love actually IS all around...

one of my favorite holiday movies... and one of the best dialogue exchanges ever. who doesn't love alan rickman's delivery of the line about having "lots of sex and babies"?!?!


SARAH: Harry?

HARRY: Sarah, switch off your phone and tell me exactly how long it is that you've been working here.

SARAH: Two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, what, two hours?

HARRY: And how long have you been in love with Karl, our enigmatic chief designer?

SARAH: Ummm... two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, an hour and 30 minutes.

HARRY: Thought as much.

SARAH: Do you think everybody knows?

HARRY: Yes.

SARAH: Do you think Karl knows?

HARRY: Yes.

SARAH: Oh, that is... that is bad news.

HARRY: I just thought that maybe the time had come to do something about it.

SARAH: Like what?

HARRY: Invite him out for a drink and then after about 20 minutes casually drop into the conversation the fact that you'd like to marry him and have lots of sex and babies.

SARAH: You know that?

HARRY: Yes. And so does Karl. Think about it, for all our sakes. It's Christmas.

SARAH: Certainly. Excellent. Will do. Thanks, boss.

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oh hell yes, i'm a nervous wreck... oh hell yes, the drugs just make me reset...

i'm struggling terribly with the task of letting all of the thoughts that are stuck in my head slide out through my fingertips and press themselves into the keyboard and onto the computer screen. they don't want to formulate themselves into comprehensible thoughts. they want to stay intangible and unjustifiable. this is what i do to myself.

let me attempt to explain...

i am a master of self-sabotage. seriously. if there was a degree in self-sabotage you would all be addressing me as dr., thank you. (or is it that i am my own worst enemy? my own worst critic? fuck if i know...) i find something that makes me happy... and then i ruin it. i destroy it. i push it away.

and i haven't done it yet, but i feel my thoughts turning darker and all of my inner doubts creeping in and taking over my otherwise sunshine filled demeanor (which in itself is odd because i am sergeant pessimist, nancy negative, hell... captain backfire... but i digress).

but then again, maybe its because i am at home. with my family. they have that effect on me.

do you want to read my unending description of how i'll never be enough for my family, how i will never live up to their expectations, how i am not a good enough daughter/sister? no? i thought so.

so i'll leave it at this... i will not let these holiday blues ruin what i have going right now. i won't.

i can't.

so in complete disregard of my current state of mind (and the fact that it is -10 degrees here and i can't seem to feel my toes or get my mother to turn the heat over 65 degrees) i will lament you with a brief summary of the first 1/3 of my holiday hiatus...

i was lucky enough to convince #23 to pick me up at the airport... even though it was blizzarding and the middle of the night and he had other places he was supposed to be. i am one lucky girl. i got to spend the next few days encircled in the bliss that is 3 parts desire, 2 parts fervor, 4 parts adoration and 2 parts midwestern winter. i simply cannot portray just how enamored i am with him. it's intense... and confusing. it makes my knees weak, and my heart race, and mind reel. and the most troubling part of it all? i have no idea 1) how he feels, 2) where this is going, and 3) why the hell he is spending his time with me...

dammit... i'm doing it again and i said i wouldn't.

sorry.

another highlight of the trip so far was getting to see some of my sweets for a night of good food, good fun, way too much laughing and large quantities of liquor. one of the best nights i've had in a LONG time. it was just like old times... and in a completely great way. just another reminder of how much i need to move back to the midwest. and my sweets are amazing... i love them so! not too mention, they simply adored #23 (yes, he agreed to partake in our night of debauchery and probably learned a little bit more about me than he was prepared for... lol.) and he seemed to enjoy himself. although staying up until 5:30 am the night before his family christmas festivities was probably not the smartest thing for me to entice him into... woops.

and now i'm up north... (farther up north) and trying my damnedest to get in some relaxing time without driving myself crazy before my families each partake in their christmas extracurriculars and i get to see a never-ending line-up of cousins (yay!), friends (woot!), and college friends and sisters (double woot!), some of whom i haven't seen in years!

i will be sure to fill you in whenever i get a chance to hit up the internet. and in the meantime, i will do my best to not have my mother disown me... again.

cheers.

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feel that fire...

she wants her nails painted black
she wants the toy in the crackerjack
she wants to ride the bull at the rodeo

she wants to wear my shirt to bed
she wants to make every stray a pet
n' drive around in my truck with no place to go

but she needs to feel that fire
the one that lets her know for sure
she's everything i want and more
a real desire, does she know i'd walk alone out on the wire
to make her feel that fire

she wants a cabin in the woods
she wants to stand where nobody stood
and someday she wants a couple kids of her own

she wants to make love on a train
and some days she only wants a break
hey but she wants what she wants, but man i know, i know, i know

she needs to feel that fire
the one that lets her know for sure
she's everything i want and more
a real desire, does she know i'd walk alone out on the wire
to make her feel that fire
yeah, feel that fire

so as long as there's a breath to take
a smile to share, a prayer to pray
a chance to hold her hand to fan the flame

she's gonna feel that fire
the one that lets her know for sure
she's everything i want and more
her real desire, does she know i'd walk alone out on the wire
yeah, to make her feel that fire
oh feel that fire
she wants her nails painted black

she wants the toy in the crackerjack
she wants to ride the bull at the rodeo

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hurry, hurry, you put my head in such a flurry, flurry...

"my head's in heaven, my soles are in hell...
let's meet in the purgatory of my hips and get well."

how perfect is that?

i just can't stop thinking about what is waiting for me at this end of this flight... but alas my travel saga continues: i am currently sitting in the airport in phoenix (at least i made it this far!) waiting on my delayed flight...

who thinks i'll make it back to the midwest anytime soon?

i sure as hell better... #23 is waiting for me!

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home for the holidays... or not.

alright folks... this morning i made the trek to LAX for what i thought would be an amazing holiday vacation back home to the midwest.

US Airways and the weather in vegas had other ideas.

i made it to the airport with almost 2 hours to get through security. unfortunately that was before i knew the line through security was around the building and out the door. literally. i stood out in the pouring rain for almost an hour. i managed to get through security, run to my gate, board the plane and sit in my seat when they close the doors... phew!

but... then tell me the plane is delayed 15 minutes because its snowing in vegas. not bad, i thought to myself. i settled in trying to calm down my heart rate and lower my blood pressure (i despise being late and the security line did nothing for my health). i then hear the announcement made that our flight has now been canceled, the vegas airport is now closed. apparently they are not well equipped to handle a blizzard and have even run out of de-icer.

super.

they kick us off the plane and guide us to a counter with a line forming approximately 50 yards long when i reach the end. (ultimately the line was all the way down the terminal and every counter ended up having a similar line with all of the canceled and overbooked flights...)

i stood there and waited. and waited. and waited.

and news traveling through the line was never good... i eventually heard the news that we would not be leaving anytime today... and maybe not tomorrow.

super.

so i waited. i couldn't help but tear up. i had been so excited and anxious for the trip... not too mention #23 was supposed to be picking me up from the airport. oh you nasty travel gods... how could you?!?!

when i finally reached the front of the line after waiting 3 hours (!) i was booked on a flight at 4:30 pm tomorrow. the bad part being trying to find a ride back home so i didn't have to sleep in the airport (although the dr. was nice enough to come and get me and #23 talked to me the entire 2 hours i waited there), trying to find a ride to the airport the next day, and knowing that the midwest is supposed to get hit hard with snow tomorrow night so i will probably just be stuck in the phoenix airport instead of vegas tomorrow night.

ugh.

apparently i used up all of my incredibly amazing canceled flight luck on the last trip... here's hoping that i make it to the midwest tomorrow night...

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new music tuesday...

so those of you that know me, know that i am a tiny bit obsessed with music. seriously. my iTunes playlist are organized not only by artist and album but i also have playlists by genre, time period in my life (you know what i'm talking about... all those songs you used to listen to senior year of h.s., lol), and by mood... it's kind of sick.

regardless. today is tuesday. mmm, new music tuesday. and although i have been listening to both of these albums for a couple of days now, i just have to say... i am enjoying them so far.

The All-American Rejects - When The World Comes Down
Fall Out Boy - Folie a Duex

and you can jusdge all you want... tell me they are too mainstream or not original enough. whatever. i don't care. i've come to realize that it isn't about how obscure an album or artist is, or about how many of their shows you've been to, or whether or not you think they've "sold out", it's about whether or not i enjoy the music (and the lyrics). and i do so far...

check out this review of FOB's new album, and AAR's here. i don't agree with everything that is said, but there is some interesting information buried beneath a plethora of adjectives...

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stung...

"after you get stung, you can't get unstung
no matter how much you whine about it."
~lily, the secret life of bees

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what in the world is a RED DOT...?

for those of you wondering what a RED DOT is, let me explain:

this summer i was lucky enough to attend a week long institute for professionals in my field. when you arrive they place you into groups (RED, YELLOW, ORANGE, BLUE, GREEN, etc...). i was lucky enough to be a RED DOT. over the course of the week we learned more than i could have ever imagined, we bonded, had the most amazing RED DOT fellow as our fearless leader, woke up ealry and stayed up late, found comfort in knowing we weren't the only young professionals in our field experiencing the issues we were faced with on a daily basis, we had unbelievable amounts of fun, and left knowing that we not only had an amazing group of RED DOTS to utilize for help, but all of the other dots as well. it was undoubtedly the most beneficial professional experience of my life. and at this most recent conference in Denver, i was lucky enough to be reunited with most of the RED DOTS that i have relied on for advice and counsel over the past few months. it was amazing and renewed my passion for my field!

I HEART THE RED DOTS!


Updated from my journal 7/24/08:

I'm sitting in the airport and i was just hit with the intensity and complexity of everything that just occurred at the Institute.

-knowledge gained, relationships made, walls broken down, spirits challenged...

What's next? Where do I go from here? I've made a breakthrough (thanks to my Red Dots!)

"I can't fix every problem. I am NOT perfect. I am only me. ... And that's OKAY."

Ever since N, B, and i drove away from The House there has been a weight on my chest, a feeling in the back of my throat that there is a dam built up in my mind with a growing crack. I'm wondering when it's going to give out completely. And I'm dreading that the final burst will come when i set down my bags in my apartment and finally face sitting down, alone.

I've made a decision. J2 and I were talking and relating our experience here at the Institute to summer camp. That moment when you say goodbye and you wholeheartedly promise to keep in touch, not just because you are young and naive, but because you honestly believe that you will. You've been in the bubble - the snow globe that has been shaken up - and you are not entirely sure if (or how) you can survive outside the bubble without those connections staying in tact.

Do they stay in tact? No. Do you know why that is? I can make excuses, I can blame life for happening, for continuing to exist around us outside the bubble with no regards as to what went on inside. But that is just what it is, an excuse.

I'm not going to make any excuses this time. I'm not going to blame not having enough time or energy. I'm just going to do it. Will I be closer to some than others? Sure, definitely. But will I keep those connections in tact? Yes. Those bridges we built will stay built.

I'm going to make sure of it.

There are hundreds of things that I have gotten out of the Institute (HUNDREDS) but if the only thing that really truly sticks is that I understand myself a little better, I understand that I can't fix every problem and that I can ask for help... (and that there are people willing, able, and EAGER to help me) then I have just been afforded the most rewarding experience of my entire life.

I've been challenged, my beliefs have been questioned, my values have been tested and my mind has been overwhelmed. I feel defeated, hopeless, and inadequate. But inspired... and there just might be that spark in there, that glimmer of hope.

And that isn't where this ends.

I am not going to let that overwhelmed feeling stop me. I will use that depth of emotion and experience and knowledge. I will grow from it. I will educate with it. I will CHANGE from it.

And I might not feel better tomorrow. In fact, I will NOT feel better tomorrow. I have a sinking feeling that I will feel worse actually. But someday... the little things will add up to a big thing. the plus column will out measure the negative. And the entire time i will know that I am being true to myself, to my values, and to everyone that comes in contact with me.

And I will have conquered something far more vast than the world. I will have conquered myself.

(Thank you to every one of my fellow Red Dots... you inspire me, and challenge me. And to all of the other great Dots and Fellows, you just changed my life...

for the better.)


hope that helped explain a little...

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so many things to say, so many typos...

i've been blogging for only a few months now... it's now become one of my favorite things to do. not to mention i have become addicted to my google reader, lol.

but i've neglected any sort of introduction... i think in part because i didn't know what this was going to become. and in part because i didn't think that anyone else would read it.

it all started because i needed some sort of release. some way to get all of those thoughts and feeling out of my overactive mind. i've never really been good at expressing myself, and i'm certainly not good at opening up to people, so this seemed like a perfect solution.

due to the situation i have managed to get myself into currently... moving across the country from the good ol' midwest to the entirely different country of southern california completely alone... i find myself a twenty-something career-oriented midwesterner completely out of place.

so that brought me here.

let me explain...

i grew up in a very small town in the northern midwest. i went to college, had one of the most amazing experiences of my life,i was focused on education and taking advantage of every opportunity afforded to me, and then i graduated.

has that ever happened to any of you? lol.

no, seriously. i thought my life was all planned out. i couldn't find a job in my field but that didn't phase me because i was patiently waiting for "The One" to graduate so we could move wherever he started law school. i found a retail job, was promoted to supervisor, and started living my life in waiting.

he had different plans.

so alas, i found myself young, single, and working retail. exactly. (did i just reference that part of my life so nonchalantly? wow. impressive.) so i made new friends, drank too much (oh but when is too much, too much, really?), had too much fun. it was great. but then i realized i need to do something with my life.

#1 i couldn't see spending my life counting down the days by which drink special is going on that night (don't get me wrong, this girls loves to drink, i just don't want that to be my priority, i'd like to think i have a more ambitious purpose than that)
#2 i could NOT work retail for the rest of my life... if i wanted to have a "rest of my life". customers make me want to hurt myself. lol.
#3 i made the realization that not being over-programmed like i was in undergrad left me with far too much time to get myself into trouble... not too mention i was making very poor choices about the fellas that i would get involved with. what can i say? has anyone seen the movie down with love? haha! i guess it was easier for me to choose the ones that i knew would hurt me... at least then i didn't have to get my hopes up (but that is a story for anther day...)

that found me in grad school.

grad school was perfect for me. seriously. i loved it. it had everything that i wanted. i was able to go to class (yes, i like to learn, i am a learner), over-program myself with my amazing practicums and assistantships, and work in an environment with an absolutely amazing supervisor and even better students and utilize my empathy talents all day everyday. and i do mean all day (GA's are basically free labor... comparing what i got paid for my 20 hours a week (but really more like 45 - who am i kidding) is insane) but i LOVED it. i wanted to be there. i wanted to work that hard. i wanted to learn that much.

then i graduated.

damn i hate when that happens. lol.

that found me looking for a job. i job-searched all over the country (well, minus NJ. sorry folks, but i lived there while i interned at Rutgers and it did not suit me at all... i don't mind visiting, i just didn't want to live there). and on paper, the job i decided on was perfect. i stress the "on paper" statement.

i ended up in sunny socal all by my lonesome... just me and my cat buddy. the trip across the country with him was epic. we had a blast. (sidenote: i've since adopted another member of the family, willie. he's adorable, too! i'd be lost without them!) i started my new job and realized that it was definitely not what it was "written" up to be. i've struggled to find my niche here, make new friends, relate to anything socal, try not to hate it here, and find my way around... did i mention that i hate to drive?

since then i have found an inner resolve to make the best of things, have the best experience i can, and put everything into this job that i didn't know i was getting in to. which is strange for this typically pessimistic, overly-sensitive person to attempt. but i'm trying...

and all along the road there are the millions of random things that happen, the random people that i meet, and the all the randomness that is me...

wow. was that me in a cliffnote???

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i am now RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME...

can i just say how completely elated i was to see that a couple of my favorite bloggers commented on my blog!

seriously... you made my day!!! i felt just like i did when we were in grade school and it was your birthday and everyone had to be nice to you all day and you were sort of the queen for a day... the problem was no one but me really knew that i was now ridiculously awesome, so i just walked around with a big ol' grin for no apparent reason.

it was priceless.

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i'm a pod person...

alright, something completely strange has happened. i think i may be a pod person.

you doubt me?

i'm totally serious people!!!

while talking with one of my sweets, L, i realized that not only have i been talking on the phone to #23 for extended periods of time(!), daily(!!), but i am looking forward to it(!!!)... and if you know me, you know that I DON'T TALK ON THE PHONE.

EVER.

i will text you till my fingers fall off, i will e-mail you, IM you, Facebook you, MySpace you, whatever you, as long as it DOES NOT involve talking on the phone.

and now, not only am i looking forward to it but I AM SAD WHEN I HAVE TO HANG UP!!!

it's official. i'm a pod person. L has confirmed my diagnosis. she has no idea who i've become...

and it gets worse... the other night (thursday), L and i were enjoying our dinner of tasty in-n-out and talking about our favorite fellas (#23) (we are completely enamored, it's pretty disgusting, lol) when she made a comment about where i think this is going... without even thinking i said this...

"if he asked me to be his girlfriend right now i would totally say yes."

once again, i have to remind those of you who don't know me... i don't do that!

EVER.

i will fight kicking and screaming before "labeling" a relationship. i feel like labels bring on the demise of any potential. seriously. i'm not kidding. the last fella that i "dated" was completely ready to sign me up as GF and i dodged him every way possible... for weeks! and weeks! and its not as if that is what i want or need... it's just about the fact that those words slipped so easily from my mouth without even a thought. that's bizarre!

let's just say that L looked at me in utter shock. she said...

"you must really like this fella."

the thing is... i do. i really do.

i'm a pod person...

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you in a song...

trying to figure out which way i want this to go.
do i want it to be happy or sad or fast or slow?
trying to work it out what it is i feel.
do i wanna rock you, shock you, soothe you, or move you??

i just wanna write you in a song.
put your smile on paper so you can sing along.
i just wanna bottle the sun.
yeah, keep your light a secret i can find when you are gone, gone, gone...

you are like a beautiful tree,
with roots in the ground so deep that they could never be seen.
i'm a leaf that ready to fall,
and the wind's gonna blow me someday away from it all...

i just wanna write you in a song.
put your smile on paper so you can sing along.
i just wanna bottle the sun.
yeah, keep your light a secret i can find when you are gone, gone, gone...

most people when they can't get away,
it makes them more than a little crazy.
well i'm the one that can never stay,
but i'll always have you with me in this song...

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ode to december...

an entire day filled with work holiday parties...

this could either mean a very good day, or a very rough saturday morning. i mean, seriously, who wouldn't need a few too many stiff drinks after spending the day with my co-workers???

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playing catch up...

“most people don't have any idea about all the complicated life going on inside a hive. bees have a secret life we don't know anything about.”
~august, the secret life of bees


it's been forever... i know. i'm sorry.

there are so many reasons why i've neglected to blog these past few days, but i will spare you the excuses.

i have 8 million thoughts running through my brain these days... i can't seem to get a handle on them. not in the slightest. shall we try a list? may just be easier than trying to corral my thoughts into anything resembling coherent thoughts, let alone complete sentences...

• i hate money
• i'm completely enamored with #23.
• i don't want to do my laundry
• i need a new job
• i do love what i do, i just don't love it here
• i need to stop drinking so much, so late, on a work day
• i need a personal assistant... and a cleaning service
• i hate filing
• i need to find my warm clothes... pronto
• i can't wait to be back in WI/MI again
• i need to get some good sleep
• i hate going to the doctor
• i have no idea what i am doing with myself and it's scary and wonderful all at the same time
• i think i need a shoulder transplant
• i feel like a schoolgirl every time i hear from #23 - he makes me tingle
• i deeply dislike family drama
• i love my cats
• i had a blast in Denver... i want to go back
• i love being a RED DOT!
• i really need a good massage
• i am having a hard time being this happy - it's so strange, i haven't smiled this much in my life
  
• i keep scaring myself with thoughts of the future
• i think my new favorite word is - "seriously"
  
• i think that i finally went crazy... and i couldn't be happier...

and that's all that i have for right now... i promise i will get back into a blogging groove...

oh and i almost forgot... I GOT MY THIRD TATTOO LAST NIGHT!!! and it is seriously cute! woot! maybe i will post a pic later...

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canceled flight...

so it's never a good thing when you get dropped off at the airport and walk up to the ticket counter and the airline attendant tells you that your flight is canceled and you have only a few options:

1) wait until the next available flight on wednesday evening (it was monday evening)
2) find a way to chicago and fly out at 6 a.m. the next morning (from chi - philly - denver... ummm, what?)
3) buy a bus ticket to chicago and then try and get a different flight once i get there (by the way, the bus is full until tomorrow)

turns out i chose option #2. and it ended up being the best canceled flight of my life...

i think i owe #23 (yes, just met him. yes, it was stupid... maybe. but i don't regret a thing. there's just something about him. he's amazing, everything i've always denied that i wanted in a man... what that means... i don't know. more about that at a later time) big time... and i can't stop smiling.

boot was awesome enough to drive me down to fond du lac where #23 met us and drove me back to his house... like i said... stupid? maybe. but i wouldn't change a thing. we talked, went for dinner (in which he insisted on paying - even though i owe him so hardcore), watched jurassic park ;o), cuddled with captain, and didn't sleep at all. it was great... and then he drove me down to chicago early in the a.m. and here i am...

still smiling.

i guess he was right... my luck just may be changing.

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watch out denver - here i come...

i'm headed to denver for AFA...

i'll keep you posted on my adventures whenever i get the chance...

exciting adventures are sure to come!

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