defense mechanisms...

you need to be forewarned... i'm in a really bad mood. it's been a rough week. a really, really, really rough week.

so beware...

here goes... i do seem to have a knack for hurting myself. i seem to take a large portion of my frustrations out on myself. but as long as it isn't hurting someone else...

i'm not saying i'm a saint. i make more than my fair share of mistakes, i'm a chronic smart-ass, i often say things i don't really mean, and i hardly ever say the things i do really mean, i hold myself to impossible standards and then crucify myself for not being able to live up to them, i hide my true feelings behind layers and layers of denial because quite frequently my own feelings scare me, i have a hard time opening up and being honest with people i care about, i can be very cold and manipulative if i want to, i'm not sure who the real me is, i often put myself in situations that i know aren't good for me because then i have no one to blame but myself...

its all just defense mechanisms...

why do i revert to asshole mode when i'm feeling vulnerable or scared?
why do i lie about my feelings like they don't matter?
why can't i admit my feelings are real and that they have value?
why do i hide behind a mask of indifference?


i can't let fear keep me isolated anymore.