wine and water...

i'm not a big fan of e-mail forwards (i'm sure ya'll understand when i already get around 200-300 e-mails a day for work), but i couldn't pass this one up (not sure where it originated though...). it made me giggle... heehee... enjoy!


"Wine and Water

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine (or beer, rum, tequila, vodka, whiskey... or other spirited beverage) ...and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia Coli, (aka. E. Coli - the bacteria found in feces).

In other words, we are consuming

1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when:
Drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey, vodka... or other spirited beverage), because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

So remember:

Water = Poop
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service."

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'cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life...

i'm going to preface my exciting news with a quick recap of my weekend... which was amazing. and unexpected.

when i was out of town last week the driver asked me if i wanted to join him at his house friday night so we could get up early and head to the beach. and because i've been looking for an opportunity to spend more time with him, not only because i adore him, but also because it seems as though every time we go out we are staying up till the wee hours, not getting any sleep, and dropping me off or picking me up at the airport. he then invited me to one of his friends birthday/graduation party at a club in downtown LA saturday night.

do you understand what that means? i spent the entire weekend with the driver.

i was super nervous. i was looking forward to spending more time with him, but a whole weekend? i was anxious about staying at his place, meeting his friends, what to wear to the club, him getting sick of me over the course of 2 1/2 days... lol. basically i worked myself up quite a bit.

but it was amazing. really.

i headed out to his place late friday night where we preceded to make a grocery run for our beach trip. we woke up early saturday morning and headed straight to the beach so as not to miss out on the good waves. i spent the morning reading vonnegut on the beach while the driver caught some waves with his friends. we spent the afternoon picnicking and soaking up the rays. then we were headed to downtown LA to check-in to our hotel, get dinner, have a few drinks and get ready for the evening.

we eventually headed out to the club. and what i finally decided on wearing worked out perfect... long, perfectly fitted black pinstripe pants (i'm talking they really emphasized my curves... and ya'll know i have some curves! we will get to that later...), my kenneth cole heels, and a sheer cap-sleeve black turtleneck. yea, i wore a lot of black, but debra messing says that red-heads look good in black and who am i to disagree with that. heehee.

upon arriving at the club i realized two very interesting things. 1) this was apparently a lock & key party. and until this time i didn't really think this happened in real life, not too mention i was there on a date... can you say "awkward"? 2) i was the only white person in the bar. now i don't have a problem with this, not that it has ever happened to me before - the northern midwest isn't really the most diverse place, let alone filled with many "clubs." lol. it was just new for me. the driver was actually pretty impressed with how little it phased me, i think it bothered him more that every time he walked away from me there was a fella standing next to me trying to fit his key in my lock or commenting on how fine my ass is, especially for a white girl. lol. it got to the point where he just said to me "for all intensive purposes, tonight you are my girlfriend." so we spend the rest of the evening dancing and laughing.

until we got back to the hotel.

which leads me to my exciting news (oh yeah, we slept in sunday morning, ate dim sum in chinatown for lunch, and spent the afternoon talking and laughing... then i headed home where i decided to have a bit too much fun for a sunday night... i'll get to that later...).

i was offered a job back in the midwest! a good job. a great opportunity. in a great place.

approximately 2,400 miles from here.

and i couldn't be more excited and nervous and sad at the same time if i tried.

excited because i'll be moving back to the midwest... where i really feel like i fit, into a job with a lot of promise and opportunity. but i'll be leaving my job here... and yes, i won't have to deal with the ridiculousness, the politics, the never-ending hours, the madness. but i will also be leaving my students, my hard work, my new leaders, and i know that they still have work to do. and i know they can do it... i just hope that they keep up the hard work and the amazing progress even after i leave. i know all of their success isn't just because of me, but i just know that they are capable of great things, and i need to know there will be someone there to push them...

oh so bittersweet.

and i just met the driver. and not only to i adore him, but i have so much fun with him, i like to make him laugh, because we have these little things between us that mean so much... oh and he's gorgeous.

after getting back to the hotel saturday night... he made a comment to me while we were drunkenly discussing our "situation" (not the best time to discuss these kinds of things, i know) that really pulled my heart strings... "i want to hate you. i want to be angry with you. ... but i can't."

and he has a right to feel that way... but he's so understanding. he knows that this is a great opportunity that i can't pass up... but that leaves so little time for us. and he told me how much he enjoyed that he could be himself with me, that he likes that i accept and adore him for who he is.

so do we spend the next month enjoying each other's company? or do we stop now before we get in deeper and then i have to leave?

damn.

i'm supposed to be elated right now and all i can dwell on is leaving my students and not being able to see the driver anymore. oh, new adventures and the struggles involved...

so what do i do? i spend sunday night trying to forget my problems and get wasted with Charles Ingalls and the crew. lots of fun, no sleep, and i sure didn't think about anything of substance. oh the pun's i didn't intend... hahahaha!!!

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2.0 hours of sleep, v.6...

i drowned my sorrows in liquor last night... and then bawled my eyes out.

it was fun (in a real - i'm pathetic and even alcohol can't cure these blues - kinda way).

and now i am randomly driving to AZ to see mr. west.

yes, the same mr. west that may or may not have sent me a ring* in the mail.



* yes, THAT type of ring.

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adventures in VEGAS, march madness style...

"Las Vegas looks the way you'd imagine heaven must look at night."
~ chuck palahniuk


it's been awhile. i know.

between getting ready to leave for VEGAS last week and recovering/catching up from being in VEGAS this week, i've been busy. to say the least.

i promise i will update soon... until then, highlights from VEGAS:

• meeting Flava Flav
• watching copious amounts of basketball
• the M&M store
• cabana day (which involved 3 fifths of jager - straight from the bottle, endless bloody marys, and glasses and glasses of marshmallow & cokes - i'll explain that later...)
• hanging out in the boston cabana, the socal cabana, and the texas cabana
• getting invited to Flava Flavs birthday party
• the best limo ride EVER!
• watching some teams LOSE
• dancing, dancing, and more dancing... and then more dancing! (what can i say, i love shaking my ass!)
  
• making out with hot texas tommy!!!
• drinking for 15 hours straight - and i mean DRINKING!
  
• meeting some amazing people
• getting to experience VEGAS nightlife (and not so nightlife) for the first time!!!
  

and a few lowlights:

• those last 6 shots of absolut citron (probably could have lived without those...)
• losing texas tommy in the elevator
• my bestie getting mad because i ditched dinner one night (hey, i'm not a lawyer, attorney or doctor like most of the rest of the crew - i work in education, i couldn't afford ANYTHING on the menu, and i don't take well to charity, so sue me)
• watching some of MY teams losing
  
• being awake and drunk for 3 days straight hurts the next day...

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proposition 3-17...

this march 17th, help make st. patricks day and official holiday...
unite with guinness and sign the petition!

and in honor of "hug your favorite red head day",i mean, st. patrick's day, here is my recipe for the best irish car bomb you could ever ask for... (play close attention to the ingredients, they are specific for a reason, make your car bomb legit people!)

ingredients:
3/4 pint Guinness® stout
1/2 shot Bailey's® Irish cream
1/2 shot Jameson® Irish whiskey

directions:
add the Bailey's and Jameson to a shot glass, layering the Bailey's on the bottom.
pour the Guinness into a pint glass 3/4 of the way full and let settle.
drop the shot glass into the Guinness and chug.

enjoy!

NOTE: if you don't drink it fast enough it will curdle!


happy st. patrick's day!
now go eat some lucky charms, drink a green beer, and hug your favorite red head!

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beer pong anyone...?

now i am not the biggest fan of beer pong. don't judge me. i am a very big proponent of flip-cup, drinking jenga, and games like sevens and king's cup.

beer pong... eh, it's alright.

now due to the fact that i work in higher education, these are the types of things that i have to be concerned about:

Beer Pong spreads Herpes
Beer Pong spreads herpes, mono, flu
Beer Pong Herpes Outbreak

luckily those claims were not confirmed by the Center for Disease Control, like they said they were... phew...

'Beer pong,' oral herpes stroy discredited

BUT... that doesn't mean they don't have some validity.

oh the joys of my job are endless.

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brought to you by the letter B...

i've seen a number of my fave bloggers doing this rad post where you're given a letter and you have to pick your top ten favorite things that start with said letter. well, Rose over at Delightfully Inappropriate was sweet enough to assign me with the letter:
1. books - i absolutely love to read. i go through books like water and i can usually read most books more than once (as long as i don't hate it). i'll read almost everything at least once though, classics, chick-lit, everything. i enjoy books like the outsiders and the bell jar, slaughterhouse five and harry potter. and yes i have read all of the twilight books, lol. i adore children's books like the bridge to teribithia and all of the narnia books. i really like horror and suspense like dean koontz and chuck palahniuk. but my all time favorite is stephen king. i firmly believe that he is somewhat of a god. i've read all of his books/stories at least twice, some up around 10-12 times. i've even been to his house... but i swear it wasn't in a super-stalker kinda way. i swear! lol.

2. beer - especially beer from the Jacob Leinenkugel Brewing Company, which is the 7th oldest brewery in the nation and resides in Chippewa Falls, WI, and is in my opinion... the best brewery in the world! my faves are leinie's sunset wheat (mmm, my fave beer! i'm so glad that added this seasonal beer to their year-round brews) and leinie's fireside nut brown (which goes really well with chocolate cake... no joke, lol! but watch out, it's seasonal!)

3. bees (honey bees to be exact) - because they are absolutely fascinating and the way they live their life intrigues me. enough so that i have a honey bee that i drew tattooed on the inside of my left wrist. (oh and if you have never read "the secret life of bees", you should.)

4. baking - because baking is one of my hobbies! not too mention i enjoy eating the finished products!!! and one day i aspire to be as great as my idol over at Bakerella... and just fyi... that is not a pic of a box of candy... that is CAKE!

5. beaches - because i could lay on the beach and people watch and/or read for hours and hours and hours all the while collecting more and more freckles... i love the sound of the waves, the feel of the sand and who doesn't love a good beach sunset???

this is a pic from our little cabins on the beach in jamaica during the spring break service trip i led in 2007...

6. blizzards - just because i really am a midwest girl at heart. i don't mind the snow (which is strange because i hate being cold... but i like being warmed up!). although for some reason every time i travel back to the midwest (or anywhere that gets snow for that matter) i seem to bring torrential blizzard like conditions... i'm talking 28" of snow in one night people! and the latest... snow/sleet thunderstorms in february! i think one of my all-time favorite daydreams involves a cabin in the mountains, a really big fireplace, a hot tub on the deck and tons and tons of snow outside... with those big huge ol' fluffy flakes falling lazily from the sky...

7. buttons - i found my love for buttons when i was growing up... it might be because i am a child of the 80's, who knows. what i do know is that i still have a love for the buttons! who didn't have a jean jacket or a backpack or purse covered with buttons?!?! i know i still do! and thanks to facebook flair i get to enjoy the digital version as well...
8. blogs - i still consider myself a newbie when it comes to blogging and i'm not quite sure that i've found my niche yet, i'm not the funniest blogger, the best writer, or even able to stay on topic for an entire post... but what i do know is that blogging has really helped me find a place to "think out loud", be myself without risking anyone in my "real" life judging me, and make some very wonderful, interesting, hilarious new friends. so to that i say... thank you!
9. bubbles - and/or most any bath & body product. i'm somewhat addicted. actually, no, strike that. i AM addicted. you should see the shelves in my shower, my bathroom cabinets and counter, the shelf in my bedroom... ok, ok, you get the picture. but really, there are many worse things i could be addicted to than personal hygiene products that make me smell like a freshly baked cookie or a bouquet of sweet peas, right? i simply adore shower gel, body wash, body lotion, body spray, body butter, bubble bath, creams, sprays, butters, lotions, potions... you name it. my current faves are warm vanilla sugar and midnight pomegranate from B&BW. the odd thing... i'm don't like citrus smells. that's for washing dishes. lol. but i do love bubbles. there is just something absolutely wonderful about being covered in millions of bubbles...

10. nick barnett - nick barnett is one of the NFL's best middle linebackers and in my opinion, not only the greatest, but also the sexiest! he plays arguably the most challenging position on defense and excels remarkably. he has been a starting player since he was drafted from oregon by the packers in 2003. he has led the team in tackles, been defensive team captain, played with a club on his arm for half a season, and been actively involved in the community as well as his hobbies in music/producing. and of course... he is a green bay packer!!! the best team EVER!!!

and that is my list of B's! hope you enjoyed!

feel free to leave me a comment if you want a letter of your very own!!!

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homemade pizza and a beer...

alright, before i get into the emotional stuff, let's recap:

because i am a good friend (or at least i try to be) about a week and a half ago on thursday night i went out for dinner with some friends for veedub's birthday... and because everyone but the dr. and i went home right after dinner i felt obligated to head out with them for a birthday drink at our bar (partly because veedub joined me for my birthday and partly because i know what it's like to have a lame birthday). an you know what happens when i head to our bar...

i get ridiculous. then start dancing. and flirting. and just can't stop taking shots. (and eventually i take my pants off...)

and of course, all of my favorite peeps were there, jack sparrow, JD, and of course... charles ingalls (who i got a few kisses and a few drinks from, lol.) and of course they were all wondering where i'd been...

so i ended up staying out way to late and getting way to drunk... heehee. (but i did wait until i got home to take off my pants... this time.) which wouldn't have been bad except i still had to pack for my mini-holiday break and leave for the airport at 4:30 am!!!

i am a glutton for punishment. haha.

anyway... i made it (barely), passed out on the planes, and was completely exhausted, but too excited to see my sisters and present at the conference to let myself slow down. so i spent the first weekend at another conference... the last leg in my tour for february. and i have to say that it was absolutely amazing! my sisters are wonderful, my sessions went so great, and don't even get me started on the hotel. can anyone say polynesian getaway in the middle of winter??? we took to referring to it as TIKILAND. heehee. it was unforgettable. i managed to get second place in our annual euchre tourney for the second year in a row which was fun (but one of these years i am going to win!!!) and spend time with my favorite asians.

after the conference was over i headed even farther north into the upper midwest to enjoy a week of sleeping, eating, napping, drinking, watching movies, dozing off, and having fun away from work! i'm pretty sure that i slept all of monday and tuesday besides eating, sleeping, and a couple movies. after that i was up for some shopping, heading out to a basketball game, seeing some friends and family, drinks and bar darts (which i LOVE!), and an epic hockey game!

i stayed most of the week with one of my old pals, fresh. he now lives in an old farm house with 4 guys in a sort of hostel. there are guys coming and going, staying for a few days here and there, popping in for video games, beers, basketball. all in all, a scene i pretty much dig, EXCEPT: the ONE bathroom! it was awful! dirty, small, NO outlets! seriously... there were NO outlets! ladies, trust me when i tell you that i did my best to convince those fellas that if they ever hoped to have an ladies stay there on any sort of regular basis they needed to remedy that situation. and fast. lol.

oh and the hockey game... let's just say that it was preempted by me eating my weight in wings, it was dollar beer night at the arena, there were people kicked out in the first 3 minutes, i witnessed one of the best and bloodiest hockey fights ever, and i made new friends! heehee... and by friends i mean the guys in the 2 rows in front of us (we were in the third row behind the players box) that were amused by my amazing decibel level and clever antics when yelling at the players, coaches, refs, fans, whoever or whatever i could think of to yell at! what can i say... i'm loud. (did i ever tell you that i was once told to "QUIET DOWN" by a REF at a HOCKEY GAME? seriously. no joke. they skated over to the glass, pointed at me, and told me to "QUIET DOWN!" ahh, but i digress...) they were amused... the one fellas girlfriend, not so amused. but hey, she was lame and had no idea what was going on anyway. it was a blast and we kicked the other teams ass!

and so yeah... i also got to enjoy a really comfy hotel suite, a trip to a giant bass pro shop, yummy food at my favorite restaurants, snowstorms and -20 degree weather, and some great clearance shopping.

it was GREAT!

i was sad to have to come back to socal.

unfortunately, i have tons and tons of work that has been waiting for my return and i just can't seem to shake this melancholy mood that has taken over.

and i think i know what started it (its not all of it, but i think it is what started it).

#23.

originally, i planned on extending my conference trip so i could spend the rest of the week with #23. but since that fell apart i had to make other plans. and yes, it was great to have the time off and catch up with friends and family, in the back of my mind i knew i was supposed to be seeing #23. and i think that a part of me was hoping that i would get to see him. nothing serious. just something like dinner or drinks, a little catch up.

and it's not even that i was hoping he'd see me and realize he made a mistake. because i really don't think it's the right time for us... and timing is everything. it's that i was really hoping that we would be able to be friends.

we kind of skipped that part and if given the chance, i think we would make quite good friends. but unfortunately, it looks as though that isn't going to happen.

and i know, we live far apart, we have separate lives, we have plenty of other friends. i guess i just thought that there was enough between us that we would be good for each other.... as friends.

but alas, he doesn't return my calls, or my e-mails, or my texts. and that's that. so now what do i do? i need to stop thinking of him and just stop trying. so how do i do that when there are little things that make me think of him that only he would understand, or things that make me laugh that only he would laugh at with me, or things that happen that i only want to share with him? maybe i should cut him out, delete him from my facebook/myspace/phone, etc. ugh, i don't know.

what i do know is that it got me into a funk and now i can't stop thinking too much. thinking too much about what in the world is going on with the ranger. thinking too much about how much mr. west wants to come and see me. thinking too much about how it seems that fresh is looking at me as more than friends these days. thinking about what in the world i am going to do about the dr. thinking about whet i'm going to do and where in the world i am going to go and if i'm going to have to do it all alone.

and all i want is my happy, positive mood back. ugh...

oh and my boys were pissed that i was gone (again). and i can't blame them... but at least buddy has willie to hang out with (terrorize) when i'm gone now. the dr. played cat sitter for me again, which i appreciate beyond comprehension. and when i return sunday night they were surely not going to let me sleep... they wanted attention from mom and they were not going to have it any other way.

so much for catching up on my sleep... lol.

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the winds that blow remind me, of what has been, and what can never be...

i've been struggling while attempting to summarize this past weekend.

not sure of what to say or how to go about saying it. but i feel like no matter how it ends up coming out... i need to say something.

it all started friday... besides staying out way too late and drinking way too much on thursday night, i was doing rather well for being so excited (nervous) i couldn't sit still. i picked the ranger up at the airport (and even though it was pouring buckets and traffic was terrible, i was only 10 minutes late!) and he greated me with a rose and before he said he even said hello he asked...

"will you be my valentine?"

and that small exchange sets the example for exactly how the rest of the weekend works out. wonderful.

i will keep all the specific details to a minimum... they are still floating lazily through my thoughts, reminding me of all the special moments that we shared between us in the short time we had together. let's just say that there was lots of laughter, smiles, drinks, my first drunken trips to Denny's, entwined hands, stories, hugs, the rangers first visit to In-n-Out, jokes, sightseeing, mini golf, good food, more drinks, bowling alley karaoke, and kisses. we acted like tourists and long lost loves. we fell right back in to "comfortable" and it felt amazing.

and it was so completely unexplainable to be able to lay down next to someone that i love at the end of the day and have his arm around me as i fall asleep listening to his slow steady breathing like a lullaby.

and it started to hit me as we were laying in bed sunday night and he was telling me about how he gets depressed every time he has to leave someplace. and i told him that he couldn't feel that way yet... because we still had the night and the morning. but inside i completely agreed and my heart was already starting to ache.

i held in my emotions as i drove him back to the airport. i didn't let it hit me until i was on my way home. and again at work. and again on my dinner break. and again after my late meetings. and again as i was laying in bed...

alone.

we figured out that before new years it had been over 4 years since we had actually seen each other in person. it didn't feel that long. but thinking about going that long without seeing him again makes me ache. and knowing that he is only going to be in NC until the end of the year and then he is moving to Germany for what could be 2 years or more doesn't really make the future any brighter... or clearer.

and now i'm forced to face climbing into bed alone again tonight.

maybe i'll sleep on the couch...

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for goodness sake i think i'm on the edge of something new with you...

alright... there has been a lot of things going on in my little corner of the world lately and i have been doing a bad job of keeping you updated. i will not apologize however... (apparently you shouldn't, lol. not that i don't regularly break most of these rules...) but alas, what can i say? i've been a busy bee. ;o)

here goes... besides working way too much (as in 12-15 hour days monday-friday and some weekend days/nights, besides being on-call, or 12-15 hour days monday-thursday and traveling/conferencing friday-sunday only to hit repeat...), i have been doing really great.

let us summarize with bullets:

• i love my sisters! LITP!
  
• i despise canceled flights (especially when you get re-routed to an entirely different destination and get seated in the center seat on a 5 hour flight and the women behind you pukes everywhere...)
• i love being busy... even though i love being lazy, too.
• i think my cats are actually dogs (more on that some other day...).
• i'm normally not optimistic, positive or strong. but i'm trying to be! (and thanks for all of the great words of encouragement... i appreciate them all more than you know).
  
• knee-high socks make me happy. i'm kinda obsessed...
  
• holiday filled weekends are fun (friday-the-13th, valentines day, president's day...)!
• i've made it to balitmore and newark on my conference tour so far... chicago and san francisco are yet to come...
• i love peanut butter.
• my blog isn't really funny (well, it is to me, i'm easily amused!)... but i think it serves a great purpose.
• my mom/sister make my blood pressure rise.
• i can't wait for friday at 3 pm!!!

and on that note... the important part of today's post: this weekend!!!

as you may recall, the ranger is flying across the country to spend the weekend with me and i couldn't be more excited! seriously!

we've known each other for about 8 years now (wow... it's been that long???) and we originally met in undergrad... i'll spare you the fraternity/sorority hijinks! lol. let's just say that i was completely enamored of him, but i wasn't really in the best place in my life at the time. the time we did spend together was wonderful... some of the best memories and most hilarious stories i have from undergrad involve the ranger! time passed, i graduated, i moved, he graduated, he moved, there were other gf's and bf's, there were more moves, and more moves... we would see each other every once in awhile when we were back in the ol' college town, and we somehow have always kept in touch (even if it meant weeks or months had gone by...).

and i've never completely let him go.

he is an amazing man (although he would never agree). he's brilliant and humble. gorgeous and down to earth. we have a lot in common and it's always been easy to be "comfortable" with him (not in a bad, way... in a really really good way. and he always makes me laugh- which is always a huge plus in my book!

anyway... we started talking again regularly this past fall (due to some random events... and proof that this is one small world that we live in!). we've been exchanging phone calls and the ever-so-popular digital communication... via myspace/facebook, etc. (although he doesn't have text messaging... which makes me CRAAAAZY!) we've always joked about when the other person was going to move closer, and we've always made comments about how no one is quite equal to who we each are. it's been casual, strictly friends. but he does have the unrivaled ability to call me at that exact moment when i need it the most, at those hopeless moments, at those lost moments. it's unexplainable and completely wonderful.

i was lucky enough to get to see him over new years... and it made my heart happy to know that i could be in the same room with him and still feel at ease, he could still make me laugh like no one else, that everything between us was still "easy", and that spark was still there (not to mention, the fact that i had a blast going out on the town with him and all of our friends, we had an epic time out-and-about in the ol' college town drinking, dancing, drinking, laughing, drinking, reminiscing, drinking, watching the ball drop in the -30 degree weather, drinking (for warmth!), and stumbling back to the hotel close to sunrise! and it sure didn't hurt that he made sure that whenever my hands were empty he had a drink waiting to replace it!!!)

and ever since... we've stayed in touch just that much more.

it was about 2 weeks ago when we were chatting on the phone and i was talking about how i wasn't going to get to see him again until may when i head over to NC for a wedding (which is going to be amazing btw!) and he made a comment about how far away that was. i told him that he should come out to SoCal and visit... he mentioned that maybe he should, he hasn't been out to CA since he was 5. of course he mentioned that he would but i am always traveling so i wouldn't be here anyway. i told him that wasn't true (well not entirely... lol!). so he mentioned that he did have a 4 day weekend coming up... over president's day. i exclaimed - that is the only weekend i will be in CA all month, you should totally come out and visit! ... and that is pretty much where the conversation ended.

until the next morning when i get a message that simply says: "what airport would i fly in to?"

i message him back, trying desperately to not get my hopes up... because i didn't want to get crushed again. that evening i get a phone call 'round about the time he would have been getting home from work...

"i'm buying a plane ticket, what time can you pick me up?"

so we chatted about flights, and risks involved with flying on friday-the-13th, and then he says, ok, talk to you later. and that was that! ;o)

and that leads me to now... i've been trying desperately to plan some fun things to do while he is here, but of course the weather is not cooperating!!! we have some fun plans for a night of drunken debauchery filled with spirited beverages and all of my favorite peeps tomorrow night and will probably end with me taking my pants off... again... BUT... it's valentine's day this weekend!!!

and so far he's referenced friday-the-13th and even president's day. but no mention of the day of hearts-n-flowers-n-chocolate-n-xoxo's!

so what do i do?!?!

do i acknowledge it? plan something? get him a present? get him a present but hide it and only reveal its existence if he acknowledges it first? pretend it doesn't exist? act like i don't know what day it is? ahhhh!

and it sure doesn't help when we are in some sort of pseudo "friends but past flames" state and this weekend feels somewhat like a "let's-see-how-this-goes-and-then-take-it-from-there" audition for the future. and this is the first time WE are going to be spending an extended period of time together, just US. and i'm SUPER nervous (but not necessarily in a bad way...).

oh geez. what have i gotten myself into. ;o)

just let me remind you... i did not pick the weekend. and yes... this is what has been on my mind today... so shoot me.

I AM SO EXCITED!!! (i can't stop smiling...)

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i am so lucky...

baltimore was amazing.

my sisters are amazing.

my weekend was amazing.

travel, sisters, leadership, learning, fun, food, spirited beverages, affirmation, laughs, inside jokes, bonding, growing, crying, support, companionship, values, strangers, story time, beyonce, yelling, no sleep, pictures, asians, renewal, growth, quotes, development, time zones, text messages, good times, memories, lifelong bonds...

and remembering that there are people out there that love me, value me, and appreciate me... and always will... just the way that i am.

thank you.

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2.0 hours of sleep, v.5

just in case there are any readers out there that are wondering... yes, #23 was supposed to get here yesterday. and no, #23 did not get here yesterday. it's a long, painful, confusing, draining story... so i will spare you the details. i will say this: if i can't trust myself, who can i trust? if i have to doubt myself, how can i not doubt others?

i've spent the last week in a state of utter despair/confusion/fear/nausea and it's really been tearing me apart. so i made a resolution yesterday.

let me preface this a little bit: there is only so much i can do... i can tell him how i feel, i can tell him what i want, i can treat him exactly how i feel he deserves to be treated, i can care about him, and after that... it's out of my hands. and while it sucks to not have any control over the situation, i don't want to force someone to be with me, i don't want to push someone into something they aren't ready for, and ultimately, i don't want to get hurt or be a rebound. not again, not now, not anymore. but this is what it is. and i honestly believe that this is worth it (good god i hope i am not wrong on this one, too...).

and with that, my resolution:

i have to live my life. and i can't let this situation completely take over and consume me. and while this weekend is going to be tough... i have to live my life.

so... with that said, the long weekend that i had planned with #23 (yes, the entire wknd was planned, every event, every meal, everything...) needs to not be spent in complete and utter despair. so what does that mean... you so thoughtfully ask???

i'm filling my days and nights with people, fun, and the ever so popular spirited beverage. starting with last night.

i got some peeps together, including a new fella, L, Ash, among others and had an amazing dinner followed by drinks at my bar where there where many crazy antics and tons of my faves, jack sparrow, brit, JD, charles ingalls, among others. we made random friends, sang inappropriately loud to "black velvet", drank way too many random shots, had a very intense and entertaining discussion about vibrators, laughed way too hard, got propositioned by a helicopter pilot-dirtbike racing-hot tub owner, and generally had an amazing evening. and i have to be proud that every time i go out with L and Ash i manage to get them so schwasted that they don't know which way is up... even after proclaiming they were going to "take it easy" and "be the sober driver." bah! ridiculous!

so even though jack sparrow kissed the random girls (including the orange-haired shellacked-face diva wanna-be), j-rod couldn't take shots with us, i kept my pants on, and D made Ash cry... it was a successful evening. especially since once again, when everyone was kicked out... i wasn't. and since i managed to stay out till the wee hours of the morn', not get any sleep once again, and still be up and ready for work at 9 am this morning (and yes... i'm still at work, and will be until about 11:30 pm - though i did get to have lunch with some of my favorite ladies and dinner with one super sweet hunk!) i pronounce myself AMAZING. let it be known.

and so after i am done with work tonight... let the festivities of the lost weekend continue!!!!!!!

watch out...

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2.NO hours of sleep v.4...

due to the fact that i have gotten approximately 11 hours of sleep since thursday... and not just because i have been having trouble sleeping (which i have been) but also due to my own antics, as mentioned here, this post should have been written yesterday...

but here goes nothing...

after having a late night thursday and a rough morning on friday, not to mention a very long, busy day on friday, when i finally left work friday night i was ready to tear up the town. unfortunately the dr. had to work til midnight so i went home and got ready, danced around to T.I., and then headed out to meet VW and wait (im)patiently for the dr. to meet up with us. of course VW ends up being late, and i ended up sitting there alone - which i dreaded was an omen for lousy night. luckily all of my faves were present and they did an amazing job keeping my entertained. you know you have a problem when you consider the majority of people that work at the bar to be your friends (example - after having traveled over the holidays, and then being sick, when i showed up at the bar on thursday night i was greeted with hugs and exclamations of joy by all of the bar staff!!! not too mention my drink of choice was waiting for me on the bar before i could even sit down... yay!)... but i love it.

i managed to drink my weight in hard alcohol and flit between the dr., VW, my bar faves - jack sparrow, the brit, JD, my lovely, and charles ingalls, etc... not to mention the line to the bathroom all evening. it was epic... as i had predicted. the night was seemingly going to come to a close with a late night food run until for some reason when elvis (the creepy bouncer) kicked everyone out, he let me stay, i made the unintelligent decision that it would be a great idea to stay with the bar staff and keep dancing and drinking until the wee hours of the morn'.

ummm... not the smarted idea ever. i woke up the next morning sleeping in charles ingalls bed next to my lovely, with JD sleeping on the floor and charles ingalls asleep in the chair at approximately 8:15 am. (all the while, the dr. is pissed at me for ditching him, which was never my intention. what can i say, i'm an insensitive idiot when i'm wasted and all i want to do is take shots and shake my ass) keeping in mind that we didn't even leave the bar until well after 4...

i then had to find my pants (yes, i take my pants off when i'm drunk), speed walk back to my car which luckily wasn't that far away, make it home so i could change and grab my stuff before heading the work retreat i was presenting 8 sessions at all day...

ohmygosh. i am a masochist. seriously.

i managed to make it through the day quite successfully and then around 8:30 pm i ran home, took a quick shower and headed back to work for one of our late night events in which i had to be present from 9:30 pm - 2 am... lets just say i was so exhausted it was painful. these late night events tend to be either extremely boring, or ridiculously crazy. this one was of course - boring. therefore ended up feeling like an awkward 4 hour-long date with the 18 year old that was also there... unfortunate. really.

the worst part? i was so tired when i finally made it home that i couldn't sleep!

which brings me to today... exhausted.

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detox just to retox...

let the festivities begin...

after ANOTHER 12 hour work day this week, tonight's consumption of spirited beverages will be epic, because tomorrow is a 15 hour work day (yes, you read that right, 15 hours... on a saturday...)

epic. seriously epic.

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2.NO hours of sleep v.3...

actually... scratch that. make v.3 0.NO hours of sleep...

and it hurts. but once again... so worth it.

deciding to head out after 11:30 pm when i was already in my pj's in bed reading and ready to get up at 4 am to finish packing was probably not my smartest decision ever, but... i only live once. and i had so much fun with the "charles ingalls" and the guys.

hmmmm...

so now... i'm actually sitting in the airport in Denver enjoying the access to free wifi (how much does that rock?!) thinking about how much sleep i can fit into my multiple plane rides without being completely a zombie for the car ride home with my sister... not that i will be. i know when i see her and my nephew that i am going to freak out!

i am so excited to be headed home to WI/MI for thanksgiving, it's pretty much ridiculous.

seriously. ;o)

i'll be sure to keep you posted when i make it to a computer...

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2.NO hours of sleep v.2...

i did it again. and i am once again... exhausted. with no regrets.

new friends are good and "charles ingalls" makes me think. he makes everything seem surreal.

he's brilliant, and confusing, and underrated, and wonderful, and surprising, and kind, and beautiful, and a mystery.

he needs a friend and i think i'm hooked...

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2.NO hours of sleep...

what am i thinking???

oh how surreal is "charles ingalls"??? the way his laugh makes me want to hug him. the way he gets that sparkle in his eyes when he looks at me. the way he tilts his head when he wants an answer from me. the way he always surprises me with the things that he says. the way its unbelievable that he even gives me the time of day. the way i feel when i catch his eye through a crowd of people. the way that he looks away when i want an answer from him. the way that i am so exhausted i can't think...

i'm being so incredibly stupid...

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