the winds that blow remind me, of what has been, and what can never be...

i've been struggling while attempting to summarize this past weekend.

not sure of what to say or how to go about saying it. but i feel like no matter how it ends up coming out... i need to say something.

it all started friday... besides staying out way too late and drinking way too much on thursday night, i was doing rather well for being so excited (nervous) i couldn't sit still. i picked the ranger up at the airport (and even though it was pouring buckets and traffic was terrible, i was only 10 minutes late!) and he greated me with a rose and before he said he even said hello he asked...

"will you be my valentine?"

and that small exchange sets the example for exactly how the rest of the weekend works out. wonderful.

i will keep all the specific details to a minimum... they are still floating lazily through my thoughts, reminding me of all the special moments that we shared between us in the short time we had together. let's just say that there was lots of laughter, smiles, drinks, my first drunken trips to Denny's, entwined hands, stories, hugs, the rangers first visit to In-n-Out, jokes, sightseeing, mini golf, good food, more drinks, bowling alley karaoke, and kisses. we acted like tourists and long lost loves. we fell right back in to "comfortable" and it felt amazing.

and it was so completely unexplainable to be able to lay down next to someone that i love at the end of the day and have his arm around me as i fall asleep listening to his slow steady breathing like a lullaby.

and it started to hit me as we were laying in bed sunday night and he was telling me about how he gets depressed every time he has to leave someplace. and i told him that he couldn't feel that way yet... because we still had the night and the morning. but inside i completely agreed and my heart was already starting to ache.

i held in my emotions as i drove him back to the airport. i didn't let it hit me until i was on my way home. and again at work. and again on my dinner break. and again after my late meetings. and again as i was laying in bed...

alone.

we figured out that before new years it had been over 4 years since we had actually seen each other in person. it didn't feel that long. but thinking about going that long without seeing him again makes me ache. and knowing that he is only going to be in NC until the end of the year and then he is moving to Germany for what could be 2 years or more doesn't really make the future any brighter... or clearer.

and now i'm forced to face climbing into bed alone again tonight.

maybe i'll sleep on the couch...