mixed up thoughts and chocolate frosting...

sometimes
some things
happen,
...for some reason.

there are so many things going on inside my head. thoughts and feelings. judgments and unanswered questions. i'm struggling to actualize any of those things into coherent vocabulary. it's so frustrating. bear with me...

don't you think its strange sometimes when certain things happen at certain times? like when you are thinking about someone intently and you get a text from them in that exact moment... or when you are experiencing such dark depths of loneliness that you find yourself reaching for each next breath and you get a phone call from someone you love that you haven't talked to in a long time... or when you can't seem to find a smile to adorn your face hidden anywhere inside of you and a friend says exactly the right thing to you to make that smile appear out of nowhere...

sometimes timing is so strange and mysterious.

i often question the meaning of those things, that timing. it makes me think. a lot.

lately it seems that i have gotten myself into quite the fortuitously complicated situation. it also seems as though i am a glutton for punishment, i am extremely self-deprecating and i have unbelievable masochistic tendencies. this complicates things even further.

there is this fella that i can't get out of my mind... i care about him even though i shouldn't. i ache to be with him even though i shouldn't. i want him to reciprocate my feelings towards him... but i don't know if he does. i'm afraid to let him too close to me because he has the ability to hurt me so much. but i also want him to be close to me more than anything. no matter what happens, i want him to be happy... even at the expense of myself. i'm confused, scared, and i can't stop questioning everything. am i asking for heartache? am i knowingly walking into a situation in which i have no hope of exiting unscathed? am i willingly punishing myself?

or is it worth it?

to be continued...