steak sauce...

"marshall, i should feel tremors of psych-itude rock my body like a seizure. that was like a declawed, pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly on a lazy sunday afternoon."

~barney stinson, how i met your mother.


because the only way i feel sane after working all of these 14 hour days lately is coming home and putting on one of the HIMYM dvds i just got in from netflix while i catch up on my blog reader and remind my cats that i really do still live here...

and because barney is hilarious!

(and yes, i know i should be going to bed to catch up on my much needed sleep but for some reason... i just can't catch any good shut-eye lately...)

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we interrupt your regularly scheduled blog...

for these important announcements:

ok. so they are not important to you all. but they are to me.

#1. i am officially on vacation. (alright, not vacation so much as a much needed break to attempt to catch up on sleep and regain some sense of sanity... my insane february schedule and conference tour really caught up to me...)

#2. i am in the midwest. woot! and you all know how much i heart the midwest!!!

#3. i've been doing some thinking (and i imagine there will be a lot more of that over the course of the next few days...), i have a lot of thinking to do, and i need to not think so much. make sense?

#4. i will be sleeping, eating, drinking, napping, watching movies, snoozing, catching up with friends, and catching some zzzz's...

#5. i won't be regularly updating my blog... but i will have plenty of updates when i return... i know you are all just boiling over in anticipation... heehee.

can't wait to update ya'll and catch up on all of your news when i return...

xoxo,
gossip girl.
oh, wait... i mean, calixta.jive.

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alright, alright... here are my "25 random things"...

alright… i finally gave in…


Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.


1. my favorite color in the world is orange… but i love to wear black (debra messing said redheads look hot in black, and she is right!!!), shades of blue calm me down, and i used to wish my gray eyes were green but now i wouldn’t change them a bit.

2. i have 2 cats, buddy and willie. i’ve had buddy since undergrad and he has moved to 3 different states, driven across the country, and lived in 6 (?) different apartments with me! i would be lost without him, he is such a momma’s boy, too! he greets me at the door, gives kisses on command and always cuddles with me. willie on the other hand is quite the handful… i just got him in september and he is definitely still in kitten mode. actually, i think he may be a dog. no joke. he chews everything (and usually eats it!), begs for food, and talks a lot! but all in all, you really can’t beat laying in bed and having each one of my little sweets curled up in the crook of my elbow or in between my knees…

3. i hate talking on the phone… a lot. i love texting, IM’ing, e-mail, facebook, myspace, whatever… but no phone calls. Oh and i hate leaving messages or checking my voicemail… weird, right?

4. i’m not a girly girl (by any means) but i love makeup! it’s like getting to paint-by-numbers your face, in different colors in different ways – everyday! i guess that is the artist in me…

5. speaking of art… i have a bachelor of fine arts degree in graphic communication and a masters of science – education in college student development and administration. and i LOVE learning.. it’s fun for me! right now i am using my master’s degree in my current profession and my graphics degree on the side (and for fun)… but sometimes i wonder if that will ever reverse itself???

6. i am a member of a sorority and am so grateful for each and every wonderfully amazing, talented, brilliant sister i have in my life because of it. Not too mention all the magnificent opportunities!

7. i am completely enthralled with all things retro. i’m talking 1950’s here people. i think i was born in the wrong time! someday i want a completely retro kitchen… and the outfits to go with it!!!

8. i am slightly obsessed with music. and my iTunes. and my iTunes playlists. seriously. and i listen to everything from country to hip-hop. not too mention i have to have music playing AT ALL TIMES. what can i say? the soundtrack to my life is AHHH-mazing!

9. i don’t watch tv anymore (1. because i am never home 2. because i can’t justify paying for cable when i am never home 3. there’s not much on that i want to watch anyway 4. i’d rather watch a movie, yay netflix!) but when i did my favorite shows were, and always will be, gilmore girls and my so-called life!!! i can totally relate to angela chase, I still have a huge crush on jordan catalano… and who doesn’t want to grow up to be lorelai gilmore and have her wardrobe?!?!

10. i am a redhead. a real one. and i love it!

11. my favorite food is cheese. but some people don’t consider that a valid answer because it is not a meal (bah, i say it is!) so my alternative answers would be pizza and gnocchi! and chocolate!!! yum!

12. my favorite season is fall. i love the chilly weather, the leaves, the smell. i love the clothes, scarves, sweaters, and sweatshirts. football season! october is my favorite month, my birthday, and halloween. (other favorites include, but are not limited to: chapstick, shoulder rubs, laughing so hard i sound like an owl, dancing, checking things off my to-do list(s), swimming, staying in a hotel, candles, traveling, mountain dew, m&m’s, busting out a rap, making people happy, and smelling good…)

13. i’m not what i appear to be on first impression. there is a lot more to me and it usually surprises most people when they get to know me further.

14. i absolutely LOVE the green bay packers! i’ve been a huge fan for pretty much my entire life and i am not a fair-weather fan… i’m standing behind my team win or lose! GO PACK GO!

15. i am ridiculously scared of spiders! to an insane level. it makes me physically upset just thinking about them…

16. i have about a million favorite movies but some of my all-times are: sixteen candles (i have the hugest crush on jake ryan and who doesn’t secretly want to be molly ringwald?!?) and the goonies (because who didn’t always want to go hunting for treasures with all of your best friends?).

17. i am my own worst critic. i am very judgmental of myself. i never think that what i do is good enough. and it makes for some seriously low self-esteem and little to no self-worth on my part… not to mention i put everyone and everything in front of myself. but if you ever need anything… just ask. i’ll do whatever i can to make sure you get what you need!

18. i absolutely love to read. i think i get this from my mom. i read every night before i go to bed. stephen king is by far my favorite author. actually… i think he is a god. i have read almost every single one of his books at least 3 times (if not more) and i own almost every one of them also (some i own 2 and 3 copies of…). but i’ll read just about anything i can get my hands on. someday i want a library in my house… books and comfortable chairs and lots of lamps (no overhead lighting… eew!).

19. i have the most amazing friends… all over the country. and i’d be lost with out them. (thank you!)

20. i LOVE the midwest! i miss it so much… the weather, the people, everything! and along with that… i LOVE my family… from my parents to my sisters and brother, to all of my millions of cousins. my family is crazy and amazing and i wish i lived closer to them… they are all so wonderful and unique! it makes my heart swell with happiness just being around them all! i miss them SO much.

21. i am an extremely passionate person. when i care about something/someone, or when something/someone is important to me, i give it my all. (even little things – like the fact that i will always love the packers, i prefer chevy to ford, and i love macs and think PC’s are crap, hee hee!).

22. i am overly sensitive and defensive. i put on a tough act, but really i’m a big ol’ softy and way too emotional for my own good. this makes for some tough relationships… also, i’m an empathy. which i love. but it’s also really hard on me as well. it makes me a quality friend and very good at my profession (i think?). but it weighs heavily on my heart, shoulders, and mind…

23. i enjoy cooking and baking (just not cleaning up afterward!). and one of my favorite hobbies is decorating cakes, cupcakes, and cookies! how much fun is creating art made of deliciousness?!?

24. i love to sleep! unfortunately, i have had trouble sleeping on and off for the past few years and it has taken a toll on me. i’m talking only 3 and 4 hours of sleep a night here people! i just can’t seem to stay asleep… or shut my mind off (i think too much!). i need to not be so stressed out!!!

25. i love clutter. most people would say that i am messy, but i just love to be surround with “stuff!” it makes things cozy. pictures, books, candles, retro collectibles, lamps, ceramics, lots of things that most people would consider junk but hold a memory that i think is priceless… it makes my apartment interesting and my small office very inviting (i think!).


and that is that. just a little glimpse into the randomness that is me! now tell me about you!

i am supposed to tag 25 people… but i’ll leave it at this: if you are reading this, consider yourself tagged!

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i am so lucky...

baltimore was amazing.

my sisters are amazing.

my weekend was amazing.

travel, sisters, leadership, learning, fun, food, spirited beverages, affirmation, laughs, inside jokes, bonding, growing, crying, support, companionship, values, strangers, story time, beyonce, yelling, no sleep, pictures, asians, renewal, growth, quotes, development, time zones, text messages, good times, memories, lifelong bonds...

and remembering that there are people out there that love me, value me, and appreciate me... and always will... just the way that i am.

thank you.

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let's all just take a second...

here's the deal... i've been crazy busy at work (partly because of the time of year, partly because i am not going to be here this weekend, or the next...), as i've stated previously, i've been on a shitshow of an emotional rollercoaster lately, and i am so stressed out that i hurt physically.

therefore, all of the things in my head that i want to type... won't seem to expel themselves through my fingers at the moment. so let's leave it at this... i am SO extremely excited for this weekend!!! i am traveling for a volunteer position and will be at a conference all weekend in maryland (sounds exciting? no? not convinced yet?) and i will get to see some of my all time faves! some of the greatest, most amazing women i have ever met! and it is going to be a long, tiring, stressful, amazing, exciting weekend. and exactly what i need right now... although i will curse the time change with all of my being when i have to get up EARLY all weekend.

and finally, i am doing an extremely good job of keeping my head up amidst all the confusion and frustration and bad luck that is my life right now. and i can't really ask for more than that.

so with that said, i leave you with this... (a pic from one of the greatest scenes in one of my favorite movies "the wedding date", and one of the best quotes from that movie) enjoy!!!


"oh, god. i think i've just come."

~TJ, kat's (debra messing) cousin, after seeing nick mercer (dermot mulroney) for the first time.

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2.0 hours of sleep, v.5

just in case there are any readers out there that are wondering... yes, #23 was supposed to get here yesterday. and no, #23 did not get here yesterday. it's a long, painful, confusing, draining story... so i will spare you the details. i will say this: if i can't trust myself, who can i trust? if i have to doubt myself, how can i not doubt others?

i've spent the last week in a state of utter despair/confusion/fear/nausea and it's really been tearing me apart. so i made a resolution yesterday.

let me preface this a little bit: there is only so much i can do... i can tell him how i feel, i can tell him what i want, i can treat him exactly how i feel he deserves to be treated, i can care about him, and after that... it's out of my hands. and while it sucks to not have any control over the situation, i don't want to force someone to be with me, i don't want to push someone into something they aren't ready for, and ultimately, i don't want to get hurt or be a rebound. not again, not now, not anymore. but this is what it is. and i honestly believe that this is worth it (good god i hope i am not wrong on this one, too...).

and with that, my resolution:

i have to live my life. and i can't let this situation completely take over and consume me. and while this weekend is going to be tough... i have to live my life.

so... with that said, the long weekend that i had planned with #23 (yes, the entire wknd was planned, every event, every meal, everything...) needs to not be spent in complete and utter despair. so what does that mean... you so thoughtfully ask???

i'm filling my days and nights with people, fun, and the ever so popular spirited beverage. starting with last night.

i got some peeps together, including a new fella, L, Ash, among others and had an amazing dinner followed by drinks at my bar where there where many crazy antics and tons of my faves, jack sparrow, brit, JD, charles ingalls, among others. we made random friends, sang inappropriately loud to "black velvet", drank way too many random shots, had a very intense and entertaining discussion about vibrators, laughed way too hard, got propositioned by a helicopter pilot-dirtbike racing-hot tub owner, and generally had an amazing evening. and i have to be proud that every time i go out with L and Ash i manage to get them so schwasted that they don't know which way is up... even after proclaiming they were going to "take it easy" and "be the sober driver." bah! ridiculous!

so even though jack sparrow kissed the random girls (including the orange-haired shellacked-face diva wanna-be), j-rod couldn't take shots with us, i kept my pants on, and D made Ash cry... it was a successful evening. especially since once again, when everyone was kicked out... i wasn't. and since i managed to stay out till the wee hours of the morn', not get any sleep once again, and still be up and ready for work at 9 am this morning (and yes... i'm still at work, and will be until about 11:30 pm - though i did get to have lunch with some of my favorite ladies and dinner with one super sweet hunk!) i pronounce myself AMAZING. let it be known.

and so after i am done with work tonight... let the festivities of the lost weekend continue!!!!!!!

watch out...

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iHop, david hasselhoff, and ham in a can...?

(note: this was sitting in my drafts for some reason... i thought i had posted it on tuesday. so i am going back in time to post it on it's intended date...)


some of my faves (L and her fella, L'N, B, and AC) and i made a sunday morning (ok, ok, it was more like afternoon...) trip to iHop. and it was epic. exactly the laughter and never ending pancakes that i needed...

seriously.

let me just summarize the trip by saying we have come up with 2 extremely exciting business ventures that have limitless possibility (more about that in a minute), we actually had the couple sitting next to us move (yes, we are that loud - alright, who am i kidding, I'M that loud), we scared the family on the other side of us when i decided it would be great to regal the other with tales of my drunken antics and subsequent pants removal... not too mention how i convince others to participate, and we managed to have our waitress go from completely walking away from us when we asked for a 6th chair (hey, there were 6 of us!!!) only to have her come back and say they were all being used at the moment (even though there were a number at the table next to us, which we took) to her offering us extra everything and laughing at our david hasselhoff jokes with us.

i was already in an exceptionally ridiculous mood because of my lack of sleep and my 15 hour work day the day before... add to that the fact that i was in a state of utter confusion with #23 to the point that i was making myself nauseous... it was an iHop trip to remember. you know there are going to be big things happening over pancakes when the first thing you see when you arrive is the sign for the all-you-can-eat pancakes.

hey, iHop's motto is "Come Hungry. Leave Happy." they weren't lying. (although you also leave smelling slightly of breakfast sausage and fried hashbrowns as well...)

i found out that i adore L's new fella. we have a common love for L and ridiculousness, not to mention we bonded over french vanilla coffe creamer, slabs of butter, and the butter pecan flavored syrup (what? you didn't know they had that? oh yes... but you ahve to ask for it. and even then, some waitstaff will deny its existence... but let me tell you... it exists and it is divine!). how happy am i for her? immensely. she really deserves someone who will treat her like the wonderful person she is. yay!

on to the business adventures... be forewarned: these are amazing ideas and you may not, under any circumstances, steal them. consider this your warning!

first: iHof. the restaurant dedicated to david hasselhoff and his complete and utter amazingness. we are taking themed uniforms, tvs all over playing baywatch in multiple languages, plates featuring his glorious face. and his music! oh his music will be piped in everywhere... especially the bathrooms. food cleverly named after him and his wonderful cinematic existence, look-alikes spread widely throughout the restaurant, mirrors manufactured by apple that make you appear as though you have his glorious girls and thick chest hair... and no... iHof will not be open 24-hours like iHop... we need to limit peoples intake of the Hof, or they may NEVER leave.

it is going to be glorious.

second: ham whiz. similar to it's dairy cousin cheese whiz and squeeze cheese. for some reason we have a running joke involving ordering food with "ham on it" and form there everything went south. so alas, HAM WHIZ was born! it is going to be this amazing shade of pink and you can use it on anything... even straight outta the can! think of the possibilities! and the marketing that could go along with it. hell, we could even sell combo packs of ham'n'cheese whiz.

seriously. we are brilliant.

oh how i love iHop........

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2.NO hours of sleep v.4...

due to the fact that i have gotten approximately 11 hours of sleep since thursday... and not just because i have been having trouble sleeping (which i have been) but also due to my own antics, as mentioned here, this post should have been written yesterday...

but here goes nothing...

after having a late night thursday and a rough morning on friday, not to mention a very long, busy day on friday, when i finally left work friday night i was ready to tear up the town. unfortunately the dr. had to work til midnight so i went home and got ready, danced around to T.I., and then headed out to meet VW and wait (im)patiently for the dr. to meet up with us. of course VW ends up being late, and i ended up sitting there alone - which i dreaded was an omen for lousy night. luckily all of my faves were present and they did an amazing job keeping my entertained. you know you have a problem when you consider the majority of people that work at the bar to be your friends (example - after having traveled over the holidays, and then being sick, when i showed up at the bar on thursday night i was greeted with hugs and exclamations of joy by all of the bar staff!!! not too mention my drink of choice was waiting for me on the bar before i could even sit down... yay!)... but i love it.

i managed to drink my weight in hard alcohol and flit between the dr., VW, my bar faves - jack sparrow, the brit, JD, my lovely, and charles ingalls, etc... not to mention the line to the bathroom all evening. it was epic... as i had predicted. the night was seemingly going to come to a close with a late night food run until for some reason when elvis (the creepy bouncer) kicked everyone out, he let me stay, i made the unintelligent decision that it would be a great idea to stay with the bar staff and keep dancing and drinking until the wee hours of the morn'.

ummm... not the smarted idea ever. i woke up the next morning sleeping in charles ingalls bed next to my lovely, with JD sleeping on the floor and charles ingalls asleep in the chair at approximately 8:15 am. (all the while, the dr. is pissed at me for ditching him, which was never my intention. what can i say, i'm an insensitive idiot when i'm wasted and all i want to do is take shots and shake my ass) keeping in mind that we didn't even leave the bar until well after 4...

i then had to find my pants (yes, i take my pants off when i'm drunk), speed walk back to my car which luckily wasn't that far away, make it home so i could change and grab my stuff before heading the work retreat i was presenting 8 sessions at all day...

ohmygosh. i am a masochist. seriously.

i managed to make it through the day quite successfully and then around 8:30 pm i ran home, took a quick shower and headed back to work for one of our late night events in which i had to be present from 9:30 pm - 2 am... lets just say i was so exhausted it was painful. these late night events tend to be either extremely boring, or ridiculously crazy. this one was of course - boring. therefore ended up feeling like an awkward 4 hour-long date with the 18 year old that was also there... unfortunate. really.

the worst part? i was so tired when i finally made it home that i couldn't sleep!

which brings me to today... exhausted.

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2.NO hours of sleep v.3...

actually... scratch that. make v.3 0.NO hours of sleep...

and it hurts. but once again... so worth it.

deciding to head out after 11:30 pm when i was already in my pj's in bed reading and ready to get up at 4 am to finish packing was probably not my smartest decision ever, but... i only live once. and i had so much fun with the "charles ingalls" and the guys.

hmmmm...

so now... i'm actually sitting in the airport in Denver enjoying the access to free wifi (how much does that rock?!) thinking about how much sleep i can fit into my multiple plane rides without being completely a zombie for the car ride home with my sister... not that i will be. i know when i see her and my nephew that i am going to freak out!

i am so excited to be headed home to WI/MI for thanksgiving, it's pretty much ridiculous.

seriously. ;o)

i'll be sure to keep you posted when i make it to a computer...

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2.NO hours of sleep v.2...

i did it again. and i am once again... exhausted. with no regrets.

new friends are good and "charles ingalls" makes me think. he makes everything seem surreal.

he's brilliant, and confusing, and underrated, and wonderful, and surprising, and kind, and beautiful, and a mystery.

he needs a friend and i think i'm hooked...

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2.NO hours of sleep...

what am i thinking???

oh how surreal is "charles ingalls"??? the way his laugh makes me want to hug him. the way he gets that sparkle in his eyes when he looks at me. the way he tilts his head when he wants an answer from me. the way he always surprises me with the things that he says. the way its unbelievable that he even gives me the time of day. the way i feel when i catch his eye through a crowd of people. the way that he looks away when i want an answer from him. the way that i am so exhausted i can't think...

i'm being so incredibly stupid...

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drained...

so many thoughts and emotions and things running through my head right now.

so much so that it hurts.

and it's really not helping that i am exhausted. (...and i have been for weeks... and now i'm sick because of it.)

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sleepless binge...

i am completely and utterly overtaken with exhaustion. i can't seem to comprehend basic things any longer. i am even more forgetful than normal. i am even more disorganized that my usual self. it's actually getting kind of ridiculous.

there have been numerous periods in my life that i have struggled with insomnia, problems sleeping, troubles staying asleep, or what have you. but this might even be worse. at least during those other dark sleepless days the little bit of sleep that i did get was decent... i just couldn't stay asleep.

these days the sleep i get is terrible. it's never very deep. i barely fall below the surface before i am waking up constantly. i toss and turn the whole night through. and when morning finally officially comes i not only feel like i just laid down, but i literally feel like i am hungover. and i don't normally get hungover (although it has happened a few times now that i am getting "older"). so even though i am not getting the enjoyment of a few too many spirited beverages, i wake up feeling like i did a couple rounds with my good friends jack and jose.

it was annoying at first. it then became a hassle. it then moved on to being a big frustration. it has now transitioned to being physically painful. i can't concentrate. its giving me ridiculous mood swings. i have constant headaches. i can't think straight. and my body physically hurts.

what i wouldn't give for a shoulder rub (one of my most favorite things in the world!).

seriously.

and what really takes the cake... my philosophy has always been that there are 2 reasons for living:
1) good food
2) good sleep

and since i'm trying to eat healthier and diet, i'm missing #1 and now i can't seem to get any #2. and its not like i have any fellas around to give me a shoulder rub, so... what does that leave me?

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