i think i might pass out...

...

ok. i'm better now. i think. dammit facebook.

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simple is beautiful...

Monday, April 13, 2009

is it possible to have feelings for someone that you only met once? have only spent a few short hours with? have only talked to on the phone and by text since that night almost a year and half ago?

it was early december 2007, i was at a conference in chilly cincinnati. it had been a long week and it was saturday night after the closing banquet. i was spending the wee hours of the night hanging out at the hotel bar with a bunch of friends talking, laughing, and of course - drinking.

there was a group of fellas at the bar that my table had been eyeing up and they dared me to talk to them. immature? maybe. but fun? yes. so with the help of my liquid courage i attempted to talk to them. we started by devising a plan...

in the meantime, this extremely handsome fella (tall, dark, handsome, one of the group we had been eyeing) came over to our table, walked right up to me and told me how beautiful i was. then walked away.

it didn't take much for me to approach them after that. i started talking to him and he eventually joined our table. we talked and laughed and drank... and i couldn't stop smiling. The Man was intelligent, gorgeous, and had a great sense of humor. it was wonderful.

well, as the morning slowly crept towards us we eventually made our way to the lobby and then slowly to the elevators. he walked me to my room, said goodbye outside of my door, exchanged our cards, and then we shared a few of the most delicious kisses ever experienced in a random hotel hallway.

we text, call, text, etc. we'll talk all the time, then not so much, and then one day i'll randomly get the sweetest text message from him. he always sends me the most amazing text messages.

so is it crazy that i can't help myself when i read something like this?:

"i miss you so much. i wish we could live out the end scene of wicker park. i wish i could stop you from leaving somewhere at the airport. i wish i could kiss you and you'd know everything i've felt for so long. since i met you."

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so it's easter...

Sunday, April 12, 2009

and i am in SoCal and all of my family is in the midwest.

and all of my friends here have somewhere to be.

and so...

i am spending the entire day baking (and watching season 1 of how i met your mother on dvd in the background).

i'm making cupcake pops (seen here although mine don't look quite that perfect), peanut butter cup brownie bites, and double stuf cupcakes! it's delicious and depressing all at the same time... lol.

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suit up!...

Saturday, April 11, 2009

"look at you, you beautiful bastard, you suited up! ...this is totally going in my blog."

~barney stinson, how i met your mother.

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keirsey makes me crazy...

Friday, April 10, 2009

so i recently took the keirsey personality test again... i hadn't taken it since undergrad. this is what i found out: INFP: you have a capacity for caring that is deeper than most. you strive for unity, are fascinated by the battles between good and evil, and can be something of an Idealist. only 1% of the population shares your type.


all Idealists (NFs) share the following core characteristics:

  • Idealists are enthusiastic, they trust their intuition, yearn for romance, seek their true self, prize meaningful relationships, and dream of attaining wisdom.
  • Idealists pride themselves on being loving, kindhearted, and authentic.
  • Idealists tend to be giving, trusting, spiritual, and they are focused on personal journeys and human potentials.
  • Idealists make intense mates, nurturing parents, and inspirational leaders.

Idealist portrait of the Healer (INFP)

Healers present a calm and serene face to the world, and can seem shy, even distant around others. but inside they're anything but serene, having a capacity for personal caring rarely found in the other types. Healers care deeply about the inner life of a few special persons, or about a favorite cause in the world at large. and their great passion is to heal the conflicts that trouble individuals, or that divide groups, and thus to bring wholeness, or health, to themselves, their loved ones, and their community.

Healers have a profound sense of idealism that comes from a strong personal sense of right and wrong. they conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place, full of wondrous possibilities and potential goods. in fact, to understand Healers, we must understand that their deep commitment to the positive and the good is almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. set off from the rest of humanity by their privacy and scarcity (around one percent of the population), Healers can feel even more isolated in the purity of their idealism.

also, Healers might well feel a sense of separation because of their often misunderstood childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood-they are the prince or princess of fairy tales-an attitude which, sadly, is frowned upon, or even punished, by many parents. with parents who want them to get their head out of the clouds, Healers begin to believe they are bad to be so fanciful, so dreamy, and can come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. in truth, they are quite ok just as they are, only different from most others-swans reared in a family of ducks.

as a romantic partner, you are usually supportive and nurturing, however, you have a high need for individuality. harmony is extremely important to you as you are very affected by conflict and tension, which also makes you resist confronting your partner directly about problems. when you get angry, you usually blame yourself, rather than your partner. you can also be stubborn and unyielding when you feel you are being criticized or mistreated. you feel the most appreciated when your partner listens to you carefully. you need to be understood. you need to hear your partner express their feelings, the more often, the better.

at work, Healers are adaptable, welcome new ideas and new information, are patient with complicated situations, but impatient with routine details. Healers are keenly aware of people and their feelings, and relate well with most others. because of their deep-seated reserve, however, they can work quite happily alone. when making decisions, Healers follow their heart not their head, which means they can make errors of fact, but seldom of feeling. they have a natural interest in scholarly activities and demonstrate, like the other Idealists, a remarkable facility with language. they have a gift for interpreting stories, as well as for creating them, and thus often write in lyric, poetic fashion. frequently they hear a call to go forth into the world and help others, a call they seem ready to answer, even if they must sacrifice their own comfort.

princess diana, richard gere, audrey hephurn, albert schweiter, george orwell, karen armstrong, aldous huxley, mia farrow, and isabel meyers are examples of Healer Idealists.

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sometimes i wanna quit this all and become an accountant now...

Thursday, April 9, 2009

but i'm no good at math and besides the dollar is down...


so i try not to use this blog to bitch and moan about work. but there comes a time when things just have to happen... or i'll explode. seriously. so if you are unenthusiastic about reading through the perils and frustrations of my exasperating job, please hit the eject button now.

ok.

for those of you all still here, let's get some framework in place: as you may know, i work in higher education. i love what i do. i love working with students (most of them anyway). no, this isn't what i set out to do, this just sort of happened... one day i realized that i love this and i'm pretty good at it.

what i don't love... the institution in which i am currently employed is a small/private. i have a background in medium/state. i had no idea of the political differences, nor the administrative absurdities that go on at an institution like mine. well, maybe it is only this one.

the inconsistencies, the playing favorites, the disregard for policy, the list goes on and on... i struggle everyday fighting for what is best for my students when i should be spending my time aiding my students in their development. it's unnerving. and it's eating away at me.

and it's not just that i "wear many hats" in my role here. i expected that at a school this size. it's that when you add up my responsibilities/duties you don't get 100%. you get close to %200... for ONE person to do. and it's not that i work some nights and weekends, because i expected that as well. it's that i work almost EVERY night and weekend. some weeks i count my hours and when i hit 70 by thursday i just stop counting, that's the salary life.

it's that none of these things are in my contract. it's that none of these things are ever discussed with me. it's that i am not supported in any of the decisions that i make. it's that when i do research and present best practices, the higher-ups disregard it and just do what they want... but then expect me to enforce it. it's that all the spirit that i have, all of the passion, is being beaten-down, sucked out, and trampled upon.

it's that i'm afraid if i stay here, i will burn myself out, i will feel defeated every single day and i will end up quitting this profession all together.

i stay because of the students. but when do i say enough is enough and put myself first?


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*grins* thank you...

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

thanks to nickie over at learn to fly for the BBF award...

thanks for thinking my blog is "pretty f*cken sweet"!!! *hugs*

you made my day.

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spit that game, v.2...

Monday, April 6, 2009

to help entertain you (and because i missed you all!) it's been too long...

if you missed the introduction to "SPIT THAT GAME", let me fill you in...

because i love hip-hop and because i'm "down" (i mean really, who doesn't need a tip drill?) (not too mention i have the ass to prove it, lol, that is a topic for another post...), i feel that it is my duty to share with you a random sampling of a few of my all time favorite lines. now some of these lines have specific memories associated with them, some are just so true it is pure genius, and some just crack my shit up!!!

the story for this volume - more proof that "i'm down" :

once again it was undergrad. i had recently accepted a bid and joined an amazing sorority. i was new to the Greek world and i didn't know all of my sister that well yet. one weekend we spent saturday evening hanging out, acting goofy, and getting ready for a party thrown by one of our favorite fraternities. once we got to the party we made our way to the dance floor in the basement and we were having a blast and dancing up a storm (have i mentioned i love dancing?). anywhoo, the Luda song "fatty girl" came on and i proceeded to not only shake what my momma gave me, but rap. every. single. line.

needless to say, my sisters were a bit surprised. i got a lot of comments like... "we thought you were kinda NERDY?" "how do YOU know the words to that song?" "you seem like such a GOOD GIRL?" "did that just happen?" "but, but, aren't you really SMART?".... HAHAHAHA! oh, what they had yet to discover... heehee.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and now i bring you... VOLUME 2!!!

"QUIET!!! shh, hush yo mouth. silence when i, spit it out. in yo face. open yo mouth, give you a taste. (Holla) ain't no stoppin me, copywritten so, don't copy me. y'all do it, sloppily. and y'all cant come, close to me." - missy elliot (i remember rapping these lines will working orientation during undergrad... good memories.)

"
are you custom-made, custom-paid, or you just custom-fitted?" - ludacris (this is a question i ask frequently, lol!)

"i'm the MBP, Most Ballenous Player.
make my own rules, bitch call me the mayor." - jermaine dupri (you can call me the mayor anytime...)

'one said "ain't you that boy that be on BET?"
"ya that's me, ching-a-ling equipped wit much ding-a-ling"' - chingy (seriously chingy, ding-a-ling? lol.)

'i'm Kan the Louis Vuitton Don. bought my mom a purse now she Louis Vuitton Mom. still might throw on a little low arm they want me to stop, go on go on. they don't want me to shop and me spending that hard. "oh my gawd, is that a black card?" i turned around and replied "why yes, but i prefer the term African-American Express"' - kanye west (i love rapping these lines...)

"i know this world is so cold & deceiving,
but i keep my head up like my nose is bleeding" - lil wayne (that's deep...)

"oh yeah, i represent the Dirty Southside.
i'm a dentist makin' women open they mouth wide" - ludacris (Luda is just so damn clever!)

hope you enjoyed!

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you see this isn't where my head is, if you knew me, i'm not like this...

Sunday, April 5, 2009

alright folks... after an unplanned hiatus from my blog i have returned.

literally. i just got back from a conference in san fran. i had the pleasure of taking 12 of my students to the city by the bay for 4 days of learning, laughter, and leadership.

let's just say it was amazing... and exhausting.

i'm looking forward to having a somewhat calm week after the last few weeks of craziness. i'm actually staying in the state/city this weekend... strange.

oh and i have so many things to tell you all. be prepared. this week is going to be filled with lots of blog fun...

i hope ya'll have a great week!


oh and GO STATE!!!

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