someone turn off my mind...

i know i've been gone a looooong ass time. and i'll get to that at some point. but for now, i need to know...

are there such things as "signs" out there?

now, i'm not talking about red octagons and yellow triangle type signs. i'm talking about having a dream about smoke and then your house burns down the next day. or your not sure where to eat for lunch and then you get a restaurant coupon in your email. alright, maybe those weren't very good examples, but you get my point.

see here's the deal... i try really hard to not think about my ex, "the one", but he just happened to come up in casual conversation today. no big deal. right? i haven't talked about him in months and i haven't seen him in years, but whatever. then just a few short hours later i check my e-mail and guess who has friended me on FB? yup, "the one".

so is that a sign? a freaky coincidence? or just something to get my overworked brain all messed up about?

if only my mind had an off switch...

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everyone, meet mr. west (part 1)...

(i'm sorry this ended up being SO long!!!)

so i think i have some explaining to do. or maybe a LOT...

with that, i'd like you all to meet mr. west. we met in undergrad. we officially "met" my junior year (he was a sophomore, but we are the same age - what? i'm a smarty pants, sorry. and yes, it's strange he's my age, lol.) i knew who he was before that. i think most people did. lol. he's hard to miss. he's gorgeous (like kanye west gorgeous - hence the name). smart. driven. but he's cocky and extremely moody. not too mention he is a mama's boy. lol.

like i said, i knew who he was before we actually met but we eventually ended up running with some of the same crowd - his fraternity and my sorority were pretty close. and i happened to be in most of the same classes as his roommate.

i suppose we officially met at one of our fraternity/sorority mixers (ahhh, memories...) but i was seeing someone at the time and he was somewhere in the middle of having very intense drama with his soon to be ex-girlfriend. we both had our fair share of relationship issues during undergrad. i consumed with "the one" and he was going through something very similar with his gf at the time. i guess we "dated" off and on over the course of the next few years. sometimes more than others. we were never a "couple" even though i wanted to be. i was never willing to push him (hell even nudge him) because i knew that he was having a hard time getting over his ex and i understood that. also, i was never really sure of his feelings towards me. he isn't easy to read and he definitely doesn't take sharing his feelings lightly. apparently he felt a lot more towards me than i realized... but i'm only finding that out now.

he intimidates me. and i don't really mean that in a bad way, but he does. being with him wasn't like it was with other guys. i wasn't always "comfortable". basically the opposite of how i felt with the ranger, both good, but very different (and yes... the ranger is one of his fraternity brothers, lol.) does that make sense? i always wanted him to be happy, i was always wondering what he was thinking, i was always hoping that i was good enough for him, i always wanted to make him happy. and i don't mean any of those things in a bad way. i felt those things because of how important he was to me. if i didn't care about him, i wouldn't have worried about it. i would have been "comfortable" doing whatever i wanted and not worrying about if it made him happy or not and i wanted to be the best version of myself not just to make him happy, but because i was happier that way, too.

but i never really let him know how i felt.

we've had a lot of really great times together. some of my favorite memories. both the good ones and the not so good ones.

i think we were both scared of getting hurt again. and our "relationship" was never really defined and i had myself convinced that he didn't feel the same way about me that i felt about him.

fast forward a bit and i graduate college while he is still finishing classes. i end up moving but i still visit him off and on... in the meantime, i was going through a phase trying to get over "the one" and adjust to life outside of the college bubble. if you've ever seen "down with love" you'll understand what i mean when i say that i was "dating like a guy". i told myself that i didn't care if they cared about me because i never left them get close enough to hurt me. if i felt like they were getting attached... i cut them out of my life. and there were plenty of fellas around that appreciated that i didn't want anything from them emotionally. were they using me? sure. but i used them right back. and at the time i thought it was making me happy. i know better now, but you know what? i wouldn't change it. i needed that time in my life. i needed it to better understand who i am now. i needed it to make sense of what was going on with me. i needed it to be able to get the affection that i wasn't getting anywhere else, even if it was trivial. (and yes, i wasn't getting it from my family either... but that's another story).

you can judge me for the things that i've done, or the way i've lived my life but you'll never really understand unless you are me. so go on and make your assumptions, but i don't want to hear it. so save it.

meanwhile, mr. west and i stayed in touch but we might've hit a bit of a rough patch when one of the times i returned to see him i ended up chilling with one of fraternity brothers. WAIT! before you jump to hating on me, understand this: i REALLY had no idea that mr. west felt ANYTHING of ANY significance for me. i was convinced that i was just another girl in his back pocket and if you knew the situation you would probably agree. honestly, i'm not even finding out how he felt about me then (i'm talking over 4 years ago people!) until now, and that took talking to some of our other friends.

well, things worked out after an extremely intense evening of people climbing on roofs, cops being called, and me calling in a tip and driving the get-away blazer... haha, long story. but we still went our separate ways. i was living in a different state and planning my move to grad school and then he up and moved to AZ with a couple of his fraternity brothers...


to be continued...

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now it's one more night at the upside down...

well... that's that.
i really do wish #23 all the best and i hope that he has all the happiness in the world. i hope he knows that.

there's a dark cloud hanging over my heart
i can't see where it ends, or where it starts.
i should get over you, but baby, it's so hard,
with this dark cloud hanging over my heart.

there's a sad song ringing in my head.
baby, it's been here ever since you left.
i should be moving along how far would i get
with this sad song ringing in my head.

i just really miss you, i just really miss you,
there's a life i can't ask you to leave.
i just really miss you, right now i kinda want to.
the closest that you'll ever be to me
is free.

there's a hard wind blowing through this town.
and nothing left to hold is pushing me down.
it blows over you and me without a sound.
there's a hard wind blowing through this town.

i just really miss you, i just really miss you,
there's a life i can't ask you to leave.
i just really miss you, right now i kinda need to.
the closest that you'll ever be to me
is free.

now it's one more night at the upside down,
it's ten steps in, and hundred miles back out.

i just really miss you, i just really miss you,
there's a life i can't ask you to leave.
i just really miss you, right now i kinda need to.
the closest that you'll ever be to me
is free.

there's a dark cloud hanging over my heart.....

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so many things to say, so many typos...

i've been blogging for only a few months now... it's now become one of my favorite things to do. not to mention i have become addicted to my google reader, lol.

but i've neglected any sort of introduction... i think in part because i didn't know what this was going to become. and in part because i didn't think that anyone else would read it.

it all started because i needed some sort of release. some way to get all of those thoughts and feeling out of my overactive mind. i've never really been good at expressing myself, and i'm certainly not good at opening up to people, so this seemed like a perfect solution.

due to the situation i have managed to get myself into currently... moving across the country from the good ol' midwest to the entirely different country of southern california completely alone... i find myself a twenty-something career-oriented midwesterner completely out of place.

so that brought me here.

let me explain...

i grew up in a very small town in the northern midwest. i went to college, had one of the most amazing experiences of my life,i was focused on education and taking advantage of every opportunity afforded to me, and then i graduated.

has that ever happened to any of you? lol.

no, seriously. i thought my life was all planned out. i couldn't find a job in my field but that didn't phase me because i was patiently waiting for "The One" to graduate so we could move wherever he started law school. i found a retail job, was promoted to supervisor, and started living my life in waiting.

he had different plans.

so alas, i found myself young, single, and working retail. exactly. (did i just reference that part of my life so nonchalantly? wow. impressive.) so i made new friends, drank too much (oh but when is too much, too much, really?), had too much fun. it was great. but then i realized i need to do something with my life.

#1 i couldn't see spending my life counting down the days by which drink special is going on that night (don't get me wrong, this girls loves to drink, i just don't want that to be my priority, i'd like to think i have a more ambitious purpose than that)
#2 i could NOT work retail for the rest of my life... if i wanted to have a "rest of my life". customers make me want to hurt myself. lol.
#3 i made the realization that not being over-programmed like i was in undergrad left me with far too much time to get myself into trouble... not too mention i was making very poor choices about the fellas that i would get involved with. what can i say? has anyone seen the movie down with love? haha! i guess it was easier for me to choose the ones that i knew would hurt me... at least then i didn't have to get my hopes up (but that is a story for anther day...)

that found me in grad school.

grad school was perfect for me. seriously. i loved it. it had everything that i wanted. i was able to go to class (yes, i like to learn, i am a learner), over-program myself with my amazing practicums and assistantships, and work in an environment with an absolutely amazing supervisor and even better students and utilize my empathy talents all day everyday. and i do mean all day (GA's are basically free labor... comparing what i got paid for my 20 hours a week (but really more like 45 - who am i kidding) is insane) but i LOVED it. i wanted to be there. i wanted to work that hard. i wanted to learn that much.

then i graduated.

damn i hate when that happens. lol.

that found me looking for a job. i job-searched all over the country (well, minus NJ. sorry folks, but i lived there while i interned at Rutgers and it did not suit me at all... i don't mind visiting, i just didn't want to live there). and on paper, the job i decided on was perfect. i stress the "on paper" statement.

i ended up in sunny socal all by my lonesome... just me and my cat buddy. the trip across the country with him was epic. we had a blast. (sidenote: i've since adopted another member of the family, willie. he's adorable, too! i'd be lost without them!) i started my new job and realized that it was definitely not what it was "written" up to be. i've struggled to find my niche here, make new friends, relate to anything socal, try not to hate it here, and find my way around... did i mention that i hate to drive?

since then i have found an inner resolve to make the best of things, have the best experience i can, and put everything into this job that i didn't know i was getting in to. which is strange for this typically pessimistic, overly-sensitive person to attempt. but i'm trying...

and all along the road there are the millions of random things that happen, the random people that i meet, and the all the randomness that is me...

wow. was that me in a cliffnote???

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is it worth it...?

"No one can ever promise you they will never hurt you, because at one time or another it will happen. The real promise is if the time you spent together will be worth the pain in the end."
~Source Unknown


i've been telling myself all these years that i have to move on. that i need to let myself take a chance again.

after "he" came along, the one i've always referred to as "The One", i've wondered if i've i missed my one chance. i had it and then i lost it.

and since then... having just come out of the best (and worst) relationships of my existence... i've "dated" other men... but i've never really considered letting them in. they are just small attempts at filling an otherwise cavernous void.

i am really great at choosing disastrous relationships. if there is a bad guy out there (disguised as a good guy) for the taking, i will take him, fall madly in "love" with him and then be left dumbfounded when he leaves and moves on... while i am left confused with handfuls of my broken heart. that or i never let him get close enough to hurt me. my brick walls are tall and thick. but either way... i will always blame myself. while i do know that i play some part in the problems that arise... i let myself take the blame 100%.

it's easy for me to have a crush. i love having crushes... there is little to no post-relationship pain, the feelings usually just fade eventually, or get passed on to the next crush. i'm good at crushes. but they do call them crushes for a reason. don't they? while i completely enjoy the tingle i feel inside when i see them, or the heat that rises from my throat to spread across my cheeks, to fantasize about how things could be. inevitably, it's one-sided. i get nothing in return.

if by some off chance an object of my desire returns my affections... i self-destruct.

there's this fella that i met purely by chance. (i've mentioned him before.) i can not understand why this man wants me. i have this urge to keep asking him why he wants to be with me, when he is going to start treating me badly, when he is going to leave... i'm afraid i've closed off my heart and i'll never be able to allow myself to let him in. i push him away, i shut down, my defenses go up. and i force him to question his desire.

but the worst part is that i yearn for him. not quite the same way that even years after "The One" left, i continued to yearn for him... but in a different way i yearn for him. and i don't want to push him away. i don't want to keep him on the other side of my brick walls. but i don't know how not to. and most of the time... i don't even see that i am doing it until too late.

all of these things have caused quite a bit of heartache over the last few weeks and i've always been the one telling my friends that it has to be worth it to take a risk and open up and make yourself vulnerable to get hurt just to feel those emotions, that tingle, those sparks, that high.

but is it?

that special someone has the potential to bring the darkest clouds we’ve ever encountered. let's be honest... love hurts. being vulnerable to someone is one of the scariest things there is. and if you ever have been hurt by love you can understand what i mean. is it worth the risk that love demands? is the heartache and emptiness and constant questioning of yourself and every one of your actions worth it?

it scares me that i am questioning this because i've always believed deep down that because we know of love’s potential for healing, for companionship, for understanding, for the positive emotional, physical and chemical responses, we take the risk... for without love we are nothing.

without love... what is there?

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