everyone, meet mr. west (part 2)...

(enjoy part 2 of the mr. west saga... while i am on a field trip to magic mountain with a crew of my students!)

so there we were... mr. west and i entangled in a "relationship" that was still never defined, but oddly lasting over time and distance...

mr. west flew from AZ to see me (about 2 years ago exactly) while i was finishing up grad school and things were great, seeing him again was just like old times (well maybe not entirely like old times... we had grown up quite a bit, but damn was he still handsome, lol.) but i have to admit, i was distracted trying to wrap up school, my upcoming comps, teaching, and being consumed with my assistantship. so i didn't really know what i was in for.

now keep in mind, he's always joked that we were going to get married some day, that i was going to be his baby's mama, that his family was going to love me. we even made the "my best friend's wedding" deal with each other, but never really specified an age. we've even talked about whether or not my family would approve of him, he knows that he really needs to be on my ma's good side ( just like i have to get his mama's approval) and i always reassured him that she would adore him as long as he was good to me. my father being another story. but we've come a long way on that front... hell, i even got him to vote for Obama! but we've ALWAYS joked about that sort of thing. he tells me how gorgeous our babies would be (which they would be, lol.), and how he is going to take care of me, and wonders how he is going to but up with me (when he knows he really has to worry about how i'm going to put up with him)... it's what we do.

anyway... i digress. not all that long after he visited me when i was in grad school he sent me a package. in the package, a ring box and a note. in the box, a very lovely (but definitely not ME, i don't wear gold - unless its white gold, and i like simple, retro... wondering does he even know me???) ring. very lovely and very clearly an engagement ring. now why would someone send an engagement ring to someone in the mail you might ask? i wondered the same thing. now why would someone send an engagement ring to someone they've never "really" dated and weren't currently dating you might ask? i wondered the same thing. now what in the world did the note say you might ask?

"i love ya, mr. west."

yes, it said "ya". ladies... do you know what that means? oh yes, so do i. fellas... do YOU know what that means? i sure as hell hope so.

and that was it. that was the package. that was the ring. and that was the note.

our next phone conversation:

MR. WEST: "did you get the ring?"
ME: "yes."
MR. WEST: "good."

and that was it! he never asked anything more about it. i never asked more about it. (why you ask? well i was afraid. i didn't want him to ask because i knew i had to say no and i was sure that if he asked me then he would never ask me again when i would be ready to say yes.) my friends were shocked that i didn't send it back. (i do still have it. to be completely honest with you all, i even wear it sometimes). but i couldn't send it back, not unless he asked me to. that would have been one hell of a blow to his ego and it would have closed doors that i didn't want closed.

so almost 2 years later, we are still in touch, we are both still single, and i've been thinking about him so much lately. he's been talking about wanting to come and see me, but considering i was in the state and not working for somewhere around 15 seconds of the last semester it just hasn't worked out. he finally made plans to fly out this next weekend but then i find out this past thursday that he can't make it. he put in his papers to be transferred back to the midwest (closer to his home, his family, and out of the AZ heat) and so he had to meet with the district managers, etc, etc. i had been so excited to see him... and disappointment is just not handled well on my part. ya'll remember the trip #23 was supposed to make? yeah, so needless to say i was devastated. part of the reason i went out and drowned my sorrows thursday night. i was in a very down mood and this just tipped the scales.

so apparently mr. west and i had a very drunken (on my part) conversation late thursday night and talked about how he had saturday and sunday off and i may or may not have mentioned coming to see him. so in my exhausted, depressed, stressed state on friday afternoon i decided that while a 5 hour car ride was a bitch, i only live once and i just needed to see mr. west before i live the rest of my one life always wondering what if...

and that sets the stage for my impromptu trip to AZ... stay tuned.


on a very personal sidenote: have you noticed a pattern here? i let these fellas get close but just not too close... damn. i guess that is why people make comments about me having fellas all over the place... hmmm. it's easier for me to excited about someone that lives across the country, or is completely unavailable, because i'm not at such a risk of having to let them in... think about it - mr. west, the ranger, The Man, #23, "rob lowe", the dr. - all of them... i bring it all on myself...

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i don't believe in magic anymore...

i don't know what's wrong with me but you could say anything to me today and here is exactly what my reaction would be:

burst into tears.

yes, that's super. and maybe i have a little idea of what it's about but... girl, get a hold of yourself! it's not even 5 pm and i've burst into tears 5 separate times today.

that's. just. great.

so besides the fact that i've actually started to try out the online dating scene, the ranger is now "in a relationship", and my job makes me feel terrible about myself... L is too busy with her boyfriend to make time for me and The Dr. doesn't need another complication (in the form of me) in his life, which basically equates to my two closest friends here in SoCal aren't really in my life. so i work, work some more, work, and then work. and that is the entirety of my existence these days.

its fun.

wow, i'm just a barrel of depressing sarcasm today.

i've also had this overwhelming feeling that i'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.

yes yes, except for my cats. oh that makes me feel better.

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homemade pizza and a beer...

alright, before i get into the emotional stuff, let's recap:

because i am a good friend (or at least i try to be) about a week and a half ago on thursday night i went out for dinner with some friends for veedub's birthday... and because everyone but the dr. and i went home right after dinner i felt obligated to head out with them for a birthday drink at our bar (partly because veedub joined me for my birthday and partly because i know what it's like to have a lame birthday). an you know what happens when i head to our bar...

i get ridiculous. then start dancing. and flirting. and just can't stop taking shots. (and eventually i take my pants off...)

and of course, all of my favorite peeps were there, jack sparrow, JD, and of course... charles ingalls (who i got a few kisses and a few drinks from, lol.) and of course they were all wondering where i'd been...

so i ended up staying out way to late and getting way to drunk... heehee. (but i did wait until i got home to take off my pants... this time.) which wouldn't have been bad except i still had to pack for my mini-holiday break and leave for the airport at 4:30 am!!!

i am a glutton for punishment. haha.

anyway... i made it (barely), passed out on the planes, and was completely exhausted, but too excited to see my sisters and present at the conference to let myself slow down. so i spent the first weekend at another conference... the last leg in my tour for february. and i have to say that it was absolutely amazing! my sisters are wonderful, my sessions went so great, and don't even get me started on the hotel. can anyone say polynesian getaway in the middle of winter??? we took to referring to it as TIKILAND. heehee. it was unforgettable. i managed to get second place in our annual euchre tourney for the second year in a row which was fun (but one of these years i am going to win!!!) and spend time with my favorite asians.

after the conference was over i headed even farther north into the upper midwest to enjoy a week of sleeping, eating, napping, drinking, watching movies, dozing off, and having fun away from work! i'm pretty sure that i slept all of monday and tuesday besides eating, sleeping, and a couple movies. after that i was up for some shopping, heading out to a basketball game, seeing some friends and family, drinks and bar darts (which i LOVE!), and an epic hockey game!

i stayed most of the week with one of my old pals, fresh. he now lives in an old farm house with 4 guys in a sort of hostel. there are guys coming and going, staying for a few days here and there, popping in for video games, beers, basketball. all in all, a scene i pretty much dig, EXCEPT: the ONE bathroom! it was awful! dirty, small, NO outlets! seriously... there were NO outlets! ladies, trust me when i tell you that i did my best to convince those fellas that if they ever hoped to have an ladies stay there on any sort of regular basis they needed to remedy that situation. and fast. lol.

oh and the hockey game... let's just say that it was preempted by me eating my weight in wings, it was dollar beer night at the arena, there were people kicked out in the first 3 minutes, i witnessed one of the best and bloodiest hockey fights ever, and i made new friends! heehee... and by friends i mean the guys in the 2 rows in front of us (we were in the third row behind the players box) that were amused by my amazing decibel level and clever antics when yelling at the players, coaches, refs, fans, whoever or whatever i could think of to yell at! what can i say... i'm loud. (did i ever tell you that i was once told to "QUIET DOWN" by a REF at a HOCKEY GAME? seriously. no joke. they skated over to the glass, pointed at me, and told me to "QUIET DOWN!" ahh, but i digress...) they were amused... the one fellas girlfriend, not so amused. but hey, she was lame and had no idea what was going on anyway. it was a blast and we kicked the other teams ass!

and so yeah... i also got to enjoy a really comfy hotel suite, a trip to a giant bass pro shop, yummy food at my favorite restaurants, snowstorms and -20 degree weather, and some great clearance shopping.

it was GREAT!

i was sad to have to come back to socal.

unfortunately, i have tons and tons of work that has been waiting for my return and i just can't seem to shake this melancholy mood that has taken over.

and i think i know what started it (its not all of it, but i think it is what started it).

#23.

originally, i planned on extending my conference trip so i could spend the rest of the week with #23. but since that fell apart i had to make other plans. and yes, it was great to have the time off and catch up with friends and family, in the back of my mind i knew i was supposed to be seeing #23. and i think that a part of me was hoping that i would get to see him. nothing serious. just something like dinner or drinks, a little catch up.

and it's not even that i was hoping he'd see me and realize he made a mistake. because i really don't think it's the right time for us... and timing is everything. it's that i was really hoping that we would be able to be friends.

we kind of skipped that part and if given the chance, i think we would make quite good friends. but unfortunately, it looks as though that isn't going to happen.

and i know, we live far apart, we have separate lives, we have plenty of other friends. i guess i just thought that there was enough between us that we would be good for each other.... as friends.

but alas, he doesn't return my calls, or my e-mails, or my texts. and that's that. so now what do i do? i need to stop thinking of him and just stop trying. so how do i do that when there are little things that make me think of him that only he would understand, or things that make me laugh that only he would laugh at with me, or things that happen that i only want to share with him? maybe i should cut him out, delete him from my facebook/myspace/phone, etc. ugh, i don't know.

what i do know is that it got me into a funk and now i can't stop thinking too much. thinking too much about what in the world is going on with the ranger. thinking too much about how much mr. west wants to come and see me. thinking too much about how it seems that fresh is looking at me as more than friends these days. thinking about what in the world i am going to do about the dr. thinking about whet i'm going to do and where in the world i am going to go and if i'm going to have to do it all alone.

and all i want is my happy, positive mood back. ugh...

oh and my boys were pissed that i was gone (again). and i can't blame them... but at least buddy has willie to hang out with (terrorize) when i'm gone now. the dr. played cat sitter for me again, which i appreciate beyond comprehension. and when i return sunday night they were surely not going to let me sleep... they wanted attention from mom and they were not going to have it any other way.

so much for catching up on my sleep... lol.

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2.NO hours of sleep v.4...

due to the fact that i have gotten approximately 11 hours of sleep since thursday... and not just because i have been having trouble sleeping (which i have been) but also due to my own antics, as mentioned here, this post should have been written yesterday...

but here goes nothing...

after having a late night thursday and a rough morning on friday, not to mention a very long, busy day on friday, when i finally left work friday night i was ready to tear up the town. unfortunately the dr. had to work til midnight so i went home and got ready, danced around to T.I., and then headed out to meet VW and wait (im)patiently for the dr. to meet up with us. of course VW ends up being late, and i ended up sitting there alone - which i dreaded was an omen for lousy night. luckily all of my faves were present and they did an amazing job keeping my entertained. you know you have a problem when you consider the majority of people that work at the bar to be your friends (example - after having traveled over the holidays, and then being sick, when i showed up at the bar on thursday night i was greeted with hugs and exclamations of joy by all of the bar staff!!! not too mention my drink of choice was waiting for me on the bar before i could even sit down... yay!)... but i love it.

i managed to drink my weight in hard alcohol and flit between the dr., VW, my bar faves - jack sparrow, the brit, JD, my lovely, and charles ingalls, etc... not to mention the line to the bathroom all evening. it was epic... as i had predicted. the night was seemingly going to come to a close with a late night food run until for some reason when elvis (the creepy bouncer) kicked everyone out, he let me stay, i made the unintelligent decision that it would be a great idea to stay with the bar staff and keep dancing and drinking until the wee hours of the morn'.

ummm... not the smarted idea ever. i woke up the next morning sleeping in charles ingalls bed next to my lovely, with JD sleeping on the floor and charles ingalls asleep in the chair at approximately 8:15 am. (all the while, the dr. is pissed at me for ditching him, which was never my intention. what can i say, i'm an insensitive idiot when i'm wasted and all i want to do is take shots and shake my ass) keeping in mind that we didn't even leave the bar until well after 4...

i then had to find my pants (yes, i take my pants off when i'm drunk), speed walk back to my car which luckily wasn't that far away, make it home so i could change and grab my stuff before heading the work retreat i was presenting 8 sessions at all day...

ohmygosh. i am a masochist. seriously.

i managed to make it through the day quite successfully and then around 8:30 pm i ran home, took a quick shower and headed back to work for one of our late night events in which i had to be present from 9:30 pm - 2 am... lets just say i was so exhausted it was painful. these late night events tend to be either extremely boring, or ridiculously crazy. this one was of course - boring. therefore ended up feeling like an awkward 4 hour-long date with the 18 year old that was also there... unfortunate. really.

the worst part? i was so tired when i finally made it home that i couldn't sleep!

which brings me to today... exhausted.

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home for the holidays... or not.

alright folks... this morning i made the trek to LAX for what i thought would be an amazing holiday vacation back home to the midwest.

US Airways and the weather in vegas had other ideas.

i made it to the airport with almost 2 hours to get through security. unfortunately that was before i knew the line through security was around the building and out the door. literally. i stood out in the pouring rain for almost an hour. i managed to get through security, run to my gate, board the plane and sit in my seat when they close the doors... phew!

but... then tell me the plane is delayed 15 minutes because its snowing in vegas. not bad, i thought to myself. i settled in trying to calm down my heart rate and lower my blood pressure (i despise being late and the security line did nothing for my health). i then hear the announcement made that our flight has now been canceled, the vegas airport is now closed. apparently they are not well equipped to handle a blizzard and have even run out of de-icer.

super.

they kick us off the plane and guide us to a counter with a line forming approximately 50 yards long when i reach the end. (ultimately the line was all the way down the terminal and every counter ended up having a similar line with all of the canceled and overbooked flights...)

i stood there and waited. and waited. and waited.

and news traveling through the line was never good... i eventually heard the news that we would not be leaving anytime today... and maybe not tomorrow.

super.

so i waited. i couldn't help but tear up. i had been so excited and anxious for the trip... not too mention #23 was supposed to be picking me up from the airport. oh you nasty travel gods... how could you?!?!

when i finally reached the front of the line after waiting 3 hours (!) i was booked on a flight at 4:30 pm tomorrow. the bad part being trying to find a ride back home so i didn't have to sleep in the airport (although the dr. was nice enough to come and get me and #23 talked to me the entire 2 hours i waited there), trying to find a ride to the airport the next day, and knowing that the midwest is supposed to get hit hard with snow tomorrow night so i will probably just be stuck in the phoenix airport instead of vegas tomorrow night.

ugh.

apparently i used up all of my incredibly amazing canceled flight luck on the last trip... here's hoping that i make it to the midwest tomorrow night...

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never where i thought i'd end up...

scratch that.... never where i want to end up. so i won't let myself.

not anymore.


all i can ever be to you,
is a darkness that we knew,
and this regret i've got accustomed to,
once it was so right,
when we were at our high,
waiting for you in the hotel at night.
i knew i hadn't met my match,
but every moment we could snatch,
i don't know why i got so attached.
it's my responsibility,
and you don't owe nothing to me,
but to walk away i have no capacity.

he walks away,
the sun goes down,
he takes the day but i'm grown,
and in your way, in this blue shade
my tears dry on their own.

i don't understand,
why do i stress a man,
when there's so many bigger things at hand.
we could a never had it all,
we had to hit a wall,
so this is inevitable withdrawal.
even if i stop wanting you,
a perspective pushes true,
i'll be some next man's other woman soon.

i shouldn't play myself again,
i should just be my own best friend,
not fuck myself in the head with stupid men.

he walks away,
the sun goes down,
he takes the day but i'm grown,
and in your way, in this blue shade
my tears dry on their own.

so we are history,
your shadow covers me
the sky above,
a blaze only that lovers see

he walks away,
the sun goes down,
he takes the day but i'm grown,
and in your way, in this blue shade
my tears dry on their own.

i wish i could say no regrets,
and no emotional debts,
cause that kiss goodbye the sun sets.
so we are history,
your shadow covers me,
the sky above a blaze that only lovers see,

he walks away,
the sun goes down,
he takes the day but i'm grown,
and in your way,
my deep shade,
my tears dry…

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scotch tape & scars that won't heal...

there is an uncontrollable desire that has overtaken my otherwise realistic senses...

the desire to be near him. next to him. with him.

no matter what the reason.

and then every time that i am with him. every time that he actually is next to me. every time i get to be close to him... it's the most wonderful thing in the world.

and the worst.



it actually hurts.

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my own personal happy dimension...

have you ever wanted something so much it hurt?

have you ever felt so strongly about someone that you would do anything to keep them in your life even if they couldn't be yours?

have you ever been so afraid that you would screw something up that you felt frozen in time (almost outside your body), unable to make decisions or move in any direction - let alone forward for fear of the outcome?

i know what i want. i know where i want to be. i know who i want to be next to me.

i just don't know how to make that a reality.

i'm afraid it will end up like all of the other things in my life. i don't want to ruin this. i don't want to jeopardize this. i want to do everything right. i want things to work out.

if only i could explain the way i feel. the way it feels.


the way it felt...

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self-destruction...

i took another large step down my inevitable path of self-destruction.

it's what i do.

it's who i am.

i break what isn't broken. i ruin what is good. i shatter everything that is fragile. i search for the impossible. i yearn for the unattainable. i seek out unhappiness, despair and turmoil. i strive for inner conflict. i am my own worst critic. i inflict inner emotion damage until i hurt so bad i can't think straight. i destroy every single tiny piece of self-worth that i have inside of me.

maybe its better if the only person that can hurt me - is myself.

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