string together all the little things...

"hey, it's me, bailey. you don't have to use this in your movie or anything.
although, now that i think of it... fainting in wallmans does kind of qualify me as a loser.
but then again... wearing a price sticker on your forehead probably makes you one too.
you know, i don't know, tibby. maybe the truth is there's a little bit of loser in all of us, you know?

being happy isn't having everything in your life be perfect.
maybe it's about stringing together all the little things...
like wearing these pants... or getting to a new level of "dragon's lair"...
and making those count for more than the bad stuff.

maybe we just get through it... and that's all we can ask for."

~ bailey, the sisterhood of the traveling pants

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abstract expressionism...

"my painting does not come from the easel. i prefer to tack the unstretched canvas to the hard wall or the floor. i need the resistance of a hard surface. on the floor i am more at ease. i feel nearer, more part of the painting, since this way i can walk around it, work from the four sides and literally be in the painting."

~jackson pollock


happy birthday jackson pollock!

you have to try out this website... its fun, its art you can do at your desk during work, and its an ode to jackson pollock!

(thanks to maegan over at ...love maegan for this great find!!!)

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let's all just take a second...

here's the deal... i've been crazy busy at work (partly because of the time of year, partly because i am not going to be here this weekend, or the next...), as i've stated previously, i've been on a shitshow of an emotional rollercoaster lately, and i am so stressed out that i hurt physically.

therefore, all of the things in my head that i want to type... won't seem to expel themselves through my fingers at the moment. so let's leave it at this... i am SO extremely excited for this weekend!!! i am traveling for a volunteer position and will be at a conference all weekend in maryland (sounds exciting? no? not convinced yet?) and i will get to see some of my all time faves! some of the greatest, most amazing women i have ever met! and it is going to be a long, tiring, stressful, amazing, exciting weekend. and exactly what i need right now... although i will curse the time change with all of my being when i have to get up EARLY all weekend.

and finally, i am doing an extremely good job of keeping my head up amidst all the confusion and frustration and bad luck that is my life right now. and i can't really ask for more than that.

so with that said, i leave you with this... (a pic from one of the greatest scenes in one of my favorite movies "the wedding date", and one of the best quotes from that movie) enjoy!!!


"oh, god. i think i've just come."

~TJ, kat's (debra messing) cousin, after seeing nick mercer (dermot mulroney) for the first time.

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i feel like a monster...

this is what my rollercoaster of emotions have left me feeling like lately...

what's wrong with me?
why do i feel like this?
i'm going crazy now

no more gas in the rig
can't even get it started
nothing heard, nothing said
can't even speak about it
all my life on my head
don't want to think about it
feels like i'm going insane
yeah

it's a thief in the night
to come and grab you
it can creep up inside you
and consume you
a disease of the mind
it can control you
it's too close for comfort

throw on your brake lights
we're in the city of wonder
ain't gonna play nice
watch out, you might just go under
better think twice
your train of thought will be altered
so if you must faulter be wise
your mind is in disturbia
it's like the darkness is the light
disturbia
am i scaring you tonight
disturbia
ain't used to what you like
disturbia
disturbia

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expectations...

i want to be someones priority.

not someones (perceived) obligation.

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just keep your head above...

i need to remember to swim...

you gotta swim
swim for your life
swim for the music that saves you
when you're not so sure you'll survive
you gotta swim
swim when it hurts
the whole world is watching
you haven't come this far
to fall off the earth
the currents will pull you
away from your love
just keep your head above

i found a tidal wave
begging to tear down the dawn
memories like bullets
they fired at me from a gun
cracking me open yeah
i swim to brighter days
despite the absence of sun
choking on salt water
i'm not giving in
i swim

you gotta swim
swim in the dark
there's an ocean to drift in
feel the tide shifting away from the spark
yeah you gotta swim
don't let yourself sink
just follow the horizon
i promise you it's not as far as you think
the currents will drag us away from our love
just keep your head above
just keep your head above
swim
just keep your head above
swim, swim
just keep your head above
swim

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2.0 hours of sleep, v.5

just in case there are any readers out there that are wondering... yes, #23 was supposed to get here yesterday. and no, #23 did not get here yesterday. it's a long, painful, confusing, draining story... so i will spare you the details. i will say this: if i can't trust myself, who can i trust? if i have to doubt myself, how can i not doubt others?

i've spent the last week in a state of utter despair/confusion/fear/nausea and it's really been tearing me apart. so i made a resolution yesterday.

let me preface this a little bit: there is only so much i can do... i can tell him how i feel, i can tell him what i want, i can treat him exactly how i feel he deserves to be treated, i can care about him, and after that... it's out of my hands. and while it sucks to not have any control over the situation, i don't want to force someone to be with me, i don't want to push someone into something they aren't ready for, and ultimately, i don't want to get hurt or be a rebound. not again, not now, not anymore. but this is what it is. and i honestly believe that this is worth it (good god i hope i am not wrong on this one, too...).

and with that, my resolution:

i have to live my life. and i can't let this situation completely take over and consume me. and while this weekend is going to be tough... i have to live my life.

so... with that said, the long weekend that i had planned with #23 (yes, the entire wknd was planned, every event, every meal, everything...) needs to not be spent in complete and utter despair. so what does that mean... you so thoughtfully ask???

i'm filling my days and nights with people, fun, and the ever so popular spirited beverage. starting with last night.

i got some peeps together, including a new fella, L, Ash, among others and had an amazing dinner followed by drinks at my bar where there where many crazy antics and tons of my faves, jack sparrow, brit, JD, charles ingalls, among others. we made random friends, sang inappropriately loud to "black velvet", drank way too many random shots, had a very intense and entertaining discussion about vibrators, laughed way too hard, got propositioned by a helicopter pilot-dirtbike racing-hot tub owner, and generally had an amazing evening. and i have to be proud that every time i go out with L and Ash i manage to get them so schwasted that they don't know which way is up... even after proclaiming they were going to "take it easy" and "be the sober driver." bah! ridiculous!

so even though jack sparrow kissed the random girls (including the orange-haired shellacked-face diva wanna-be), j-rod couldn't take shots with us, i kept my pants on, and D made Ash cry... it was a successful evening. especially since once again, when everyone was kicked out... i wasn't. and since i managed to stay out till the wee hours of the morn', not get any sleep once again, and still be up and ready for work at 9 am this morning (and yes... i'm still at work, and will be until about 11:30 pm - though i did get to have lunch with some of my favorite ladies and dinner with one super sweet hunk!) i pronounce myself AMAZING. let it be known.

and so after i am done with work tonight... let the festivities of the lost weekend continue!!!!!!!

watch out...

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i don't want to be a rebound...

"love can’t be forced at will, it must be found, and that can only happen for real when our hearts and minds are free."

~ mike hardcastle

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one second it was perfect, now you're halfway out the door ...

here's to all those things that i just can't seem to say, and all those questions that i am too scared to ask...

once upon a time, i believe it was a tuesday when i caught your eye
and we caught onto something
i hold onto the night, you looked me in the eye and told me you loved me

were you just kidding?
'cause it seems to me, this thing is breaking down
we almost never speak
i don't feel welcome anymore
baby what happened, please tell me?

'cause one second it was perfect, now you're halfway out the door

and i stare at the phone, he still hasn't called
and then you feel so low you cant feel nothing at all
and you flashback to when he said forever and always
oh, and it rains in your bedroom
everything is wrong
it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
cause i was there when you said forever and always

was i out of line?
did i say something way too honest, made you run and hide
like a scared little boy
i looked into your eyes
thought i knew you for a minute, now i'm not so sure

so here's everything coming down to nothing
here's to silence that cuts me to the core
where is this going?
thought i knew for a minute, but i don't anymore

and i stare at the phone, he still hasn't called
and then you feel so low you cant feel nothing at all
and you flashback to when he said forever and always
oh, and it rains in your bedroom
everything is wrong
it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
'cause i was there when you said forever and always
you didn't mean it baby, i don't think so

back up, baby, back up
did you forget everything???

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iHop, david hasselhoff, and ham in a can...?

(note: this was sitting in my drafts for some reason... i thought i had posted it on tuesday. so i am going back in time to post it on it's intended date...)


some of my faves (L and her fella, L'N, B, and AC) and i made a sunday morning (ok, ok, it was more like afternoon...) trip to iHop. and it was epic. exactly the laughter and never ending pancakes that i needed...

seriously.

let me just summarize the trip by saying we have come up with 2 extremely exciting business ventures that have limitless possibility (more about that in a minute), we actually had the couple sitting next to us move (yes, we are that loud - alright, who am i kidding, I'M that loud), we scared the family on the other side of us when i decided it would be great to regal the other with tales of my drunken antics and subsequent pants removal... not too mention how i convince others to participate, and we managed to have our waitress go from completely walking away from us when we asked for a 6th chair (hey, there were 6 of us!!!) only to have her come back and say they were all being used at the moment (even though there were a number at the table next to us, which we took) to her offering us extra everything and laughing at our david hasselhoff jokes with us.

i was already in an exceptionally ridiculous mood because of my lack of sleep and my 15 hour work day the day before... add to that the fact that i was in a state of utter confusion with #23 to the point that i was making myself nauseous... it was an iHop trip to remember. you know there are going to be big things happening over pancakes when the first thing you see when you arrive is the sign for the all-you-can-eat pancakes.

hey, iHop's motto is "Come Hungry. Leave Happy." they weren't lying. (although you also leave smelling slightly of breakfast sausage and fried hashbrowns as well...)

i found out that i adore L's new fella. we have a common love for L and ridiculousness, not to mention we bonded over french vanilla coffe creamer, slabs of butter, and the butter pecan flavored syrup (what? you didn't know they had that? oh yes... but you ahve to ask for it. and even then, some waitstaff will deny its existence... but let me tell you... it exists and it is divine!). how happy am i for her? immensely. she really deserves someone who will treat her like the wonderful person she is. yay!

on to the business adventures... be forewarned: these are amazing ideas and you may not, under any circumstances, steal them. consider this your warning!

first: iHof. the restaurant dedicated to david hasselhoff and his complete and utter amazingness. we are taking themed uniforms, tvs all over playing baywatch in multiple languages, plates featuring his glorious face. and his music! oh his music will be piped in everywhere... especially the bathrooms. food cleverly named after him and his wonderful cinematic existence, look-alikes spread widely throughout the restaurant, mirrors manufactured by apple that make you appear as though you have his glorious girls and thick chest hair... and no... iHof will not be open 24-hours like iHop... we need to limit peoples intake of the Hof, or they may NEVER leave.

it is going to be glorious.

second: ham whiz. similar to it's dairy cousin cheese whiz and squeeze cheese. for some reason we have a running joke involving ordering food with "ham on it" and form there everything went south. so alas, HAM WHIZ was born! it is going to be this amazing shade of pink and you can use it on anything... even straight outta the can! think of the possibilities! and the marketing that could go along with it. hell, we could even sell combo packs of ham'n'cheese whiz.

seriously. we are brilliant.

oh how i love iHop........

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there you go when i'm not done...

are you really going to give up already???

this is the only lonely picture
waiting on my floor, littering my shore
this is the last true burning letter
given to a girl, written by a boy
living in a world created to destroy

but if i built you a city
would you let me?
would you tear it down?

but there you go for the last time
i finally know now what i should have known then
and i could still be ruthless if you let me
but there you go when i'm not done
you're waving goodbye well at least you're having fun
the rising tide will not let you forget me...
forget me

this is your ghost that kneels before me
razors on her tongue, a body full of oxygen
it won't be the last time you'll ignore me
thinning of my skin, without the strength to go
winter's setting in, to cover you in snow

but if i built you a city,
would you let me?
would you tear it down?

but there you go for the last time
i finally know what i should have known then
and i could still be ruthless if you let me
but there you go when i'm not done
you're waving goodbye
well at least you're having fun
the rising tide will not let you forget me
forget me
forget me
forget me, yeah

and i'll raise towers and climb them
rivers and walk them
oceans to drown in
you won't make a sound in...

but there you go for the last time
i finally know what i should have known then
and i could still be ruthless if you let me
but there you go when i'm not done
you're waving goodbye well at least you're having fun
the rising tide will not let you forget me
forget me...

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2.NO hours of sleep v.4...

due to the fact that i have gotten approximately 11 hours of sleep since thursday... and not just because i have been having trouble sleeping (which i have been) but also due to my own antics, as mentioned here, this post should have been written yesterday...

but here goes nothing...

after having a late night thursday and a rough morning on friday, not to mention a very long, busy day on friday, when i finally left work friday night i was ready to tear up the town. unfortunately the dr. had to work til midnight so i went home and got ready, danced around to T.I., and then headed out to meet VW and wait (im)patiently for the dr. to meet up with us. of course VW ends up being late, and i ended up sitting there alone - which i dreaded was an omen for lousy night. luckily all of my faves were present and they did an amazing job keeping my entertained. you know you have a problem when you consider the majority of people that work at the bar to be your friends (example - after having traveled over the holidays, and then being sick, when i showed up at the bar on thursday night i was greeted with hugs and exclamations of joy by all of the bar staff!!! not too mention my drink of choice was waiting for me on the bar before i could even sit down... yay!)... but i love it.

i managed to drink my weight in hard alcohol and flit between the dr., VW, my bar faves - jack sparrow, the brit, JD, my lovely, and charles ingalls, etc... not to mention the line to the bathroom all evening. it was epic... as i had predicted. the night was seemingly going to come to a close with a late night food run until for some reason when elvis (the creepy bouncer) kicked everyone out, he let me stay, i made the unintelligent decision that it would be a great idea to stay with the bar staff and keep dancing and drinking until the wee hours of the morn'.

ummm... not the smarted idea ever. i woke up the next morning sleeping in charles ingalls bed next to my lovely, with JD sleeping on the floor and charles ingalls asleep in the chair at approximately 8:15 am. (all the while, the dr. is pissed at me for ditching him, which was never my intention. what can i say, i'm an insensitive idiot when i'm wasted and all i want to do is take shots and shake my ass) keeping in mind that we didn't even leave the bar until well after 4...

i then had to find my pants (yes, i take my pants off when i'm drunk), speed walk back to my car which luckily wasn't that far away, make it home so i could change and grab my stuff before heading the work retreat i was presenting 8 sessions at all day...

ohmygosh. i am a masochist. seriously.

i managed to make it through the day quite successfully and then around 8:30 pm i ran home, took a quick shower and headed back to work for one of our late night events in which i had to be present from 9:30 pm - 2 am... lets just say i was so exhausted it was painful. these late night events tend to be either extremely boring, or ridiculously crazy. this one was of course - boring. therefore ended up feeling like an awkward 4 hour-long date with the 18 year old that was also there... unfortunate. really.

the worst part? i was so tired when i finally made it home that i couldn't sleep!

which brings me to today... exhausted.

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my life is a work of art...

"i would like whatever it is that i'm doing - everyone's experience of me, everyone's interaction with me, everyone's discussion, conversation, relationship with me - [to be] an event within which they get to see who they are. i would make of my life a work of art"

~ john denver

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detox just to retox...

let the festivities begin...

after ANOTHER 12 hour work day this week, tonight's consumption of spirited beverages will be epic, because tomorrow is a 15 hour work day (yes, you read that right, 15 hours... on a saturday...)

epic. seriously epic.

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there's danger in frustration...

this is so true that it hurts. physically hurts.

throw a dog a bone,
i'll take it if i have to
go real fast like there's somewhere we can get to
what's the use of standing right there on the edge
if there ain't nowhere to fall
what's the use in hanging on tight to the phone
if nobody might call

desperation
there's danger in frustration
complicated words slipping off of your tongue
and ain't one of them the truth
i'm still desperate for you

tell it like a lie,
live it like a movie
give a heart away like it don't mean nothing to me
what's the use in making all the plans that we made
if you weren't gonna go
what's the use of slapping on a smile for a face
if your eyes don't wanna show

desperation
there's danger in frustration
complicated words slipping off of your tongue
and ain't one of them the truth
i'm still desperate for you

well it's too damn bad you didn't have a chance to make me your best friend
you were too caught up in giving too much up and not doing what you should have been

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blogging makes my heart happy...

yay! today i got my first blog award, thanks to nickie over at learn to fly... thank you so so much!!!

here are the rules:

1. put the logo on your blog.

2. add a link to the person who awarded you.

3. award up to 10 other blogs.

4. add links to those blogs on yours.

5. leave a message for your awardees on their blog.

now as you know, i am a newbie and a softie, and i think you all deserve this award, so... just know that i think you are wonderful and i hope you know how much i enjoy reading your blogs!!!

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my heart will always belong to...

the MIDWEST!!!

despite this... i am, and always will be, a midwest girl.

(yes, i actually miss the cold weather... it just isn't supposed to be 90 in january.)


I HEART THE MIDWEST!!!

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let's all jump up and down...

let me be selfish (for just a few rambling paragraphs, phrases, and exclamations) and take the next few minutes and attempt to express just how utterly ecstatic i am at the moment. please keep in mind that my thoughts are in such a whirl and my entire being is in such bliss that i am not making much sense and my fingers just don't seem to want to type anything that isn't spelled wrong...

i know i've mention #23 before, although i don't really think i've ever gone into any details (afraid of jinxing it? maybe.) about him. and i will... but not now.

now is the time to jump up and down like a 6 year old on christmas morning, or a rookie running back that has just crossed the goal line in his first nfl game, or either one of my cats when i get out a carton of their favorite chicken & cheese treats...

i want to run out onto my patio in this warm socal january night and yell at the top of my lungs just how excited i am!

#23 just bought his plane tickets yesterday... he is coming to see me!!!

i know that we had talked about it, joked about it, and even discussed a few dates but i never actually thought it would happen. not that i don't have faith in him or that i don't think he would want to see me, just that i didn't want to get my hopes up and then have them dashed when he wasn't able to make it. and i couldn't bring myself to ask him to come out here. it's quite the commitment... not only the money, but the time off work and all of the other things he has to do to be able to be out of the state for 5 days (yes, you read that right... 5 DAYS! NEXT WEEK!).

i am so lucky!!! not only do i get to talk to the most wonderful, gorgeous, amazing man in the world on a regular basis... but he is flying out to socal just to spend time with me!

not to mention this will be his first time in california (and he will be coming from -2 degree weather!).

i am so excited!!!

anyone have any ideas about must-do's and must-see's while he is here??? keeping in mind that i want plenty of time with him... all. to. my. self. :o)

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be my (blog) valentine...

this sounds like a blast... i'm definitely in.

have you heard about this valentines day's newest blog tradition started by one of my favorite bloggers, ashley over at This? Is Not the Life I Ordered!...

check it out here: be my (blog) valentine!!!

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how old am i...?

(i think) i am lucky enough to be mistaken for someone considerably younger than i really am... i was even hit on by a fella that is A DECADE younger than i am (and for those of you non-math majors, that would make him 18).

i think that part of it is that i work with college students, somehow they have both the ability to make me feel extremely old and seem really young. it's interesting. it is kind of nice being mistaken for a student (and i'd never turn down a student discount)... although it makes being a professional pretty difficult at times.

another part of it may be that i am young at heart. i love a good laugh, acting silly in the morning, being a goof in the afternoon and partying like it's still 1999 in the evening.

but is it alright that i have some unexplainable adoration for miley cyrus?

maybe it's the whole double life thing...

i wonder who my other personality would be??? (let me emphasis - i am such a dork... i am seriously too old for this, but really, who cares!)

who would yours be?

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i'm a blogging newbie...

alright, so i'm new to this whole blogging thing...

someone explain to me the pros/cons between blogger and wordpress.
and at the risk of sounding completely stupid and proof that i have been living under a rock, what is the deal with twitter?

man... i'm a loser.

here's to hoping i get better at this. at least i'm having fun...

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learning how to bend...

i'm still learning how to trust.
it's so hard to open up,
and i'd do anything for us.
i'm still learning how to trust...

i'm still learning how to bend,
how to let you in.
in a world full of tears,
we'll conquer all our fears.
i'm still learning how to fly,
i wanna take you higher.
i'll be there till the end.
i'll be your lover and your friend.
i'm still learning how to bend...

i'm just trying to understand,
it's all in someone else's hands.
there's always been a bigger plan,
but i don't need to understand.

i'm still learning how to bend...

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the scorpion and the frog...

have you ever heard the tale of the scorpion and the frog?

i've been ridiculously sick this week, and when i wasn't trying to manage through a day of work, i've been laying on the couch with my cats (which they appreciate after having been gone so long over the holidays) watching dvd's of the gilmore girls (some of you may know this is my all-time favorite tv show), this episode came on and when i heard this story again it hit me.

this is my family. well, my mother and my older sister. they are the scorpions.

i am the frog...

EMILY: Lorelai, stop this. I know you're upset. I know you hate us, but -

LORELAI: I don't hate you. Why would I hate you?

EMILY: Well, because we - because you thought we -

LORELAI: You were just being you. You couldn't help it.

EMILY: What are you talking about?

LORELAI: The scorpion and the frog. It's an old story. The scorpion says to the frog, "Hey, frog. Give me a lift to the other side of the pond." Frog says, "No way. You'll sting me and I'll die." Scorpion says, "Will not! 'Cause then we'd both drown." Frog says "Cool." So... scorpion gets on the frog's back, and frog makes it to the middle of the pond, and the scorpion stings him. As the frog is going down, he says, "Why would you do that? Now we'll both die." Scorpion says, "Sorry, it's just my nature."

[She points to herself] Frog. [She points to them.] Scorpion.

EMILY: I always thought it was a turtle.

LORELAI: Whatever it was. You guys couldn't help it.

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in-between...

"it was the in-between time, before day leaves and night comes, a time i've never been partial to because of the sadness that lingers in the space between going and coming."
~august, the secret life of bees


#23 and i were talking about sunset as he drove me to the airport this past sunday... it made me think of this. this is exactly how i feel (and how i felt) right then...

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i hate being sick...

apparently southern california does not agree with me.

in the past 6 months i have had strep throat, whooping cough, bronchitis, and now a sever sinus infection. severe enough to make the doctor give me 2 shots in the ass, 3 prescriptions, and 2 over-the-counter drugs.

ugh.

i don't want to be sick anymore...

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cheers!...

it's been forever.

really. it has.

and i apologize. but once i fill you in, you will see that the wait was worth it... i swear.

after reading today's post "here we go again" on one of my favorite blogs surviving myself, i had to agree... but not completely.

normally, i would begrudgingly mutter "welcome to the beginning of the calendar year" to all who wished me a "happy 2009" the monday after the celebration of the new year, wallowing in despair and mourning the passing of another year. but this year is different... already.

it started deliciously and i'm determined to make sure it stays that way. i'm sick of being let down every time december 31 rolls around and i reminisce on the past year and realize that i am not where i want to be in my life, that i haven't accomplished enough, that my bank account doesn't have a high enough number, that my scale has too high of a number, and that i am once again ringing in the new year all alone.

for once i am happy.

and i couldn't have asked for any better new years eve kisses... (thanks to the ranger and #23)

here's to a year full of them!!! cheers 2009!

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