seriously...?

how can i be sick? again?


(things just keep getting better and better...)

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nowhere to hide...

give me something to believe in.
so write it down,
i don't think that i'll close my eyes
'cause lately i'm not dreaming
so what's the point in sleeping?
it's just that at night,
i've got nowhere to hide.

to the sleepless, this is my reply:
i will write you a lullaby,
a lullaby.

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is it worth it...?

"No one can ever promise you they will never hurt you, because at one time or another it will happen. The real promise is if the time you spent together will be worth the pain in the end."
~Source Unknown


i've been telling myself all these years that i have to move on. that i need to let myself take a chance again.

after "he" came along, the one i've always referred to as "The One", i've wondered if i've i missed my one chance. i had it and then i lost it.

and since then... having just come out of the best (and worst) relationships of my existence... i've "dated" other men... but i've never really considered letting them in. they are just small attempts at filling an otherwise cavernous void.

i am really great at choosing disastrous relationships. if there is a bad guy out there (disguised as a good guy) for the taking, i will take him, fall madly in "love" with him and then be left dumbfounded when he leaves and moves on... while i am left confused with handfuls of my broken heart. that or i never let him get close enough to hurt me. my brick walls are tall and thick. but either way... i will always blame myself. while i do know that i play some part in the problems that arise... i let myself take the blame 100%.

it's easy for me to have a crush. i love having crushes... there is little to no post-relationship pain, the feelings usually just fade eventually, or get passed on to the next crush. i'm good at crushes. but they do call them crushes for a reason. don't they? while i completely enjoy the tingle i feel inside when i see them, or the heat that rises from my throat to spread across my cheeks, to fantasize about how things could be. inevitably, it's one-sided. i get nothing in return.

if by some off chance an object of my desire returns my affections... i self-destruct.

there's this fella that i met purely by chance. (i've mentioned him before.) i can not understand why this man wants me. i have this urge to keep asking him why he wants to be with me, when he is going to start treating me badly, when he is going to leave... i'm afraid i've closed off my heart and i'll never be able to allow myself to let him in. i push him away, i shut down, my defenses go up. and i force him to question his desire.

but the worst part is that i yearn for him. not quite the same way that even years after "The One" left, i continued to yearn for him... but in a different way i yearn for him. and i don't want to push him away. i don't want to keep him on the other side of my brick walls. but i don't know how not to. and most of the time... i don't even see that i am doing it until too late.

all of these things have caused quite a bit of heartache over the last few weeks and i've always been the one telling my friends that it has to be worth it to take a risk and open up and make yourself vulnerable to get hurt just to feel those emotions, that tingle, those sparks, that high.

but is it?

that special someone has the potential to bring the darkest clouds we’ve ever encountered. let's be honest... love hurts. being vulnerable to someone is one of the scariest things there is. and if you ever have been hurt by love you can understand what i mean. is it worth the risk that love demands? is the heartache and emptiness and constant questioning of yourself and every one of your actions worth it?

it scares me that i am questioning this because i've always believed deep down that because we know of love’s potential for healing, for companionship, for understanding, for the positive emotional, physical and chemical responses, we take the risk... for without love we are nothing.

without love... what is there?

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another bad day...

"it's been a bad day, another bad day
and all i want to do is look at you and know i'm okay.

when i wake up in the morning is it gonna be another ugly day?"


how do i get myself into situations like this? i'm a magnet for heartache and despair... i think i've come to terms with that.

but this? a text message. to someone else.

seriously?

is this real?

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seems its my destiny...

shadows are fallin' all over town
another night and these blues got me down
oh, misery... i sure could use some company.

since you've been gone, i ain't been the same
i carry the weight like an old ball and chain
guess its all meant to be for love to cause such misery

oh misery...
oh misery...
tell me why does my heart make a fool of me?
seems its my destiny
for love to cause me misery.

and, oh... i've been down this road before
with a passion that turns into pain
and each time i saw love walk out the door
i swore never get caught again

but ain't it true? it takes what it takes
and sometimes we get too smart to leave.
one more heartache for me
another night of misery...

and oh misery... oh misery...
tell me why does my heart make a fool of me?
oh misery... oh misery...
tell me why, why, why, why, why,
why does this heart make a fool of me?
seems its my destiny for love to cause
misery, oh... misery...

guess its all meant to be
for love to cause me
misery...
misery.

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lie to me...

lie to me and tell me everything is all right
lie to me and tell me that you'll stay here tonight
tell me that you'll never leave
oh, and i'll just try to make believe
that everything, everything your telling me is true
come on baby won't you just

lie to me, go ahead and lie to me

lie to me, it doesn't matter anymore
it could never be, the way it was before
if i can't hold on to you
leave me somethin' i can hold onto
for just a little while won't you, won't you let me be

lie to me, go ahead and lie to me…

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another year goes by...

"so they say it's your birthday!..."
~ farmer ted

i just might have broken the 7 year streak of bad birthdays...

fingers crossed.

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i'll be your downfall...

i wonder how you sleep
i wonder what you think of me
if i could go back
would you have ever been with me
i want you to be uneased
i want you to remember
i want you to believe in me
i want you on my side
come on and...

lay it down
i've always been with you
here and now
give all that's within you
be my savior
and i'll be your downfall

here we go again
ashamed of being broken in
we're getting off track
i want to get you back, again
i want you to trouble me
i wanted you to linger
i want you to agree with me
i want so much so bad
come on and...

lay it down
i've always been with you
here and now
give all that's within you
be my savior
and i'll be your downfall

yeah be my savior
only love can save us now
love save me now
only love can save us now
i'll be your downfall
our love can save us now
love save me now

lay it down
i've always been with you
here and now
give all that's within you
be my savior
and i'll be your downfall

now i'm back, on my own
yeah my feet are heavy, made of stone
i'll make you go, where i go
well they're here, can i take you home
and i'm coming home, on my back
kissing me, your lips painted black

i'll be your downfall...

let me be your downfall.

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i've never been good enough...

she said i don't know if i've ever been good enough,
i'm a little bit rusty, and i think my head is caving in.
and i don't know if i've ever been really loved
by a hand that's touched me, and i feel like something's gonna give.
and i'm a little bit angry, well…

this ain't over, no not here, not while i still need you around
you don't owe me, we might change it
yeah we just might feel good

i wanna push you around, well i will, well i will
i wanna push you down, well i will, well i will
i wanna take you for granted, i wanna take you for granted
well i will

she said i don't know why you ever would lie to me

like i'm a little un-trusting when i think that the truth is gonna hurt ya.
and i don't know why you couldn't just stay with me,
you couldn't stand to be near me,
when my face don't seem to want to shine
cause it's a little bit dirty well…

don't just stand there, saying nice things to me
i've been cheated, i've been wronged, and you,
you don't know me, i can't change
i won't do anything at all

i wanna push you around, well i will, well i will
i wanna push you down, well i will, well i will
i wanna take you for granted, i wanna take you for granted
well i will

oh but don't bowl me over,
just wait a minute well it kinda fell apart, things get so crazy, crazy
don't rush this baby, don't rush this baby…

i wanna push you around, well i will, well i will
i wanna push you down, well i will, well i will
i wanna take you for granted, yeah yeah yeah.i wanna take you, take you...
well i will.
push you around.
drag you down.
push you around.
well i will.

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bad mood...

would you want me when i'm not myself?
wait it out while i am someone else?

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StrengthsQuest #1 - Empathy

and here it is folks... if you thought that the other top 4 were perfect definitions of my strengths, wait until you get a load of this...

this defines me.

completely.

Empathy

Theme Description

You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person’s perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person’s predicament—this would be sympathy, not Empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. This instinctive ability to understand is powerful. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need. Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings—to themselves as well as to others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you.

Action Items

You can sense what it feels like to be someone else.

You can pick up on the pain and joy of others -- sometimes before they express it. Other people feel heard by you and experience your compassion.

Because you can quickly understand others, people are drawn to you when they have a need or a problem, especially in relationships.

Your Empathy can be challenging because you may become overwhelmed with all of the emotions you can pick up in a day.

You have a natural ability for getting in touch with the feelings of others. Hone this talent by refining the words you use to name the feelings you experience and those you observe in others. Help others name their feelings, as well. People who can name their feelings seem to work better with other people.

At times your Empathy talents can drain you, if you are not careful to develop rituals at the end of each day that allow you to "decompress."

Absorbing others' emotions sometimes leads to experiencing those emotions yourself. Establish clear boundaries between yourself and those to whom you connect.

If you pick up negative emotions more easily than the positive, you may need to intentionally become more aware of positive emotions. This proactivity can keep you more balanced and emotionally rewarded.

You are an emotional person, and you need to express your own emotions to someone you trust.

Sometimes it is important to be silent. You likely have the talent to let people understand you know how they are feeling, without even talking. Refine your nonverbal communication skills.

Let others know you can feel their pain and that tears are okay. Communicating that you understand their feelings builds trust.

Keep a journal in which you reflect on what you learned from other people and their passions, fears, joys, and other emotions.

As soon as you have an idea, write it down, including your feelings about it.

When you read, identify how you can relate the emotions of the characters to your own or those of people you know. This will make the material come alive for you and help you remember the it better.

Discuss issues that are on your mind with your friends. You are usually there for them. Allow them, likewise, to be there for you. Share you feelings with them, because they may not be able to identify feelings as easily as you do.

Use your Empathy talents when conflicts arise at work and other group settings.

Be careful not to let those you support overwhelm you. Just as it is important you be there for your friends and family whenever they need you, it is crucial that you keep your goals a priority.

Become involved in activities, clubs, or organizations that will help you feel like you're making a difference with individuals through your empathy.

Consider working with students to help them to better understand their own feelings and sort through their emotions.

Position yourself as a confidante for your students. Many students feel overwhelmed at school; you'll understand and help them get through the difficulties they're facing.

Because you're nonjudgmental and understand the feelings of individuals, you'll be a welcome addition to most groups.

The "emotional tone" of your work environment is important. You might find that surrounding yourself with others who are positive and upbeat is highly rewarding.

Seek work environments in which emotions are valued and not repressed. The rich emotional economy will be the perfect environment for your Empathy talents.


how freaky is that???

(* note the italics... things i need to think about. seriously.)

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StrengthsQuest #2 - Learner

my #2. i am such a nerd. ;o)

Learner

Theme Description

You love to learn. The subject matter that interests you most will be determined by your other themes and experiences, but whatever the subject, you will always be drawn to the process of learning. The process, more than the content or the result, is especially exciting for you. You are energized by the steady and deliberate journey from ignorance to competence. The thrill of the first few facts, the early efforts to recite or practice what you have learned, the growing confidence of a skill mastered—this is the process that entices you. Your excitement leads you to engage in adult learning experiences—yoga or piano lessons or graduate classes. It enables you to thrive in dynamic work environments where you are asked to take on short project assignments and are expected to learn a lot about the new subject matter in a short period of time and then move on to the next one. This Learner theme does not necessarily mean that you seek to become the subject matter expert, or that you are striving for the respect that accompanies a professional or academic credential. The outcome of the learning is less significant than the “getting there.”

Action Items

You want to continuously learn and improve.

You enjoy the process of learning as much as what you actually learn -- perhaps even more.

You get a thrill out of learning new facts, beginning a new subject, and mastering an important skill. Learning builds your confidence.

You can get frustrated about wanting to learn so many different things because you fear you'll never be an expert.

You are energized by the challenge of keeping up with constantly changing fields.

Identify your own learning style. How do you learn best -- through doing? By reading? When you listen to experts? When you are able to work with friends in a group? Find your best learning environments and organize your life so that you are in these environments more. Use your Learner talents to learn about yourself -- and achieve more in the process.

Find ways to track the progress of your learning. If there are distinct levels or stages of learning within a body of knowledge or skill, celebrate your progression from one level to the next. If no such levels exist, create them for yourself. (For example, set a goal of reading five books on the subject.)

You love the challenge of a steep learning curve, so beware of learning plateaus. Seek opportunities to stretch yourself with more difficult or complex assignments and courses.

Learning is meaningful to you. Keep the mentality that you are never done learning, not even when school is over. You are a lifelong learner. Keep a journal of "lessons learned" that you can go back to often.

You love the process of learning so much that the outcome may not matter to you. As a result, you may have a number of unfinished projects that you plan to come back to "someday."

Keep a journal in which you reflect on what you learned from your experiences.

Exceed expectations. Do more than is required of you.

Look at every situation as a possible learning experience. This approach will help you become aware of what you do well and where you need help.

Always ask, "What did I learn from this?"

Have lots of conversations on subjects you are passionate about with people who are interested in learning.

Build relationships with those from whom you want to learn.

Don't restrict your learning experiences to the classroom. Engage in activities in which you can expand your knowledge about subject that interest you most.

Choose a work environment that encourages constant learning or where study is a way of life.

Environments that value the learning process will bring out your best, particularly if you will have opportunities to develop strengths.

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