(now i warned you all at the beginning that this was looooooooonnnng... sorry.)
so there i was sitting in my office on friday afternoon, all by myself. no, really. i was all. by. myself. it seems that with finals upon us and may term ahead of us everyone in the department peaced out friday afternoon. i had been going back and forth all day about whether or not i should/would/could take the trip to AZ. literally ALL day. i had woken up somewhere around 6am after a wee 3ish hours of sleep. or something that sort of resembled sleep anyway, and i laid in bed thinking to myself... "yes, i'm going." "nah, i shouldn't go." "but yeah, i'm gonna go." "no, i can't go."
i text mr. west and he said that he was cleaning their condo (aka bathroom!) so that it would be decent for a lady to stay in and he had already made plans for the entire day saturday.
my mind was still going back and forth. and for lots of reasons, not just the last minute trip (which i normally prepare for mentally days in advance... like what to pack!!!) or staying awake on the long drive, but also, what was going to happen between us? and what did i want to happen?
i proceeded to do this throughout the entire day until finally i realized that no one else was working, why should i be? and what the hell else and i going to do this weekend? sure i could have caught up on my life and done the 73 loads of laundry i have, or any of those other mundane things responsible adults should do, but who wants to be a responsible adult? i sure don't.
so i left work early (not that anyone noticed) and headed home to finally get something to eat, take a shower, and pack my bag. i text mr. west that i was on my way and with that i was out the door with a rockstar in my hand, sunglasses on my face and a load of cd's under my arm.
and after approximately 5 hours, at around 10pm, i made it to AZ and pulled up outside of mr. west's condo.
he was just pulling up behind me after running to the gas station and i felt butterflies in my stomach at the thought of seeing him in person and having him see me. he got out of his car and looked just as gorgeous as ever. (its really hard to describe but he just has this way about him... this confident but not cocky, familiar but yet not, perfect with so many imperfections) and the first thing he says to me - one of the best possible compliments that you could ever hope to get from him - he compared how good he thought that i looked to halle berry. now let me just explain that one just a bit... no, i do not look anything like halle berry. but to him, she is the most perfectly gorgeous woman on the planet and he's even said he would drink her bath water. soooo... being compared to her by him - epic.
just being able to walk up to him and have him wrap his arms around me again... definitely worth the trip.
so we hugged, he told me how much he liked my whip, we talked, he complimented me again, we hugged again, and he showed me around his place. then we made a late night trip to the store to get a few things. it was funny for me because he kept asking me if i needed anything, want to buy something for me. it's not that he was trying to impress me, or show off, i think it made him feel good that he can do that now. when we were "together" in undergrad he was working 3 jobs to make it through school and i was working 50 hours a week, on top of my full course load, just to pay the bills. come to think of it... i'm not quite sure how either one of use survived and even had time to study and get the amazing grades we did - let alone spend time with each other.
the best part of the night was laying down next to him though. just being able to lay down knowing he was right there next to me, to hear him breathing, to be able to tangle my arms and legs over him, to be able to take a deep breath and just exhale and relax. it was so nice. and being able to just turn my head and kiss him wasn't bad either. ;o) he did then ask me where the ring was (because i wasn't wearing it). i told him it was in my jewelery case in my luggage. he wondered why it was in my luggage and i told him honestly that i don't wear it all the time. and all he said was as long as you still have it... we'll talk about that later (reference number one to the "issue" at hand...)
now i'm sure you don't want to hear every single detail of our weekend together so i'll try to summarize and only emphasis the important parts...
now mr. west loves to sleep in - on the rare occasion that he gets the opportunity. but you all know me. i don't sleep. i just can't seem to get a good nights sleep more than a few times every few weeks. and i definitely don't sleep in. i was prepared and had brought my old copy of "slaughterhouse five" to keep me entertained but mr . west had other ideas. when he woke up in the morning and looked over and saw me reading - instead of rolling over and going back to sleep - he got up, put on his clothes and drove me to starbucks (since they didn't have food in the house for breakfast or have any coffee, they didn't even have a coffee maker!!! bachelors, lol.) we then made our way to barnes & noble because we both agree that it's one of the best stores in existence.
after perusing the shelves, we made our way back home so we could get ready for the day. we went sightseeing and shopping, out for happy hour with one of our friends from undergrad, ry (one of his fraternity brothers) and then headed back home to change and pick up one of the roomies for our dinner and a night out on the town.
and while i was getting ready, ry was surfing the interwebs, and mr. west was obsessively ironing his shirt for the evening, we had a nice time reminiscing about some of the hi-jinks we had gotten ourselves into in the "good ol' days". it was fun to think about all those good times and interesting to hear the guys tell their version of some of the stories. i picked up on a lot of references to me by both rymr. west that made me realize i was more a part of their life than i thought. i always considered them good friends of mine, and i always wanted to be in mr. west's life, but for some reason i didn't really think that they thought of me the same way. (low self-esteem much? you betcha!)
i had been nervous all day about going out. i wanted to make sure that i looked my best, that i was wearing something mr. west liked, that i wasn't over or under dressed. hey, it was the first time going out with them in years and my first time going out in AZ,i'm a girl, gimme a break people!
it was nice when i walked out of the bathroom and mr. west looks at me and the first thing he says is "girl, you look good."
we made our way to this great pub for dinner and then out down on mill st. which is apparently, the place to be. we went from bar to club to bar. drinking, dancing, drinking, and having a blast. it was nice to be out at some "real" clubs and bar. and with 3 gorgeous men no less! they were really sweet, too. my hand was never without a drink, if any of them went to the bathroom or the bar the others stayed right next to me the entire time, and on the dance floor no other guy got within feet of me... which was an accomplishment at some of the clubs that were just packed with people! lol.
now throughout the weekend mr. west had made numerous comments about how i looked and how much weight i had lost since he had last seen me. now i have lost some weight since being in california but by no means do i weigh what i did when i was a freshman in college (who does? lol). he kept saying that he had to fatten me up - although he did make sure to comment on the fact that i still had the ass. which i do! now i tell you this because as we were making our way back to the car after stopping at just one last club i was walking a little way ahead of the fellas and drunkenly dancing around the square holding my little black shirt up so that the nice breeze would cool me down a little - it gets hot and sweaty when you are dancing up a storm! anyway, the guys were all talking about some unfortunate chicky that should not have been dancing on the pole in the last club, when mr. west stops and looks up at me dancing around in front of them with my shirt half off trying to cool down and says "girl, there is just no way you are not going to be mrs. west." and then continues talking to the fellas, slyly dropping a comment about how unbelievable it is that i could have abs like that with an ass like mine. leaving me to stare drunkenly after them in awe (only the second reference to the "issues" at hand all weekend...).
we made it home and after a shower or two, we made it into bed (and i'm only sharing this part because of the conversation that was had so get your minds out of the gutter, this isn't going to be a play by play!!!lol.) after he gave me one of his perfect kisses he says to me "so if i asked you, what would you say?"
out of the blue. no working up to it, no preface, no introduction.
and i didn't know what to say. partly because i didn't want him to ask me right then and partly because i did. the sane part of me knows full well that we actually need to give the "relationship" thing a shot before we start talking about planning the honeymoon but there is definitely a large percentage of me that is NOT the "sane" part of me.
so my reply...
ME: "you know that i love you."
MR. WEST: "so that 's a no?"
ME: "no, not at all, its just... that..."
MR. WEST: "i'm not saying that i am going to ask you right now... but when i do..."
ME: "we'll just have to see what happens..."
MR. WEST: "when i do the ring is going to be platinum and gorgeous, just like you..."
ME: "you know i don't care about that."
MR. WEST: "i know you don't. you are probably the only woman that doesn't. but you should."
ME: "it's not about that."
MR. WEST: "but you deserve it. i'm going to get myself settled, i'm going to make some millions, then i'm going to give jacob the jeweler a call... you won't be able to say no."
ME: laughing "you let me know when you get all that taken care of... i'll be here."
MR. WEST: "so if i asked you, what would you say?"
ME: "i love you."
MR. WEST: "i love you, too."
and sunday was just as wonderful. he got mad at me for letting him sleep and not waking him up to go get me coffee... but seeing as it was his day off and i was on "vacation" and we hadn't gone to sleep until after 4am, i talked him out of being angry with me. ;o)
we spent the day chilling out, sightseeing some more, and having the best lunch. it was a wonderful day. way too hot, but wonderful. we talked a little bit about the future, but nothing like he had brought up the night before (he doesn't talk about emotions like that very often). he did talk about his move back to themidwest and how happy he was about it. he also tried to talk me into finding a job close to his hometown. which isn't out of the question, not that i am going to plan my life around him just yet. he also talked about how i have to gain some weight if i want to make a good impression on his mama, lol. oh and how i have to change my mind about not wanting any kids, because i have to have kids to pass on the "west" name, not too mention our little mixed babies would be GORGEOUS. which they totally would be!!! :o) the deal we made is that after he makes his first million, i will seriously reconsider - and then ultimately have - the first (of many) little gorgeous babies. lol.
as i packed up to leave late sunday evening i was torn between being sad about leaving and being happy knowing how much i mean to him. it was hard to say goodbye to him again.
but i left knowing that whatever happens between us, he'll always hold a very special place in my heart. always. and i apparently hold a special place in his heart as well.
and 5 hours later, when i called him to let him know that i made it home alright, he still made me nervous - in a good way.
we've only talked a few brief times since the weekend. but the one thing he always says - "i miss you." and that makes me heart swell up.
i really don't know what will happen between us... maybe it was meant to be and the pieces just haven't fallen into place quite right just yet. maybe we will never end up being in the same place at the same time. maybe i'll always keep my heart unavailable and he will never decide to open up. but no matter what... i hope he knows just how absolutely wonderful he is and how important he is/was and always will be to me.
oh so many thoughts going on in my head...
(and yes, i do still have the ring.)
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