is it worth it...?

"No one can ever promise you they will never hurt you, because at one time or another it will happen. The real promise is if the time you spent together will be worth the pain in the end."
~Source Unknown


i've been telling myself all these years that i have to move on. that i need to let myself take a chance again.

after "he" came along, the one i've always referred to as "The One", i've wondered if i've i missed my one chance. i had it and then i lost it.

and since then... having just come out of the best (and worst) relationships of my existence... i've "dated" other men... but i've never really considered letting them in. they are just small attempts at filling an otherwise cavernous void.

i am really great at choosing disastrous relationships. if there is a bad guy out there (disguised as a good guy) for the taking, i will take him, fall madly in "love" with him and then be left dumbfounded when he leaves and moves on... while i am left confused with handfuls of my broken heart. that or i never let him get close enough to hurt me. my brick walls are tall and thick. but either way... i will always blame myself. while i do know that i play some part in the problems that arise... i let myself take the blame 100%.

it's easy for me to have a crush. i love having crushes... there is little to no post-relationship pain, the feelings usually just fade eventually, or get passed on to the next crush. i'm good at crushes. but they do call them crushes for a reason. don't they? while i completely enjoy the tingle i feel inside when i see them, or the heat that rises from my throat to spread across my cheeks, to fantasize about how things could be. inevitably, it's one-sided. i get nothing in return.

if by some off chance an object of my desire returns my affections... i self-destruct.

there's this fella that i met purely by chance. (i've mentioned him before.) i can not understand why this man wants me. i have this urge to keep asking him why he wants to be with me, when he is going to start treating me badly, when he is going to leave... i'm afraid i've closed off my heart and i'll never be able to allow myself to let him in. i push him away, i shut down, my defenses go up. and i force him to question his desire.

but the worst part is that i yearn for him. not quite the same way that even years after "The One" left, i continued to yearn for him... but in a different way i yearn for him. and i don't want to push him away. i don't want to keep him on the other side of my brick walls. but i don't know how not to. and most of the time... i don't even see that i am doing it until too late.

all of these things have caused quite a bit of heartache over the last few weeks and i've always been the one telling my friends that it has to be worth it to take a risk and open up and make yourself vulnerable to get hurt just to feel those emotions, that tingle, those sparks, that high.

but is it?

that special someone has the potential to bring the darkest clouds we’ve ever encountered. let's be honest... love hurts. being vulnerable to someone is one of the scariest things there is. and if you ever have been hurt by love you can understand what i mean. is it worth the risk that love demands? is the heartache and emptiness and constant questioning of yourself and every one of your actions worth it?

it scares me that i am questioning this because i've always believed deep down that because we know of love’s potential for healing, for companionship, for understanding, for the positive emotional, physical and chemical responses, we take the risk... for without love we are nothing.

without love... what is there?