i've kept all the words you said in a box underneath my bed...

i have a lot of things to say... so bear with me.

because i couldn't say it then, i am going to try and say it now. (if only because i need to get it out).

written last week:

2009 has been one intense rollercoaster of emotions so far. i thought i found "love." and i've lost it already.

#23 was a whirlwind. everything involved... from our chance meeting and everything that followed. i got caught up in the idea of fate, love, happiness, and someone to fill all those empty holes in my heart (and whose heart i could fill in return). i wanted to believe him when he told me he was ready. i wanted to believe him when he asked me to be his. i wanted to believe him when he told me he loved me.

but i should've known better.

it's all too much to write down. it hurts too much to remember. too many moments of joy that hurt my heart now. i thought i had found exactly what i needed, what was right for me. but once again... i was wrong. and i'm tired of being wrong. and i'm tired of being alone.

i wanted to take care of him. he asked me to be open and honest... and i was (which is new to me). but he wasn't. and that led me here.

i need to take care of myself for once. and i need to find someone that wants to take care of me - and that will let me take care of him.

i want to be a better me. i want to be someone worth having. worth loving. worth fighting for.

he broke my heart.

but i can't let this destroy me. i can't.

i will be better. i will get stronger. i will do what i have to do. i will let myself be happy. i will take care of myself.

and not because he said to... but because i deserve it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

update:

i'm surprise by how well i am doing. seriously. it hasn't even been 2 weeks and i'm holding my own. ;o)

i've realized there's more. there IS more. (that wasn't it for me...)

i've done a good job of not spending my time and energy dwelling on the past, lost in what was and what might have been, trying to analyze what i could have done differently. instead, i've been creating space and time between all of those memories and feelings. but it isn't a bad thing! it's good i swear! and it's actually working quite well.

everything was too fresh, the feelings to new, the frustrations burned too deeply.

and i don't want to resent #23. i don't want to reject the unexplainable events surrounding our meeting and short whirlwind relationship.

part of me knows that i should. because ultimately, i did all that i could. but that's just it. i DID do ALL that i could.

he's not ready. not in the right place. it's not me. i believe it would be the same with anyone at this point.

and that is OK.

i have to be ok with that because i understand. i understand completely. he doesn't grasp just how much i understand. but i do.

and that is OK, too.

that are some things that i know... (and often need to remind myself of) - i am not worthless. i do have people that love me for who i am... just the way that i am. i'm not perfect, and that's OK. i can't fix everything. sometimes i do need to take care of myself. being happy is OK. loving someone is OK... even if they do not love you in return (love is something to be shared, not something to keep to yourself).

and i may be a little bit lost and a lot confused (more on that... later. :o), but it's OK to take it one day at a time.

i don't have to doubt myself all the time.

and in the meantime... maybe it is fate that has brought me to this point in time (again, more on this later...oh the suspense... ;o).

i'm not entirely sure what exactly is responsible for my completely changed outlook. i think it has to be a combination of things... that just happened to click into place all at the same time. it's really hard to put it all into words...

• because i had hit another extreme low and because i had lost hope for any other options but despair...
• because i understand where #23 is coming from...
• because i'm tired of being unhappy...
• because i'm the only one who can change things for myself (even if i don't have control over everything, i do have control over SOME things)...
• because i realized that my sisters value me, love me, appreciate me, find me funny. and they aren't the only ones...
• because i got that unexpected phone call at the exact perfect moment...

so many things, so many thoughts, so many feelings...

and no matter how much i want something to work, forcing it will never work in the end. and ultimately, i do want #23 to be happy.

i really do.

and i want to be happy.

and you know what? maybe that isn't too much to ask. maybe that isn't too selfish of me...