i apologize in advance...

yes, i know i'm not supposed to apologize for myself in my blogs. or complain too much or make my posts too long, but fuck it. this is my blog and i'll do what i want.

and i'm all fucking riled up tonight. because if i'm not riled up i'm bawling my eyes out.

i have been off and on all fucking day.

i just never ever thought that i'd be upset about leaving. my only thoughts were how many happy dances i would be doing. i certainly didn't think i'd be this. fucking. upset.

damn i'm swearing like a drunken sailor this evening.

i can't even get my thoughts out right now. i can't make them make sense. i want to get them out. i need to. and i just can't seem to do it. argh. one minute i'm fine... the next i'm hysterical.

this is just so unexpected. i moved out here and i had a rough time. i didn't realize that it would be so hard for me to be so far away from my family. especially since i have such a rough relationship with my mom and sister. but it was everything that i missed... the big family get-togethers, the ability to drive home whenever i needed to, the midwest, the nice people, the seasons, everything that was familiar to me...

and my job was so rough at first. it is such a tough position and it was one hell of a rocky road... but i am a fighter. i don't give up easy. and i have a midwest work ethic dammit!

at first all i wanted to do was leave... but i just couldn't. i knew that eventually i had to move on, move up, move back... for my health, my sanity, i was being realistic.

but in the meantime... i got attached.

i have seen my students come so far. i ahve seen them grow. i have seen them fight me, push back on everything i tried to do, battle every single change. and then i watched them accept me, open up to me, and trust me. i have seen them make huge leaps and strides. i have seen them step on the path to greatness. followers have become leaders. angry, frustrated kids have become passionate, driven adults. and i am so protective of them. i want the best for them. i don't want them to take a step back. i want them to continue on this path to greatness.

i can't even describe it. i guess i feel like they are all my kids and it is my job to take care of them. and yes, i know i can't take care of them forever, but i'm just not ready to let go yet. i want to be sure that they are ready. i want to protect them from everything. i want to be there to fight for them. and i know i can't be there for them forever...

i just can't believe i'm fucking feeling this way.

i don't like it out here. i want to live in the midwest. i have a great new job.

but the thought of leaving my students is just tearing me apart. it hurts physically. i have myself so worked up.

is the next "me" going to take care of them? lead them down the right path? understand the unique system they have? work with them for 15 hours a day because they love them so so much? fight for them because they have their best interest at heart? be at all of their events just to show them how much they care about them? be patient and understanding but firm? have their office open to them all day and all night just to talk things out - good and bad? support them and believe in them?

and the worst damn part... i have no one to talk to.

no one.

all of my "close" friends here have moved on. and my friends back home just don't understand. my family never went to college let alone understand what i do... they didn't want me to move out here in the first place. and i have built my fucking walls so high that i haven't let anyone in enough to have someone to talk to. i know it's my own damn fault but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck ass.

so here i am. bitching. and crying. on a friday night. to the interwebs.

i just hope my students know how so so so proud i am of them. and i know that they can accomplish great things. i believe in them. no matter how many times i tell them... i hope they don't forget...


i expected to be elated... and i'm so nervous and scared and upset...

this isn't how it is supposed to be.


****************************
one addition to that last post:

having my two adorable kitties curl up with me sure does make me feel better. :o)

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guess who's b-back, back...

yes, it's true... i'm back!

so sorry for my absence... may was a whirlwind of activity, work, travel, work, interviews, work, and oh yes, work.

here are a few random tidbits to help sum up my brief intermission (but actually they don't really sum it up much at all... :o)

• the semester is over! woot! i will now be working somewhat normal hours... i'm talking maybe even closer to 40 hours a week people!!!
• i'm going to miss some of my graduates... others, not so much, heehee.
  
• senior dinner was amazing but i'm glad it's over. being in charge of an 1,100 person dinner is stressful!
• the outerbanks, NC are amazing!
  
• ACE and eddie's wedding was glorious and the mini RED DOT reunion was nice, too. :o)
  
• my few days at the beach were blissful (for the most part...) and i met some wonderful people, worked on my freckles (in leiu of a tan... i AM a redhead), met some yummy fishermen, drank a couple or 12 spirited beverages, and read 4 novels... 4, now that's my kind of vacay!
• above is the view from our three-story beach house equppied with 7 bathrooms, a pool, a hot tub, innumerable beds, and a short walk to the ocean!!!
  
• had another interview (that involved flying half way across the country and then getting stuck in the airport for about 24 hours)
• i adore the driver... seriously. and actually, i'll be spending the weekend with him, too. the beach, a night out, and an entire weekend of his gorgeousness... fun! (so maybe this whole online dating thing isn't so terrible???)
  
• i spoke to my sister for the first time since thanksgiving yesterday... strange.
  
• i missed you all... and my google reader is right around 500 unread items... so sorry if i haven't commented, i will be getting through them now that i will have a bit of down time.
• expect big news coming from my corner of the interweb this monday!
• oh and why did i drink so much last night? heehee...
  

oh and did i mention i missed you?!?!!!

xoxo,
calixta.jive.

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brief thoughts...

yes, it is 12:35 am and i am just getting home from work. yes i went to work at 9 am.

ugh.

i just had a few thoughts i need to get out there:

• swine flu? seriously?
• would i rather have a student meeting of 60 people that is angry, fighting, and stressful or laughing, off-topic, and basically a silly mess? i pick B.
• i mastered my maple buttercream frosting... yum.
• it was my ma's birthday today... happy birthday!!! (not that she reads this...)
• i'm confused... but happy.
  
• i wish i could move a few cities of my choosing next to each other.
• what's with all of this plagiarism? if you don't have anything good (whatever that may be) to write just be emo post some song lyrics about how you feel and give credit to the band... like i do.
• i'm frustrated (which equates to hurt in my world) by some of my "friends" these days.
• i miss my family.
• i think my cats may be crazy... and i think they get that from me.
• paying $6 for a pint of beer makes me very very sad.
• how about that nfl draft?

and that is all my mind can come up with tonight... more tomorrow. or later today rather.

night!

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so it's easter...

and i am in SoCal and all of my family is in the midwest.

and all of my friends here have somewhere to be.

and so...

i am spending the entire day baking (and watching season 1 of how i met your mother on dvd in the background).

i'm making cupcake pops (seen here although mine don't look quite that perfect), peanut butter cup brownie bites, and double stuf cupcakes! it's delicious and depressing all at the same time... lol.

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homemade pizza and a beer...

alright, before i get into the emotional stuff, let's recap:

because i am a good friend (or at least i try to be) about a week and a half ago on thursday night i went out for dinner with some friends for veedub's birthday... and because everyone but the dr. and i went home right after dinner i felt obligated to head out with them for a birthday drink at our bar (partly because veedub joined me for my birthday and partly because i know what it's like to have a lame birthday). an you know what happens when i head to our bar...

i get ridiculous. then start dancing. and flirting. and just can't stop taking shots. (and eventually i take my pants off...)

and of course, all of my favorite peeps were there, jack sparrow, JD, and of course... charles ingalls (who i got a few kisses and a few drinks from, lol.) and of course they were all wondering where i'd been...

so i ended up staying out way to late and getting way to drunk... heehee. (but i did wait until i got home to take off my pants... this time.) which wouldn't have been bad except i still had to pack for my mini-holiday break and leave for the airport at 4:30 am!!!

i am a glutton for punishment. haha.

anyway... i made it (barely), passed out on the planes, and was completely exhausted, but too excited to see my sisters and present at the conference to let myself slow down. so i spent the first weekend at another conference... the last leg in my tour for february. and i have to say that it was absolutely amazing! my sisters are wonderful, my sessions went so great, and don't even get me started on the hotel. can anyone say polynesian getaway in the middle of winter??? we took to referring to it as TIKILAND. heehee. it was unforgettable. i managed to get second place in our annual euchre tourney for the second year in a row which was fun (but one of these years i am going to win!!!) and spend time with my favorite asians.

after the conference was over i headed even farther north into the upper midwest to enjoy a week of sleeping, eating, napping, drinking, watching movies, dozing off, and having fun away from work! i'm pretty sure that i slept all of monday and tuesday besides eating, sleeping, and a couple movies. after that i was up for some shopping, heading out to a basketball game, seeing some friends and family, drinks and bar darts (which i LOVE!), and an epic hockey game!

i stayed most of the week with one of my old pals, fresh. he now lives in an old farm house with 4 guys in a sort of hostel. there are guys coming and going, staying for a few days here and there, popping in for video games, beers, basketball. all in all, a scene i pretty much dig, EXCEPT: the ONE bathroom! it was awful! dirty, small, NO outlets! seriously... there were NO outlets! ladies, trust me when i tell you that i did my best to convince those fellas that if they ever hoped to have an ladies stay there on any sort of regular basis they needed to remedy that situation. and fast. lol.

oh and the hockey game... let's just say that it was preempted by me eating my weight in wings, it was dollar beer night at the arena, there were people kicked out in the first 3 minutes, i witnessed one of the best and bloodiest hockey fights ever, and i made new friends! heehee... and by friends i mean the guys in the 2 rows in front of us (we were in the third row behind the players box) that were amused by my amazing decibel level and clever antics when yelling at the players, coaches, refs, fans, whoever or whatever i could think of to yell at! what can i say... i'm loud. (did i ever tell you that i was once told to "QUIET DOWN" by a REF at a HOCKEY GAME? seriously. no joke. they skated over to the glass, pointed at me, and told me to "QUIET DOWN!" ahh, but i digress...) they were amused... the one fellas girlfriend, not so amused. but hey, she was lame and had no idea what was going on anyway. it was a blast and we kicked the other teams ass!

and so yeah... i also got to enjoy a really comfy hotel suite, a trip to a giant bass pro shop, yummy food at my favorite restaurants, snowstorms and -20 degree weather, and some great clearance shopping.

it was GREAT!

i was sad to have to come back to socal.

unfortunately, i have tons and tons of work that has been waiting for my return and i just can't seem to shake this melancholy mood that has taken over.

and i think i know what started it (its not all of it, but i think it is what started it).

#23.

originally, i planned on extending my conference trip so i could spend the rest of the week with #23. but since that fell apart i had to make other plans. and yes, it was great to have the time off and catch up with friends and family, in the back of my mind i knew i was supposed to be seeing #23. and i think that a part of me was hoping that i would get to see him. nothing serious. just something like dinner or drinks, a little catch up.

and it's not even that i was hoping he'd see me and realize he made a mistake. because i really don't think it's the right time for us... and timing is everything. it's that i was really hoping that we would be able to be friends.

we kind of skipped that part and if given the chance, i think we would make quite good friends. but unfortunately, it looks as though that isn't going to happen.

and i know, we live far apart, we have separate lives, we have plenty of other friends. i guess i just thought that there was enough between us that we would be good for each other.... as friends.

but alas, he doesn't return my calls, or my e-mails, or my texts. and that's that. so now what do i do? i need to stop thinking of him and just stop trying. so how do i do that when there are little things that make me think of him that only he would understand, or things that make me laugh that only he would laugh at with me, or things that happen that i only want to share with him? maybe i should cut him out, delete him from my facebook/myspace/phone, etc. ugh, i don't know.

what i do know is that it got me into a funk and now i can't stop thinking too much. thinking too much about what in the world is going on with the ranger. thinking too much about how much mr. west wants to come and see me. thinking too much about how it seems that fresh is looking at me as more than friends these days. thinking about what in the world i am going to do about the dr. thinking about whet i'm going to do and where in the world i am going to go and if i'm going to have to do it all alone.

and all i want is my happy, positive mood back. ugh...

oh and my boys were pissed that i was gone (again). and i can't blame them... but at least buddy has willie to hang out with (terrorize) when i'm gone now. the dr. played cat sitter for me again, which i appreciate beyond comprehension. and when i return sunday night they were surely not going to let me sleep... they wanted attention from mom and they were not going to have it any other way.

so much for catching up on my sleep... lol.

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for goodness sake i think i'm on the edge of something new with you...

alright... there has been a lot of things going on in my little corner of the world lately and i have been doing a bad job of keeping you updated. i will not apologize however... (apparently you shouldn't, lol. not that i don't regularly break most of these rules...) but alas, what can i say? i've been a busy bee. ;o)

here goes... besides working way too much (as in 12-15 hour days monday-friday and some weekend days/nights, besides being on-call, or 12-15 hour days monday-thursday and traveling/conferencing friday-sunday only to hit repeat...), i have been doing really great.

let us summarize with bullets:

• i love my sisters! LITP!
  
• i despise canceled flights (especially when you get re-routed to an entirely different destination and get seated in the center seat on a 5 hour flight and the women behind you pukes everywhere...)
• i love being busy... even though i love being lazy, too.
• i think my cats are actually dogs (more on that some other day...).
• i'm normally not optimistic, positive or strong. but i'm trying to be! (and thanks for all of the great words of encouragement... i appreciate them all more than you know).
  
• knee-high socks make me happy. i'm kinda obsessed...
  
• holiday filled weekends are fun (friday-the-13th, valentines day, president's day...)!
• i've made it to balitmore and newark on my conference tour so far... chicago and san francisco are yet to come...
• i love peanut butter.
• my blog isn't really funny (well, it is to me, i'm easily amused!)... but i think it serves a great purpose.
• my mom/sister make my blood pressure rise.
• i can't wait for friday at 3 pm!!!

and on that note... the important part of today's post: this weekend!!!

as you may recall, the ranger is flying across the country to spend the weekend with me and i couldn't be more excited! seriously!

we've known each other for about 8 years now (wow... it's been that long???) and we originally met in undergrad... i'll spare you the fraternity/sorority hijinks! lol. let's just say that i was completely enamored of him, but i wasn't really in the best place in my life at the time. the time we did spend together was wonderful... some of the best memories and most hilarious stories i have from undergrad involve the ranger! time passed, i graduated, i moved, he graduated, he moved, there were other gf's and bf's, there were more moves, and more moves... we would see each other every once in awhile when we were back in the ol' college town, and we somehow have always kept in touch (even if it meant weeks or months had gone by...).

and i've never completely let him go.

he is an amazing man (although he would never agree). he's brilliant and humble. gorgeous and down to earth. we have a lot in common and it's always been easy to be "comfortable" with him (not in a bad, way... in a really really good way. and he always makes me laugh- which is always a huge plus in my book!

anyway... we started talking again regularly this past fall (due to some random events... and proof that this is one small world that we live in!). we've been exchanging phone calls and the ever-so-popular digital communication... via myspace/facebook, etc. (although he doesn't have text messaging... which makes me CRAAAAZY!) we've always joked about when the other person was going to move closer, and we've always made comments about how no one is quite equal to who we each are. it's been casual, strictly friends. but he does have the unrivaled ability to call me at that exact moment when i need it the most, at those hopeless moments, at those lost moments. it's unexplainable and completely wonderful.

i was lucky enough to get to see him over new years... and it made my heart happy to know that i could be in the same room with him and still feel at ease, he could still make me laugh like no one else, that everything between us was still "easy", and that spark was still there (not to mention, the fact that i had a blast going out on the town with him and all of our friends, we had an epic time out-and-about in the ol' college town drinking, dancing, drinking, laughing, drinking, reminiscing, drinking, watching the ball drop in the -30 degree weather, drinking (for warmth!), and stumbling back to the hotel close to sunrise! and it sure didn't hurt that he made sure that whenever my hands were empty he had a drink waiting to replace it!!!)

and ever since... we've stayed in touch just that much more.

it was about 2 weeks ago when we were chatting on the phone and i was talking about how i wasn't going to get to see him again until may when i head over to NC for a wedding (which is going to be amazing btw!) and he made a comment about how far away that was. i told him that he should come out to SoCal and visit... he mentioned that maybe he should, he hasn't been out to CA since he was 5. of course he mentioned that he would but i am always traveling so i wouldn't be here anyway. i told him that wasn't true (well not entirely... lol!). so he mentioned that he did have a 4 day weekend coming up... over president's day. i exclaimed - that is the only weekend i will be in CA all month, you should totally come out and visit! ... and that is pretty much where the conversation ended.

until the next morning when i get a message that simply says: "what airport would i fly in to?"

i message him back, trying desperately to not get my hopes up... because i didn't want to get crushed again. that evening i get a phone call 'round about the time he would have been getting home from work...

"i'm buying a plane ticket, what time can you pick me up?"

so we chatted about flights, and risks involved with flying on friday-the-13th, and then he says, ok, talk to you later. and that was that! ;o)

and that leads me to now... i've been trying desperately to plan some fun things to do while he is here, but of course the weather is not cooperating!!! we have some fun plans for a night of drunken debauchery filled with spirited beverages and all of my favorite peeps tomorrow night and will probably end with me taking my pants off... again... BUT... it's valentine's day this weekend!!!

and so far he's referenced friday-the-13th and even president's day. but no mention of the day of hearts-n-flowers-n-chocolate-n-xoxo's!

so what do i do?!?!

do i acknowledge it? plan something? get him a present? get him a present but hide it and only reveal its existence if he acknowledges it first? pretend it doesn't exist? act like i don't know what day it is? ahhhh!

and it sure doesn't help when we are in some sort of pseudo "friends but past flames" state and this weekend feels somewhat like a "let's-see-how-this-goes-and-then-take-it-from-there" audition for the future. and this is the first time WE are going to be spending an extended period of time together, just US. and i'm SUPER nervous (but not necessarily in a bad way...).

oh geez. what have i gotten myself into. ;o)

just let me remind you... i did not pick the weekend. and yes... this is what has been on my mind today... so shoot me.

I AM SO EXCITED!!! (i can't stop smiling...)

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alright, alright... here are my "25 random things"...

alright… i finally gave in…


Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.


1. my favorite color in the world is orange… but i love to wear black (debra messing said redheads look hot in black, and she is right!!!), shades of blue calm me down, and i used to wish my gray eyes were green but now i wouldn’t change them a bit.

2. i have 2 cats, buddy and willie. i’ve had buddy since undergrad and he has moved to 3 different states, driven across the country, and lived in 6 (?) different apartments with me! i would be lost without him, he is such a momma’s boy, too! he greets me at the door, gives kisses on command and always cuddles with me. willie on the other hand is quite the handful… i just got him in september and he is definitely still in kitten mode. actually, i think he may be a dog. no joke. he chews everything (and usually eats it!), begs for food, and talks a lot! but all in all, you really can’t beat laying in bed and having each one of my little sweets curled up in the crook of my elbow or in between my knees…

3. i hate talking on the phone… a lot. i love texting, IM’ing, e-mail, facebook, myspace, whatever… but no phone calls. Oh and i hate leaving messages or checking my voicemail… weird, right?

4. i’m not a girly girl (by any means) but i love makeup! it’s like getting to paint-by-numbers your face, in different colors in different ways – everyday! i guess that is the artist in me…

5. speaking of art… i have a bachelor of fine arts degree in graphic communication and a masters of science – education in college student development and administration. and i LOVE learning.. it’s fun for me! right now i am using my master’s degree in my current profession and my graphics degree on the side (and for fun)… but sometimes i wonder if that will ever reverse itself???

6. i am a member of a sorority and am so grateful for each and every wonderfully amazing, talented, brilliant sister i have in my life because of it. Not too mention all the magnificent opportunities!

7. i am completely enthralled with all things retro. i’m talking 1950’s here people. i think i was born in the wrong time! someday i want a completely retro kitchen… and the outfits to go with it!!!

8. i am slightly obsessed with music. and my iTunes. and my iTunes playlists. seriously. and i listen to everything from country to hip-hop. not too mention i have to have music playing AT ALL TIMES. what can i say? the soundtrack to my life is AHHH-mazing!

9. i don’t watch tv anymore (1. because i am never home 2. because i can’t justify paying for cable when i am never home 3. there’s not much on that i want to watch anyway 4. i’d rather watch a movie, yay netflix!) but when i did my favorite shows were, and always will be, gilmore girls and my so-called life!!! i can totally relate to angela chase, I still have a huge crush on jordan catalano… and who doesn’t want to grow up to be lorelai gilmore and have her wardrobe?!?!

10. i am a redhead. a real one. and i love it!

11. my favorite food is cheese. but some people don’t consider that a valid answer because it is not a meal (bah, i say it is!) so my alternative answers would be pizza and gnocchi! and chocolate!!! yum!

12. my favorite season is fall. i love the chilly weather, the leaves, the smell. i love the clothes, scarves, sweaters, and sweatshirts. football season! october is my favorite month, my birthday, and halloween. (other favorites include, but are not limited to: chapstick, shoulder rubs, laughing so hard i sound like an owl, dancing, checking things off my to-do list(s), swimming, staying in a hotel, candles, traveling, mountain dew, m&m’s, busting out a rap, making people happy, and smelling good…)

13. i’m not what i appear to be on first impression. there is a lot more to me and it usually surprises most people when they get to know me further.

14. i absolutely LOVE the green bay packers! i’ve been a huge fan for pretty much my entire life and i am not a fair-weather fan… i’m standing behind my team win or lose! GO PACK GO!

15. i am ridiculously scared of spiders! to an insane level. it makes me physically upset just thinking about them…

16. i have about a million favorite movies but some of my all-times are: sixteen candles (i have the hugest crush on jake ryan and who doesn’t secretly want to be molly ringwald?!?) and the goonies (because who didn’t always want to go hunting for treasures with all of your best friends?).

17. i am my own worst critic. i am very judgmental of myself. i never think that what i do is good enough. and it makes for some seriously low self-esteem and little to no self-worth on my part… not to mention i put everyone and everything in front of myself. but if you ever need anything… just ask. i’ll do whatever i can to make sure you get what you need!

18. i absolutely love to read. i think i get this from my mom. i read every night before i go to bed. stephen king is by far my favorite author. actually… i think he is a god. i have read almost every single one of his books at least 3 times (if not more) and i own almost every one of them also (some i own 2 and 3 copies of…). but i’ll read just about anything i can get my hands on. someday i want a library in my house… books and comfortable chairs and lots of lamps (no overhead lighting… eew!).

19. i have the most amazing friends… all over the country. and i’d be lost with out them. (thank you!)

20. i LOVE the midwest! i miss it so much… the weather, the people, everything! and along with that… i LOVE my family… from my parents to my sisters and brother, to all of my millions of cousins. my family is crazy and amazing and i wish i lived closer to them… they are all so wonderful and unique! it makes my heart swell with happiness just being around them all! i miss them SO much.

21. i am an extremely passionate person. when i care about something/someone, or when something/someone is important to me, i give it my all. (even little things – like the fact that i will always love the packers, i prefer chevy to ford, and i love macs and think PC’s are crap, hee hee!).

22. i am overly sensitive and defensive. i put on a tough act, but really i’m a big ol’ softy and way too emotional for my own good. this makes for some tough relationships… also, i’m an empathy. which i love. but it’s also really hard on me as well. it makes me a quality friend and very good at my profession (i think?). but it weighs heavily on my heart, shoulders, and mind…

23. i enjoy cooking and baking (just not cleaning up afterward!). and one of my favorite hobbies is decorating cakes, cupcakes, and cookies! how much fun is creating art made of deliciousness?!?

24. i love to sleep! unfortunately, i have had trouble sleeping on and off for the past few years and it has taken a toll on me. i’m talking only 3 and 4 hours of sleep a night here people! i just can’t seem to stay asleep… or shut my mind off (i think too much!). i need to not be so stressed out!!!

25. i love clutter. most people would say that i am messy, but i just love to be surround with “stuff!” it makes things cozy. pictures, books, candles, retro collectibles, lamps, ceramics, lots of things that most people would consider junk but hold a memory that i think is priceless… it makes my apartment interesting and my small office very inviting (i think!).


and that is that. just a little glimpse into the randomness that is me! now tell me about you!

i am supposed to tag 25 people… but i’ll leave it at this: if you are reading this, consider yourself tagged!

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the scorpion and the frog...

have you ever heard the tale of the scorpion and the frog?

i've been ridiculously sick this week, and when i wasn't trying to manage through a day of work, i've been laying on the couch with my cats (which they appreciate after having been gone so long over the holidays) watching dvd's of the gilmore girls (some of you may know this is my all-time favorite tv show), this episode came on and when i heard this story again it hit me.

this is my family. well, my mother and my older sister. they are the scorpions.

i am the frog...

EMILY: Lorelai, stop this. I know you're upset. I know you hate us, but -

LORELAI: I don't hate you. Why would I hate you?

EMILY: Well, because we - because you thought we -

LORELAI: You were just being you. You couldn't help it.

EMILY: What are you talking about?

LORELAI: The scorpion and the frog. It's an old story. The scorpion says to the frog, "Hey, frog. Give me a lift to the other side of the pond." Frog says, "No way. You'll sting me and I'll die." Scorpion says, "Will not! 'Cause then we'd both drown." Frog says "Cool." So... scorpion gets on the frog's back, and frog makes it to the middle of the pond, and the scorpion stings him. As the frog is going down, he says, "Why would you do that? Now we'll both die." Scorpion says, "Sorry, it's just my nature."

[She points to herself] Frog. [She points to them.] Scorpion.

EMILY: I always thought it was a turtle.

LORELAI: Whatever it was. You guys couldn't help it.

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oh hell yes, i'm a nervous wreck... oh hell yes, the drugs just make me reset...

i'm struggling terribly with the task of letting all of the thoughts that are stuck in my head slide out through my fingertips and press themselves into the keyboard and onto the computer screen. they don't want to formulate themselves into comprehensible thoughts. they want to stay intangible and unjustifiable. this is what i do to myself.

let me attempt to explain...

i am a master of self-sabotage. seriously. if there was a degree in self-sabotage you would all be addressing me as dr., thank you. (or is it that i am my own worst enemy? my own worst critic? fuck if i know...) i find something that makes me happy... and then i ruin it. i destroy it. i push it away.

and i haven't done it yet, but i feel my thoughts turning darker and all of my inner doubts creeping in and taking over my otherwise sunshine filled demeanor (which in itself is odd because i am sergeant pessimist, nancy negative, hell... captain backfire... but i digress).

but then again, maybe its because i am at home. with my family. they have that effect on me.

do you want to read my unending description of how i'll never be enough for my family, how i will never live up to their expectations, how i am not a good enough daughter/sister? no? i thought so.

so i'll leave it at this... i will not let these holiday blues ruin what i have going right now. i won't.

i can't.

so in complete disregard of my current state of mind (and the fact that it is -10 degrees here and i can't seem to feel my toes or get my mother to turn the heat over 65 degrees) i will lament you with a brief summary of the first 1/3 of my holiday hiatus...

i was lucky enough to convince #23 to pick me up at the airport... even though it was blizzarding and the middle of the night and he had other places he was supposed to be. i am one lucky girl. i got to spend the next few days encircled in the bliss that is 3 parts desire, 2 parts fervor, 4 parts adoration and 2 parts midwestern winter. i simply cannot portray just how enamored i am with him. it's intense... and confusing. it makes my knees weak, and my heart race, and mind reel. and the most troubling part of it all? i have no idea 1) how he feels, 2) where this is going, and 3) why the hell he is spending his time with me...

dammit... i'm doing it again and i said i wouldn't.

sorry.

another highlight of the trip so far was getting to see some of my sweets for a night of good food, good fun, way too much laughing and large quantities of liquor. one of the best nights i've had in a LONG time. it was just like old times... and in a completely great way. just another reminder of how much i need to move back to the midwest. and my sweets are amazing... i love them so! not too mention, they simply adored #23 (yes, he agreed to partake in our night of debauchery and probably learned a little bit more about me than he was prepared for... lol.) and he seemed to enjoy himself. although staying up until 5:30 am the night before his family christmas festivities was probably not the smartest thing for me to entice him into... woops.

and now i'm up north... (farther up north) and trying my damnedest to get in some relaxing time without driving myself crazy before my families each partake in their christmas extracurriculars and i get to see a never-ending line-up of cousins (yay!), friends (woot!), and college friends and sisters (double woot!), some of whom i haven't seen in years!

i will be sure to fill you in whenever i get a chance to hit up the internet. and in the meantime, i will do my best to not have my mother disown me... again.

cheers.

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break...

yes. i'm on break. and i'm broken.

is break supposed to break you down? i thought that break was supposed to refresh you, recharge you, reinvigorate you.

not with my family. not for me.

i wish i could find the words to explain. maybe its too soon. maybe my mind is too far down in the middle of it right now. maybe i'll be able to explain it better later... or maybe i'll bury it deep down under my layers of pain and despair.

just know that i am broken.

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