love actually IS all around...

one of my favorite holiday movies... and one of the best dialogue exchanges ever. who doesn't love alan rickman's delivery of the line about having "lots of sex and babies"?!?!


SARAH: Harry?

HARRY: Sarah, switch off your phone and tell me exactly how long it is that you've been working here.

SARAH: Two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, what, two hours?

HARRY: And how long have you been in love with Karl, our enigmatic chief designer?

SARAH: Ummm... two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, an hour and 30 minutes.

HARRY: Thought as much.

SARAH: Do you think everybody knows?

HARRY: Yes.

SARAH: Do you think Karl knows?

HARRY: Yes.

SARAH: Oh, that is... that is bad news.

HARRY: I just thought that maybe the time had come to do something about it.

SARAH: Like what?

HARRY: Invite him out for a drink and then after about 20 minutes casually drop into the conversation the fact that you'd like to marry him and have lots of sex and babies.

SARAH: You know that?

HARRY: Yes. And so does Karl. Think about it, for all our sakes. It's Christmas.

SARAH: Certainly. Excellent. Will do. Thanks, boss.

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oh hell yes, i'm a nervous wreck... oh hell yes, the drugs just make me reset...

i'm struggling terribly with the task of letting all of the thoughts that are stuck in my head slide out through my fingertips and press themselves into the keyboard and onto the computer screen. they don't want to formulate themselves into comprehensible thoughts. they want to stay intangible and unjustifiable. this is what i do to myself.

let me attempt to explain...

i am a master of self-sabotage. seriously. if there was a degree in self-sabotage you would all be addressing me as dr., thank you. (or is it that i am my own worst enemy? my own worst critic? fuck if i know...) i find something that makes me happy... and then i ruin it. i destroy it. i push it away.

and i haven't done it yet, but i feel my thoughts turning darker and all of my inner doubts creeping in and taking over my otherwise sunshine filled demeanor (which in itself is odd because i am sergeant pessimist, nancy negative, hell... captain backfire... but i digress).

but then again, maybe its because i am at home. with my family. they have that effect on me.

do you want to read my unending description of how i'll never be enough for my family, how i will never live up to their expectations, how i am not a good enough daughter/sister? no? i thought so.

so i'll leave it at this... i will not let these holiday blues ruin what i have going right now. i won't.

i can't.

so in complete disregard of my current state of mind (and the fact that it is -10 degrees here and i can't seem to feel my toes or get my mother to turn the heat over 65 degrees) i will lament you with a brief summary of the first 1/3 of my holiday hiatus...

i was lucky enough to convince #23 to pick me up at the airport... even though it was blizzarding and the middle of the night and he had other places he was supposed to be. i am one lucky girl. i got to spend the next few days encircled in the bliss that is 3 parts desire, 2 parts fervor, 4 parts adoration and 2 parts midwestern winter. i simply cannot portray just how enamored i am with him. it's intense... and confusing. it makes my knees weak, and my heart race, and mind reel. and the most troubling part of it all? i have no idea 1) how he feels, 2) where this is going, and 3) why the hell he is spending his time with me...

dammit... i'm doing it again and i said i wouldn't.

sorry.

another highlight of the trip so far was getting to see some of my sweets for a night of good food, good fun, way too much laughing and large quantities of liquor. one of the best nights i've had in a LONG time. it was just like old times... and in a completely great way. just another reminder of how much i need to move back to the midwest. and my sweets are amazing... i love them so! not too mention, they simply adored #23 (yes, he agreed to partake in our night of debauchery and probably learned a little bit more about me than he was prepared for... lol.) and he seemed to enjoy himself. although staying up until 5:30 am the night before his family christmas festivities was probably not the smartest thing for me to entice him into... woops.

and now i'm up north... (farther up north) and trying my damnedest to get in some relaxing time without driving myself crazy before my families each partake in their christmas extracurriculars and i get to see a never-ending line-up of cousins (yay!), friends (woot!), and college friends and sisters (double woot!), some of whom i haven't seen in years!

i will be sure to fill you in whenever i get a chance to hit up the internet. and in the meantime, i will do my best to not have my mother disown me... again.

cheers.

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feel that fire...

she wants her nails painted black
she wants the toy in the crackerjack
she wants to ride the bull at the rodeo

she wants to wear my shirt to bed
she wants to make every stray a pet
n' drive around in my truck with no place to go

but she needs to feel that fire
the one that lets her know for sure
she's everything i want and more
a real desire, does she know i'd walk alone out on the wire
to make her feel that fire

she wants a cabin in the woods
she wants to stand where nobody stood
and someday she wants a couple kids of her own

she wants to make love on a train
and some days she only wants a break
hey but she wants what she wants, but man i know, i know, i know

she needs to feel that fire
the one that lets her know for sure
she's everything i want and more
a real desire, does she know i'd walk alone out on the wire
to make her feel that fire
yeah, feel that fire

so as long as there's a breath to take
a smile to share, a prayer to pray
a chance to hold her hand to fan the flame

she's gonna feel that fire
the one that lets her know for sure
she's everything i want and more
her real desire, does she know i'd walk alone out on the wire
yeah, to make her feel that fire
oh feel that fire
she wants her nails painted black

she wants the toy in the crackerjack
she wants to ride the bull at the rodeo

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hurry, hurry, you put my head in such a flurry, flurry...

"my head's in heaven, my soles are in hell...
let's meet in the purgatory of my hips and get well."

how perfect is that?

i just can't stop thinking about what is waiting for me at this end of this flight... but alas my travel saga continues: i am currently sitting in the airport in phoenix (at least i made it this far!) waiting on my delayed flight...

who thinks i'll make it back to the midwest anytime soon?

i sure as hell better... #23 is waiting for me!

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home for the holidays... or not.

alright folks... this morning i made the trek to LAX for what i thought would be an amazing holiday vacation back home to the midwest.

US Airways and the weather in vegas had other ideas.

i made it to the airport with almost 2 hours to get through security. unfortunately that was before i knew the line through security was around the building and out the door. literally. i stood out in the pouring rain for almost an hour. i managed to get through security, run to my gate, board the plane and sit in my seat when they close the doors... phew!

but... then tell me the plane is delayed 15 minutes because its snowing in vegas. not bad, i thought to myself. i settled in trying to calm down my heart rate and lower my blood pressure (i despise being late and the security line did nothing for my health). i then hear the announcement made that our flight has now been canceled, the vegas airport is now closed. apparently they are not well equipped to handle a blizzard and have even run out of de-icer.

super.

they kick us off the plane and guide us to a counter with a line forming approximately 50 yards long when i reach the end. (ultimately the line was all the way down the terminal and every counter ended up having a similar line with all of the canceled and overbooked flights...)

i stood there and waited. and waited. and waited.

and news traveling through the line was never good... i eventually heard the news that we would not be leaving anytime today... and maybe not tomorrow.

super.

so i waited. i couldn't help but tear up. i had been so excited and anxious for the trip... not too mention #23 was supposed to be picking me up from the airport. oh you nasty travel gods... how could you?!?!

when i finally reached the front of the line after waiting 3 hours (!) i was booked on a flight at 4:30 pm tomorrow. the bad part being trying to find a ride back home so i didn't have to sleep in the airport (although the dr. was nice enough to come and get me and #23 talked to me the entire 2 hours i waited there), trying to find a ride to the airport the next day, and knowing that the midwest is supposed to get hit hard with snow tomorrow night so i will probably just be stuck in the phoenix airport instead of vegas tomorrow night.

ugh.

apparently i used up all of my incredibly amazing canceled flight luck on the last trip... here's hoping that i make it to the midwest tomorrow night...

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new music tuesday...

so those of you that know me, know that i am a tiny bit obsessed with music. seriously. my iTunes playlist are organized not only by artist and album but i also have playlists by genre, time period in my life (you know what i'm talking about... all those songs you used to listen to senior year of h.s., lol), and by mood... it's kind of sick.

regardless. today is tuesday. mmm, new music tuesday. and although i have been listening to both of these albums for a couple of days now, i just have to say... i am enjoying them so far.

The All-American Rejects - When The World Comes Down
Fall Out Boy - Folie a Duex

and you can jusdge all you want... tell me they are too mainstream or not original enough. whatever. i don't care. i've come to realize that it isn't about how obscure an album or artist is, or about how many of their shows you've been to, or whether or not you think they've "sold out", it's about whether or not i enjoy the music (and the lyrics). and i do so far...

check out this review of FOB's new album, and AAR's here. i don't agree with everything that is said, but there is some interesting information buried beneath a plethora of adjectives...

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stung...

"after you get stung, you can't get unstung
no matter how much you whine about it."
~lily, the secret life of bees

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what in the world is a RED DOT...?

for those of you wondering what a RED DOT is, let me explain:

this summer i was lucky enough to attend a week long institute for professionals in my field. when you arrive they place you into groups (RED, YELLOW, ORANGE, BLUE, GREEN, etc...). i was lucky enough to be a RED DOT. over the course of the week we learned more than i could have ever imagined, we bonded, had the most amazing RED DOT fellow as our fearless leader, woke up ealry and stayed up late, found comfort in knowing we weren't the only young professionals in our field experiencing the issues we were faced with on a daily basis, we had unbelievable amounts of fun, and left knowing that we not only had an amazing group of RED DOTS to utilize for help, but all of the other dots as well. it was undoubtedly the most beneficial professional experience of my life. and at this most recent conference in Denver, i was lucky enough to be reunited with most of the RED DOTS that i have relied on for advice and counsel over the past few months. it was amazing and renewed my passion for my field!

I HEART THE RED DOTS!


Updated from my journal 7/24/08:

I'm sitting in the airport and i was just hit with the intensity and complexity of everything that just occurred at the Institute.

-knowledge gained, relationships made, walls broken down, spirits challenged...

What's next? Where do I go from here? I've made a breakthrough (thanks to my Red Dots!)

"I can't fix every problem. I am NOT perfect. I am only me. ... And that's OKAY."

Ever since N, B, and i drove away from The House there has been a weight on my chest, a feeling in the back of my throat that there is a dam built up in my mind with a growing crack. I'm wondering when it's going to give out completely. And I'm dreading that the final burst will come when i set down my bags in my apartment and finally face sitting down, alone.

I've made a decision. J2 and I were talking and relating our experience here at the Institute to summer camp. That moment when you say goodbye and you wholeheartedly promise to keep in touch, not just because you are young and naive, but because you honestly believe that you will. You've been in the bubble - the snow globe that has been shaken up - and you are not entirely sure if (or how) you can survive outside the bubble without those connections staying in tact.

Do they stay in tact? No. Do you know why that is? I can make excuses, I can blame life for happening, for continuing to exist around us outside the bubble with no regards as to what went on inside. But that is just what it is, an excuse.

I'm not going to make any excuses this time. I'm not going to blame not having enough time or energy. I'm just going to do it. Will I be closer to some than others? Sure, definitely. But will I keep those connections in tact? Yes. Those bridges we built will stay built.

I'm going to make sure of it.

There are hundreds of things that I have gotten out of the Institute (HUNDREDS) but if the only thing that really truly sticks is that I understand myself a little better, I understand that I can't fix every problem and that I can ask for help... (and that there are people willing, able, and EAGER to help me) then I have just been afforded the most rewarding experience of my entire life.

I've been challenged, my beliefs have been questioned, my values have been tested and my mind has been overwhelmed. I feel defeated, hopeless, and inadequate. But inspired... and there just might be that spark in there, that glimmer of hope.

And that isn't where this ends.

I am not going to let that overwhelmed feeling stop me. I will use that depth of emotion and experience and knowledge. I will grow from it. I will educate with it. I will CHANGE from it.

And I might not feel better tomorrow. In fact, I will NOT feel better tomorrow. I have a sinking feeling that I will feel worse actually. But someday... the little things will add up to a big thing. the plus column will out measure the negative. And the entire time i will know that I am being true to myself, to my values, and to everyone that comes in contact with me.

And I will have conquered something far more vast than the world. I will have conquered myself.

(Thank you to every one of my fellow Red Dots... you inspire me, and challenge me. And to all of the other great Dots and Fellows, you just changed my life...

for the better.)


hope that helped explain a little...

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so many things to say, so many typos...

i've been blogging for only a few months now... it's now become one of my favorite things to do. not to mention i have become addicted to my google reader, lol.

but i've neglected any sort of introduction... i think in part because i didn't know what this was going to become. and in part because i didn't think that anyone else would read it.

it all started because i needed some sort of release. some way to get all of those thoughts and feeling out of my overactive mind. i've never really been good at expressing myself, and i'm certainly not good at opening up to people, so this seemed like a perfect solution.

due to the situation i have managed to get myself into currently... moving across the country from the good ol' midwest to the entirely different country of southern california completely alone... i find myself a twenty-something career-oriented midwesterner completely out of place.

so that brought me here.

let me explain...

i grew up in a very small town in the northern midwest. i went to college, had one of the most amazing experiences of my life,i was focused on education and taking advantage of every opportunity afforded to me, and then i graduated.

has that ever happened to any of you? lol.

no, seriously. i thought my life was all planned out. i couldn't find a job in my field but that didn't phase me because i was patiently waiting for "The One" to graduate so we could move wherever he started law school. i found a retail job, was promoted to supervisor, and started living my life in waiting.

he had different plans.

so alas, i found myself young, single, and working retail. exactly. (did i just reference that part of my life so nonchalantly? wow. impressive.) so i made new friends, drank too much (oh but when is too much, too much, really?), had too much fun. it was great. but then i realized i need to do something with my life.

#1 i couldn't see spending my life counting down the days by which drink special is going on that night (don't get me wrong, this girls loves to drink, i just don't want that to be my priority, i'd like to think i have a more ambitious purpose than that)
#2 i could NOT work retail for the rest of my life... if i wanted to have a "rest of my life". customers make me want to hurt myself. lol.
#3 i made the realization that not being over-programmed like i was in undergrad left me with far too much time to get myself into trouble... not too mention i was making very poor choices about the fellas that i would get involved with. what can i say? has anyone seen the movie down with love? haha! i guess it was easier for me to choose the ones that i knew would hurt me... at least then i didn't have to get my hopes up (but that is a story for anther day...)

that found me in grad school.

grad school was perfect for me. seriously. i loved it. it had everything that i wanted. i was able to go to class (yes, i like to learn, i am a learner), over-program myself with my amazing practicums and assistantships, and work in an environment with an absolutely amazing supervisor and even better students and utilize my empathy talents all day everyday. and i do mean all day (GA's are basically free labor... comparing what i got paid for my 20 hours a week (but really more like 45 - who am i kidding) is insane) but i LOVED it. i wanted to be there. i wanted to work that hard. i wanted to learn that much.

then i graduated.

damn i hate when that happens. lol.

that found me looking for a job. i job-searched all over the country (well, minus NJ. sorry folks, but i lived there while i interned at Rutgers and it did not suit me at all... i don't mind visiting, i just didn't want to live there). and on paper, the job i decided on was perfect. i stress the "on paper" statement.

i ended up in sunny socal all by my lonesome... just me and my cat buddy. the trip across the country with him was epic. we had a blast. (sidenote: i've since adopted another member of the family, willie. he's adorable, too! i'd be lost without them!) i started my new job and realized that it was definitely not what it was "written" up to be. i've struggled to find my niche here, make new friends, relate to anything socal, try not to hate it here, and find my way around... did i mention that i hate to drive?

since then i have found an inner resolve to make the best of things, have the best experience i can, and put everything into this job that i didn't know i was getting in to. which is strange for this typically pessimistic, overly-sensitive person to attempt. but i'm trying...

and all along the road there are the millions of random things that happen, the random people that i meet, and the all the randomness that is me...

wow. was that me in a cliffnote???

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i am now RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME...

can i just say how completely elated i was to see that a couple of my favorite bloggers commented on my blog!

seriously... you made my day!!! i felt just like i did when we were in grade school and it was your birthday and everyone had to be nice to you all day and you were sort of the queen for a day... the problem was no one but me really knew that i was now ridiculously awesome, so i just walked around with a big ol' grin for no apparent reason.

it was priceless.

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i'm a pod person...

alright, something completely strange has happened. i think i may be a pod person.

you doubt me?

i'm totally serious people!!!

while talking with one of my sweets, L, i realized that not only have i been talking on the phone to #23 for extended periods of time(!), daily(!!), but i am looking forward to it(!!!)... and if you know me, you know that I DON'T TALK ON THE PHONE.

EVER.

i will text you till my fingers fall off, i will e-mail you, IM you, Facebook you, MySpace you, whatever you, as long as it DOES NOT involve talking on the phone.

and now, not only am i looking forward to it but I AM SAD WHEN I HAVE TO HANG UP!!!

it's official. i'm a pod person. L has confirmed my diagnosis. she has no idea who i've become...

and it gets worse... the other night (thursday), L and i were enjoying our dinner of tasty in-n-out and talking about our favorite fellas (#23) (we are completely enamored, it's pretty disgusting, lol) when she made a comment about where i think this is going... without even thinking i said this...

"if he asked me to be his girlfriend right now i would totally say yes."

once again, i have to remind those of you who don't know me... i don't do that!

EVER.

i will fight kicking and screaming before "labeling" a relationship. i feel like labels bring on the demise of any potential. seriously. i'm not kidding. the last fella that i "dated" was completely ready to sign me up as GF and i dodged him every way possible... for weeks! and weeks! and its not as if that is what i want or need... it's just about the fact that those words slipped so easily from my mouth without even a thought. that's bizarre!

let's just say that L looked at me in utter shock. she said...

"you must really like this fella."

the thing is... i do. i really do.

i'm a pod person...

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you in a song...

trying to figure out which way i want this to go.
do i want it to be happy or sad or fast or slow?
trying to work it out what it is i feel.
do i wanna rock you, shock you, soothe you, or move you??

i just wanna write you in a song.
put your smile on paper so you can sing along.
i just wanna bottle the sun.
yeah, keep your light a secret i can find when you are gone, gone, gone...

you are like a beautiful tree,
with roots in the ground so deep that they could never be seen.
i'm a leaf that ready to fall,
and the wind's gonna blow me someday away from it all...

i just wanna write you in a song.
put your smile on paper so you can sing along.
i just wanna bottle the sun.
yeah, keep your light a secret i can find when you are gone, gone, gone...

most people when they can't get away,
it makes them more than a little crazy.
well i'm the one that can never stay,
but i'll always have you with me in this song...

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ode to december...

an entire day filled with work holiday parties...

this could either mean a very good day, or a very rough saturday morning. i mean, seriously, who wouldn't need a few too many stiff drinks after spending the day with my co-workers???

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playing catch up...

“most people don't have any idea about all the complicated life going on inside a hive. bees have a secret life we don't know anything about.”
~august, the secret life of bees


it's been forever... i know. i'm sorry.

there are so many reasons why i've neglected to blog these past few days, but i will spare you the excuses.

i have 8 million thoughts running through my brain these days... i can't seem to get a handle on them. not in the slightest. shall we try a list? may just be easier than trying to corral my thoughts into anything resembling coherent thoughts, let alone complete sentences...

• i hate money
• i'm completely enamored with #23.
• i don't want to do my laundry
• i need a new job
• i do love what i do, i just don't love it here
• i need to stop drinking so much, so late, on a work day
• i need a personal assistant... and a cleaning service
• i hate filing
• i need to find my warm clothes... pronto
• i can't wait to be back in WI/MI again
• i need to get some good sleep
• i hate going to the doctor
• i have no idea what i am doing with myself and it's scary and wonderful all at the same time
• i think i need a shoulder transplant
• i feel like a schoolgirl every time i hear from #23 - he makes me tingle
• i deeply dislike family drama
• i love my cats
• i had a blast in Denver... i want to go back
• i love being a RED DOT!
• i really need a good massage
• i am having a hard time being this happy - it's so strange, i haven't smiled this much in my life
  
• i keep scaring myself with thoughts of the future
• i think my new favorite word is - "seriously"
  
• i think that i finally went crazy... and i couldn't be happier...

and that's all that i have for right now... i promise i will get back into a blogging groove...

oh and i almost forgot... I GOT MY THIRD TATTOO LAST NIGHT!!! and it is seriously cute! woot! maybe i will post a pic later...

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canceled flight...

so it's never a good thing when you get dropped off at the airport and walk up to the ticket counter and the airline attendant tells you that your flight is canceled and you have only a few options:

1) wait until the next available flight on wednesday evening (it was monday evening)
2) find a way to chicago and fly out at 6 a.m. the next morning (from chi - philly - denver... ummm, what?)
3) buy a bus ticket to chicago and then try and get a different flight once i get there (by the way, the bus is full until tomorrow)

turns out i chose option #2. and it ended up being the best canceled flight of my life...

i think i owe #23 (yes, just met him. yes, it was stupid... maybe. but i don't regret a thing. there's just something about him. he's amazing, everything i've always denied that i wanted in a man... what that means... i don't know. more about that at a later time) big time... and i can't stop smiling.

boot was awesome enough to drive me down to fond du lac where #23 met us and drove me back to his house... like i said... stupid? maybe. but i wouldn't change a thing. we talked, went for dinner (in which he insisted on paying - even though i owe him so hardcore), watched jurassic park ;o), cuddled with captain, and didn't sleep at all. it was great... and then he drove me down to chicago early in the a.m. and here i am...

still smiling.

i guess he was right... my luck just may be changing.

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watch out denver - here i come...

i'm headed to denver for AFA...

i'll keep you posted on my adventures whenever i get the chance...

exciting adventures are sure to come!

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determined...

this quote hit me hard... i need to think about this...

"...and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do / the only thing you could do - determined to save / the only life you could save"
~ mary oliver

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break...

yes. i'm on break. and i'm broken.

is break supposed to break you down? i thought that break was supposed to refresh you, recharge you, reinvigorate you.

not with my family. not for me.

i wish i could find the words to explain. maybe its too soon. maybe my mind is too far down in the middle of it right now. maybe i'll be able to explain it better later... or maybe i'll bury it deep down under my layers of pain and despair.

just know that i am broken.

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2.NO hours of sleep v.3...

actually... scratch that. make v.3 0.NO hours of sleep...

and it hurts. but once again... so worth it.

deciding to head out after 11:30 pm when i was already in my pj's in bed reading and ready to get up at 4 am to finish packing was probably not my smartest decision ever, but... i only live once. and i had so much fun with the "charles ingalls" and the guys.

hmmmm...

so now... i'm actually sitting in the airport in Denver enjoying the access to free wifi (how much does that rock?!) thinking about how much sleep i can fit into my multiple plane rides without being completely a zombie for the car ride home with my sister... not that i will be. i know when i see her and my nephew that i am going to freak out!

i am so excited to be headed home to WI/MI for thanksgiving, it's pretty much ridiculous.

seriously. ;o)

i'll be sure to keep you posted when i make it to a computer...

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2.NO hours of sleep v.2...

i did it again. and i am once again... exhausted. with no regrets.

new friends are good and "charles ingalls" makes me think. he makes everything seem surreal.

he's brilliant, and confusing, and underrated, and wonderful, and surprising, and kind, and beautiful, and a mystery.

he needs a friend and i think i'm hooked...

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silent sense of content...

it's okay in the day i'm staying busy
tied up enough so i don't have to wonder where is he
got so sick of crying
so just lately
when i catch myself i do a 180
i stay up clean the house
at least i'm not drinking
run around just so i don't have to think about thinking
that silent sense of content
that everyone gets
just disappears soon as the sun sets

this face in my dreams seizes my guts
he floods me with dread
soaked in soul
he swims in my eyes by the bed
pour myself over him
moon spilling in
and i wake up alone

if i was my heart
i'd rather be restless
the second i stop the sleep catches up and i'm breathless
this ache in my chest
as my day is done now
the dark covers me and i cannot run now
my blood running cold
i stand before him
it's all i can do to assure him
when he comes to me
i drip for him tonight
drowning in me we bathe under blue light

his face in my dreams seizes my guts
he floods me with dread
soaked in soul
he swims in my eyes by the bed
pour myself over him
moon spilling in
and i wake up alone
and i wake up alone
and i wake up alone
and i wake up alone

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who am i?

i took a quiz to find out who i am. this is what i found...

"You're smart, charming, and well mannered, but approach everything with intensity."

interesting...

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my reality...

tell me what do you see when you look at me?

do you see my many personalities?

can you help me? does anybody hear me? can you even see me?

this is my reality.

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2.NO hours of sleep...

what am i thinking???

oh how surreal is "charles ingalls"??? the way his laugh makes me want to hug him. the way he gets that sparkle in his eyes when he looks at me. the way he tilts his head when he wants an answer from me. the way he always surprises me with the things that he says. the way its unbelievable that he even gives me the time of day. the way i feel when i catch his eye through a crowd of people. the way that he looks away when i want an answer from him. the way that i am so exhausted i can't think...

i'm being so incredibly stupid...

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stuck between green & gray...

i have so much in my head to say and i just don't know how to get it all out. i have to work on that. i am so self-destructive i can't believe it. what am i thinking? how can i justify these stupid choices?... i don't think. i think too much...

and then i cross a line.

there is just so much in my head. i have to get it out. i think about being alone. i think about money. i think about who i am. i think about what i want. i think about where i am going and where i have been and what is ahead of me.

i'm stuck between green and gray.

i think my heart is in need of love. and the scariest, most awful part is that i wonder if there might be another heart out there that feels the same way?

if it was any other time. and other circumstances.

things would be different...

gray is the color that is all around me, i'm just a blur.

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holes...

holes in and around me.

i keep falling back in to.
holes dig in and surround me.
god knows what i'm going to do...
to fill in these holes left by you.

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something’s telling me to runaway...

on the road
on your own
with a sky full of renegade diamonds…
at your job
on the clock
thinkin' of tearin' down these paper walls…
if it's all in your head
there's a chance it could be happening…
call it coincidence
whatever makes you believe…

today is all you'll ever need
if you believe in me
today is all you'll ever need

you at war
far from home
people prayin' for you to make it out…
you at school
up all night
earn that "A" for anxiety…
call it chance, call it luck
no matter what...

if you believe
today is all you'll ever need
if you believe in me
today is all you'll ever need
if you believe
i won’t let you down

i've been meaning to tell you something
i got this feeling we could runaway
i've been meaning to tell you something
something’s telling me to runaway
i've been trying to tell you something
i got this feeling and it’s runaway
(ya gotta believe)
i've been dyin' to tell you
(ya gotta believe)
i've been dyin' to tell you

if you believe
today is all you'll ever need
if you believe in me
i won’t let you down
if you believe

Read more...

bold as love...

"orange is young, full of daring,
but very unsteady for the first go around..."

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random giggles...

i can't stop smiling... or coughing...

and it was SO worth it!

;o)

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defense mechanisms...

you need to be forewarned... i'm in a really bad mood. it's been a rough week. a really, really, really rough week.

so beware...

here goes... i do seem to have a knack for hurting myself. i seem to take a large portion of my frustrations out on myself. but as long as it isn't hurting someone else...

i'm not saying i'm a saint. i make more than my fair share of mistakes, i'm a chronic smart-ass, i often say things i don't really mean, and i hardly ever say the things i do really mean, i hold myself to impossible standards and then crucify myself for not being able to live up to them, i hide my true feelings behind layers and layers of denial because quite frequently my own feelings scare me, i have a hard time opening up and being honest with people i care about, i can be very cold and manipulative if i want to, i'm not sure who the real me is, i often put myself in situations that i know aren't good for me because then i have no one to blame but myself...

its all just defense mechanisms...

why do i revert to asshole mode when i'm feeling vulnerable or scared?
why do i lie about my feelings like they don't matter?
why can't i admit my feelings are real and that they have value?
why do i hide behind a mask of indifference?


i can't let fear keep me isolated anymore.

Read more...

that's gonna send me to my knees...

gravity is working against me,
and gravity wants to bring me down.


oh gravity, stay the hell away from me...

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that's the signpost up ahead — your next stop...

"there is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. it is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. it is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. this is the dimension of imagination. it is an area which we call the Twilight Zone."

this week is straight outta the twilight zone...

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i won't make you...

it's funny when you find the words to say - you find no reply.

i wanna feel through you tonight,
but i won't make you...
i won't make you.

scream my name just one more time...
but i won't make you.

i won't make you.

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mixed up thoughts and chocolate frosting...

sometimes
some things
happen,
...for some reason.

there are so many things going on inside my head. thoughts and feelings. judgments and unanswered questions. i'm struggling to actualize any of those things into coherent vocabulary. it's so frustrating. bear with me...

don't you think its strange sometimes when certain things happen at certain times? like when you are thinking about someone intently and you get a text from them in that exact moment... or when you are experiencing such dark depths of loneliness that you find yourself reaching for each next breath and you get a phone call from someone you love that you haven't talked to in a long time... or when you can't seem to find a smile to adorn your face hidden anywhere inside of you and a friend says exactly the right thing to you to make that smile appear out of nowhere...

sometimes timing is so strange and mysterious.

i often question the meaning of those things, that timing. it makes me think. a lot.

lately it seems that i have gotten myself into quite the fortuitously complicated situation. it also seems as though i am a glutton for punishment, i am extremely self-deprecating and i have unbelievable masochistic tendencies. this complicates things even further.

there is this fella that i can't get out of my mind... i care about him even though i shouldn't. i ache to be with him even though i shouldn't. i want him to reciprocate my feelings towards him... but i don't know if he does. i'm afraid to let him too close to me because he has the ability to hurt me so much. but i also want him to be close to me more than anything. no matter what happens, i want him to be happy... even at the expense of myself. i'm confused, scared, and i can't stop questioning everything. am i asking for heartache? am i knowingly walking into a situation in which i have no hope of exiting unscathed? am i willingly punishing myself?

or is it worth it?

to be continued...

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to derive my own solutions...

a comparison of stages in human life with the times of day and the changing of seasons. you decide if paradise is an image of nature or nature becomes an image of paradise.

can you believe the transformation of an opinion over time due to the conditions brought on not by the producer but of unseen, uncontrollable forces? life in this world is determined by the forces of nature and human labor.

can any such confusion be identified with certainty?

we are led to a conclusion, but need to derive our own solutions. maybe they aren't solutions, maybe they are just the final outcome, because they do not solve anything in its entirety. maybe so...

despite this, there is a distinct finality about it. you ask what it refers to. there is a distinct air of finality to our habitation of this world, of everything. unless, of course, you can see what i see. i see beyond. you should ask me what i see and if you're lucky, i'll give you a hint. that forcefulness of composition tends to be questioning, yet bold.

hmm. what do you think? come on... you can tell me...

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here i am, just standing alone...

i don't want to be in love, but you're makin' me.

let me up i've had enough.

you're breakin' me.

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oh, to read these gauges...

"what a frightening thing is the human.
a mass of gauges and dials and registers.
but we can read only a few.
and those perhaps not accurately."
~ john steinbeck

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chasing pavements...

i've made up my mind,
don't need to think it over.
if i'm wrong i am right,
don't need to look no further.
this ain't lust,
i know... this is love, but...

if i tell the world,
i'll never say enough,
cause it was not said to you.
and that's exactly what i need to do,
if i'm in love with you.

should i give up,
or should i just keep chasing pavements?
even if it leads nowhere.
or would it be a waste?
even if i knew my place, should i leave it there?
should i give up,
or should i just keep chasing pavements?
even if it leads nowhere...

i'd build myself up,
and fly around in circles.
waiting as my heart drops,
and my back begins to tingle.
finally, could this be it, or...

should i give up,
or should i just keep chasing pavements?
even if it leads nowhere.
or would it be a waste?
even if i knew my place should i leave it there?
should i give up,
or should i just keep chasing pavements?
even if it leads nowhere...

should i give up,
or should i just keep chasing pavements?

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there's an ache in my heart...

"i will always cherish the initial misconceptions i had about you."

~ unknown

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if you fall, dust it off, don't let up...

everything will be alright, yeah

the heart is stronger than you think
like it can go through anything
and even when you think it can’t it finds a way to still push on, though

sometime you want to run away
ain’t got the patience for the pain
and if you don’t believe it look into your heart, the beat goes on

i’m telling you…
things get better through whatever
if you fall, dust it off, don’t let up.
don’t you know you can go, be your own miracle,
you need to know…

if the mind keeps thinking you’ve had enough,
but the heart keeps telling you don’t give up,
who are we to be questioning, wondering what is what,
don’t give up…
through it all, just stand up

it’s like we all have better days,
problems getting all up in your face.
just because you go through it
don’t mean it gotta take control, no.

you ain’t gotta find no hiding place,
because the heart can beat the hate.
don’t wanna let your mind keep playing you
and saying you can’t go on.

i’m telling you…
things get better through whatever
if you fall, dust if off, don’t let up
don’t you know you can go, be your own miracle,
you need to know…

if the mind keeps thinking you’ve had enough (i’ve had enough)
but the heart keeps telling you don’t give up (don't you give up)
who are we to be questioning, wondering what is what,
don’t give up (don't give up, just stand up)
through it all, just stand up (just stand up)
through it all, just stand up.

you don’t gotta be a prisoner in your mind.
(if you fall, dust it off)
you can live your life,
let your heart be your guide, oh.
you will know that you’re good if you trust in the good.
(everything will be alright, yeah)
light up the dark, if you follow your heart,
and it will get better… through whatever.

if the mind keeps thinking you’ve had enough,
but the heart keeps telling you don’t give up,
who are we to be questioning, wondering what is what, don’t give up (don't give up, don't give up)
through it all, just stand up.

you got it in you, find it within
(everything will be alright, yeah)
you got in you, find it within
you got it in you, find it within you,
find it within.

through it all, just stand up.

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realization...

while having a conversation with one of my bff's i realized...

i don't do things half way.

that's just me.

there comes a point when i have to stop trying to change myself into what i think everyone else wants me to be and just be me.

and this is me...

or at least the closest thing to "being me" that i know how to be at the moment.

and i may not be ok with that yet... but i'm working on it.

so if you don't approve... complain to someone else because chances are - i've heard it already and i've tried to change it, i'm working on changing it, i can't change it, or... i shouldn't change it.

this is me.

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color career counselor...?

i tried taking a color-based personality career test. (interesting, i know.) these are the results:


Best Occupational Category
You're a CREATOR
Key Words: Nonconforming, Impulsive, Expressive, Romantic, Intuitive, Sensitive, and Emotional

These original types place a high value on aesthetic qualities and have a great need for self-expression. They enjoy working independently, being creative, using their imagination, and constantly learning something new. Fields of interest are art, drama, music, and writing or places where they can express, assemble, or implement creative ideas.

CREATOR OCCUPATIONS
Suggested careers are Advertising Executive, Architect, Web Designer, Creative Director, Public Relations, Fine or Commercial Artist, Interior Decorator, Lawyer, Librarian, Musician, Reporter, Art Teacher, Broadcaster, Technical Writer, English Teacher, Architect, Photographer, Medical Illustrator, Corporate Trainer, Author, Editor, Landscape Architect, Exhibit Builder, and Package Designer.

CREATOR WORKPLACES
Consider workplaces where you can create and improve beauty and aesthetic qualities. Unstructured, flexible organizations that allow self-expression work best with your free-spirited nature.

Suggested Creator workplaces are advertising, public relations, and interior decorating firms; artistic studios, theaters and concert halls; institutions that teach crafts, universities, music, and dance schools. Other workplaces to consider are art institutes, museums, libraries, and galleries.


2nd Best Occupational Category
You're a RESEARCHER
Key Words: Independent, Self-Motivated, Reserved, Introspective, Analytical, and Curious

These investigative types gather information, analyze and interpret data, and inquire to uncover new facts. They have a strong scientific orientation, enjoy academic or research environments and prefer self-reliant jobs. Dislikes are group projects, selling, and repetitive activities.

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covered, smothered, unable to breath...

a manner of interpretation that leads in a false direction that could become highly epidemic. exuding that morbid melancholy, that feverishness that grips every sensitive observer so forcefully. producing a disconsolate feeling.

this is not the seriousness, not the character, nor the spirit and importance; that has been imposed from without. disheartenment, could that be it?

simply. a mixture of admiration and violent criticism. does there always have to be the terrible setting of roles in which i'm covered, smothered, unable to breath?

let them lie level. let each one rest on even ground, open to be admired from all sides. despite tranquil air, still possessing the power to stimulate and provoke.

there is a limitation to our earthly existence and the threat of death, but by all means, that does not give reason to limit ourselves further. i can be motivated by a conscious significance. a background symbolizing death and the hope of a paradise beyond. repeatedly frustration comes to mind.

frustration, confusion.

maybe now i wonder… i wonder can this? i wonder what if?

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unfold...

i am tragically flawed. but...

i have a good heart.


(and i think i actually believe that.)

does this mean that i've finally "come a long way?"

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so many pantones, so little time...

have i mentioned how much i love graphic design???

well... i do.

i could spend hours choosing the perfect fonts (i have over 700... it may actually be a mental condition), selecting the perfect pantone shade, and finely tuning a design right down to the last pixel.

i especially like designing with type.

but desinging in general makes me happy. i'm content.

the reason i bring this up... there aren't many things that currently bring me contentment and while reading some of my favorite blogs the other day i happened upon a color IQ test. oh yes. you read that right. this is right up my nerdy alley.

i got a PERFECT score! woot!

(hmm... maybe i should rethink my career path... again...)

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is there quiet inside my mind...?

midnight
lock all the doors
and turn out the lights
feels like the end of the world
this sunday night

there's not a sound
outside the snow's coming down
and somehow i can't seem to find
the quiet inside my mind

3:02
the space in this room
has turned on me
and all my fears have cornered me here
me and my TV screen

the volume's down
blue lights are dancing around
and still, i can't seem to find
the quiet inside my mind

daylight is climbing the walls
cars start and feet walk the halls
the world awakes and now i am safe
at least by the light of day

at least by the light of day???

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seriously...?

how can i be sick? again?


(things just keep getting better and better...)

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nowhere to hide...

give me something to believe in.
so write it down,
i don't think that i'll close my eyes
'cause lately i'm not dreaming
so what's the point in sleeping?
it's just that at night,
i've got nowhere to hide.

to the sleepless, this is my reply:
i will write you a lullaby,
a lullaby.

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is it worth it...?

"No one can ever promise you they will never hurt you, because at one time or another it will happen. The real promise is if the time you spent together will be worth the pain in the end."
~Source Unknown


i've been telling myself all these years that i have to move on. that i need to let myself take a chance again.

after "he" came along, the one i've always referred to as "The One", i've wondered if i've i missed my one chance. i had it and then i lost it.

and since then... having just come out of the best (and worst) relationships of my existence... i've "dated" other men... but i've never really considered letting them in. they are just small attempts at filling an otherwise cavernous void.

i am really great at choosing disastrous relationships. if there is a bad guy out there (disguised as a good guy) for the taking, i will take him, fall madly in "love" with him and then be left dumbfounded when he leaves and moves on... while i am left confused with handfuls of my broken heart. that or i never let him get close enough to hurt me. my brick walls are tall and thick. but either way... i will always blame myself. while i do know that i play some part in the problems that arise... i let myself take the blame 100%.

it's easy for me to have a crush. i love having crushes... there is little to no post-relationship pain, the feelings usually just fade eventually, or get passed on to the next crush. i'm good at crushes. but they do call them crushes for a reason. don't they? while i completely enjoy the tingle i feel inside when i see them, or the heat that rises from my throat to spread across my cheeks, to fantasize about how things could be. inevitably, it's one-sided. i get nothing in return.

if by some off chance an object of my desire returns my affections... i self-destruct.

there's this fella that i met purely by chance. (i've mentioned him before.) i can not understand why this man wants me. i have this urge to keep asking him why he wants to be with me, when he is going to start treating me badly, when he is going to leave... i'm afraid i've closed off my heart and i'll never be able to allow myself to let him in. i push him away, i shut down, my defenses go up. and i force him to question his desire.

but the worst part is that i yearn for him. not quite the same way that even years after "The One" left, i continued to yearn for him... but in a different way i yearn for him. and i don't want to push him away. i don't want to keep him on the other side of my brick walls. but i don't know how not to. and most of the time... i don't even see that i am doing it until too late.

all of these things have caused quite a bit of heartache over the last few weeks and i've always been the one telling my friends that it has to be worth it to take a risk and open up and make yourself vulnerable to get hurt just to feel those emotions, that tingle, those sparks, that high.

but is it?

that special someone has the potential to bring the darkest clouds we’ve ever encountered. let's be honest... love hurts. being vulnerable to someone is one of the scariest things there is. and if you ever have been hurt by love you can understand what i mean. is it worth the risk that love demands? is the heartache and emptiness and constant questioning of yourself and every one of your actions worth it?

it scares me that i am questioning this because i've always believed deep down that because we know of love’s potential for healing, for companionship, for understanding, for the positive emotional, physical and chemical responses, we take the risk... for without love we are nothing.

without love... what is there?

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another bad day...

"it's been a bad day, another bad day
and all i want to do is look at you and know i'm okay.

when i wake up in the morning is it gonna be another ugly day?"


how do i get myself into situations like this? i'm a magnet for heartache and despair... i think i've come to terms with that.

but this? a text message. to someone else.

seriously?

is this real?

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seems its my destiny...

shadows are fallin' all over town
another night and these blues got me down
oh, misery... i sure could use some company.

since you've been gone, i ain't been the same
i carry the weight like an old ball and chain
guess its all meant to be for love to cause such misery

oh misery...
oh misery...
tell me why does my heart make a fool of me?
seems its my destiny
for love to cause me misery.

and, oh... i've been down this road before
with a passion that turns into pain
and each time i saw love walk out the door
i swore never get caught again

but ain't it true? it takes what it takes
and sometimes we get too smart to leave.
one more heartache for me
another night of misery...

and oh misery... oh misery...
tell me why does my heart make a fool of me?
oh misery... oh misery...
tell me why, why, why, why, why,
why does this heart make a fool of me?
seems its my destiny for love to cause
misery, oh... misery...

guess its all meant to be
for love to cause me
misery...
misery.

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lie to me...

lie to me and tell me everything is all right
lie to me and tell me that you'll stay here tonight
tell me that you'll never leave
oh, and i'll just try to make believe
that everything, everything your telling me is true
come on baby won't you just

lie to me, go ahead and lie to me

lie to me, it doesn't matter anymore
it could never be, the way it was before
if i can't hold on to you
leave me somethin' i can hold onto
for just a little while won't you, won't you let me be

lie to me, go ahead and lie to me…

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another year goes by...

"so they say it's your birthday!..."
~ farmer ted

i just might have broken the 7 year streak of bad birthdays...

fingers crossed.

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i'll be your downfall...

i wonder how you sleep
i wonder what you think of me
if i could go back
would you have ever been with me
i want you to be uneased
i want you to remember
i want you to believe in me
i want you on my side
come on and...

lay it down
i've always been with you
here and now
give all that's within you
be my savior
and i'll be your downfall

here we go again
ashamed of being broken in
we're getting off track
i want to get you back, again
i want you to trouble me
i wanted you to linger
i want you to agree with me
i want so much so bad
come on and...

lay it down
i've always been with you
here and now
give all that's within you
be my savior
and i'll be your downfall

yeah be my savior
only love can save us now
love save me now
only love can save us now
i'll be your downfall
our love can save us now
love save me now

lay it down
i've always been with you
here and now
give all that's within you
be my savior
and i'll be your downfall

now i'm back, on my own
yeah my feet are heavy, made of stone
i'll make you go, where i go
well they're here, can i take you home
and i'm coming home, on my back
kissing me, your lips painted black

i'll be your downfall...

let me be your downfall.

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i've never been good enough...

she said i don't know if i've ever been good enough,
i'm a little bit rusty, and i think my head is caving in.
and i don't know if i've ever been really loved
by a hand that's touched me, and i feel like something's gonna give.
and i'm a little bit angry, well…

this ain't over, no not here, not while i still need you around
you don't owe me, we might change it
yeah we just might feel good

i wanna push you around, well i will, well i will
i wanna push you down, well i will, well i will
i wanna take you for granted, i wanna take you for granted
well i will

she said i don't know why you ever would lie to me

like i'm a little un-trusting when i think that the truth is gonna hurt ya.
and i don't know why you couldn't just stay with me,
you couldn't stand to be near me,
when my face don't seem to want to shine
cause it's a little bit dirty well…

don't just stand there, saying nice things to me
i've been cheated, i've been wronged, and you,
you don't know me, i can't change
i won't do anything at all

i wanna push you around, well i will, well i will
i wanna push you down, well i will, well i will
i wanna take you for granted, i wanna take you for granted
well i will

oh but don't bowl me over,
just wait a minute well it kinda fell apart, things get so crazy, crazy
don't rush this baby, don't rush this baby…

i wanna push you around, well i will, well i will
i wanna push you down, well i will, well i will
i wanna take you for granted, yeah yeah yeah.i wanna take you, take you...
well i will.
push you around.
drag you down.
push you around.
well i will.

Read more...

bad mood...

would you want me when i'm not myself?
wait it out while i am someone else?

Read more...

StrengthsQuest #1 - Empathy

and here it is folks... if you thought that the other top 4 were perfect definitions of my strengths, wait until you get a load of this...

this defines me.

completely.

Empathy

Theme Description

You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person’s perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person’s predicament—this would be sympathy, not Empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. This instinctive ability to understand is powerful. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need. Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings—to themselves as well as to others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you.

Action Items

You can sense what it feels like to be someone else.

You can pick up on the pain and joy of others -- sometimes before they express it. Other people feel heard by you and experience your compassion.

Because you can quickly understand others, people are drawn to you when they have a need or a problem, especially in relationships.

Your Empathy can be challenging because you may become overwhelmed with all of the emotions you can pick up in a day.

You have a natural ability for getting in touch with the feelings of others. Hone this talent by refining the words you use to name the feelings you experience and those you observe in others. Help others name their feelings, as well. People who can name their feelings seem to work better with other people.

At times your Empathy talents can drain you, if you are not careful to develop rituals at the end of each day that allow you to "decompress."

Absorbing others' emotions sometimes leads to experiencing those emotions yourself. Establish clear boundaries between yourself and those to whom you connect.

If you pick up negative emotions more easily than the positive, you may need to intentionally become more aware of positive emotions. This proactivity can keep you more balanced and emotionally rewarded.

You are an emotional person, and you need to express your own emotions to someone you trust.

Sometimes it is important to be silent. You likely have the talent to let people understand you know how they are feeling, without even talking. Refine your nonverbal communication skills.

Let others know you can feel their pain and that tears are okay. Communicating that you understand their feelings builds trust.

Keep a journal in which you reflect on what you learned from other people and their passions, fears, joys, and other emotions.

As soon as you have an idea, write it down, including your feelings about it.

When you read, identify how you can relate the emotions of the characters to your own or those of people you know. This will make the material come alive for you and help you remember the it better.

Discuss issues that are on your mind with your friends. You are usually there for them. Allow them, likewise, to be there for you. Share you feelings with them, because they may not be able to identify feelings as easily as you do.

Use your Empathy talents when conflicts arise at work and other group settings.

Be careful not to let those you support overwhelm you. Just as it is important you be there for your friends and family whenever they need you, it is crucial that you keep your goals a priority.

Become involved in activities, clubs, or organizations that will help you feel like you're making a difference with individuals through your empathy.

Consider working with students to help them to better understand their own feelings and sort through their emotions.

Position yourself as a confidante for your students. Many students feel overwhelmed at school; you'll understand and help them get through the difficulties they're facing.

Because you're nonjudgmental and understand the feelings of individuals, you'll be a welcome addition to most groups.

The "emotional tone" of your work environment is important. You might find that surrounding yourself with others who are positive and upbeat is highly rewarding.

Seek work environments in which emotions are valued and not repressed. The rich emotional economy will be the perfect environment for your Empathy talents.


how freaky is that???

(* note the italics... things i need to think about. seriously.)

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StrengthsQuest #2 - Learner

my #2. i am such a nerd. ;o)

Learner

Theme Description

You love to learn. The subject matter that interests you most will be determined by your other themes and experiences, but whatever the subject, you will always be drawn to the process of learning. The process, more than the content or the result, is especially exciting for you. You are energized by the steady and deliberate journey from ignorance to competence. The thrill of the first few facts, the early efforts to recite or practice what you have learned, the growing confidence of a skill mastered—this is the process that entices you. Your excitement leads you to engage in adult learning experiences—yoga or piano lessons or graduate classes. It enables you to thrive in dynamic work environments where you are asked to take on short project assignments and are expected to learn a lot about the new subject matter in a short period of time and then move on to the next one. This Learner theme does not necessarily mean that you seek to become the subject matter expert, or that you are striving for the respect that accompanies a professional or academic credential. The outcome of the learning is less significant than the “getting there.”

Action Items

You want to continuously learn and improve.

You enjoy the process of learning as much as what you actually learn -- perhaps even more.

You get a thrill out of learning new facts, beginning a new subject, and mastering an important skill. Learning builds your confidence.

You can get frustrated about wanting to learn so many different things because you fear you'll never be an expert.

You are energized by the challenge of keeping up with constantly changing fields.

Identify your own learning style. How do you learn best -- through doing? By reading? When you listen to experts? When you are able to work with friends in a group? Find your best learning environments and organize your life so that you are in these environments more. Use your Learner talents to learn about yourself -- and achieve more in the process.

Find ways to track the progress of your learning. If there are distinct levels or stages of learning within a body of knowledge or skill, celebrate your progression from one level to the next. If no such levels exist, create them for yourself. (For example, set a goal of reading five books on the subject.)

You love the challenge of a steep learning curve, so beware of learning plateaus. Seek opportunities to stretch yourself with more difficult or complex assignments and courses.

Learning is meaningful to you. Keep the mentality that you are never done learning, not even when school is over. You are a lifelong learner. Keep a journal of "lessons learned" that you can go back to often.

You love the process of learning so much that the outcome may not matter to you. As a result, you may have a number of unfinished projects that you plan to come back to "someday."

Keep a journal in which you reflect on what you learned from your experiences.

Exceed expectations. Do more than is required of you.

Look at every situation as a possible learning experience. This approach will help you become aware of what you do well and where you need help.

Always ask, "What did I learn from this?"

Have lots of conversations on subjects you are passionate about with people who are interested in learning.

Build relationships with those from whom you want to learn.

Don't restrict your learning experiences to the classroom. Engage in activities in which you can expand your knowledge about subject that interest you most.

Choose a work environment that encourages constant learning or where study is a way of life.

Environments that value the learning process will bring out your best, particularly if you will have opportunities to develop strengths.

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