Friday, June 12, 2009
yes, i know i'm not supposed to apologize for myself in my blogs. or complain too much or make my posts too long, but fuck it. this is my blog and i'll do what i want.
and i'm all fucking riled up tonight. because if i'm not riled up i'm bawling my eyes out.
i have been off and on all fucking day.
i just never ever thought that i'd be upset about leaving. my only thoughts were how many happy dances i would be doing. i certainly didn't think i'd be this. fucking. upset.
damn i'm swearing like a drunken sailor this evening.
i can't even get my thoughts out right now. i can't make them make sense. i want to get them out. i need to. and i just can't seem to do it. argh. one minute i'm fine... the next i'm hysterical.
this is just so unexpected. i moved out here and i had a rough time. i didn't realize that it would be so hard for me to be so far away from my family. especially since i have such a rough relationship with my mom and sister. but it was everything that i missed... the big family get-togethers, the ability to drive home whenever i needed to, the midwest, the nice people, the seasons, everything that was familiar to me...
and my job was so rough at first. it is such a tough position and it was one hell of a rocky road... but i am a fighter. i don't give up easy. and i have a midwest work ethic dammit!
at first all i wanted to do was leave... but i just couldn't. i knew that eventually i had to move on, move up, move back... for my health, my sanity, i was being realistic.
but in the meantime... i got attached.
i have seen my students come so far. i ahve seen them grow. i have seen them fight me, push back on everything i tried to do, battle every single change. and then i watched them accept me, open up to me, and trust me. i have seen them make huge leaps and strides. i have seen them step on the path to greatness. followers have become leaders. angry, frustrated kids have become passionate, driven adults. and i am so protective of them. i want the best for them. i don't want them to take a step back. i want them to continue on this path to greatness.
i can't even describe it. i guess i feel like they are all my kids and it is my job to take care of them. and yes, i know i can't take care of them forever, but i'm just not ready to let go yet. i want to be sure that they are ready. i want to protect them from everything. i want to be there to fight for them. and i know i can't be there for them forever...
i just can't believe i'm fucking feeling this way.
i don't like it out here. i want to live in the midwest. i have a great new job.
but the thought of leaving my students is just tearing me apart. it hurts physically. i have myself so worked up.
is the next "me" going to take care of them? lead them down the right path? understand the unique system they have? work with them for 15 hours a day because they love them so so much? fight for them because they have their best interest at heart? be at all of their events just to show them how much they care about them? be patient and understanding but firm? have their office open to them all day and all night just to talk things out - good and bad? support them and believe in them?
and the worst damn part... i have no one to talk to.
all of my "close" friends here have moved on. and my friends back home just don't understand. my family never went to college let alone understand what i do... they didn't want me to move out here in the first place. and i have built my fucking walls so high that i haven't let anyone in enough to have someone to talk to. i know it's my own damn fault but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck ass.
so here i am. bitching. and crying. on a friday night. to the interwebs.
i just hope my students know how so so so proud i am of them. and i know that they can accomplish great things. i believe in them. no matter how many times i tell them... i hope they don't forget...
i expected to be elated... and i'm so nervous and scared and upset...
this isn't how it is supposed to be.
one addition to that last post:
having my two adorable kitties curl up with me sure does make me feel better. :o)