i'm sorry, what?!?...

i have two things for you blogbunnies today... and because i'm trying to even out the craziness one is funny and one is just ridiculous (and not in that totally rad way that i love... more like what-the-eff? ridiculous). i'll update you on LA day and my fun weekend tomorrow...

ready?

i'll go with the fun first. ya'll know i have a BFA. yup. i was an art student. and i LOVED it!!! i'd go back in a heartbeat. in fact, i still dream about getting my MFA someday (because my MSed is not enough???) and have even sent away for all the info on my top choices of schools. so along those lines... i do keep up on my design skillz (though not always as much as i'd like to, unfortunately) and i spend some time reading a few of my favorite art/graphic/design etc. blogs. and low and behold what did i stumble upon today?

over on blog 30x30 by chuck dillon he asks the question "which student are you?"

chuck dillon 2009 - www.blog30x30blogspot.com

hilarious!!! and so true. i may have made a few slight changes (simply due to the fact that i went to a different school in a very different part of the country) but nonetheless... hilarious!!!

can you guess which one i was??? (and no... it is not the one featured here... lol.)

and now on the what-the-eff ridiculousness...

do you remember the ranger? yup, this one. one and the same. and you remember this (oh yes, almost 2 months to the day after visiting me, i find out about his gf)?

well, more big news thanks to good ol' FB. almost 2 months to the day after finding out that the ranger has a gf he never ever mentioned to me (and we are supposed to be good friends... or so i thought) and almost 4 months to the day after the aforementioned incident above i log on to facebook and what do i see???

over in the so-called "highlights" section it reads: "the ranger is engaged to girl i didn't know existed" (formerly known as girl who is not me) (once again, names have been changed, slightly).

ENGAGED? what-the-eff???

seriously!

and no, i'm not interested in being with the ranger. that's not it. it just bothers me that we are supposed to be good friends and yet he is dating someone i've never heard him mention and then suddenly he is engaged to her. i guess my idea of being friends is slightly different than his???

and what was his visit all about then? i just don't even have words...

hmmmm...

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everyone, meet mr. west (part 2)...

(enjoy part 2 of the mr. west saga... while i am on a field trip to magic mountain with a crew of my students!)

so there we were... mr. west and i entangled in a "relationship" that was still never defined, but oddly lasting over time and distance...

mr. west flew from AZ to see me (about 2 years ago exactly) while i was finishing up grad school and things were great, seeing him again was just like old times (well maybe not entirely like old times... we had grown up quite a bit, but damn was he still handsome, lol.) but i have to admit, i was distracted trying to wrap up school, my upcoming comps, teaching, and being consumed with my assistantship. so i didn't really know what i was in for.

now keep in mind, he's always joked that we were going to get married some day, that i was going to be his baby's mama, that his family was going to love me. we even made the "my best friend's wedding" deal with each other, but never really specified an age. we've even talked about whether or not my family would approve of him, he knows that he really needs to be on my ma's good side ( just like i have to get his mama's approval) and i always reassured him that she would adore him as long as he was good to me. my father being another story. but we've come a long way on that front... hell, i even got him to vote for Obama! but we've ALWAYS joked about that sort of thing. he tells me how gorgeous our babies would be (which they would be, lol.), and how he is going to take care of me, and wonders how he is going to but up with me (when he knows he really has to worry about how i'm going to put up with him)... it's what we do.

anyway... i digress. not all that long after he visited me when i was in grad school he sent me a package. in the package, a ring box and a note. in the box, a very lovely (but definitely not ME, i don't wear gold - unless its white gold, and i like simple, retro... wondering does he even know me???) ring. very lovely and very clearly an engagement ring. now why would someone send an engagement ring to someone in the mail you might ask? i wondered the same thing. now why would someone send an engagement ring to someone they've never "really" dated and weren't currently dating you might ask? i wondered the same thing. now what in the world did the note say you might ask?

"i love ya, mr. west."

yes, it said "ya". ladies... do you know what that means? oh yes, so do i. fellas... do YOU know what that means? i sure as hell hope so.

and that was it. that was the package. that was the ring. and that was the note.

our next phone conversation:

MR. WEST: "did you get the ring?"
ME: "yes."
MR. WEST: "good."

and that was it! he never asked anything more about it. i never asked more about it. (why you ask? well i was afraid. i didn't want him to ask because i knew i had to say no and i was sure that if he asked me then he would never ask me again when i would be ready to say yes.) my friends were shocked that i didn't send it back. (i do still have it. to be completely honest with you all, i even wear it sometimes). but i couldn't send it back, not unless he asked me to. that would have been one hell of a blow to his ego and it would have closed doors that i didn't want closed.

so almost 2 years later, we are still in touch, we are both still single, and i've been thinking about him so much lately. he's been talking about wanting to come and see me, but considering i was in the state and not working for somewhere around 15 seconds of the last semester it just hasn't worked out. he finally made plans to fly out this next weekend but then i find out this past thursday that he can't make it. he put in his papers to be transferred back to the midwest (closer to his home, his family, and out of the AZ heat) and so he had to meet with the district managers, etc, etc. i had been so excited to see him... and disappointment is just not handled well on my part. ya'll remember the trip #23 was supposed to make? yeah, so needless to say i was devastated. part of the reason i went out and drowned my sorrows thursday night. i was in a very down mood and this just tipped the scales.

so apparently mr. west and i had a very drunken (on my part) conversation late thursday night and talked about how he had saturday and sunday off and i may or may not have mentioned coming to see him. so in my exhausted, depressed, stressed state on friday afternoon i decided that while a 5 hour car ride was a bitch, i only live once and i just needed to see mr. west before i live the rest of my one life always wondering what if...

and that sets the stage for my impromptu trip to AZ... stay tuned.


on a very personal sidenote: have you noticed a pattern here? i let these fellas get close but just not too close... damn. i guess that is why people make comments about me having fellas all over the place... hmmm. it's easier for me to excited about someone that lives across the country, or is completely unavailable, because i'm not at such a risk of having to let them in... think about it - mr. west, the ranger, The Man, #23, "rob lowe", the dr. - all of them... i bring it all on myself...

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i don't believe in magic anymore...

i don't know what's wrong with me but you could say anything to me today and here is exactly what my reaction would be:

burst into tears.

yes, that's super. and maybe i have a little idea of what it's about but... girl, get a hold of yourself! it's not even 5 pm and i've burst into tears 5 separate times today.

that's. just. great.

so besides the fact that i've actually started to try out the online dating scene, the ranger is now "in a relationship", and my job makes me feel terrible about myself... L is too busy with her boyfriend to make time for me and The Dr. doesn't need another complication (in the form of me) in his life, which basically equates to my two closest friends here in SoCal aren't really in my life. so i work, work some more, work, and then work. and that is the entirety of my existence these days.

its fun.

wow, i'm just a barrel of depressing sarcasm today.

i've also had this overwhelming feeling that i'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.

yes yes, except for my cats. oh that makes me feel better.

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dammit facebook...

so like a lot of people out there, i have a facebook.

it comes in very handy in my profession, not too mention keeping in touch with lots of folks due to the fact that i am across the country. generally, i enjoy facebook.

until it bitchslaps me.

for example: today i log on to facebook and glance over at the "highlights" column on the right side to see this sentiment "the ranger is now in a relationship with someone that is not me." (names have been changed, slightly).

BITCHSLAP.

yes, he's moving to germany. yes, he lives on the other side of the country. yes, i shouldn't care. but couldn't he have told me?

just one more reason for me to come to terms with the fact that i have now joined a dating site. yes. it's true. i said it. just give me a minute... i think i might pass out...

...

ok. i'm better now. i think. dammit facebook.

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homemade pizza and a beer...

alright, before i get into the emotional stuff, let's recap:

because i am a good friend (or at least i try to be) about a week and a half ago on thursday night i went out for dinner with some friends for veedub's birthday... and because everyone but the dr. and i went home right after dinner i felt obligated to head out with them for a birthday drink at our bar (partly because veedub joined me for my birthday and partly because i know what it's like to have a lame birthday). an you know what happens when i head to our bar...

i get ridiculous. then start dancing. and flirting. and just can't stop taking shots. (and eventually i take my pants off...)

and of course, all of my favorite peeps were there, jack sparrow, JD, and of course... charles ingalls (who i got a few kisses and a few drinks from, lol.) and of course they were all wondering where i'd been...

so i ended up staying out way to late and getting way to drunk... heehee. (but i did wait until i got home to take off my pants... this time.) which wouldn't have been bad except i still had to pack for my mini-holiday break and leave for the airport at 4:30 am!!!

i am a glutton for punishment. haha.

anyway... i made it (barely), passed out on the planes, and was completely exhausted, but too excited to see my sisters and present at the conference to let myself slow down. so i spent the first weekend at another conference... the last leg in my tour for february. and i have to say that it was absolutely amazing! my sisters are wonderful, my sessions went so great, and don't even get me started on the hotel. can anyone say polynesian getaway in the middle of winter??? we took to referring to it as TIKILAND. heehee. it was unforgettable. i managed to get second place in our annual euchre tourney for the second year in a row which was fun (but one of these years i am going to win!!!) and spend time with my favorite asians.

after the conference was over i headed even farther north into the upper midwest to enjoy a week of sleeping, eating, napping, drinking, watching movies, dozing off, and having fun away from work! i'm pretty sure that i slept all of monday and tuesday besides eating, sleeping, and a couple movies. after that i was up for some shopping, heading out to a basketball game, seeing some friends and family, drinks and bar darts (which i LOVE!), and an epic hockey game!

i stayed most of the week with one of my old pals, fresh. he now lives in an old farm house with 4 guys in a sort of hostel. there are guys coming and going, staying for a few days here and there, popping in for video games, beers, basketball. all in all, a scene i pretty much dig, EXCEPT: the ONE bathroom! it was awful! dirty, small, NO outlets! seriously... there were NO outlets! ladies, trust me when i tell you that i did my best to convince those fellas that if they ever hoped to have an ladies stay there on any sort of regular basis they needed to remedy that situation. and fast. lol.

oh and the hockey game... let's just say that it was preempted by me eating my weight in wings, it was dollar beer night at the arena, there were people kicked out in the first 3 minutes, i witnessed one of the best and bloodiest hockey fights ever, and i made new friends! heehee... and by friends i mean the guys in the 2 rows in front of us (we were in the third row behind the players box) that were amused by my amazing decibel level and clever antics when yelling at the players, coaches, refs, fans, whoever or whatever i could think of to yell at! what can i say... i'm loud. (did i ever tell you that i was once told to "QUIET DOWN" by a REF at a HOCKEY GAME? seriously. no joke. they skated over to the glass, pointed at me, and told me to "QUIET DOWN!" ahh, but i digress...) they were amused... the one fellas girlfriend, not so amused. but hey, she was lame and had no idea what was going on anyway. it was a blast and we kicked the other teams ass!

and so yeah... i also got to enjoy a really comfy hotel suite, a trip to a giant bass pro shop, yummy food at my favorite restaurants, snowstorms and -20 degree weather, and some great clearance shopping.

it was GREAT!

i was sad to have to come back to socal.

unfortunately, i have tons and tons of work that has been waiting for my return and i just can't seem to shake this melancholy mood that has taken over.

and i think i know what started it (its not all of it, but i think it is what started it).

#23.

originally, i planned on extending my conference trip so i could spend the rest of the week with #23. but since that fell apart i had to make other plans. and yes, it was great to have the time off and catch up with friends and family, in the back of my mind i knew i was supposed to be seeing #23. and i think that a part of me was hoping that i would get to see him. nothing serious. just something like dinner or drinks, a little catch up.

and it's not even that i was hoping he'd see me and realize he made a mistake. because i really don't think it's the right time for us... and timing is everything. it's that i was really hoping that we would be able to be friends.

we kind of skipped that part and if given the chance, i think we would make quite good friends. but unfortunately, it looks as though that isn't going to happen.

and i know, we live far apart, we have separate lives, we have plenty of other friends. i guess i just thought that there was enough between us that we would be good for each other.... as friends.

but alas, he doesn't return my calls, or my e-mails, or my texts. and that's that. so now what do i do? i need to stop thinking of him and just stop trying. so how do i do that when there are little things that make me think of him that only he would understand, or things that make me laugh that only he would laugh at with me, or things that happen that i only want to share with him? maybe i should cut him out, delete him from my facebook/myspace/phone, etc. ugh, i don't know.

what i do know is that it got me into a funk and now i can't stop thinking too much. thinking too much about what in the world is going on with the ranger. thinking too much about how much mr. west wants to come and see me. thinking too much about how it seems that fresh is looking at me as more than friends these days. thinking about what in the world i am going to do about the dr. thinking about whet i'm going to do and where in the world i am going to go and if i'm going to have to do it all alone.

and all i want is my happy, positive mood back. ugh...

oh and my boys were pissed that i was gone (again). and i can't blame them... but at least buddy has willie to hang out with (terrorize) when i'm gone now. the dr. played cat sitter for me again, which i appreciate beyond comprehension. and when i return sunday night they were surely not going to let me sleep... they wanted attention from mom and they were not going to have it any other way.

so much for catching up on my sleep... lol.

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the winds that blow remind me, of what has been, and what can never be...

i've been struggling while attempting to summarize this past weekend.

not sure of what to say or how to go about saying it. but i feel like no matter how it ends up coming out... i need to say something.

it all started friday... besides staying out way too late and drinking way too much on thursday night, i was doing rather well for being so excited (nervous) i couldn't sit still. i picked the ranger up at the airport (and even though it was pouring buckets and traffic was terrible, i was only 10 minutes late!) and he greated me with a rose and before he said he even said hello he asked...

"will you be my valentine?"

and that small exchange sets the example for exactly how the rest of the weekend works out. wonderful.

i will keep all the specific details to a minimum... they are still floating lazily through my thoughts, reminding me of all the special moments that we shared between us in the short time we had together. let's just say that there was lots of laughter, smiles, drinks, my first drunken trips to Denny's, entwined hands, stories, hugs, the rangers first visit to In-n-Out, jokes, sightseeing, mini golf, good food, more drinks, bowling alley karaoke, and kisses. we acted like tourists and long lost loves. we fell right back in to "comfortable" and it felt amazing.

and it was so completely unexplainable to be able to lay down next to someone that i love at the end of the day and have his arm around me as i fall asleep listening to his slow steady breathing like a lullaby.

and it started to hit me as we were laying in bed sunday night and he was telling me about how he gets depressed every time he has to leave someplace. and i told him that he couldn't feel that way yet... because we still had the night and the morning. but inside i completely agreed and my heart was already starting to ache.

i held in my emotions as i drove him back to the airport. i didn't let it hit me until i was on my way home. and again at work. and again on my dinner break. and again after my late meetings. and again as i was laying in bed...

alone.

we figured out that before new years it had been over 4 years since we had actually seen each other in person. it didn't feel that long. but thinking about going that long without seeing him again makes me ache. and knowing that he is only going to be in NC until the end of the year and then he is moving to Germany for what could be 2 years or more doesn't really make the future any brighter... or clearer.

and now i'm forced to face climbing into bed alone again tonight.

maybe i'll sleep on the couch...

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today...

today is monday.

today is rainy and grey.

today my thoughts are melancholy, lugubrious, and pensive.

today the ranger left for home.

today i struggle to keep my chin up... and my eyes dry.

today it is hard to be the positive, optimistic, strong person that i want to be.

image: people.always.leave. ~Lunati-que via www.deviantart.com

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for goodness sake i think i'm on the edge of something new with you...

alright... there has been a lot of things going on in my little corner of the world lately and i have been doing a bad job of keeping you updated. i will not apologize however... (apparently you shouldn't, lol. not that i don't regularly break most of these rules...) but alas, what can i say? i've been a busy bee. ;o)

here goes... besides working way too much (as in 12-15 hour days monday-friday and some weekend days/nights, besides being on-call, or 12-15 hour days monday-thursday and traveling/conferencing friday-sunday only to hit repeat...), i have been doing really great.

let us summarize with bullets:

• i love my sisters! LITP!
  
• i despise canceled flights (especially when you get re-routed to an entirely different destination and get seated in the center seat on a 5 hour flight and the women behind you pukes everywhere...)
• i love being busy... even though i love being lazy, too.
• i think my cats are actually dogs (more on that some other day...).
• i'm normally not optimistic, positive or strong. but i'm trying to be! (and thanks for all of the great words of encouragement... i appreciate them all more than you know).
  
• knee-high socks make me happy. i'm kinda obsessed...
  
• holiday filled weekends are fun (friday-the-13th, valentines day, president's day...)!
• i've made it to balitmore and newark on my conference tour so far... chicago and san francisco are yet to come...
• i love peanut butter.
• my blog isn't really funny (well, it is to me, i'm easily amused!)... but i think it serves a great purpose.
• my mom/sister make my blood pressure rise.
• i can't wait for friday at 3 pm!!!

and on that note... the important part of today's post: this weekend!!!

as you may recall, the ranger is flying across the country to spend the weekend with me and i couldn't be more excited! seriously!

we've known each other for about 8 years now (wow... it's been that long???) and we originally met in undergrad... i'll spare you the fraternity/sorority hijinks! lol. let's just say that i was completely enamored of him, but i wasn't really in the best place in my life at the time. the time we did spend together was wonderful... some of the best memories and most hilarious stories i have from undergrad involve the ranger! time passed, i graduated, i moved, he graduated, he moved, there were other gf's and bf's, there were more moves, and more moves... we would see each other every once in awhile when we were back in the ol' college town, and we somehow have always kept in touch (even if it meant weeks or months had gone by...).

and i've never completely let him go.

he is an amazing man (although he would never agree). he's brilliant and humble. gorgeous and down to earth. we have a lot in common and it's always been easy to be "comfortable" with him (not in a bad, way... in a really really good way. and he always makes me laugh- which is always a huge plus in my book!

anyway... we started talking again regularly this past fall (due to some random events... and proof that this is one small world that we live in!). we've been exchanging phone calls and the ever-so-popular digital communication... via myspace/facebook, etc. (although he doesn't have text messaging... which makes me CRAAAAZY!) we've always joked about when the other person was going to move closer, and we've always made comments about how no one is quite equal to who we each are. it's been casual, strictly friends. but he does have the unrivaled ability to call me at that exact moment when i need it the most, at those hopeless moments, at those lost moments. it's unexplainable and completely wonderful.

i was lucky enough to get to see him over new years... and it made my heart happy to know that i could be in the same room with him and still feel at ease, he could still make me laugh like no one else, that everything between us was still "easy", and that spark was still there (not to mention, the fact that i had a blast going out on the town with him and all of our friends, we had an epic time out-and-about in the ol' college town drinking, dancing, drinking, laughing, drinking, reminiscing, drinking, watching the ball drop in the -30 degree weather, drinking (for warmth!), and stumbling back to the hotel close to sunrise! and it sure didn't hurt that he made sure that whenever my hands were empty he had a drink waiting to replace it!!!)

and ever since... we've stayed in touch just that much more.

it was about 2 weeks ago when we were chatting on the phone and i was talking about how i wasn't going to get to see him again until may when i head over to NC for a wedding (which is going to be amazing btw!) and he made a comment about how far away that was. i told him that he should come out to SoCal and visit... he mentioned that maybe he should, he hasn't been out to CA since he was 5. of course he mentioned that he would but i am always traveling so i wouldn't be here anyway. i told him that wasn't true (well not entirely... lol!). so he mentioned that he did have a 4 day weekend coming up... over president's day. i exclaimed - that is the only weekend i will be in CA all month, you should totally come out and visit! ... and that is pretty much where the conversation ended.

until the next morning when i get a message that simply says: "what airport would i fly in to?"

i message him back, trying desperately to not get my hopes up... because i didn't want to get crushed again. that evening i get a phone call 'round about the time he would have been getting home from work...

"i'm buying a plane ticket, what time can you pick me up?"

so we chatted about flights, and risks involved with flying on friday-the-13th, and then he says, ok, talk to you later. and that was that! ;o)

and that leads me to now... i've been trying desperately to plan some fun things to do while he is here, but of course the weather is not cooperating!!! we have some fun plans for a night of drunken debauchery filled with spirited beverages and all of my favorite peeps tomorrow night and will probably end with me taking my pants off... again... BUT... it's valentine's day this weekend!!!

and so far he's referenced friday-the-13th and even president's day. but no mention of the day of hearts-n-flowers-n-chocolate-n-xoxo's!

so what do i do?!?!

do i acknowledge it? plan something? get him a present? get him a present but hide it and only reveal its existence if he acknowledges it first? pretend it doesn't exist? act like i don't know what day it is? ahhhh!

and it sure doesn't help when we are in some sort of pseudo "friends but past flames" state and this weekend feels somewhat like a "let's-see-how-this-goes-and-then-take-it-from-there" audition for the future. and this is the first time WE are going to be spending an extended period of time together, just US. and i'm SUPER nervous (but not necessarily in a bad way...).

oh geez. what have i gotten myself into. ;o)

just let me remind you... i did not pick the weekend. and yes... this is what has been on my mind today... so shoot me.

I AM SO EXCITED!!! (i can't stop smiling...)

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the times, they are a changin'...

it seems like it was just a few mondays ago that i was reveling in the fact that #23 was going to come to visit.

and look how that turned out.

but this monday, i am happy to quote bobby d. because "the times, they are a changin'!"

and i have lots of people to thank... right now, top of the list is the ranger. he's coming out here to visit me in less than 2 weeks and i couldn't be happier!

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cheers!...

it's been forever.

really. it has.

and i apologize. but once i fill you in, you will see that the wait was worth it... i swear.

after reading today's post "here we go again" on one of my favorite blogs surviving myself, i had to agree... but not completely.

normally, i would begrudgingly mutter "welcome to the beginning of the calendar year" to all who wished me a "happy 2009" the monday after the celebration of the new year, wallowing in despair and mourning the passing of another year. but this year is different... already.

it started deliciously and i'm determined to make sure it stays that way. i'm sick of being let down every time december 31 rolls around and i reminisce on the past year and realize that i am not where i want to be in my life, that i haven't accomplished enough, that my bank account doesn't have a high enough number, that my scale has too high of a number, and that i am once again ringing in the new year all alone.

for once i am happy.

and i couldn't have asked for any better new years eve kisses... (thanks to the ranger and #23)

here's to a year full of them!!! cheers 2009!

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mixed up thoughts and chocolate frosting...

sometimes
some things
happen,
...for some reason.

there are so many things going on inside my head. thoughts and feelings. judgments and unanswered questions. i'm struggling to actualize any of those things into coherent vocabulary. it's so frustrating. bear with me...

don't you think its strange sometimes when certain things happen at certain times? like when you are thinking about someone intently and you get a text from them in that exact moment... or when you are experiencing such dark depths of loneliness that you find yourself reaching for each next breath and you get a phone call from someone you love that you haven't talked to in a long time... or when you can't seem to find a smile to adorn your face hidden anywhere inside of you and a friend says exactly the right thing to you to make that smile appear out of nowhere...

sometimes timing is so strange and mysterious.

i often question the meaning of those things, that timing. it makes me think. a lot.

lately it seems that i have gotten myself into quite the fortuitously complicated situation. it also seems as though i am a glutton for punishment, i am extremely self-deprecating and i have unbelievable masochistic tendencies. this complicates things even further.

there is this fella that i can't get out of my mind... i care about him even though i shouldn't. i ache to be with him even though i shouldn't. i want him to reciprocate my feelings towards him... but i don't know if he does. i'm afraid to let him too close to me because he has the ability to hurt me so much. but i also want him to be close to me more than anything. no matter what happens, i want him to be happy... even at the expense of myself. i'm confused, scared, and i can't stop questioning everything. am i asking for heartache? am i knowingly walking into a situation in which i have no hope of exiting unscathed? am i willingly punishing myself?

or is it worth it?

to be continued...

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