oh hell yes, i'm a nervous wreck... oh hell yes, the drugs just make me reset...

i'm struggling terribly with the task of letting all of the thoughts that are stuck in my head slide out through my fingertips and press themselves into the keyboard and onto the computer screen. they don't want to formulate themselves into comprehensible thoughts. they want to stay intangible and unjustifiable. this is what i do to myself.

let me attempt to explain...

i am a master of self-sabotage. seriously. if there was a degree in self-sabotage you would all be addressing me as dr., thank you. (or is it that i am my own worst enemy? my own worst critic? fuck if i know...) i find something that makes me happy... and then i ruin it. i destroy it. i push it away.

and i haven't done it yet, but i feel my thoughts turning darker and all of my inner doubts creeping in and taking over my otherwise sunshine filled demeanor (which in itself is odd because i am sergeant pessimist, nancy negative, hell... captain backfire... but i digress).

but then again, maybe its because i am at home. with my family. they have that effect on me.

do you want to read my unending description of how i'll never be enough for my family, how i will never live up to their expectations, how i am not a good enough daughter/sister? no? i thought so.

so i'll leave it at this... i will not let these holiday blues ruin what i have going right now. i won't.

i can't.

so in complete disregard of my current state of mind (and the fact that it is -10 degrees here and i can't seem to feel my toes or get my mother to turn the heat over 65 degrees) i will lament you with a brief summary of the first 1/3 of my holiday hiatus...

i was lucky enough to convince #23 to pick me up at the airport... even though it was blizzarding and the middle of the night and he had other places he was supposed to be. i am one lucky girl. i got to spend the next few days encircled in the bliss that is 3 parts desire, 2 parts fervor, 4 parts adoration and 2 parts midwestern winter. i simply cannot portray just how enamored i am with him. it's intense... and confusing. it makes my knees weak, and my heart race, and mind reel. and the most troubling part of it all? i have no idea 1) how he feels, 2) where this is going, and 3) why the hell he is spending his time with me...

dammit... i'm doing it again and i said i wouldn't.

sorry.

another highlight of the trip so far was getting to see some of my sweets for a night of good food, good fun, way too much laughing and large quantities of liquor. one of the best nights i've had in a LONG time. it was just like old times... and in a completely great way. just another reminder of how much i need to move back to the midwest. and my sweets are amazing... i love them so! not too mention, they simply adored #23 (yes, he agreed to partake in our night of debauchery and probably learned a little bit more about me than he was prepared for... lol.) and he seemed to enjoy himself. although staying up until 5:30 am the night before his family christmas festivities was probably not the smartest thing for me to entice him into... woops.

and now i'm up north... (farther up north) and trying my damnedest to get in some relaxing time without driving myself crazy before my families each partake in their christmas extracurriculars and i get to see a never-ending line-up of cousins (yay!), friends (woot!), and college friends and sisters (double woot!), some of whom i haven't seen in years!

i will be sure to fill you in whenever i get a chance to hit up the internet. and in the meantime, i will do my best to not have my mother disown me... again.

cheers.