wishing you and yours the best this holiday season... Picasso Pictures Christmas Card 2009 from Amael Isnard on Vimeo.
peace and love to you,
calixta.jive.
have you ever gone through each day wondering if a decision you made may have been the biggest mistake you've ever made?
i have.
i do.
yuletide greetings, happy winter solstice, merry darkest night... whatever you prefer to call it. may your day, and (longest) night, be filled with joy and love.
xoxo.
to be honest with ya'll, i'm not even sure where to start.
i guess i'll take the easy (easiest?) route and try starting at the beginning... when i last left you i was headed to my last day of work in SoCal before my big move back to WI.
let me summarize the experience by saying this... it was me and my 2 cats in the car for a little less than 3 days... wow. actually, it was kind of fun. and my cats like hotels. who knew?
i arrived in WI in the middle of july or so... and when did the moving company get all of my things to WI? THE. END. OF. AUGUST. no joke.
i packed my car with enough stuff for me and my cats to survive 2 weeks. i'm talking the basics here folks, some clothes, my travel toiletries, all my cat stuff, my sleeping bag and pillow, my laptop, my camera, and some valuables i didn't want to pack. so let's just say that sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag for 5 weeks is NOT my idea of a good time. hell, i realized i am far too old for that... i was so sore! and yes, it crossed my mind to buy/borrow an air mattress but i have 2 cats with all their claws. enough said.
the kicker is that the end of august and september is one of the busiest times at work for me... especially starting a new job. so how fast do you think i got my stuff unpacked? oh yeah, there are still a few boxes that i haven't even emptied yet. i'm hoping to tackle that over the holiday break. *fingers crossed*
so that is just a little bit of why i haven't been blogging in awhile... understandable, i think so. the rest of the saga, to be continued...
the stars lean down to kiss you
and i lie awake and miss you
pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
'cause i'll doze off safe and soundly
but i'll miss your arms around me
i'd send a postcard to you, dear
'cause i wish you were here
i'll watch the night turn light-blue
but it's not the same without you
because it takes two to whisper quietly
the silence isn't so bad
'til i look at my hands and feel sad
'cause the spaces between my fingers
are right where yours fit perfectly
i'll find repose in new ways
though i haven't slept in two days
'cause cold nostalgia
chills me to the bone
but drenched in vanilla twilight
i'll sit on the front porch all night
waist-deep in thought because
when i think of you i don't feel so alone
i don't feel so alone, i don't feel so alone
as many times as i blink
i'll think of you tonight
i'll think of you tonight
when violet eyes get brighter
and heavy wings grow lighter
i'll taste the sky and feel alive again
and i'll forget the world that i knew
but i swear i won't forget you
oh, if my voice could reach
back through the past
i'd whisper in your ear
oh darling, i wish you were here
i know i've been gone a looooong ass time. and i'll get to that at some point. but for now, i need to know...
are there such things as "signs" out there?
now, i'm not talking about red octagons and yellow triangle type signs. i'm talking about having a dream about smoke and then your house burns down the next day. or your not sure where to eat for lunch and then you get a restaurant coupon in your email. alright, maybe those weren't very good examples, but you get my point.
see here's the deal... i try really hard to not think about my ex, "the one", but he just happened to come up in casual conversation today. no big deal. right? i haven't talked about him in months and i haven't seen him in years, but whatever. then just a few short hours later i check my e-mail and guess who has friended me on FB? yup, "the one".
so is that a sign? a freaky coincidence? or just something to get my overworked brain all messed up about?
if only my mind had an off switch...
yes. it's true.
i'm back.
:o)
today is my last day at work before i start my trek cross country to my new job. therefore i probably will not get a chance to update ya'll until i'm settled back in good ol' WI. don't worry, i'll try to update via twitter @CALIXTAJIVE and i'll catch up on all of your lovely blogs in the hotel rooms along the way...
it's a sad and happy last day... i'm sort of at a loss for words.
today i read an interesting article about the new ad campaign by Wieden+Kennedy that is supposed to help re-brand the dying Levi’s.
here is a tidbit:
"...was supposed to target Generation O seems to have ignored all the participation and multi-culturalism that this Obama-era is supposed to represent. Instead, we find lone white young men and women running through the hills and towards waves reflecting a misplaced interpretation of freedom..."
Levi’s and its campaign don’t connect with the great things that are happening in this country, the radiant mix of cultures evolving within it nor the reality of its past."
"and the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
~ anais nin
there are so many millions of things that are stressing me out, frustrating me, making me angry, worrying me, etc. for example:
once again, it is that time...
if you missed the introduction to "SPIT THAT GAME", let me fill you in...
because i love hip-hop and because i'm "down" (i mean really, who doesn't need a tip drill?) (not too mention i have the ass to prove it, lol, that is a topic for another post...), i feel that it is my duty to share with you a random sampling of a few of my all time favorite lines. now some of these lines have specific memories associated with them, some are just so true it is pure genius, and some just crack my shit up!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
because it's been far too long since our last installment, i bring you... VOLUME 4!!!
"protection, for gangs, clubs and nations. causing grief in human relations. it's a turf war, on a global scale. i'd rather hear both sides of the tale. see, its not about races, just places, faces. where your blood comes from is where your space is. i've seen the bright get duller, i'm not going to spend my life being a color." - l.t.b. (in michael jackson's black or white) (now those are some rap lines that still ring true...)
"check it out! once upon a time in '94, montell made no money and life sure was slow.
all they said was 6'8" he stood, and people thought the music that he made was good..." - montell jordan (seriously awesome... because this is how we do it!)
'so what up, what's haapnin'?
all you haters, can get at me
'cause i hear you, and am watchin' but am serious
haters, so all i got to say is WHAT UP!?...
"what it is bruh? what it do man?"' - t.i. (i'm not gonna lie to ya... i greet all my friends with "what it is bruh? what it do man?" now... lol, it's funny 'cause it's true...)
"hell yeah ma, i love a girl that's willin' to learn. willin' to get in the driver's seat and willin' to turn. and not concerned about that he say, she say, did he say what i think he said? squash that, he probably got that off ebay or some, internet access, some website chat line. mad cause i got mine, oh don't wind up on the flat line..." - nelly (who doesn't love rapping this line? 'cause this girl does!!! i even have hand motions for it... heehee.)
"watch out for the medallion my diamonds are wreckless.
feels like a MIDGET is hanging from my necklace." - ludacris (classic. CLASSIC!)
i'm itching to go dancing now... bring on JULY!!!
i am currently listening to PYT in honor of the King of Pop.
i can't put it any better than rs27 over at Your Beard is Good:
'"As my friend told me today, "He is the soundtrack of our childhood." I couldn't put it any better. So he was weird. So he was flakey and made poor decisions. Whatever. His music ruled.
....
If you don't like 80s Michael Jackson music you hate life.'
because MJ made us dance, MJ reminded us to not stop 'til we got enough, MJ made music fun, MJ made us all smooth criminals, MJ made music say something, MJ helped us remember the time, MJ thrilled us, MJ made us look at the man in the mirror, MJ was "bad", MJ made us ALL moonwalk, and of course...
MJ had some serious talent. no matter what choices he made, his music never ceased to be amazing... thanks for everything MJ, rest in peace...
i'm not a big fan of e-mail forwards (i'm sure ya'll understand when i already get around 200-300 e-mails a day for work), but i couldn't pass this one up (not sure where it originated though...). it made me giggle... heehee... enjoy!
"Wine and Water
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine (or beer, rum, tequila, vodka, whiskey... or other spirited beverage) ...and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia Coli, (aka. E. Coli - the bacteria found in feces).
In other words, we are consuming
1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when:
Drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey, vodka... or other spirited beverage), because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
So remember:
Water = Poop
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service."
yes. i said it. bumblebee IS my homeboy!
and i am so extremely ridiculously crazy excited for TRANSFORMERS 2: Revenge of The Fallen tonight at midnight!!!
(i'm even going out to buy the NEW limited transformers strawberried peanut butter M&M's before we go get in line... woot!)
and no, it's not my birthday. not even close. it may be worse than that.
i threw out my back. for the second time this year.
damn, i'm old.
so now... do i go to the doctor or not? do i go and have them tell me to rest and take aleve and i'll be better in a couple weeks... or even better have them tell me to use a heating pad and remember to walk around every few hours... or do i just tough it out?
i guess there is a chance it could be something bad.
but the reality is... it hurts. and this sucks.
let me update you on my weekend...
so as you may know, saturday was LA day! my girlfriends and i were complete tourists and despite the gloomy weather in the morning, i had an absolute blast!!! i had the best hotdog at pink's and bought some great buttons and stickers at johnny cupcakes... along with this shirt:
i have two things for you blogbunnies today... and because i'm trying to even out the craziness one is funny and one is just ridiculous (and not in that totally rad way that i love... more like what-the-eff? ridiculous). i'll update you on LA day and my fun weekend tomorrow...
ready?
i'll go with the fun first. ya'll know i have a BFA. yup. i was an art student. and i LOVED it!!! i'd go back in a heartbeat. in fact, i still dream about getting my MFA someday (because my MSed is not enough???) and have even sent away for all the info on my top choices of schools. so along those lines... i do keep up on my design skillz (though not always as much as i'd like to, unfortunately) and i spend some time reading a few of my favorite art/graphic/design etc. blogs. and low and behold what did i stumble upon today?
over on blog 30x30 by chuck dillon he asks the question "which student are you?"
chuck dillon 2009 - www.blog30x30blogspot.comLA Day!!! and i couldn't be more excited.
(and no, that is not an official day) LA Day is this super fun and exciting day that me and 3 of my girlfriends have planned out for weeks. we are heading into LA and we are going to be complete tourists! it is going to be amazing...
here is a list of some of the things we have planned:
yes, i know i'm not supposed to apologize for myself in my blogs. or complain too much or make my posts too long, but fuck it. this is my blog and i'll do what i want.
and i'm all fucking riled up tonight. because if i'm not riled up i'm bawling my eyes out.
i have been off and on all fucking day.
i just never ever thought that i'd be upset about leaving. my only thoughts were how many happy dances i would be doing. i certainly didn't think i'd be this. fucking. upset.
damn i'm swearing like a drunken sailor this evening.
i can't even get my thoughts out right now. i can't make them make sense. i want to get them out. i need to. and i just can't seem to do it. argh. one minute i'm fine... the next i'm hysterical.
this is just so unexpected. i moved out here and i had a rough time. i didn't realize that it would be so hard for me to be so far away from my family. especially since i have such a rough relationship with my mom and sister. but it was everything that i missed... the big family get-togethers, the ability to drive home whenever i needed to, the midwest, the nice people, the seasons, everything that was familiar to me...
and my job was so rough at first. it is such a tough position and it was one hell of a rocky road... but i am a fighter. i don't give up easy. and i have a midwest work ethic dammit!
at first all i wanted to do was leave... but i just couldn't. i knew that eventually i had to move on, move up, move back... for my health, my sanity, i was being realistic.
but in the meantime... i got attached.
i have seen my students come so far. i ahve seen them grow. i have seen them fight me, push back on everything i tried to do, battle every single change. and then i watched them accept me, open up to me, and trust me. i have seen them make huge leaps and strides. i have seen them step on the path to greatness. followers have become leaders. angry, frustrated kids have become passionate, driven adults. and i am so protective of them. i want the best for them. i don't want them to take a step back. i want them to continue on this path to greatness.
i can't even describe it. i guess i feel like they are all my kids and it is my job to take care of them. and yes, i know i can't take care of them forever, but i'm just not ready to let go yet. i want to be sure that they are ready. i want to protect them from everything. i want to be there to fight for them. and i know i can't be there for them forever...
i just can't believe i'm fucking feeling this way.
i don't like it out here. i want to live in the midwest. i have a great new job.
but the thought of leaving my students is just tearing me apart. it hurts physically. i have myself so worked up.
is the next "me" going to take care of them? lead them down the right path? understand the unique system they have? work with them for 15 hours a day because they love them so so much? fight for them because they have their best interest at heart? be at all of their events just to show them how much they care about them? be patient and understanding but firm? have their office open to them all day and all night just to talk things out - good and bad? support them and believe in them?
and the worst damn part... i have no one to talk to.
no one.
all of my "close" friends here have moved on. and my friends back home just don't understand. my family never went to college let alone understand what i do... they didn't want me to move out here in the first place. and i have built my fucking walls so high that i haven't let anyone in enough to have someone to talk to. i know it's my own damn fault but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck ass.
so here i am. bitching. and crying. on a friday night. to the interwebs.
i just hope my students know how so so so proud i am of them. and i know that they can accomplish great things. i believe in them. no matter how many times i tell them... i hope they don't forget...
i expected to be elated... and i'm so nervous and scared and upset...
this isn't how it is supposed to be.
****************************
one addition to that last post:
having my two adorable kitties curl up with me sure does make me feel better. :o)
Posts
All Comments
