this quote hit me hard... i need to think about this...
"...and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do / the only thing you could do - determined to save / the only life you could save"
~ mary oliver
yes. i'm on break. and i'm broken.
is break supposed to break you down? i thought that break was supposed to refresh you, recharge you, reinvigorate you.
not with my family. not for me.
i wish i could find the words to explain. maybe its too soon. maybe my mind is too far down in the middle of it right now. maybe i'll be able to explain it better later... or maybe i'll bury it deep down under my layers of pain and despair.
just know that i am broken.
actually... scratch that. make v.3 0.NO hours of sleep...
and it hurts. but once again... so worth it.
deciding to head out after 11:30 pm when i was already in my pj's in bed reading and ready to get up at 4 am to finish packing was probably not my smartest decision ever, but... i only live once. and i had so much fun with the "charles ingalls" and the guys.
hmmmm...
so now... i'm actually sitting in the airport in Denver enjoying the access to free wifi (how much does that rock?!) thinking about how much sleep i can fit into my multiple plane rides without being completely a zombie for the car ride home with my sister... not that i will be. i know when i see her and my nephew that i am going to freak out!
i am so excited to be headed home to WI/MI for thanksgiving, it's pretty much ridiculous.
seriously. ;o)
i'll be sure to keep you posted when i make it to a computer...
i did it again. and i am once again... exhausted. with no regrets.
new friends are good and "charles ingalls" makes me think. he makes everything seem surreal.
he's brilliant, and confusing, and underrated, and wonderful, and surprising, and kind, and beautiful, and a mystery.
he needs a friend and i think i'm hooked...
it's okay in the day i'm staying busy
tied up enough so i don't have to wonder where is he
got so sick of crying
so just lately
when i catch myself i do a 180
i stay up clean the house
at least i'm not drinking
run around just so i don't have to think about thinking
that silent sense of content
that everyone gets
just disappears soon as the sun sets
this face in my dreams seizes my guts
he floods me with dread
soaked in soul
he swims in my eyes by the bed
pour myself over him
moon spilling in
and i wake up alone
if i was my heart
i'd rather be restless
the second i stop the sleep catches up and i'm breathless
this ache in my chest
as my day is done now
the dark covers me and i cannot run now
my blood running cold
i stand before him
it's all i can do to assure him
when he comes to me
i drip for him tonight
drowning in me we bathe under blue light
his face in my dreams seizes my guts
he floods me with dread
soaked in soul
he swims in my eyes by the bed
pour myself over him
moon spilling in
and i wake up alone
and i wake up alone
and i wake up alone
and i wake up alone
i took a quiz to find out who i am. this is what i found...
"You're smart, charming, and well mannered, but approach everything with intensity."
interesting...
tell me what do you see when you look at me?
do you see my many personalities?
can you help me? does anybody hear me? can you even see me?
this is my reality.
what am i thinking???
oh how surreal is "charles ingalls"??? the way his laugh makes me want to hug him. the way he gets that sparkle in his eyes when he looks at me. the way he tilts his head when he wants an answer from me. the way he always surprises me with the things that he says. the way its unbelievable that he even gives me the time of day. the way i feel when i catch his eye through a crowd of people. the way that he looks away when i want an answer from him. the way that i am so exhausted i can't think...
i'm being so incredibly stupid...
i have so much in my head to say and i just don't know how to get it all out. i have to work on that. i am so self-destructive i can't believe it. what am i thinking? how can i justify these stupid choices?... i don't think. i think too much...
and then i cross a line.
there is just so much in my head. i have to get it out. i think about being alone. i think about money. i think about who i am. i think about what i want. i think about where i am going and where i have been and what is ahead of me.
i'm stuck between green and gray.
i think my heart is in need of love. and the scariest, most awful part is that i wonder if there might be another heart out there that feels the same way?
if it was any other time. and other circumstances.
things would be different...
gray is the color that is all around me, i'm just a blur.
holes in and around me.
i keep falling back in to.
holes dig in and surround me.
god knows what i'm going to do...
to fill in these holes left by you.
on the road
on your own
with a sky full of renegade diamonds…
at your job
on the clock
thinkin' of tearin' down these paper walls…
if it's all in your head
there's a chance it could be happening…
call it coincidence
whatever makes you believe…
today is all you'll ever need
if you believe in me
today is all you'll ever need
you at war
far from home
people prayin' for you to make it out…
you at school
up all night
earn that "A" for anxiety…
call it chance, call it luck
no matter what...
if you believe
today is all you'll ever need
if you believe in me
today is all you'll ever need
if you believe
i won’t let you down
i've been meaning to tell you something
i got this feeling we could runaway
i've been meaning to tell you something
something’s telling me to runaway
i've been trying to tell you something
i got this feeling and it’s runaway
(ya gotta believe)
i've been dyin' to tell you
(ya gotta believe)
i've been dyin' to tell you
if you believe
today is all you'll ever need
if you believe in me
i won’t let you down
if you believe
"orange is young, full of daring,
but very unsteady for the first go around..."
i can't stop smiling... or coughing...
and it was SO worth it!
;o)
you need to be forewarned... i'm in a really bad mood. it's been a rough week. a really, really, really rough week.
so beware...
here goes... i do seem to have a knack for hurting myself. i seem to take a large portion of my frustrations out on myself. but as long as it isn't hurting someone else...
i'm not saying i'm a saint. i make more than my fair share of mistakes, i'm a chronic smart-ass, i often say things i don't really mean, and i hardly ever say the things i do really mean, i hold myself to impossible standards and then crucify myself for not being able to live up to them, i hide my true feelings behind layers and layers of denial because quite frequently my own feelings scare me, i have a hard time opening up and being honest with people i care about, i can be very cold and manipulative if i want to, i'm not sure who the real me is, i often put myself in situations that i know aren't good for me because then i have no one to blame but myself...
its all just defense mechanisms...
why do i revert to asshole mode when i'm feeling vulnerable or scared?
why do i lie about my feelings like they don't matter?
why can't i admit my feelings are real and that they have value?
why do i hide behind a mask of indifference?
i can't let fear keep me isolated anymore.
gravity is working against me,
and gravity wants to bring me down.
oh gravity, stay the hell away from me...
"there is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. it is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. it is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. this is the dimension of imagination. it is an area which we call the Twilight Zone."
this week is straight outta the twilight zone...
it's funny when you find the words to say - you find no reply.
i wanna feel through you tonight,
but i won't make you...
i won't make you.
scream my name just one more time...
but i won't make you.
i won't make you.
sometimes
some things
happen,
...for some reason.
there are so many things going on inside my head. thoughts and feelings. judgments and unanswered questions. i'm struggling to actualize any of those things into coherent vocabulary. it's so frustrating. bear with me...
don't you think its strange sometimes when certain things happen at certain times? like when you are thinking about someone intently and you get a text from them in that exact moment... or when you are experiencing such dark depths of loneliness that you find yourself reaching for each next breath and you get a phone call from someone you love that you haven't talked to in a long time... or when you can't seem to find a smile to adorn your face hidden anywhere inside of you and a friend says exactly the right thing to you to make that smile appear out of nowhere...
sometimes timing is so strange and mysterious.
i often question the meaning of those things, that timing. it makes me think. a lot.
lately it seems that i have gotten myself into quite the fortuitously complicated situation. it also seems as though i am a glutton for punishment, i am extremely self-deprecating and i have unbelievable masochistic tendencies. this complicates things even further.
there is this fella that i can't get out of my mind... i care about him even though i shouldn't. i ache to be with him even though i shouldn't. i want him to reciprocate my feelings towards him... but i don't know if he does. i'm afraid to let him too close to me because he has the ability to hurt me so much. but i also want him to be close to me more than anything. no matter what happens, i want him to be happy... even at the expense of myself. i'm confused, scared, and i can't stop questioning everything. am i asking for heartache? am i knowingly walking into a situation in which i have no hope of exiting unscathed? am i willingly punishing myself?
or is it worth it?
to be continued...
a comparison of stages in human life with the times of day and the changing of seasons. you decide if paradise is an image of nature or nature becomes an image of paradise.
can you believe the transformation of an opinion over time due to the conditions brought on not by the producer but of unseen, uncontrollable forces? life in this world is determined by the forces of nature and human labor.
can any such confusion be identified with certainty?
we are led to a conclusion, but need to derive our own solutions. maybe they aren't solutions, maybe they are just the final outcome, because they do not solve anything in its entirety. maybe so...
despite this, there is a distinct finality about it. you ask what it refers to. there is a distinct air of finality to our habitation of this world, of everything. unless, of course, you can see what i see. i see beyond. you should ask me what i see and if you're lucky, i'll give you a hint. that forcefulness of composition tends to be questioning, yet bold.
hmm. what do you think? come on... you can tell me...
i don't want to be in love, but you're makin' me.
let me up i've had enough.
you're breakin' me.
"what a frightening thing is the human.
a mass of gauges and dials and registers.
but we can read only a few.
and those perhaps not accurately."
~ john steinbeck
i've made up my mind,
don't need to think it over.
if i'm wrong i am right,
don't need to look no further.
this ain't lust,
i know... this is love, but...
if i tell the world,
i'll never say enough,
cause it was not said to you.
and that's exactly what i need to do,
if i'm in love with you.
should i give up,
or should i just keep chasing pavements?
even if it leads nowhere.
or would it be a waste?
even if i knew my place, should i leave it there?
should i give up,
or should i just keep chasing pavements?
even if it leads nowhere...
i'd build myself up,
and fly around in circles.
waiting as my heart drops,
and my back begins to tingle.
finally, could this be it, or...
should i give up,
or should i just keep chasing pavements?
even if it leads nowhere.
or would it be a waste?
even if i knew my place should i leave it there?
should i give up,
or should i just keep chasing pavements?
even if it leads nowhere...
should i give up,
or should i just keep chasing pavements?
"i will always cherish the initial misconceptions i had about you."
~ unknown
everything will be alright, yeah
the heart is stronger than you think
like it can go through anything
and even when you think it can’t it finds a way to still push on, though
sometime you want to run away
ain’t got the patience for the pain
and if you don’t believe it look into your heart, the beat goes on
i’m telling you…
things get better through whatever
if you fall, dust it off, don’t let up.
don’t you know you can go, be your own miracle,
you need to know…
if the mind keeps thinking you’ve had enough,
but the heart keeps telling you don’t give up,
who are we to be questioning, wondering what is what,
don’t give up…
through it all, just stand up
it’s like we all have better days,
problems getting all up in your face.
just because you go through it
don’t mean it gotta take control, no.
you ain’t gotta find no hiding place,
because the heart can beat the hate.
don’t wanna let your mind keep playing you
and saying you can’t go on.
i’m telling you…
things get better through whatever
if you fall, dust if off, don’t let up
don’t you know you can go, be your own miracle,
you need to know…
if the mind keeps thinking you’ve had enough (i’ve had enough)
but the heart keeps telling you don’t give up (don't you give up)
who are we to be questioning, wondering what is what,
don’t give up (don't give up, just stand up)
through it all, just stand up (just stand up)
through it all, just stand up.
you don’t gotta be a prisoner in your mind.
(if you fall, dust it off)
you can live your life,
let your heart be your guide, oh.
you will know that you’re good if you trust in the good.
(everything will be alright, yeah)
light up the dark, if you follow your heart,
and it will get better… through whatever.
if the mind keeps thinking you’ve had enough,
but the heart keeps telling you don’t give up,
who are we to be questioning, wondering what is what, don’t give up (don't give up, don't give up)
through it all, just stand up.
you got it in you, find it within
(everything will be alright, yeah)
you got in you, find it within
you got it in you, find it within you,
find it within.
through it all, just stand up.
while having a conversation with one of my bff's i realized...
i don't do things half way.
that's just me.
there comes a point when i have to stop trying to change myself into what i think everyone else wants me to be and just be me.
and this is me...
or at least the closest thing to "being me" that i know how to be at the moment.
and i may not be ok with that yet... but i'm working on it.
so if you don't approve... complain to someone else because chances are - i've heard it already and i've tried to change it, i'm working on changing it, i can't change it, or... i shouldn't change it.
this is me.
i tried taking a color-based personality career test. (interesting, i know.) these are the results:
Best Occupational Category
You're a CREATOR
Key Words: Nonconforming, Impulsive, Expressive, Romantic, Intuitive, Sensitive, and Emotional
These original types place a high value on aesthetic qualities and have a great need for self-expression. They enjoy working independently, being creative, using their imagination, and constantly learning something new. Fields of interest are art, drama, music, and writing or places where they can express, assemble, or implement creative ideas.
CREATOR OCCUPATIONS
Suggested careers are Advertising Executive, Architect, Web Designer, Creative Director, Public Relations, Fine or Commercial Artist, Interior Decorator, Lawyer, Librarian, Musician, Reporter, Art Teacher, Broadcaster, Technical Writer, English Teacher, Architect, Photographer, Medical Illustrator, Corporate Trainer, Author, Editor, Landscape Architect, Exhibit Builder, and Package Designer.
CREATOR WORKPLACES
Consider workplaces where you can create and improve beauty and aesthetic qualities. Unstructured, flexible organizations that allow self-expression work best with your free-spirited nature.
Suggested Creator workplaces are advertising, public relations, and interior decorating firms; artistic studios, theaters and concert halls; institutions that teach crafts, universities, music, and dance schools. Other workplaces to consider are art institutes, museums, libraries, and galleries.
2nd Best Occupational Category
You're a RESEARCHER
Key Words: Independent, Self-Motivated, Reserved, Introspective, Analytical, and Curious
These investigative types gather information, analyze and interpret data, and inquire to uncover new facts. They have a strong scientific orientation, enjoy academic or research environments and prefer self-reliant jobs. Dislikes are group projects, selling, and repetitive activities.
a manner of interpretation that leads in a false direction that could become highly epidemic. exuding that morbid melancholy, that feverishness that grips every sensitive observer so forcefully. producing a disconsolate feeling.
this is not the seriousness, not the character, nor the spirit and importance; that has been imposed from without. disheartenment, could that be it?
simply. a mixture of admiration and violent criticism. does there always have to be the terrible setting of roles in which i'm covered, smothered, unable to breath?
let them lie level. let each one rest on even ground, open to be admired from all sides. despite tranquil air, still possessing the power to stimulate and provoke.
there is a limitation to our earthly existence and the threat of death, but by all means, that does not give reason to limit ourselves further. i can be motivated by a conscious significance. a background symbolizing death and the hope of a paradise beyond. repeatedly frustration comes to mind.
frustration, confusion.
maybe now i wonder… i wonder can this? i wonder what if?
i am tragically flawed. but...
i have a good heart.
(and i think i actually believe that.)
does this mean that i've finally "come a long way?"
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