today is...

LA Day!!! and i couldn't be more excited.

(and no, that is not an official day) LA Day is this super fun and exciting day that me and 3 of my girlfriends have planned out for weeks. we are heading into LA and we are going to be complete tourists! it is going to be amazing...

here is a list of some of the things we have planned:

• pinks! (you have no idea how excited i am for this... yum yum yum!!!)
• johnny cupcakes (no, it's not a cupcake shop)
• beverly hills
• sprinkles (yes, this one actually is a cupcake shop... and i've never ever been!)
• the farmer's market
• hollywood
• ... and a whole bunch of other things, places, and sights that i can't even remember right now!!!

this is just what i need to cheer me up. i'll tell you all about it when i get back! :o) and if you have any suggestions of things i need to do before i leave CA... let me know!!!

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i apologize in advance...

yes, i know i'm not supposed to apologize for myself in my blogs. or complain too much or make my posts too long, but fuck it. this is my blog and i'll do what i want.

and i'm all fucking riled up tonight. because if i'm not riled up i'm bawling my eyes out.

i have been off and on all fucking day.

i just never ever thought that i'd be upset about leaving. my only thoughts were how many happy dances i would be doing. i certainly didn't think i'd be this. fucking. upset.

damn i'm swearing like a drunken sailor this evening.

i can't even get my thoughts out right now. i can't make them make sense. i want to get them out. i need to. and i just can't seem to do it. argh. one minute i'm fine... the next i'm hysterical.

this is just so unexpected. i moved out here and i had a rough time. i didn't realize that it would be so hard for me to be so far away from my family. especially since i have such a rough relationship with my mom and sister. but it was everything that i missed... the big family get-togethers, the ability to drive home whenever i needed to, the midwest, the nice people, the seasons, everything that was familiar to me...

and my job was so rough at first. it is such a tough position and it was one hell of a rocky road... but i am a fighter. i don't give up easy. and i have a midwest work ethic dammit!

at first all i wanted to do was leave... but i just couldn't. i knew that eventually i had to move on, move up, move back... for my health, my sanity, i was being realistic.

but in the meantime... i got attached.

i have seen my students come so far. i ahve seen them grow. i have seen them fight me, push back on everything i tried to do, battle every single change. and then i watched them accept me, open up to me, and trust me. i have seen them make huge leaps and strides. i have seen them step on the path to greatness. followers have become leaders. angry, frustrated kids have become passionate, driven adults. and i am so protective of them. i want the best for them. i don't want them to take a step back. i want them to continue on this path to greatness.

i can't even describe it. i guess i feel like they are all my kids and it is my job to take care of them. and yes, i know i can't take care of them forever, but i'm just not ready to let go yet. i want to be sure that they are ready. i want to protect them from everything. i want to be there to fight for them. and i know i can't be there for them forever...

i just can't believe i'm fucking feeling this way.

i don't like it out here. i want to live in the midwest. i have a great new job.

but the thought of leaving my students is just tearing me apart. it hurts physically. i have myself so worked up.

is the next "me" going to take care of them? lead them down the right path? understand the unique system they have? work with them for 15 hours a day because they love them so so much? fight for them because they have their best interest at heart? be at all of their events just to show them how much they care about them? be patient and understanding but firm? have their office open to them all day and all night just to talk things out - good and bad? support them and believe in them?

and the worst damn part... i have no one to talk to.

no one.

all of my "close" friends here have moved on. and my friends back home just don't understand. my family never went to college let alone understand what i do... they didn't want me to move out here in the first place. and i have built my fucking walls so high that i haven't let anyone in enough to have someone to talk to. i know it's my own damn fault but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck ass.

so here i am. bitching. and crying. on a friday night. to the interwebs.

i just hope my students know how so so so proud i am of them. and i know that they can accomplish great things. i believe in them. no matter how many times i tell them... i hope they don't forget...


i expected to be elated... and i'm so nervous and scared and upset...

this isn't how it is supposed to be.


****************************
one addition to that last post:

having my two adorable kitties curl up with me sure does make me feel better. :o)

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oh how the sun hates me...

i had a glorious day off today (which doesn't happen often) so i decided to hit up the beach.

it was wonderful, great weather, nice breeze, yummy picnic lunch, a good book... and of course the best people watching ever... venice beach is seriously one of the best places in the world to people watch! i love it!

the trouble started when i was walking through the people and checking out all of the street vendors. the backs of my legs felt funny. i looked back and realized i was pink. really pink. i didn't think too much of it because i had used sunblock and had asked my friends to let me know if i was getting red.

then the car ride back inland... ouchie. sitting down hurt. and i was cold... but burning all at the same time.

then i get home, walk into the bathroom and pull off my tank top and board shorts and untie my bikini...

i'm a lobster. a lobster with freckles and a white halter top bikini. seriously. you can see the outline of my new suit perfectly. it doesn't hurt too bad, but the back of me knees are oh so tender and trying to sleep is going to be fun... and i kinda feel nauseous. ugh.

seriously people, when you are a redhead and run out of spf45... spf 25 just doesn't cut it.

the sun hates me. (but i do have 8,347 new freckles...)

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so it's easter...

and i am in SoCal and all of my family is in the midwest.

and all of my friends here have somewhere to be.

and so...

i am spending the entire day baking (and watching season 1 of how i met your mother on dvd in the background).

i'm making cupcake pops (seen here although mine don't look quite that perfect), peanut butter cup brownie bites, and double stuf cupcakes! it's delicious and depressing all at the same time... lol.

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homemade pizza and a beer...

alright, before i get into the emotional stuff, let's recap:

because i am a good friend (or at least i try to be) about a week and a half ago on thursday night i went out for dinner with some friends for veedub's birthday... and because everyone but the dr. and i went home right after dinner i felt obligated to head out with them for a birthday drink at our bar (partly because veedub joined me for my birthday and partly because i know what it's like to have a lame birthday). an you know what happens when i head to our bar...

i get ridiculous. then start dancing. and flirting. and just can't stop taking shots. (and eventually i take my pants off...)

and of course, all of my favorite peeps were there, jack sparrow, JD, and of course... charles ingalls (who i got a few kisses and a few drinks from, lol.) and of course they were all wondering where i'd been...

so i ended up staying out way to late and getting way to drunk... heehee. (but i did wait until i got home to take off my pants... this time.) which wouldn't have been bad except i still had to pack for my mini-holiday break and leave for the airport at 4:30 am!!!

i am a glutton for punishment. haha.

anyway... i made it (barely), passed out on the planes, and was completely exhausted, but too excited to see my sisters and present at the conference to let myself slow down. so i spent the first weekend at another conference... the last leg in my tour for february. and i have to say that it was absolutely amazing! my sisters are wonderful, my sessions went so great, and don't even get me started on the hotel. can anyone say polynesian getaway in the middle of winter??? we took to referring to it as TIKILAND. heehee. it was unforgettable. i managed to get second place in our annual euchre tourney for the second year in a row which was fun (but one of these years i am going to win!!!) and spend time with my favorite asians.

after the conference was over i headed even farther north into the upper midwest to enjoy a week of sleeping, eating, napping, drinking, watching movies, dozing off, and having fun away from work! i'm pretty sure that i slept all of monday and tuesday besides eating, sleeping, and a couple movies. after that i was up for some shopping, heading out to a basketball game, seeing some friends and family, drinks and bar darts (which i LOVE!), and an epic hockey game!

i stayed most of the week with one of my old pals, fresh. he now lives in an old farm house with 4 guys in a sort of hostel. there are guys coming and going, staying for a few days here and there, popping in for video games, beers, basketball. all in all, a scene i pretty much dig, EXCEPT: the ONE bathroom! it was awful! dirty, small, NO outlets! seriously... there were NO outlets! ladies, trust me when i tell you that i did my best to convince those fellas that if they ever hoped to have an ladies stay there on any sort of regular basis they needed to remedy that situation. and fast. lol.

oh and the hockey game... let's just say that it was preempted by me eating my weight in wings, it was dollar beer night at the arena, there were people kicked out in the first 3 minutes, i witnessed one of the best and bloodiest hockey fights ever, and i made new friends! heehee... and by friends i mean the guys in the 2 rows in front of us (we were in the third row behind the players box) that were amused by my amazing decibel level and clever antics when yelling at the players, coaches, refs, fans, whoever or whatever i could think of to yell at! what can i say... i'm loud. (did i ever tell you that i was once told to "QUIET DOWN" by a REF at a HOCKEY GAME? seriously. no joke. they skated over to the glass, pointed at me, and told me to "QUIET DOWN!" ahh, but i digress...) they were amused... the one fellas girlfriend, not so amused. but hey, she was lame and had no idea what was going on anyway. it was a blast and we kicked the other teams ass!

and so yeah... i also got to enjoy a really comfy hotel suite, a trip to a giant bass pro shop, yummy food at my favorite restaurants, snowstorms and -20 degree weather, and some great clearance shopping.

it was GREAT!

i was sad to have to come back to socal.

unfortunately, i have tons and tons of work that has been waiting for my return and i just can't seem to shake this melancholy mood that has taken over.

and i think i know what started it (its not all of it, but i think it is what started it).

#23.

originally, i planned on extending my conference trip so i could spend the rest of the week with #23. but since that fell apart i had to make other plans. and yes, it was great to have the time off and catch up with friends and family, in the back of my mind i knew i was supposed to be seeing #23. and i think that a part of me was hoping that i would get to see him. nothing serious. just something like dinner or drinks, a little catch up.

and it's not even that i was hoping he'd see me and realize he made a mistake. because i really don't think it's the right time for us... and timing is everything. it's that i was really hoping that we would be able to be friends.

we kind of skipped that part and if given the chance, i think we would make quite good friends. but unfortunately, it looks as though that isn't going to happen.

and i know, we live far apart, we have separate lives, we have plenty of other friends. i guess i just thought that there was enough between us that we would be good for each other.... as friends.

but alas, he doesn't return my calls, or my e-mails, or my texts. and that's that. so now what do i do? i need to stop thinking of him and just stop trying. so how do i do that when there are little things that make me think of him that only he would understand, or things that make me laugh that only he would laugh at with me, or things that happen that i only want to share with him? maybe i should cut him out, delete him from my facebook/myspace/phone, etc. ugh, i don't know.

what i do know is that it got me into a funk and now i can't stop thinking too much. thinking too much about what in the world is going on with the ranger. thinking too much about how much mr. west wants to come and see me. thinking too much about how it seems that fresh is looking at me as more than friends these days. thinking about what in the world i am going to do about the dr. thinking about whet i'm going to do and where in the world i am going to go and if i'm going to have to do it all alone.

and all i want is my happy, positive mood back. ugh...

oh and my boys were pissed that i was gone (again). and i can't blame them... but at least buddy has willie to hang out with (terrorize) when i'm gone now. the dr. played cat sitter for me again, which i appreciate beyond comprehension. and when i return sunday night they were surely not going to let me sleep... they wanted attention from mom and they were not going to have it any other way.

so much for catching up on my sleep... lol.

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for goodness sake i think i'm on the edge of something new with you...

alright... there has been a lot of things going on in my little corner of the world lately and i have been doing a bad job of keeping you updated. i will not apologize however... (apparently you shouldn't, lol. not that i don't regularly break most of these rules...) but alas, what can i say? i've been a busy bee. ;o)

here goes... besides working way too much (as in 12-15 hour days monday-friday and some weekend days/nights, besides being on-call, or 12-15 hour days monday-thursday and traveling/conferencing friday-sunday only to hit repeat...), i have been doing really great.

let us summarize with bullets:

• i love my sisters! LITP!
  
• i despise canceled flights (especially when you get re-routed to an entirely different destination and get seated in the center seat on a 5 hour flight and the women behind you pukes everywhere...)
• i love being busy... even though i love being lazy, too.
• i think my cats are actually dogs (more on that some other day...).
• i'm normally not optimistic, positive or strong. but i'm trying to be! (and thanks for all of the great words of encouragement... i appreciate them all more than you know).
  
• knee-high socks make me happy. i'm kinda obsessed...
  
• holiday filled weekends are fun (friday-the-13th, valentines day, president's day...)!
• i've made it to balitmore and newark on my conference tour so far... chicago and san francisco are yet to come...
• i love peanut butter.
• my blog isn't really funny (well, it is to me, i'm easily amused!)... but i think it serves a great purpose.
• my mom/sister make my blood pressure rise.
• i can't wait for friday at 3 pm!!!

and on that note... the important part of today's post: this weekend!!!

as you may recall, the ranger is flying across the country to spend the weekend with me and i couldn't be more excited! seriously!

we've known each other for about 8 years now (wow... it's been that long???) and we originally met in undergrad... i'll spare you the fraternity/sorority hijinks! lol. let's just say that i was completely enamored of him, but i wasn't really in the best place in my life at the time. the time we did spend together was wonderful... some of the best memories and most hilarious stories i have from undergrad involve the ranger! time passed, i graduated, i moved, he graduated, he moved, there were other gf's and bf's, there were more moves, and more moves... we would see each other every once in awhile when we were back in the ol' college town, and we somehow have always kept in touch (even if it meant weeks or months had gone by...).

and i've never completely let him go.

he is an amazing man (although he would never agree). he's brilliant and humble. gorgeous and down to earth. we have a lot in common and it's always been easy to be "comfortable" with him (not in a bad, way... in a really really good way. and he always makes me laugh- which is always a huge plus in my book!

anyway... we started talking again regularly this past fall (due to some random events... and proof that this is one small world that we live in!). we've been exchanging phone calls and the ever-so-popular digital communication... via myspace/facebook, etc. (although he doesn't have text messaging... which makes me CRAAAAZY!) we've always joked about when the other person was going to move closer, and we've always made comments about how no one is quite equal to who we each are. it's been casual, strictly friends. but he does have the unrivaled ability to call me at that exact moment when i need it the most, at those hopeless moments, at those lost moments. it's unexplainable and completely wonderful.

i was lucky enough to get to see him over new years... and it made my heart happy to know that i could be in the same room with him and still feel at ease, he could still make me laugh like no one else, that everything between us was still "easy", and that spark was still there (not to mention, the fact that i had a blast going out on the town with him and all of our friends, we had an epic time out-and-about in the ol' college town drinking, dancing, drinking, laughing, drinking, reminiscing, drinking, watching the ball drop in the -30 degree weather, drinking (for warmth!), and stumbling back to the hotel close to sunrise! and it sure didn't hurt that he made sure that whenever my hands were empty he had a drink waiting to replace it!!!)

and ever since... we've stayed in touch just that much more.

it was about 2 weeks ago when we were chatting on the phone and i was talking about how i wasn't going to get to see him again until may when i head over to NC for a wedding (which is going to be amazing btw!) and he made a comment about how far away that was. i told him that he should come out to SoCal and visit... he mentioned that maybe he should, he hasn't been out to CA since he was 5. of course he mentioned that he would but i am always traveling so i wouldn't be here anyway. i told him that wasn't true (well not entirely... lol!). so he mentioned that he did have a 4 day weekend coming up... over president's day. i exclaimed - that is the only weekend i will be in CA all month, you should totally come out and visit! ... and that is pretty much where the conversation ended.

until the next morning when i get a message that simply says: "what airport would i fly in to?"

i message him back, trying desperately to not get my hopes up... because i didn't want to get crushed again. that evening i get a phone call 'round about the time he would have been getting home from work...

"i'm buying a plane ticket, what time can you pick me up?"

so we chatted about flights, and risks involved with flying on friday-the-13th, and then he says, ok, talk to you later. and that was that! ;o)

and that leads me to now... i've been trying desperately to plan some fun things to do while he is here, but of course the weather is not cooperating!!! we have some fun plans for a night of drunken debauchery filled with spirited beverages and all of my favorite peeps tomorrow night and will probably end with me taking my pants off... again... BUT... it's valentine's day this weekend!!!

and so far he's referenced friday-the-13th and even president's day. but no mention of the day of hearts-n-flowers-n-chocolate-n-xoxo's!

so what do i do?!?!

do i acknowledge it? plan something? get him a present? get him a present but hide it and only reveal its existence if he acknowledges it first? pretend it doesn't exist? act like i don't know what day it is? ahhhh!

and it sure doesn't help when we are in some sort of pseudo "friends but past flames" state and this weekend feels somewhat like a "let's-see-how-this-goes-and-then-take-it-from-there" audition for the future. and this is the first time WE are going to be spending an extended period of time together, just US. and i'm SUPER nervous (but not necessarily in a bad way...).

oh geez. what have i gotten myself into. ;o)

just let me remind you... i did not pick the weekend. and yes... this is what has been on my mind today... so shoot me.

I AM SO EXCITED!!! (i can't stop smiling...)

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let's all jump up and down...

let me be selfish (for just a few rambling paragraphs, phrases, and exclamations) and take the next few minutes and attempt to express just how utterly ecstatic i am at the moment. please keep in mind that my thoughts are in such a whirl and my entire being is in such bliss that i am not making much sense and my fingers just don't seem to want to type anything that isn't spelled wrong...

i know i've mention #23 before, although i don't really think i've ever gone into any details (afraid of jinxing it? maybe.) about him. and i will... but not now.

now is the time to jump up and down like a 6 year old on christmas morning, or a rookie running back that has just crossed the goal line in his first nfl game, or either one of my cats when i get out a carton of their favorite chicken & cheese treats...

i want to run out onto my patio in this warm socal january night and yell at the top of my lungs just how excited i am!

#23 just bought his plane tickets yesterday... he is coming to see me!!!

i know that we had talked about it, joked about it, and even discussed a few dates but i never actually thought it would happen. not that i don't have faith in him or that i don't think he would want to see me, just that i didn't want to get my hopes up and then have them dashed when he wasn't able to make it. and i couldn't bring myself to ask him to come out here. it's quite the commitment... not only the money, but the time off work and all of the other things he has to do to be able to be out of the state for 5 days (yes, you read that right... 5 DAYS! NEXT WEEK!).

i am so lucky!!! not only do i get to talk to the most wonderful, gorgeous, amazing man in the world on a regular basis... but he is flying out to socal just to spend time with me!

not to mention this will be his first time in california (and he will be coming from -2 degree weather!).

i am so excited!!!

anyone have any ideas about must-do's and must-see's while he is here??? keeping in mind that i want plenty of time with him... all. to. my. self. :o)

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i hate being sick...

apparently southern california does not agree with me.

in the past 6 months i have had strep throat, whooping cough, bronchitis, and now a sever sinus infection. severe enough to make the doctor give me 2 shots in the ass, 3 prescriptions, and 2 over-the-counter drugs.

ugh.

i don't want to be sick anymore...

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so many things to say, so many typos...

i've been blogging for only a few months now... it's now become one of my favorite things to do. not to mention i have become addicted to my google reader, lol.

but i've neglected any sort of introduction... i think in part because i didn't know what this was going to become. and in part because i didn't think that anyone else would read it.

it all started because i needed some sort of release. some way to get all of those thoughts and feeling out of my overactive mind. i've never really been good at expressing myself, and i'm certainly not good at opening up to people, so this seemed like a perfect solution.

due to the situation i have managed to get myself into currently... moving across the country from the good ol' midwest to the entirely different country of southern california completely alone... i find myself a twenty-something career-oriented midwesterner completely out of place.

so that brought me here.

let me explain...

i grew up in a very small town in the northern midwest. i went to college, had one of the most amazing experiences of my life,i was focused on education and taking advantage of every opportunity afforded to me, and then i graduated.

has that ever happened to any of you? lol.

no, seriously. i thought my life was all planned out. i couldn't find a job in my field but that didn't phase me because i was patiently waiting for "The One" to graduate so we could move wherever he started law school. i found a retail job, was promoted to supervisor, and started living my life in waiting.

he had different plans.

so alas, i found myself young, single, and working retail. exactly. (did i just reference that part of my life so nonchalantly? wow. impressive.) so i made new friends, drank too much (oh but when is too much, too much, really?), had too much fun. it was great. but then i realized i need to do something with my life.

#1 i couldn't see spending my life counting down the days by which drink special is going on that night (don't get me wrong, this girls loves to drink, i just don't want that to be my priority, i'd like to think i have a more ambitious purpose than that)
#2 i could NOT work retail for the rest of my life... if i wanted to have a "rest of my life". customers make me want to hurt myself. lol.
#3 i made the realization that not being over-programmed like i was in undergrad left me with far too much time to get myself into trouble... not too mention i was making very poor choices about the fellas that i would get involved with. what can i say? has anyone seen the movie down with love? haha! i guess it was easier for me to choose the ones that i knew would hurt me... at least then i didn't have to get my hopes up (but that is a story for anther day...)

that found me in grad school.

grad school was perfect for me. seriously. i loved it. it had everything that i wanted. i was able to go to class (yes, i like to learn, i am a learner), over-program myself with my amazing practicums and assistantships, and work in an environment with an absolutely amazing supervisor and even better students and utilize my empathy talents all day everyday. and i do mean all day (GA's are basically free labor... comparing what i got paid for my 20 hours a week (but really more like 45 - who am i kidding) is insane) but i LOVED it. i wanted to be there. i wanted to work that hard. i wanted to learn that much.

then i graduated.

damn i hate when that happens. lol.

that found me looking for a job. i job-searched all over the country (well, minus NJ. sorry folks, but i lived there while i interned at Rutgers and it did not suit me at all... i don't mind visiting, i just didn't want to live there). and on paper, the job i decided on was perfect. i stress the "on paper" statement.

i ended up in sunny socal all by my lonesome... just me and my cat buddy. the trip across the country with him was epic. we had a blast. (sidenote: i've since adopted another member of the family, willie. he's adorable, too! i'd be lost without them!) i started my new job and realized that it was definitely not what it was "written" up to be. i've struggled to find my niche here, make new friends, relate to anything socal, try not to hate it here, and find my way around... did i mention that i hate to drive?

since then i have found an inner resolve to make the best of things, have the best experience i can, and put everything into this job that i didn't know i was getting in to. which is strange for this typically pessimistic, overly-sensitive person to attempt. but i'm trying...

and all along the road there are the millions of random things that happen, the random people that i meet, and the all the randomness that is me...

wow. was that me in a cliffnote???

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playing catch up...

“most people don't have any idea about all the complicated life going on inside a hive. bees have a secret life we don't know anything about.”
~august, the secret life of bees


it's been forever... i know. i'm sorry.

there are so many reasons why i've neglected to blog these past few days, but i will spare you the excuses.

i have 8 million thoughts running through my brain these days... i can't seem to get a handle on them. not in the slightest. shall we try a list? may just be easier than trying to corral my thoughts into anything resembling coherent thoughts, let alone complete sentences...

• i hate money
• i'm completely enamored with #23.
• i don't want to do my laundry
• i need a new job
• i do love what i do, i just don't love it here
• i need to stop drinking so much, so late, on a work day
• i need a personal assistant... and a cleaning service
• i hate filing
• i need to find my warm clothes... pronto
• i can't wait to be back in WI/MI again
• i need to get some good sleep
• i hate going to the doctor
• i have no idea what i am doing with myself and it's scary and wonderful all at the same time
• i think i need a shoulder transplant
• i feel like a schoolgirl every time i hear from #23 - he makes me tingle
• i deeply dislike family drama
• i love my cats
• i had a blast in Denver... i want to go back
• i love being a RED DOT!
• i really need a good massage
• i am having a hard time being this happy - it's so strange, i haven't smiled this much in my life
  
• i keep scaring myself with thoughts of the future
• i think my new favorite word is - "seriously"
  
• i think that i finally went crazy... and i couldn't be happier...

and that's all that i have for right now... i promise i will get back into a blogging groove...

oh and i almost forgot... I GOT MY THIRD TATTOO LAST NIGHT!!! and it is seriously cute! woot! maybe i will post a pic later...

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