i don't believe in magic anymore...

i don't know what's wrong with me but you could say anything to me today and here is exactly what my reaction would be:

burst into tears.

yes, that's super. and maybe i have a little idea of what it's about but... girl, get a hold of yourself! it's not even 5 pm and i've burst into tears 5 separate times today.

that's. just. great.

so besides the fact that i've actually started to try out the online dating scene, the ranger is now "in a relationship", and my job makes me feel terrible about myself... L is too busy with her boyfriend to make time for me and The Dr. doesn't need another complication (in the form of me) in his life, which basically equates to my two closest friends here in SoCal aren't really in my life. so i work, work some more, work, and then work. and that is the entirety of my existence these days.

its fun.

wow, i'm just a barrel of depressing sarcasm today.

i've also had this overwhelming feeling that i'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.

yes yes, except for my cats. oh that makes me feel better.

Read more...

2.0 hours of sleep, v.5

just in case there are any readers out there that are wondering... yes, #23 was supposed to get here yesterday. and no, #23 did not get here yesterday. it's a long, painful, confusing, draining story... so i will spare you the details. i will say this: if i can't trust myself, who can i trust? if i have to doubt myself, how can i not doubt others?

i've spent the last week in a state of utter despair/confusion/fear/nausea and it's really been tearing me apart. so i made a resolution yesterday.

let me preface this a little bit: there is only so much i can do... i can tell him how i feel, i can tell him what i want, i can treat him exactly how i feel he deserves to be treated, i can care about him, and after that... it's out of my hands. and while it sucks to not have any control over the situation, i don't want to force someone to be with me, i don't want to push someone into something they aren't ready for, and ultimately, i don't want to get hurt or be a rebound. not again, not now, not anymore. but this is what it is. and i honestly believe that this is worth it (good god i hope i am not wrong on this one, too...).

and with that, my resolution:

i have to live my life. and i can't let this situation completely take over and consume me. and while this weekend is going to be tough... i have to live my life.

so... with that said, the long weekend that i had planned with #23 (yes, the entire wknd was planned, every event, every meal, everything...) needs to not be spent in complete and utter despair. so what does that mean... you so thoughtfully ask???

i'm filling my days and nights with people, fun, and the ever so popular spirited beverage. starting with last night.

i got some peeps together, including a new fella, L, Ash, among others and had an amazing dinner followed by drinks at my bar where there where many crazy antics and tons of my faves, jack sparrow, brit, JD, charles ingalls, among others. we made random friends, sang inappropriately loud to "black velvet", drank way too many random shots, had a very intense and entertaining discussion about vibrators, laughed way too hard, got propositioned by a helicopter pilot-dirtbike racing-hot tub owner, and generally had an amazing evening. and i have to be proud that every time i go out with L and Ash i manage to get them so schwasted that they don't know which way is up... even after proclaiming they were going to "take it easy" and "be the sober driver." bah! ridiculous!

so even though jack sparrow kissed the random girls (including the orange-haired shellacked-face diva wanna-be), j-rod couldn't take shots with us, i kept my pants on, and D made Ash cry... it was a successful evening. especially since once again, when everyone was kicked out... i wasn't. and since i managed to stay out till the wee hours of the morn', not get any sleep once again, and still be up and ready for work at 9 am this morning (and yes... i'm still at work, and will be until about 11:30 pm - though i did get to have lunch with some of my favorite ladies and dinner with one super sweet hunk!) i pronounce myself AMAZING. let it be known.

and so after i am done with work tonight... let the festivities of the lost weekend continue!!!!!!!

watch out...

Read more...

iHop, david hasselhoff, and ham in a can...?

(note: this was sitting in my drafts for some reason... i thought i had posted it on tuesday. so i am going back in time to post it on it's intended date...)


some of my faves (L and her fella, L'N, B, and AC) and i made a sunday morning (ok, ok, it was more like afternoon...) trip to iHop. and it was epic. exactly the laughter and never ending pancakes that i needed...

seriously.

let me just summarize the trip by saying we have come up with 2 extremely exciting business ventures that have limitless possibility (more about that in a minute), we actually had the couple sitting next to us move (yes, we are that loud - alright, who am i kidding, I'M that loud), we scared the family on the other side of us when i decided it would be great to regal the other with tales of my drunken antics and subsequent pants removal... not too mention how i convince others to participate, and we managed to have our waitress go from completely walking away from us when we asked for a 6th chair (hey, there were 6 of us!!!) only to have her come back and say they were all being used at the moment (even though there were a number at the table next to us, which we took) to her offering us extra everything and laughing at our david hasselhoff jokes with us.

i was already in an exceptionally ridiculous mood because of my lack of sleep and my 15 hour work day the day before... add to that the fact that i was in a state of utter confusion with #23 to the point that i was making myself nauseous... it was an iHop trip to remember. you know there are going to be big things happening over pancakes when the first thing you see when you arrive is the sign for the all-you-can-eat pancakes.

hey, iHop's motto is "Come Hungry. Leave Happy." they weren't lying. (although you also leave smelling slightly of breakfast sausage and fried hashbrowns as well...)

i found out that i adore L's new fella. we have a common love for L and ridiculousness, not to mention we bonded over french vanilla coffe creamer, slabs of butter, and the butter pecan flavored syrup (what? you didn't know they had that? oh yes... but you ahve to ask for it. and even then, some waitstaff will deny its existence... but let me tell you... it exists and it is divine!). how happy am i for her? immensely. she really deserves someone who will treat her like the wonderful person she is. yay!

on to the business adventures... be forewarned: these are amazing ideas and you may not, under any circumstances, steal them. consider this your warning!

first: iHof. the restaurant dedicated to david hasselhoff and his complete and utter amazingness. we are taking themed uniforms, tvs all over playing baywatch in multiple languages, plates featuring his glorious face. and his music! oh his music will be piped in everywhere... especially the bathrooms. food cleverly named after him and his wonderful cinematic existence, look-alikes spread widely throughout the restaurant, mirrors manufactured by apple that make you appear as though you have his glorious girls and thick chest hair... and no... iHof will not be open 24-hours like iHop... we need to limit peoples intake of the Hof, or they may NEVER leave.

it is going to be glorious.

second: ham whiz. similar to it's dairy cousin cheese whiz and squeeze cheese. for some reason we have a running joke involving ordering food with "ham on it" and form there everything went south. so alas, HAM WHIZ was born! it is going to be this amazing shade of pink and you can use it on anything... even straight outta the can! think of the possibilities! and the marketing that could go along with it. hell, we could even sell combo packs of ham'n'cheese whiz.

seriously. we are brilliant.

oh how i love iHop........

Read more...

i'm a pod person...

alright, something completely strange has happened. i think i may be a pod person.

you doubt me?

i'm totally serious people!!!

while talking with one of my sweets, L, i realized that not only have i been talking on the phone to #23 for extended periods of time(!), daily(!!), but i am looking forward to it(!!!)... and if you know me, you know that I DON'T TALK ON THE PHONE.

EVER.

i will text you till my fingers fall off, i will e-mail you, IM you, Facebook you, MySpace you, whatever you, as long as it DOES NOT involve talking on the phone.

and now, not only am i looking forward to it but I AM SAD WHEN I HAVE TO HANG UP!!!

it's official. i'm a pod person. L has confirmed my diagnosis. she has no idea who i've become...

and it gets worse... the other night (thursday), L and i were enjoying our dinner of tasty in-n-out and talking about our favorite fellas (#23) (we are completely enamored, it's pretty disgusting, lol) when she made a comment about where i think this is going... without even thinking i said this...

"if he asked me to be his girlfriend right now i would totally say yes."

once again, i have to remind those of you who don't know me... i don't do that!

EVER.

i will fight kicking and screaming before "labeling" a relationship. i feel like labels bring on the demise of any potential. seriously. i'm not kidding. the last fella that i "dated" was completely ready to sign me up as GF and i dodged him every way possible... for weeks! and weeks! and its not as if that is what i want or need... it's just about the fact that those words slipped so easily from my mouth without even a thought. that's bizarre!

let's just say that L looked at me in utter shock. she said...

"you must really like this fella."

the thing is... i do. i really do.

i'm a pod person...

Read more...