2.0 hours of sleep, v.5

just in case there are any readers out there that are wondering... yes, #23 was supposed to get here yesterday. and no, #23 did not get here yesterday. it's a long, painful, confusing, draining story... so i will spare you the details. i will say this: if i can't trust myself, who can i trust? if i have to doubt myself, how can i not doubt others?

i've spent the last week in a state of utter despair/confusion/fear/nausea and it's really been tearing me apart. so i made a resolution yesterday.

let me preface this a little bit: there is only so much i can do... i can tell him how i feel, i can tell him what i want, i can treat him exactly how i feel he deserves to be treated, i can care about him, and after that... it's out of my hands. and while it sucks to not have any control over the situation, i don't want to force someone to be with me, i don't want to push someone into something they aren't ready for, and ultimately, i don't want to get hurt or be a rebound. not again, not now, not anymore. but this is what it is. and i honestly believe that this is worth it (good god i hope i am not wrong on this one, too...).

and with that, my resolution:

i have to live my life. and i can't let this situation completely take over and consume me. and while this weekend is going to be tough... i have to live my life.

so... with that said, the long weekend that i had planned with #23 (yes, the entire wknd was planned, every event, every meal, everything...) needs to not be spent in complete and utter despair. so what does that mean... you so thoughtfully ask???

i'm filling my days and nights with people, fun, and the ever so popular spirited beverage. starting with last night.

i got some peeps together, including a new fella, L, Ash, among others and had an amazing dinner followed by drinks at my bar where there where many crazy antics and tons of my faves, jack sparrow, brit, JD, charles ingalls, among others. we made random friends, sang inappropriately loud to "black velvet", drank way too many random shots, had a very intense and entertaining discussion about vibrators, laughed way too hard, got propositioned by a helicopter pilot-dirtbike racing-hot tub owner, and generally had an amazing evening. and i have to be proud that every time i go out with L and Ash i manage to get them so schwasted that they don't know which way is up... even after proclaiming they were going to "take it easy" and "be the sober driver." bah! ridiculous!

so even though jack sparrow kissed the random girls (including the orange-haired shellacked-face diva wanna-be), j-rod couldn't take shots with us, i kept my pants on, and D made Ash cry... it was a successful evening. especially since once again, when everyone was kicked out... i wasn't. and since i managed to stay out till the wee hours of the morn', not get any sleep once again, and still be up and ready for work at 9 am this morning (and yes... i'm still at work, and will be until about 11:30 pm - though i did get to have lunch with some of my favorite ladies and dinner with one super sweet hunk!) i pronounce myself AMAZING. let it be known.

and so after i am done with work tonight... let the festivities of the lost weekend continue!!!!!!!

watch out...